Author alpo Posted August 3, 2016 Author Posted August 3, 2016 Well if she cuts herself off from everyone, perhaps she suffers from some sort of mood disorder because that's not normal. Has she been evaluated by a doctor for this? If not, you might want to encourage her to... as again this behavior is not normal. It might have nothing to do with you personally. I don't think it is me personally, she cuts off everyone. She abandons her facebook and social media and there are people leaving messages on her wall saying things like 'been trying to reach you hope you're ok' 'tried to phone no answer' etc etc and she doesn't reply to those either. She even said to me once when she came back 'I know i completely vanish sometimes it's just my way of dealing with things' But the things she says to me makes it sound like she genuinely likes me and cares about me, so in my mind I'm thinking well if she likes me this much as she says and implies then how come she won't make an exception for me and at least shoot me a couple of texts or whatever instead of complete invisibility for weeks? It makes me feel I am no more important in her life than her friends or whoever else she disappears on.
Author alpo Posted August 3, 2016 Author Posted August 3, 2016 We've talked for hours about this stuff but she's always given me the impression that me being around is perfectly fine and that I'm not an inconvenience while she deals with this stuff. -- And, yet, she cuts you off . . . She cannot maintain a meaningful relationship and won't be for a long time. I hope she sticks with therapy, it does help and it's a process, not an event. There will not be some kind of epiphany-type awakening, it will be a slow process of growth and self-awareness. Her family life has set her and any other partners up for disappointment and heartache. She was basically abandoned and left to fend for herself at a young age. At that age, if there is no support system, they have to turn inward in order to deal with and figure things out for themselves and that is survival mode. I wouldn't say chaotic -- For a 15 year old, that environment is nothing but chaotic, stressful and damaging on a whole bunch of levels. Being forced to deal with adult issues while still being a kid is a confusing, scary, hectic and filled with uncertainty, self-doubt, guilt and fear. And, you could simply tell her that you can't tolerate her pulling away for weeks at a time -- but her response would likely be something along the lines that you are trying to control her . . . Do you think people in that condition are ever capable of having a long term thing? Ever capable of settling down when they find 'the one'? Or are they just that way forever? I mean she definitely has a lot of qualities especially in the way she parents and stuff, despite this disappearing thing. She is also very strong and knows how to deal with people and hostile situations, which is what I am attracted to. When I asked this on another (non relationship) forum a couple of female posters who replied said she may be doing this because she wants to 'test' me on how into HER I am. Like she wants me to initiate contact and come after her so she knows I'm serious about her. Is that a possibility in your mind?
Author alpo Posted August 3, 2016 Author Posted August 3, 2016 Well if she cuts herself off from everyone, perhaps she suffers from some sort of mood disorder because that's not normal. Has she been evaluated by a doctor for this? If not, you might want to encourage her to... as again this behavior is not normal. It might have nothing to do with you personally. Forgot to answer your question. Yes, she sees a doctor and recently started therapy.
preraph Posted August 3, 2016 Posted August 3, 2016 Really? You think that when she's depressed she's out cheating on you? When you're depressed, you don't want to be around people. When you're anxious, you want to simplify. This is her mental condition. The only concerns you should have is whether she is actively still seeing a psychiatrist or psychologist and working on the issue. I have no patience for people who won't seek help when something is running their life. The only other concern is if you know you don't want to get serious with someone with these big issues for the long term. I can understand if you don't. But it's not because she's cheating. That's your issue, insecurity, irrational insecurity. Good luck. 2
katiegrl Posted August 3, 2016 Posted August 3, 2016 (edited) But the things she says to me makes it sound like she genuinely likes me and cares about me, so in my mind I'm thinking well if she likes me this much as she says and implies then how come she won't make an exception for me. It's not a matter of making an exception for you... or anyone. If she is depressed during these periods, then she is not capable of making an exception... or much of anything else either. Research "depression," it can be debilitating for those who suffer from it. I am glad she is seeing a doctor. Edited August 3, 2016 by katiegrl 2
gorf Posted August 3, 2016 Posted August 3, 2016 It's just these random weeks of no contact and disappearing that is bothering me very much. She seems to think there is no problem with it. Like it's no big deal to be so close to someone and then ignore them completely for weeks. Not even a single text, nothing. Just says 'My head went on me and i had to cut off and lock myself in my house not speak to anyone'. You worry if she is cheating during these extended periods of time away. Whether or not she is, its still unacceptable to block you out or not. During those times, you are nothing to her. Not even worth a few second text... over the course of weeks and months! That right there is every reason for someone to cheat. Why not? You are nobody to her during that time, and she is doing whatever she wants, no real explanation. So she could easily cheat and not admit. She blocks you out, but family is sort of allowed in (kids etc) so what does that tell you. If my SI acted in this way, whether or not I had anything to go by, I would still consider this territory for cheating. Cause it is. You should really sit her down and see if she wants you in her life.... or just part of it when she feels in the mood.
Redhead14 Posted August 3, 2016 Posted August 3, 2016 Do you think people in that condition are ever capable of having a long term thing? Ever capable of settling down when they find 'the one'? Or are they just that way forever? I mean she definitely has a lot of qualities especially in the way she parents and stuff, despite this disappearing thing. She is also very strong and knows how to deal with people and hostile situations, which is what I am attracted to. When I asked this on another (non relationship) forum a couple of female posters who replied said she may be doing this because she wants to 'test' me on how into HER I am. Like she wants me to initiate contact and come after her so she knows I'm serious about her. Is that a possibility in your mind? She's been this way for a long time, it would take a long time to break away from it. This is her coping mechanism. It's ingrained in her since childhood. She needs to do some heavy lifting in therapy and most people like her are emotionally too lazy to do that which is the reason they do what they do anyway. It's too difficult for them to process emotions with other people. They isolate. And, while they are doing that, they are inside their own heads, solving problems without input or insight from outside sources so they stay stuck with their, dysfunctional and immature thought-process. Emotionally, they are stunted and operating basically on the same age-level they were when difficulties started in childhood. They are therapy resistant. They may go to therapy, but they are very hesitant about opening up and often dance around the heart of the problem for many years because it takes so long to develop a trust relationship with the therapist. When I asked this on another (non relationship) forum a couple of female posters who replied said she may be doing this because she wants to 'test' me on how into HER I am -- Given what you've said here, that would be a huge mistake. She's been pretty clear with you about not wanting to be bothered. Chasing someone into their "cave" is a bad idea. They feel cornered, smothered, etc. If she didn't have all the other things going on that you've mentioned and did the pull away thing once or twice, maybe, I'd support that theory. And, if that is her motive so often, it would still be about the same things basically, and she's needing validation from you often. That would be exhausting for you.
tinkerbell16 Posted August 3, 2016 Posted August 3, 2016 I have been involved with this woman for about 6 months and seeing/in a relationship with her officially for about 3 months. She has depression and anxiety which (she says) causes her to 'drop off the face of the earth' for weeks at a time, in which time she does not contact or talk to anyone except her children who she lives with, and only reluctantly accepts contact from a couple of family members who are worried about her if she doesn't answer the phone. She also looks depressed and very stressed most of the time. When she is in a normal mood i never stop hearing from her. She phones me 3-4 times a day, talks for hours, etc. The other week she invited me out with her kids and my kids like a proper family day out. That went well and i assumed she was back to normal. She carried on regular contact and enthusiasm for like a week afterwards and now she's disappeared again. No contact. I just cannot help thinking that during these disappearances she is hooked up with someone else. I even called her out on it before and asked her if she's seeing someone because I needed to know so i could move on and put her behind me. She denied it and went funny about it. Her last relationship was with a very controlling guy who monitored her every move and wouldn't even let her see friends and she seemed to be implying that me asking if she's seeing someone was going along those same lines of being 'controlling'. It wasn't. I have plenty of offers and if she was seeing someone I just wanted to know so i could delete her and move on. There is something about this one i really like, and she keeps saying the chemistry we have and the mental connection we have is like nothing she's ever experienced. She's introduced me to close friends and some of her family which she said she reserves for people who are special to her. My kids have met her kids, etc. We have got really close. It's just these random weeks of no contact and disappearing that is bothering me very much. She seems to think there is no problem with it. Like it's no big deal to be so close to someone and then ignore them completely for weeks. Not even a single text, nothing. Just says 'My head went on me and i had to cut off and lock myself in my house not speak to anyone'. Of course everyone needs their own time and space. i don't need to be with her every moment of every day (it's one of many things we have in common, the need for own space) but constant communication and closeness one minute and then absolutely nothing for weeks is too much. Would you find this acceptable or no? Sounds a bit bi-polar. Maybe look into that as a possibility. 1
Aloha808808 Posted August 3, 2016 Posted August 3, 2016 That’s a tough situation to be in. If she has depression and anxiety then her behavior isn’t necessarily unusual for someone in that situation. I myself have had to deal with fear and anxiety and on really bad days you do sink down into this pit that is incredibly hard to get out of. You don’t want to do anything, see anyone or go anywhere. I have read plenty of articles on depression and would be happy to share some with you or chat more so you can get more understanding of what goes on for someone with depression. Do you know if she is getting any medical or professional help? Seeing a counselor/ phycologist/ psychiatrist or her primary doctor might be something worth suggesting if she isn’t already doing so. They can often suggest a lot of good strategies and coping mechanisms to combat depression and anxiety and also do tests and blood work to determine if the cause is a chemical imbalance and then find ways of correcting that. Either way this usually isn’t something that can be fixed overnight. Hope this helps!
jazzyhands89 Posted August 3, 2016 Posted August 3, 2016 You talk about how she feels this connection and chemistry towards you but nothing about how you feel towards her. Sounds like you just like her because she shows strong interest in you whenever she's not having one of her moods. I would break up with her and find a woman that you're actually interested in and it's not just an ego boost for you
Redhead14 Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 You talk about how she feels this connection and chemistry towards you but nothing about how you feel towards her. Sounds like you just like her because she shows strong interest in you whenever she's not having one of her moods. I would break up with her and find a woman that you're actually interested in and it's not just an ego boost for you I was thinking the same thing really. It seems he is addicted to the highs, like a junkie, and will accept jonesin' in between fixes. I'm not trying to be mean. I'm just trying to paint a visual to show the OP what this scenario is doing to HIM. He needs to forget about how she's feeling and trying to be in her head. He needs to focus on HIMSELF and how this is affecting him. 1
Sunkissedpatio Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 She sounds bi-polar. The mania makes them retreat and then once they hit the high again you cannot shut them up and they want contact all the time. And bi-polars do have a tendency to engage in self-destructive patterns - gabling, shopping sprees (maxing out credit cards in one go), promiscuity. How long have you known her and what does she say re. her depression?
Author alpo Posted August 4, 2016 Author Posted August 4, 2016 (edited) You talk about how she feels this connection and chemistry towards you but nothing about how you feel towards her. Sounds like you just like her because she shows strong interest in you whenever she's not having one of her moods. I would break up with her and find a woman that you're actually interested in and it's not just an ego boost for you I mentioned that I like her a lot but I didn't go deeper into it because i didn't think it was that relevant to what I'm asking. Basically I have several girls running me down and trying to 'get with me' right now. I have had other offers on the table since I first met this woman and I haven't taken any of them up. I haven't cheated on her or entertained any of these other girls for the simple fact that she is my first choice. It's her that I want to be with for a whole multitude of reasons. The first kiss I shared with this woman with like nothing I ever experienced before. The passion and electricity of it was on a next level entirely. That's just one small thing but we connect on many levels. I'm not going to list all the reasons why she is the one for me but we share a lot of similar ideas about things too. Views on the world. political beliefs, parenting. We are of the same age, we relate to many of the same things etc etc. She knows the majority of this and yet she still disappears. At the moment I've had no contact from her for 3 days but before that she was full on non stop for nearly 2 weeks. Phoning me every hour, sending me goodnight messages, talking about future plans, and now as I've gotten used to she's gone again (likely for a couple of weeks never longer than a month). Yet again there is no activity from her on social media, no texts, just complete disappearance. The thing is my feelings for her are so strong but i cannot wait forever. I mean I am declining offers from other girls because according to HER we are an item and we have something special, but how can this be normal? I don't know of any close relationships where one person goes missing for weeks on end and the other partner is just expected to accept it as no big deal. Edited August 4, 2016 by alpo
Author alpo Posted August 4, 2016 Author Posted August 4, 2016 That’s a tough situation to be in. If she has depression and anxiety then her behavior isn’t necessarily unusual for someone in that situation. I myself have had to deal with fear and anxiety and on really bad days you do sink down into this pit that is incredibly hard to get out of. You don’t want to do anything, see anyone or go anywhere. I have read plenty of articles on depression and would be happy to share some with you or chat more so you can get more understanding of what goes on for someone with depression. Do you know if she is getting any medical or professional help? Seeing a counselor/ phycologist/ psychiatrist or her primary doctor might be something worth suggesting if she isn’t already doing so. They can often suggest a lot of good strategies and coping mechanisms to combat depression and anxiety and also do tests and blood work to determine if the cause is a chemical imbalance and then find ways of correcting that. Either way this usually isn’t something that can be fixed overnight. Hope this helps! Thank you. Yes she receives therapy but the therapist is not very good and doesn't even show up for some of the appointments. I went with her to one appointment and waited in the reception with her for over half an hour and the woman didn't even turn up and then they didn't even get back in contact with her for another date. So I don't know the ins and outs of that, but she is under treatment and has the medication tablets to take. She has told me several times that she puts on a brave face for the world but is holding so much inside. One time she broke down in front of the doctor and started crying and she told me that's the first time she's ever broken down like that in front of someone. Everyone thinks she is fine because she puts on a brave face. She's broken down on the phone once to me too and I was on the phone even in the bath for an hour trying to reassure her. I just don't know what to do, you know? It all sounds like she is not ready for a relationship, she has so many issues. But the same time she tells me she wants me and is so glad i came into her life. When we are together she kisses me all the time wants me to hold her on the sofa for hours and she is always doing nice things for me too. She is always giving me advice and helping me with out with my kids and other such things. Even if she is linked in a pic on facebook with another guy a male friend or whatever she phones me up to inform me that guy is just a friend and she seems to think i might need reassuring that she only wants me as far as romance goes. All her actions imply she likes me as much as i like her except for these disappearances.
Author alpo Posted August 4, 2016 Author Posted August 4, 2016 She sounds bi-polar. The mania makes them retreat and then once they hit the high again you cannot shut them up and they want contact all the time. And bi-polars do have a tendency to engage in self-destructive patterns - gabling, shopping sprees (maxing out credit cards in one go), promiscuity. How long have you known her and what does she say re. her depression? My children's mother had depression and anxiety and mental health issues but she never disappeared on me ever while we were together, but then again everyone's different obviously. If she is bi-polar that would be a whole new thing for me though. Never dealt with that before. I have known her 6-7 months. She just says she puts ona brave face for the world. She doesn't show weakness but she has years of being broken bottled up inside her but has no choice but to get on with life for her kids sake. That kind of thing.
Author alpo Posted August 21, 2016 Author Posted August 21, 2016 Thought i'd provide an update to this. She basically returned after a weeks absence and thought it was me that was ignoring HER. She had wrote out a text to send me and forgot to hit the 'send' button so was assuming i was ignoring her even though she never checked the text had gone through. Miscommunication, which is why we talk 95 percent of the time on the phone instead of text. Anyway, we talked over her disappearances and she's apologized profusely for them and said that in the future if she needs some space from everyone she will at least send me one text or phone call letting me know that's the case. So it's back to normal right now just meeting up and spending time together etc but the thing is she's not taking her medication or attending any psychologist appointments at the moment. Says she doesn't need the meds and will just get on with it and handle it like she always does. Is it a recipe for disaster because is not taking the treatment? Then again not everyone NEEDS prescription drugs and can get better in natural ways??
preraph Posted August 21, 2016 Posted August 21, 2016 Tell her if she doesn't take her meds and see the psychiatrist, you're out. 85 percent of psych patients don't take their meds right or at all, because they're not able to make good decisions or aren't willing to work on the process of getting the combination of meds right and find something that works for them properly. Unless she's working on it, I'd be out. I have no patience for people who can't be bothered to work on their biggest problem.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted August 21, 2016 Posted August 21, 2016 I have been involved with this woman for about 6 months and seeing/in a relationship with her officially for about 3 months. She has depression and anxiety which (she says) causes her to 'drop off the face of the earth' for weeks at a time, in which time she does not contact or talk to anyone except her children who she lives with, and only reluctantly accepts contact from a couple of family members who are worried about her if she doesn't answer the phone. She also looks depressed and very stressed most of the time. It doesn't matter why or how she is coping with all of this. It doesn't matter what you think she may really be doing during these episodes...WHY do you want to punish yourself by being involved with someone like this??? I WILL not allow someone else's ISSUES affect my happiness...I'm sorry, whatever mental issue one may be going through, I have children and my and their happiness to focus on...no go.
phineas Posted August 21, 2016 Posted August 21, 2016 Thought i'd provide an update to this. She basically returned after a weeks absence and thought it was me that was ignoring HER. She had wrote out a text to send me and forgot to hit the 'send' button so was assuming i was ignoring her even though she never checked the text had gone through. Miscommunication, which is why we talk 95 percent of the time on the phone instead of text. Anyway, we talked over her disappearances and she's apologized profusely for them and said that in the future if she needs some space from everyone she will at least send me one text or phone call letting me know that's the case. So it's back to normal right now just meeting up and spending time together etc but the thing is she's not taking her medication or attending any psychologist appointments at the moment. Says she doesn't need the meds and will just get on with it and handle it like she always does. Is it a recipe for disaster because is not taking the treatment? Then again not everyone NEEDS prescription drugs and can get better in natural ways?? For a committed relationship this is a disaster in the making. For a FWB's while you go out and find a woman who doesn't have issues it seems fine to me.
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