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is apologizing sometimes not a good idea?


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Posted

So I met someone and we hit it off rather well chatting/texting, especially as she was doing long paragraph texts with generally quite quick reply times, and generally indicating interest. She seemed like the good, innocent type who was only into more serious things, but that's just my impression.

 

We actually met online and transitioned to phone; she said on her profile that she wants people to actually talk to her first and that she wasn't into just casual hookups, which is fine with me. After like 3-4 days of interaction I thought it was enough time to try asking her out to somewhere, telling her half jokingly that I was tired of only communicating with her this way and wanted to meet her in person for some drinks. Then she just suddenly cut off in the middle of the conversation despite previous replies being quick. I'm thinking she might have thought that I was tired of talking to her in general and just wanted to get this over with and hook up, which was definitely not the case; I just thought (and learned from experience) that initiating asking to meet up is better to do sooner rather than later, but was fine with continuing to talk if that's what she was comfortable with.

 

My question is about what you should do if you accidentally said something that may have been misinterpreted or came out the wrong way and that changed her opinion in a negative way. Do you try to explain it or just wait for her to get back to you?

 

Late in the next afternoon I tried explaining what I meant and also said it was cool if we kept chatting too, but still nothing in response, after another half day.

 

I can see how some would say apologizing or explaining what you were doing comes across as weak and makes you look needy, which is the last thing I want to do. But it's one of those damned if you do, damned if you don't type deals. If you don't clarify or say anything, then she just might walk away with a misunderstanding and lost a good opportunity over it. Argh...

 

Also, do some people really take that long when it comes to getting to know them before meeting? I'm guessing they want to protect themselves in a way and only get involved with someone who's actually serious and patient enough to go through this first.

Posted (edited)

I am firm in my belief that we should only apologise if we've done something wrong.

 

In this case, I can see that what you said could be misconstrued but you didn't actually do anything wrong. You've done your best to explain and make good. If that's not good enough for her, walk away.

 

edited to add: apologising for something we did wrong or explaining something which has been misunderstood does not make a person look weak or needy.

Edited by basil67
  • Like 2
Posted
So I met someone and we hit it off rather well chatting/texting, especially as she was doing long paragraph texts with generally quite quick reply times, and generally indicating interest. She seemed like the good, innocent type who was only into more serious things, but that's just my impression.

 

We actually met online and transitioned to phone; she said on her profile that she wants people to actually talk to her first and that she wasn't into just casual hookups, which is fine with me. After like 3-4 days of interaction I thought it was enough time to try asking her out to somewhere, telling her half jokingly that I was tired of only communicating with her this way and wanted to meet her in person for some drinks. Then she just suddenly cut off in the middle of the conversation despite previous replies being quick. I'm thinking she might have thought that I was tired of talking to her in general and just wanted to get this over with and hook up, which was definitely not the case; I just thought (and learned from experience) that initiating asking to meet up is better to do sooner rather than later, but was fine with continuing to talk if that's what she was comfortable with.

 

My question is about what you should do if you accidentally said something that may have been misinterpreted or came out the wrong way and that changed her opinion in a negative way. Do you try to explain it or just wait for her to get back to you?

 

Late in the next afternoon I tried explaining what I meant and also said it was cool if we kept chatting too, but still nothing in response, after another half day.

 

I can see how some would say apologizing or explaining what you were doing comes across as weak and makes you look needy, which is the last thing I want to do. But it's one of those damned if you do, damned if you don't type deals. If you don't clarify or say anything, then she just might walk away with a misunderstanding and lost a good opportunity over it. Argh...

 

Also, do some people really take that long when it comes to getting to know them before meeting? I'm guessing they want to protect themselves in a way and only get involved with someone who's actually serious and patient enough to go through this first.

 

It's a subtle thing but bolded above. I think it would have been MUCH better to tell her that you were excited or wanted to meet her (displaying positive mindset) rather than telling her you were "tired" of doing something (negative mindset/negative toward the mutual conversations thus far). I can't explain it much better than that but I also wouldn't like if someone's "reason" for wanting to take the next step was presented as such. I'd be wary of someone who presented any positive attention from me as a bother. Maybe you didn't mean it that way but it doesn't sound great. Or maybe you are frustrated with her pace (which I understand) but much better to say: I've enjoyed getting to know you so much so far, I'm excited to meet you in person or can't wait to do something with you. Also if she is skittish (seems like it a bit), it may make more sense to ease into what sorts of activities you would do and soft sell (like "we should do that sometime") along the way during your conversations and then follow up with a direct ask at the time you did. The way you phrased it makes it seem like you are frustrated with her and feel strung along which creates animosity (even if it's minor).

 

Anyway, coupled with the fact that she needs such a long lead time before meeting someone, she probably is just a skittish or hot/cold person as well.

 

As far as apologizing, I don't think you "need" to as you really didn't do anything wrong. However, I agree with basil that if you ever do something wrong, it's the best way to handle things. In this case now, you could clarify and explain your position better and say sorry if it came off wrong toward her or caused any misunderstanding. Good luck.

  • Like 2
Posted

Catfish. Very common behavior with women you'll find online. They go on and on forever messaging like there's no tomorrow, giving all the right signals and when the guy asks for more, they vanish into thin air and he's left scratching his head.

 

You have to realize that most women are using online dating to feed their egos.

 

Mate you haven't done anything wrong, NEVER EVER apologize to these women for asking them what is sensible in a dating site and what is expected from a man.

Posted

I think the message could have been delivered better but if your on an online site meant for dating you are within your right to want to actually meet her.

Posted

She played you. Why are you the one who apologise ?

Posted
So I met someone and we hit it off rather well chatting/texting, especially as she was doing long paragraph texts with generally quite quick reply times, and generally indicating interest. She seemed like the good, innocent type who was only into more serious things, but that's just my impression.

 

We actually met online and transitioned to phone; she said on her profile that she wants people to actually talk to her first and that she wasn't into just casual hookups, which is fine with me. After like 3-4 days of interaction I thought it was enough time to try asking her out to somewhere, telling her half jokingly that I was tired of only communicating with her this way and wanted to meet her in person for some drinks. Then she just suddenly cut off in the middle of the conversation despite previous replies being quick. I'm thinking she might have thought that I was tired of talking to her in general and just wanted to get this over with and hook up, which was definitely not the case; I just thought (and learned from experience) that initiating asking to meet up is better to do sooner rather than later, but was fine with continuing to talk if that's what she was comfortable with.

 

My question is about what you should do if you accidentally said something that may have been misinterpreted or came out the wrong way and that changed her opinion in a negative way. Do you try to explain it or just wait for her to get back to you?

 

Late in the next afternoon I tried explaining what I meant and also said it was cool if we kept chatting too, but still nothing in response, after another half day.

 

I can see how some would say apologizing or explaining what you were doing comes across as weak and makes you look needy, which is the last thing I want to do. But it's one of those damned if you do, damned if you don't type deals. If you don't clarify or say anything, then she just might walk away with a misunderstanding and lost a good opportunity over it. Argh...

 

Also, do some people really take that long when it comes to getting to know them before meeting? I'm guessing they want to protect themselves in a way and only get involved with someone who's actually serious and patient enough to go through this first.

 

I don't think you did anything offensive nor need to apologize. If he called her a b*&tch or some derogatory name, then yes, but it doesn't sound like you did anything. I'd say move on...

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