Author ashy555 Posted August 8, 2016 Author Posted August 8, 2016 If you're avoiding telling men you slept with guys that ended up using you because you're worried you're going to be seen as tainted then you need to raise your standards. I've had multiple boyfriends I told the truth about that to. They didn't give a crap or judge me they actually said yeah a lot of guys are like that Thanks Jazzyhands. I think that is true. I shouldn't be scared of their judgement. I said what I said because I felt comfortable opening up with him. He is no stranger to me and we know each others pasts. It probably isn't something I would say so soon to a stranger though. But I also believe what I said did scare him away. Only because he just wasn't quite mature enough to cope with what I wanted. I know he had his heart broken quite badly before and I think he felt the pressure and ran.
tinkerbell16 Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 wow... Thanks for all your insights. You're right, I am only 26 so I guess I still got lots to learn. It actually didn't really bother me much of what he said. I wasn't 'pretending' as someone said. BUT that is why i called him out on it as I don't want to be the pushover anymore. I've been so naive and stupid in the past. I know some men never grow up but I think I'll start looking for a little older. Maybe he was just after sex. I just never saw him as that 'guy' i guess as I have known him for a while. From what I can remember I think he has only ever slept with one girl before. I am so happy I never gave it to him. Things were going so well. Considering he liked me for so long, he barely even gave us a chance to feel that spark. I did see him as a little dickish. Not the gentleman I am after. Kudos to you for calling him.out on his immature behavior (his defensive responses indicate he was talking about you). His snap chat behavior shows his lack of respect for you. You are young but sounds like you are learning to enforce safe boundaries. Never give any man or boy the ability to determine your value. By listening to your gut and keeping sex off the table you weeded out this loser. Hone those skills and don't look back 1
neowulf Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 No, pretty, much all guys do this. If your man says he doesn't, hates guys like that, would never disrespect you like that...he is lying. It's how guys interact with friends and brothers. It's more just talk than anything we analyze or think about or say to make an actual statement. Just bs talk basically, fluff. We don't spend time talking about where we went, what we talked about, how much we are alike, what our feelings were...our friend just asks, "You nail her?" We answer, "Wanna see the pictures?", convo over. Now where this guy sounds like a complete ass is when he got caught he got defensive. Most guys would be like, "Sh*t. I am sorry, I'm a POS, I'll take responsibility for that." This girl sounds like she handled it awesome, he was too embarrassed to overcome his mistake and bailed. *thinks* Well, I'm a guy and I've never spoken like that about any woman.. so... *shrug*
HuskerHomer Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 Hahaha I love how you assume I am a 'bad girl' :rolleyes: This is one of my friends you are talking about who I have known for years. I know him way better than that rubbish you just fed me. He is a decent guy. I get what you are trying to say and agree to an extent about being in fantasy land, but the rest of it.. crap. Whats wrong with being a nice guy? Absolutely Nothing. I found him attractive and really.. I always have to an extent, but was always after the wrong men. I have also never slept with anyone on date one or two. WHY? Because I don't want to as that is not the person I am. So wherever you pulled this ... "I put out for anyone and everyone" crap is beyond me. I am 26 and can count the men I have slept with on one hand. I just haven't found the right guy yet. Yes, I have been very naive in the past, but I am learning. So your comment has little perspective on me. You are just being plain spiteful. Also... What is so wrong with a bad girl gaining morals and wanting to become a nice self respecting good girl? Absolutely nothing. Get over yourself. I also never slept with someone I didn't like. Don't know where you pulled that from either.. You still don't get it. I didn't say you slept with anyone and everyone. But you probably had sex with more people than he has. And he knows you slept with other guys. In your original post you said you had "chased the losers." And you even told him to his face about it. And you told him that you'd been "used" by those guys (which I am sure he understood to mean they didn't really like you, but you had sex with them anyway). Yet for this guy, AFTER 5 YEARS of him liking you, you still want him to wait for the fourth, fifth, tenth, 20th date? So ask yourself, how many of your other sexual partners did you have sex with on or before the fourth date? You had sex with losers who used you, but the one good guy, who you've known for years, you make wait. Don't you see how backwards that sounds -- the "loser" bad guys get sex much quicker than the "good" guy? And why that good guy might think "this girl doesn't find me sexually attractive -- if she did, she'd bang me just like other losers she's slept with over the years, but is just "dating" me so she can get free meals, movies, whatever"? If he truly still liked you after those 5 years, he called it off for the very reasons I just highlighted. It is an emotional response to the feeling a guy -- one who is likely less experienced sexually than you, and probably insecure about it -- gets when the girl bangs the "bad boys" quicker than himself, the supposedly "good guy." His likely view: "I have already been waiting 5 years for her; why is she making me wait longer when I know she had sex with losers quicker than with me? After 5 years, why are we going to "go slow?"" Yes, he's heard you talk about how you've been burned before, etc., but he's thinking: "she's known me for 5 years, she doesn't need to go slow to make sure I'm a "genuine guy" [your term for him], she already knows who I am and what I'm like and that I've liked her all this time. If she really liked me, after all these years, she wouldn't keep making wait to have sex with her." Like I said, you can try to be a "reformed" ex-bad girl, and put on a "good girl" persona, but don't try it with some guy who knows your past. It will just piss him off, and if you don't have sex, he'll leave you. Just like this guy did after he tried repeatedly to have sex that one last night, and you repeatedly told him no. Then, a few days later, he called it quits. At this point, he's feeling sexually insecure, ticked off, and confused - in his mind, you don't need to go slow with him, you already KNOW what a good guy he is. In his mind, once again the "good guy" is getting the raw end of the deal, as compared to the bad guy losers in the world. And it isn't just his past that is telling him this, he's seen it played out repeatedly with other girls along the way, and he's probably read about it too. How "nice guys" finish last -- even though girls say just the opposite. And just because you've known him for years doesn't mean you know what he is feeling and thinking AS A MAN. He ditched you because you wouldn't have sex. He didn't want to put it that directly and crassly to you -- he is not confident enough to say that directly (and most guys, even big-time players, won't say it that directly), and because he likes you doesn't want to hurt you -- but that is what happened. You can pretend that wasn't the reason, but it almost assuredly was.
HuskerHomer Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 If this guy knows of your past, and thinks you slept with a bunch of douchebags, imagine the hit to his self esteem when you were more than willing to sleep with those guys, but turned him down. IMO, this is why he broke up with you. A man wants to be with a woman that makes him feel good about himself, not one that makes him feel crappy. Look, things happened, and your date with your friend did not go anywhere. That's life. Why do some women always want to call a man immature? He broke things off with you, for whatever reason. That doesn't mean you should immediately insult his maturity. Maybe just accept that he wasn't into you anymore. That is the mature way to handle it. Bingo, we have a winner. Less experienced, not sexually confident guy, gets made to wait to have sex while past bad guy losers got it easier. Makes him feel sexually unattractive, because her past says if she was truly sexually attracted to him, she'd have sex with him. Plus, she effectively calls him out on it after getting the text after the first date, telling him about her past sexual experiences, which are more than his. This makes him defensive, hurts his ego, wounds his pride, and raises doubts as to her motives. Tries one last night, repeatedly, to have sex. Girls again says no, no, no. Guy can't take the sexual rejection any longer -- it hurts too much when he compares himself to the prior douchebags in her life who did get sex -- and doesn't want to keep just "dating" to see if she might ever change her mind. So, he cuts lose. Girl has no clue as to how he feels and what just happened, and calls him immature. Maybe, in a way, he was. But feeling like you're second best to prior jerks and losers isn't a good way to feel, and we can't always control our emotions. Best for him to get on with his life. Girl is hurt because she doesn't understand the dynamics involved. Not saying she should have slept with him -- that is her choice -- but if she had understood him better, at least she'd have realized the choices in front of her: sleep with him and see where this relationship can end up, or don't sleep with him and have him end it. 1
Author ashy555 Posted August 9, 2016 Author Posted August 9, 2016 (edited) You still don't get it. I didn't say you slept with anyone and everyone. But you probably had sex with more people than he has. And he knows you slept with other guys. In your original post you said you had "chased the losers." And you even told him to his face about it. And you told him that you'd been "used" by those guys (which I am sure he understood to mean they didn't really like you, but you had sex with them anyway). Yet for this guy, AFTER 5 YEARS of him liking you, you still want him to wait for the fourth, fifth, tenth, 20th date? So ask yourself, how many of your other sexual partners did you have sex with on or before the fourth date? You had sex with losers who used you, but the one good guy, who you've known for years, you make wait. Don't you see how backwards that sounds -- the "loser" bad guys get sex much quicker than the "good" guy? And why that good guy might think "this girl doesn't find me sexually attractive -- if she did, she'd bang me just like other losers she's slept with over the years, but is just "dating" me so she can get free meals, movies, whatever"? If he truly still liked you after those 5 years, he called it off for the very reasons I just highlighted. It is an emotional response to the feeling a guy -- one who is likely less experienced sexually than you, and probably insecure about it -- gets when the girl bangs the "bad boys" quicker than himself, the supposedly "good guy." His likely view: "I have already been waiting 5 years for her; why is she making me wait longer when I know she had sex with losers quicker than with me? After 5 years, why are we going to "go slow?"" Yes, he's heard you talk about how you've been burned before, etc., but he's thinking: "she's known me for 5 years, she doesn't need to go slow to make sure I'm a "genuine guy" [your term for him], she already knows who I am and what I'm like and that I've liked her all this time. If she really liked me, after all these years, she wouldn't keep making wait to have sex with her." Like I said, you can try to be a "reformed" ex-bad girl, and put on a "good girl" persona, but don't try it with some guy who knows your past. It will just piss him off, and if you don't have sex, he'll leave you. Just like this guy did after he tried repeatedly to have sex that one last night, and you repeatedly told him no. Then, a few days later, he called it quits. At this point, he's feeling sexually insecure, ticked off, and confused - in his mind, you don't need to go slow with him, you already KNOW what a good guy he is. In his mind, once again the "good guy" is getting the raw end of the deal, as compared to the bad guy losers in the world. And it isn't just his past that is telling him this, he's seen it played out repeatedly with other girls along the way, and he's probably read about it too. How "nice guys" finish last -- even though girls say just the opposite. And just because you've known him for years doesn't mean you know what he is feeling and thinking AS A MAN. He ditched you because you wouldn't have sex. He didn't want to put it that directly and crassly to you -- he is not confident enough to say that directly (and most guys, even big-time players, won't say it that directly), and because he likes you doesn't want to hurt you -- but that is what happened. You can pretend that wasn't the reason, but it almost assuredly was. Ok now I understand what you are saying and where you are coming from. If that is the case. Then I am better off without someone who can't wait for sex. I'll have sex when I damn well feel like it. I probably would have slept with him the next time I saw him as I started to feel ready. I certainly wouldn't wait 20 dates either as that is a bit extreme. He knew I was treading more carefully as I didn't want to screw it up by sleeping with him to early. Look, he ran so like someone said. I weeded him out. I hate that it could have made him feel insecure but I generally liked him and I was becoming extremely attracted too him the more i saw him. He knew I wanted too the last time but it didn't feel right. If someone can't handle the fact that I don't want to sleep with them by date 3 or 4 then good riddance. I also did tell him after the snapchat thing happened that I didn't not sleep with him because I didn't want to. I told him I did but just want to tread a little more carefully now.( I really liked him and didn't want to screw it up). He said he wasn't worried about that and he understood.(Whether he did or not) To be honest I shouldn't have felt the need to explain that to him. But I thought he probably was a little insecure about it. So yes.. I went after him as he is mature in some ways. But in this instance, he probably wasn't quite equipped enough to push past his insecurity. I didn't keep asking him out for nothing. He knew I was keen and told me he didn't feel the same way. In a way I wish I had slept with him. Then if I had he still may have ended it which would have hurt even more. Maybe down the track I will give it a go if he is up for it. Preferably when I don't have strong feelings. Edited August 9, 2016 by ashy555
HuskerHomer Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 Glad to see you're understanding more. This situation will likely never replay itself, but just a little more edification on my part, to help you through life. Ok now I understand what you are saying and where you are coming from. If that is the case. Then I am better off without someone who can't wait for sex. I'll have sex when I damn well feel like it. I probably would have slept with him the next time I saw him as I started to feel ready. I certainly wouldn't wait 20 dates either as that is a bit extreme. He knew I was treading more carefully as I didn't want to screw it up by sleeping with him to early. Look, he ran so like someone said. I weeded him out. I hate that it could have made him feel insecure but I generally liked him and I was becoming extremely attracted too him the more i saw him. He knew I wanted too the last time but it didn't feel right. If someone can't handle the fact that I don't want to sleep with them by date 3 or 4 then good riddance. In your mind, it had been three or four dates. In his mind, it had been 5 YEARS PLUS three or four dates. See the disconnect between the two of you, and how you each feel? If you had been ready to sleep with him, but that night didn't feel right, did you tell him that? Tell him that it just didn't feel right that night? Then immediately make plans for a nice dinner date in a few days, with the unspoken but extremely implied position that you would sleep with him afterwards? So both of you could be building up your expectations (and horniness) towards sleeping together that next time? Nice date, slinky dress, good perfume, hot sex afterwards. Is that so hard to plan out and execute? Then, after you've told him "no" on date 4, you're not waiting for a text or message: you both already know what is going to happen next, and when. I also did tell him after the snapchat thing happened that I didn't not sleep with him because I didn't want to. I told him I did but just want to tread a little more carefully now.( I really liked him and didn't want to screw it up). He said he wasn't worried about that and he understood.(Whether he did or not) First off, you should never have brought it up. Just recognize the guy wants to screw you. After 5 years of liking you, were you surprised by this? Were you surprised he had a conversation about it with someone else? Not to be mean, but it is clear that you really don't understand how guys think, or how they may talk to each other when girls are not around. Not saying all guys think or talk this way, but many/most do. In general, women and men do NOT think about sex in the same way (and, as with all generalizations, exceptions exist). Also, have you ever heard of the term "beta orbiter"? If not, you might look it up. As for his response when you did bring it up, what was he going to say? "Hey, girl, I don't care about how your prior relationship screw-ups have impacted you, just know that if we don't **** on the next date, I'm outta here." Of course he said he understood, whether he did or didn't. And in some way, he probably did understand, but that still doesn't prevent him from feeling the way he felt after your fourth date. Often very hard for logic to overrule emotions, even for guys. To be honest I shouldn't have felt the need to explain that to him. But I thought he probably was a little insecure about it. So yes.. I went after him as he is mature in some ways. But in this instance, he probably wasn't quite equipped enough to push past his insecurity. I didn't keep asking him out for nothing. Yes, and you can pretend to give a dog a doggie treat for three or four times in a row and then hide the treat instead, and sooner or later the dog will come to the conclusion that you're never going to give him the treat and quit trying to get it. Something about "cutting your losses" and "not being made a fool of again." He knew I was keen and told me he didn't feel the same way. He was just covering for what he really felt. Inferior. Mad. Sexually unattractive and way down on the list of guys you want to sleep with. Yes, I know you told him otherwise, but as guys are slowly learning, ignore what she says, and focus only on what she does. And what you did was keep putting him off. I am not saying that was not your right -- it certainly was -- just informing you of what he was thinking and feeling in reaction to what you did, and why that led him to do what he did. In a way I wish I had slept with him. Then if I had he still may have ended it which would have hurt even more. No risk, no reward. Even though he broke it off, how do you think he is feeling right now? He's probably hurting more than you, at least for a while. After waiting for you for 5 years, he is now feeling like the chump. Read more about beta orbiters, recognize he was one of yours, and now he is feeling like you just played him. What is most surprising here, is that he broke it off as quickly as he did. He actually showed some spine there. Maybe down the track I will give it a go if he is up for it. Preferably when I don't have strong feelings. If you don't have strong feelings for him -- sexually or otherwise -- why give it another go? Because hopes for romance spring eternal? Because you've watched too many Disney and rom/com movies? This is real life, and as you just found out, fairy tales rarely come to pass. So, before you go down that path, think about the possible outcomes. The question is, how is he feeling about you? Over time, he may get entirely over you and wonder why he ever even liked you. Or, over time, his feelings of rejection and insecurity may turn to bitterness and even hate -- a common human coping mechanism when feeling rejected. So, if the time comes you give it another go, would you intend to sleep with him right away? If so, no problems there, but do NOT expect it to flower into a romance. It might, but from his point of view, particularly if he is in the like her/hate her frame of mind, he may view it as "I'm glad I finally got to **** her, but that is all I want from her now." So, if it just for sex, don't expect more. If you are expecting more, do you intend to sleep with him only after dating for a period and if your feelings grow? In that situation, after date 3 or 4, he'll feel like you're just playing him all over again. He'll think to himself "how stupid can I be to fall for this again. I can't believe she's really that mean to lead me on again, but I guess she really is." Again, he'll ignore what you say, and look at what you do (or don't do). So, because you have a history with this guy, before you even consider seeing him again, think about what you want, what you intend to do, how he might view and feel in response to what you do, and how it might impact him (and not just you). Obviously, for a new guy, you don't have to do such analysis, but when you have a history with a guy, don't just start something up again without thinking about how things might go down. 1
LookAtThisPOst Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 I had to go back to the OP and saw how much she was on the fence or "meh" about dating him back in the day or even now. It was like she wasn't crazy about him in the first place, dated losers, then SHE asks him out. If you Google, "She dated jerks for years, and NOW she wants me?" Usually this happens when women get to a certain age...say their 30s or 40s even. They had grown weary of the jerks, but the guy they friend zoned for years, they figure... "Meh, why not...I'll give him a shot...see if I feel anything. *shrug* I go out with him to see if I can feel anything...you know try to FORCE it He doesn't do anything for me below the equator...so I'll wait forever until I'm 'feelin' it'." Even though he's been crushing on me forever. Typical "nice guy" scenario. Unfortunately, instead of being wise to your history...he's got no other women interested him at this moment, so he figures a wishy-washy relationship is better than no relationship. If it were me, I'd turn you down because of your history. I've done the same with women, too. One got upset with me asking me, "How come you never asked me out? I'm a great person!" I knew she was a booze-head at parties, she'd flirt with any dude around. She would always smell of Vodka when she'd try to hit on me. She'd complain of men she'd sleep with quickly would never call her again. Lucky for her, I guess...the last guy she DID sleep with stuck around. She does the, "I'll sleep with men until one decides to stay put."
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