blocker Posted August 3, 2016 Posted August 3, 2016 (edited) I have been dating my boyfriend for about a year now. I accepted a contract to work a short term job at which he is the manager for the program. Also on this program are 3 other managers who do not know we are dating, and for the protection of his position, they cannot know this. To top out of the awkwardness, he goes out for dinner with the other managers, while i head home after work. Prior to accepting the position, I knew that we could not make this common knowledge, however until our first shift I did not know how hurtful this would be and i am starting to feel incredibly insecure about my relationship, especially because its been three days since we’ve spent time together, spoken on the phone or even texted. I know nothing can be done about this situation, i can quit but that isn’t going to do anyone any good. Any suggestions as how I can help deal with this situation for both the benefit of my sanity and this relationship? Am I wrong for feeling this way? Edited August 3, 2016 by blocker tried to shorten it
Mr. Lucky Posted August 3, 2016 Posted August 3, 2016 I accepted a contract to work a short term job at which he is the manager for the program. How long is short-term? If we're talking weeks, I'd do what you can to tough it out. Anything that doesn't kill a relationship can make it stronger. 6 months or longer, might have to go to Plan B. Can you request a transfer or early release from the contract? Not sure what the timing and options are... Mr. Lucky
Miss Peach Posted August 3, 2016 Posted August 3, 2016 i am starting to feel incredibly insecure about my relationship, especially because its been three days since we’ve spent time together, spoken on the phone or even texted. I don't think you're wrong for feeling that way. Feelings are feelings and you can't necessarily control them. It's how you act on them which is important. This is the part that would bother me. He hasn't even texted you or tried to spend 5 minutes alone with you before/after work. I know not all guys out there who care need daily contact but most guys who are into a woman do reach out. It takes only 10-30 seconds to write a text. I know he might be busy but that isn't a lot of time. He could also ask you to change the name on the phone if he's worried about someone seeing it come through. Three days would maybe annoy me but wouldn't be a deal breaker. But if this is a pattern (and without a good reason) I would consider whether this guy would be able to give me enough to make the relationship worthwhile to me. 1
Author blocker Posted August 4, 2016 Author Posted August 4, 2016 How long is short-term? If we're talking weeks, I'd do what you can to tough it out. Anything that doesn't kill a relationship can make it stronger. 6 months or longer, might have to go to Plan B. Can you request a transfer or early release from the contract? Not sure what the timing and options are... Mr. Lucky So it is a three week long program, and we work various shifts. Sometimes together, sometimes not. To be honest, not working with him is easier. But i cannot transfer, nor would it be worth it. I will say he made the effort last night to quickly call me, he is incredabily stressed/ busy, and i went over to his place after work to see him for a quick 45 minutes -- which was refreshing. He texted me a lot more during the day as well, which was great. However, when working with him, I feel like it pushes me away from him.. to see him treat me as another female employee, and i get for the protection of his position he needs to keep it that way, but i literally just feel heart broken and i begin to shut down. I will add, that other programs he has run have began to interfere with how i feel stacked up against his job. Because it is a remote job, 50% of the time he is forced to take calls, check his emails, and or reply to texts from his staff needing quick replies when he is with me. Last weekend, our long weekend vacation was delayed by 3 hours, at which point he was so immersed in work, forgot to pack 50% of the things we needed on our trip. How to deal? I am seriously hurting, I DO understand that I cannot change the situation as this is his job... How can I make him understand how all these changes to protect himself hurt me without it coming across as if I am asking him to choose me over work.
Miss Peach Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 (edited) Is this the norm for his job? Or is this a temporary thing? From what you are posting it doesn't sound like it's enough for you. For a great guy I would be able to deal with it for a few weeks. If this is a long-term part of the deal of what it will look like to be with him long term. I would try to look ahead and see if it is enough for you. I can't tell from what you are posting if this is the norm for his job. If it's the norm and it's a long term job for him then I would think about ending it. I have some guys around me who are lovely people. But I would never date them because with their careers I wouldn't be able to get my needs met long term. I sort of understand how you feel. I have previously taken a contract in a situation where a family member was above me and no one could know we were related. I had a different last name so it wasn't really apparent. But I never excepted special treatment and always kept it professional in the office. Edited August 4, 2016 by Miss Peach
Author blocker Posted August 4, 2016 Author Posted August 4, 2016 How long is short-term? If we're talking weeks, I'd do what you can to tough it out. Anything that doesn't kill a relationship can make it stronger. 6 months or longer, might have to go to Plan B. Can you request a transfer or early release from the contract? Not sure what the timing and options are... Mr. Lucky Is this the norm for his job? Or is this a temporary thing? From what you are posting it doesn't sound like it's enough for you. For a great guy I would be able to deal with it for a few weeks. If this is a long-term part of the deal of what it will look like to be with him long term. I would try to look ahead and see if it is enough for you. I can't tell from what you are posting if this is the norm for his job. If it's the norm and it's a long term job for him then I would think about ending it. I have some guys around me who are lovely people. But I would never date them because with their careers I wouldn't be able to get my needs met long term. I sort of understand how you feel. I have previously taken a contract in a situation where a family member was above me and no one could know we were related. I had a different last name so it wasn't really apparent. But I never excepted special treatment and always kept it professional in the office. This is his job. He generally works Wednesday - Sunday, and i usually work a typical Monday - Friday job. We tend to hang out on the weekends, and the issue is, if i don't hang out with him while he is on call, our schedules do not line up perfectly. Therefore, those texts and emails have to be part of our time together, unless i come over after 8PM in the evening. I thought that by accepting a short term contract, it would allow us to "see" each other more.. but from what I am learning, we do "see" each other more, but not in the dating/romantic way. its in the public eye, him as my manager and me and another team member. Our conversations are now generally very work related. Really there are two issues here. A) the fact that I am working with him B) the job as is, takes away from us in the way that interruptions are to be expected...
spiderowl Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 (edited) Three days is too long not to have any sort of contact. He could text you or phone you even if he can't meet for some reason. Personally, I would not accept such a relationship as it would not be enough for me and it does not sound very respectful of him. I can quite understand him not wanting to reveal a relationship, especially if there are company rules against it - and given that he is a manager and could get into trouble for dating a subordinate - but not to maintain the relationship out of work is just not on. I'm not surprised you are uncomfortable with this situation. Edited August 4, 2016 by spiderowl
Mr. Lucky Posted August 5, 2016 Posted August 5, 2016 So it is a three week long program, and we work various shifts. Sometimes together, sometimes not. What happens after 3 weeks? Is there any relief or improvement in terms of your two schedules aligning more favorably? Your current situation doesn't seem sustainable ... Mr. Lucky
Author blocker Posted August 6, 2016 Author Posted August 6, 2016 What happens after 3 weeks? Is there any relief or improvement in terms of your two schedules aligning more favorably? Your current situation doesn't seem sustainable ... Mr. Lucky after three weeks he goes away on the road for over a week. I am not sure what to do...
Author blocker Posted August 9, 2016 Author Posted August 9, 2016 update: I spoke to him and things have improved as he is mostly off site doing managerial duties. However, I have been feeling a bit uneasy because he has been for lunch with just the other female manager on the company's cash (the other mangers are now gone). When the two of us are off work, I know he goes home, we hang out, and so i've had nothing to worry about other than feeling a bit rejected as i can't publicly express my affection towards him around the work site (taking separate cars, not hugging goodbye etc). However, coming up, my boyfriend and this female manager are going to a different city to run the same program for a week. I am not on this team (he did ask me several weeks ago if I wanted to be on this team -- thank goodness i said no for the drama it has caused, but i also would have felt more secure if i had agreed to physically be there). I am starting to worry a lot. Our relationship has been bumpy because of working together, and him leaving with this other manager is adding to my stress. I will be the first to admit that I am feeling very insecure. I know insecurity is not attractive, but i do not know how to handle it. I have expressed my concerns and he said he is willing to do whatever to make me more comfortable.... personally i don't know what could be done. any advice?
Mr. Lucky Posted August 10, 2016 Posted August 10, 2016 I have expressed my concerns and he said he is willing to do whatever to make me more comfortable.... personally i don't know what could be done. any advice? Sure - relax . Separation is a test for any relationship. I think you're too focused on this other manager, unless he was off to a monastery there'd be women there regardless. Unless he's given you some untrustworthy vibe, let him go, tell him to have a good time and make his return memorable ... Mr. Lucky
Author blocker Posted August 10, 2016 Author Posted August 10, 2016 Sure - relax . Separation is a test for any relationship. I think you're too focused on this other manager, unless he was off to a monastery there'd be women there regardless. Unless he's given you some untrustworthy vibe, let him go, tell him to have a good time and make his return memorable ... Mr. Lucky I wish it was that easy! He hasn't done anything untrustworthy to me, but has in his past (which he says he has learned from). I will try my best. Thanks for your input !
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