Desperate.

[becccajames]

My ex had consistently chased me for 6 years throughout the whole of school and after, we were always really close friends but i was always too afraid to progress further incase that friendship got ruined. Even in his one other long term relationship he admitted to still always wanting to be with me and even throughout the good times with his ex he still imagined doing those things with me instead. They even argued about me because she was so jealous and adamant he still had feelings for me! Then after going through a hard time with a previous ex myself and having him support me we began to get close again and eventually ended up starting a relationship. And while at first i was slightly unsure about it, it quickly became clear it was the best decision i’d ever made, he was so madly in love with me and for the first time i felt so confident that someone felt like the luckiest person alive to be with me. He absolutely adored me and treated me like a queen. 2 and a half years later, and only just coming back off a wonderful week long holiday together with his family.. out of the blue, it’s over.

 

Seeming in a bit of a bad mood one day i asked him if he was okay or if i’d done something and got the ‘we need to talk’ text. My stomach immediately dropped and i felt sick, but didn’t want to jump to conclusions and assume the worst. He came over that evening and told me he thought things had changed and that for weeks he’d had this feeling of that ‘sometimes’ he just wants to be my friend. Sometimes?! Even though that morning he’d commented on how it was our anniversary and 2 days previously we had even been on a date night where he’d complained because i had red lipstick on meaning he couldn’t kiss me and asked me to sit next to him in the bar instead of opposite him so he could put his arm around me, not really ‘i just want to be your friend behaviour’ right? He also admitted to still loving me and being happy with me just that feeling of sometimes wanting to be my friend was constantly making him anxious and he didn't feel it fair to be with me.

 

I’m just so confused because there was absolutely no sign that anything had changed. If anything i thought we seemed happier than ever. He text me a few times after the relationship ended almost a month ago but since our last conversation there has been zero contact for about 18 days now. And i don’t know how to deal with what’s happened so suddenly or to even try make sense of it. How can we have such a huge history and such a loving relationship then him just seem so cold and be able to cut me off so easy? He literally just doesn't seem to care. No body that knows him or us as a couple can believe it. I'm adamant along with our mutual friends that (as cringey as it sounds) that after everything we've been through 'we're meant to be' but i just can't stand that he can so easily just go without me. After being a part of each others lives for almost 9 years and having a very happy long term relationship i can't even begin to wrap my head around this or what to do. Any advice or thoughts would be hugely appreciated and how should i go about this would be massively appreciated.

[smudge21]

I remember as a kid, wanting this one toy for ages, probably nearly a year. In my mind it would be the toy to end all toys. Come Christmas, I got said toy and was happier than I'd ever been before. However, as with all the other toys, eventually it lost it's appeal once I had it with me all the time. It was clear the wanting was more powerful than the having. All the build up, all that excitement, all that over thinking of how great it would be to have this toy, had created something in my mind that wasn't real.

 

In a similar sense, all those years of build up and the thought of "what if" have built up this idea that the two of you together would be absolute perfection. It's similar to when people have that love at first sight thing, where they meet someone and they just build up in their minds that this will be perfect. The idea of something becomes bigger than it can ever be. The fantasy is always better than the reality.

 

Nothing is ever perfect, especially relationships. No matter how perfect the two people appear to be for each other, every relationship needs work. You say this guy has had failed relationships before, so maybe it's just how he is. Maybe he jumps into serious relationships expecting everything to be perfect and when it turns out not to be (because they never are) then rather than trying to work on the problems, he walks away. In other words, don't put the blame on yourself here.

 

As for the sudden nature of his change, that's what it always seems like to the dumper, but for the dumpee, they've been mentally leaving for a good while before they eventually say goodbye. It's never as sudden as it seems. I would say he's had doubts for sometime but instead of talking about them or trying to solve the problems, he just let it stew and eventually called it a day. It sucks but it happens to pretty much every dumpee on here, myself included.

 

As much as I've suggested a few reasons why this may have ended, in truth I can never know. Only he knows for sure. However, trying to find those answers will just keep you hanging on, not healing. You need to now focus on yourself and do what is best for you. Follow the NC guide and stick to it. As painful as things are now, it really does help.

[Nowty V]

Hey beccajames

 

This isn't easy for you I can see.

 

Reading this may help

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/journals/satu/e295-don-t-neglect-yourself/

 

You should do a complete NC and focus on yourself

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/journals/satu/e289-why-do-nc/

 

Try this, it's a classic

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/56954-do-you-really-think-contacting-your-ex-going-help-you-guide-long-walk

 

and this

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/470829-all-new-2014-no-contact-guide

 

If you need to vent or just some support visit LS, you have a good life ahead of you, focus on being the best you that you can

[ExpatInItaly]

I remember as a kid, wanting this one toy for ages, probably nearly a year. In my mind it would be the toy to end all toys. Come Christmas, I got said toy and was happier than I'd ever been before. However, as with all the other toys, eventually it lost it's appeal once I had it with me all the time. It was clear the wanting was more powerful than the having. All the build up, all that excitement, all that over thinking of how great it would be to have this toy, had created something in my mind that wasn't real.

 

In a similar sense, all those years of build up and the thought of "what if" have built up this idea that the two of you together would be absolute perfection. It's similar to when people have that love at first sight thing, where they meet someone and they just build up in their minds that this will be perfect. The idea of something becomes bigger than it can ever be. The fantasy is always better than the reality.

 

Nothing is ever perfect, especially relationships. No matter how perfect the two people appear to be for each other, every relationship needs work. You say this guy has had failed relationships before, so maybe it's just how he is. Maybe he jumps into serious relationships expecting everything to be perfect and when it turns out not to be (because they never are) then rather than trying to work on the problems, he walks away. In other words, don't put the blame on yourself here.

 

As for the sudden nature of his change, that's what it always seems like to the dumper, but for the dumpee, they've been mentally leaving for a good while before they eventually say goodbye. It's never as sudden as it seems. I would say he's had doubts for sometime but instead of talking about them or trying to solve the problems, he just let it stew and eventually called it a day. It sucks but it happens to pretty much every dumpee on here, myself included.

 

As much as I've suggested a few reasons why this may have ended, in truth I can never know. Only he knows for sure. However, trying to find those answers will just keep you hanging on, not healing. You need to now focus on yourself and do what is best for you. Follow the NC guide and stick to it. As painful as things are now, it really does help.

 

This is very true. I can confirm that having been the dumper and dumpee. Even if everything seems fine, it's obviously not to the one who ended the relationship.

 

When I broke up with a long-term boyfriend, I had been trying to convince myself that my doubts were a phase, that the feelings of disconnect would pass...I didn't want to give up easily and I knew it would hurt him. I tried to put on a happy face, as it were. Your ex may have been doing the same. In my case, I did try to talk to my ex about our problems before I called it a day.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting, girl. I can see why you're baffled, especially if he never raised any concerns. Were there no indications of a problem at all?

[becccajames]

There was literally nothing! I've thought and thought about it to try and find even just one indication that i obviously didn't notice at the time but there isn't a single thing that suggests he was feeling differently or that things were changing, he was completely normal, 2 days previously we'd been on a date night in which he'd repeatedly told me he was looking forward to, and a few days before that i'd popped over to see him briefly and when i went to leave he kept asking me to stay and spend more time with him, so many little things that just make it even more baffling. If he was feeling that way why would he go out of his way to do those little things. Do you think knowing my situation there could be any chance of reconciliation?

[Redhead14]

There was literally nothing! I've thought and thought about it to try and find even just one indication that i obviously didn't notice at the time but there isn't a single thing that suggests he was feeling differently or that things were changing, he was completely normal, 2 days previously we'd been on a date night in which he'd repeatedly told me he was looking forward to, and a few days before that i'd popped over to see him briefly and when i went to leave he kept asking me to stay and spend more time with him, so many little things that just make it even more baffling. If he was feeling that way why would he go out of his way to do those little things. Do you think knowing my situation there could be any chance of reconciliation?

 

People sometimes just start operating on auto-pilot especially in a long-term relationship. Going through the machinations of daily living, while underneath, thoughts and emotions are running in the background so to speak. Until something sort of triggers them back to "reality", like an anniversary which then causes them to focus on what's been going inside.

 

Since there weren't any significant stressors, apparently, there is a possibility of reconciliation. In order to have the best possible chance for that, you should just let him be for a while. Don't reach out to him.. Sit back and let him come to you if he is going to. Then you'll need to observe him carefully if he says he wants to try again and let him do most of the chasing, like in the beginning, for a little while.

 

Frankly, I'd just block him and keep going, but this was a really long and apparently happy relationship, so I don't really see any harm in letting things play out whichever way they go.

[RocketQueen]

This could almost be identical to my story. My Ex was almost obsessed with me for years. He would cancel plans with friends if he knew I was going to be online (he lived away from me) and compared everyone to me.

 

When we eventually got together (me, like you having doubts) he was the most attentive person I had ever met. He would look at me and say 'I can't believe I'M with YOU' all very flattering and new for me. I fell hook, line and sinker.

 

Like the others have said, the reality is often very different. He was younger than me and somewhat inexperienced in relationships but he would comment every now and then after a couple of years 'I never thought you'd do this or that' (nothing bad) and I often said he had to get the years of imagining us being together out of his head- because this was real and different.

 

He too seemingly left all at once. Leaving me devastated and at times annoyed because I didn't intend to love him- he just made it very hard for me not to!!!

 

For me, the most devastating part has been that he couldn't quite break free. We spent a long time going back and forth with him never being fully invested in trying again although he instigated it.

 

If I could give myself some advice in the beginning it would have been to do No Contact as soon as possible because I genuinely believe had that happened we might just have had a chance.

 

Now I am doing No contact solely to try and forget the last 18 months and move on fully.

 

Good Luck. Keep us updated xxx

Edited August 3, 2016 by RocketQueen
typo

[becccajames]

Thank you all so very much for your advice, can't get across just how much it really helps! We've been in no contact for almost 3 weeks now and am i being premature in believing if he was going to regret his decision it would have happened by now?

[Redhead14]

Thank you all so very much for your advice, can't get across just how much it really helps! We've been in no contact for almost 3 weeks now and am i being premature in believing if he was going to regret his decision it would have happened by now?

 

am i being premature in believing if he was going to regret his decision it would have happened by now? -- There's no way to knowand you should not be in a holding/hoping pattern. You should be using the period of no contact to focus on you and your needs and living your life as a secure, independent woman.

 

When/if he comes back, if it were me, he would have to return on a white horse, with a huge diamond and a never-ending apology filled with empathy and understanding about how all this made me feel and a detailed, sincere, honest conversation about what has been going on in his head and exactly what he's been doing with his time while in no contact, in order for me to even consider taking him back.

 

Honestly, though, if it were me, I'd block him forever unless there are pressing items that need to be addressed between you, shared finances, etc. Otherwise, I'd keep moving. You were not his wife or his fiance apparently, you don't owe anything to this relationship or him especially since he apparently doesn't think he owes anything either.

[becccajames]

Yeah i definitely know you're right. It's kinda gone beyond the point of him getting that sudden realisation that he'd made a huge mistake and came running back which i've of course spent weeks now hoping for.

 

It's just very hard to deal with how easy it's seemed for him cutting me off after a very generally happy and loving long term relationship and even a somewhat civil okay breakup. I know he's more than likely had much more time to process it all and obviously is going to deal with it differently as the one who ended it but i at least thought he'd care just a little bit more and considering he said he still loved me how can he act the way he is. So incredibly frustrating and heartbreaking.

[ExpatInItaly]

There was literally nothing! I've thought and thought about it to try and find even just one indication that i obviously didn't notice at the time but there isn't a single thing that suggests he was feeling differently or that things were changing, he was completely normal, 2 days previously we'd been on a date night in which he'd repeatedly told me he was looking forward to, and a few days before that i'd popped over to see him briefly and when i went to leave he kept asking me to stay and spend more time with him, so many little things that just make it even more baffling. If he was feeling that way why would he go out of his way to do those little things. Do you think knowing my situation there could be any chance of reconciliation?

 

It's very hard to say, because he has been rather vague about why his feelings changed. Maybe he himself can't explain why, beyond just feeling like he'd lost interest.

 

If he had cited something specific, it'd be easier to guess whether reconciliation was in the cards.

[becccajames]

It's very hard to say, because he has been rather vague about why his feelings changed. Maybe he himself can't explain why, beyond just feeling like he'd lost interest.

 

If he had cited something specific, it'd be easier to guess whether reconciliation was in the cards.

 

It's all just very strange, like i said i've known him almost 9 years now and feel like i truly know him inside and out, i know i'd have noticed if something was playing on his mind, he's not the kind of person who could hide if he wasn't happy and he's incredibly stubborn and definitely wouldn't have forced himself to still be affectionate if he didn't feel that way about me. It's just out of character and EVERYONE who knows what's happened has been shocked. Even his friends have told me they think he'll realise. It's just extremely difficult to not hope that this no contact and giving him the space and time away from me will be enough.

[Redhead14]

It's all just very strange, like i said i've known him almost 9 years now and feel like i truly know him inside and out, i know i'd have noticed if something was playing on his mind, he's not the kind of person who could hide if he wasn't happy and he's incredibly stubborn and definitely wouldn't have forced himself to still be affectionate if he didn't feel that way about me. It's just out of character and EVERYONE who knows what's happened has been shocked. Even his friends have told me they think he'll realise. It's just extremely difficult to not hope that this no contact and giving him the space and time away from me will be enough.

 

definitely wouldn't have forced himself to still be affectionate I doubt he had to force himself. He probably does have affection for you regardless of whatever is going on, he doesn't hate you.

 

And, depending on what is actually going on, he would force himself to keep the appearance of normalcy in order to continue to deal with whatever it is on his own. In other words, he's stubborn and wants to do it his way . . . If he didn't keep things up, he would have the additional problem of having to deal with you and explain. He didn't want to do that for whatever reason there is.

[becccajames]

Update: After over 3 weeks of no contact last weekend i was shocked to look down at my phone and find a text from him. After hours of debating if i should or shouldn't reply to his 'Hope everything's okay' i decided to go for it but just keep it short and blunt. I was then even more shocked to then seconds later get another text! And before i knew it, it was 3am and we had been texting for 7 hours, 7 hours which included him telling me it had been really nice speaking to me, he'd wished that he was with me, calling me 'gorgeous', saying how he knows me best and even bought up things from the relationship in which he missed.

 

Then came the talk about meeting up. He'd been telling me how much he missed squeezing me and asked if he could come pick me up the following day for 'squeezes'. Now at this point i very much steered clear of giving an answer and kept telling him he'd had a drink and would feel differently in the morning but he was adamant that if i wanted to see him he would come. I tried not to get my hopes up and got into my head that i'd more than likely either receive no text the next morning, or at the very least an excuse or some kind of 'sorry last night shouldn't have happened' but to my surprise i woke up to a 'are you home yet?' (i'd stopped at my friends the previous night)

 

Once i got home i just couldn't help myself and agreed to see him. And within the hour he'd picked me up and taken me to a local nature reserve (definitely the kind of place we'd usually have gone to together) and it was so lovely, straight away i could tell he was still very attracted to me and it didn't take long before he was pulling me into his lap and kissing me, then whilst walking he kept stopping to grab me and kiss me, it literally felt like we had never been apart. He bought up the idea of doing it again and i felt like it was all finally falling into place. Then after he dropped me off within 10 minutes of being back (the time it would have taken him to drive home) he text straight away, we continued to speak for the entire day, all seemed very hopeful and i felt so happy. Then 5 days later and i've heard nothing from him. Zero.

[Toodaloo]

we had even been on a date night where he’d complained because i had red lipstick on meaning he couldn’t kiss me

 

I have nothing more to add other than I would have thought this was the best time to kiss...

 

I wear red lipstick when I want to be kissed... Sometimes its good to just let go and not worry about a smudge here and there. Its good to just let lose and have a random snog even if you do have to repair make up after... because its fun making a mess of it!!!

 

Just a thought.