Miffy Posted June 30, 2005 Posted June 30, 2005 Ex is with someone and I am married so suppose we are both the OP. Tried no contact but missed him like mad, could not stop thinking about him. He emailed me and we met for coffee, before long we were kissing.... He told me he loves me, thinks about me all the time. I so wanted to meet him and have no feelings, to walk away with him fancying me and me feeling nothing. It didn't work and I just feel really low now.
Cwazydude Posted June 30, 2005 Posted June 30, 2005 WHOA! Okay, so you feel nothing for him, yet you... kissed him? Yet you miss him like mad but still feel nothing? I'm sorry, this is a little hard to grasp.... Its like one big oxymoron. Anyway, You have to ask yourself, who is more important. Your Ex that you miss like mad but feel nothing for... Or your husband. If you pick your husband, Actually do No-contact.
newbby Posted June 30, 2005 Posted June 30, 2005 she never said she felt nothing for him, she said she wanted to feel nothing for him!! if you want to walk away and feel nothing, then dont meet him until you feel nothing. on the other hand if you only want him to think you feel nothing, then meet him but dont kiss him. dont kick yourself for this, just start again. whats the problem with you then, would you like something serious with him? whats up with your marriage, if anything? what has he said about his current gf? he is unlikely to leave her for you if you are married.
Cwazydude Posted June 30, 2005 Posted June 30, 2005 OOoooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. "My Bad" I just woke up after a night of fun Anywho, Well the last part of my advice remains, Pick one, Go with it, See how it turns out. You know, Follow your heart and stuff. I know thats crappy (And very over used) advice, But still. Its your husband, The man you married, Or this guy that you've already broken up with and stuff.
Miffy Posted July 1, 2005 Posted July 1, 2005 Oh such a long story, met OM at work me and husband had problems, wanted to be with OM but got complicated, in the end all the sneaking around resulted in us breaking up. Guilty feelings, I have children. But I miss him like mad, wish I didn't but I do. Hoped I wouldn't. Girlfriend is one he has been with since me - but he says she's not me - but then he would say that I suppose. He was not with GF when we were together.
shygurl Posted July 1, 2005 Posted July 1, 2005 My most heartfelt condolences to your poor deceived husband and children.
Miffy Posted July 1, 2005 Posted July 1, 2005 thank you very much, don't you think I know that - I am only human, I just came on here for help not to get it rammed down my throat. Have you never done anything wrong?
Cwazydude Posted July 1, 2005 Posted July 1, 2005 Ouch, That was a little harsh. Anywho...... Well, I would like to meet one person on this forums that tell's you to ditch your family and run off with some other guy. Because even though your attracted to him, you have a family with your husband. And I'm sure he loves you and such. Perhaps that spark has gone out of your marriage and now your turning to other people. I'm not going to be rude about it, But it is wrong to indulge those feelings with that other man without telling your husband. He has a right to know what your planning. But It's your life, Your free to do what you want, But if you make the wrong choice your entire life and everything you've worked for will be screwed. And that other guy is a home-wrecker.
newbby Posted July 1, 2005 Posted July 1, 2005 other guy is only a homewrecker if thats what she wants actually. its her home to wreck if thats what she wants to do, not his. he is obviously in love with her. miffy, try and fast forward to 5 years time, how do you want your life to be at that time? if you are feeling bored then try and get some other interests outside of your marriage that dont include om. you are very lucky you have a nice husband and family, dont throw it all away for these feelings. maybe cwazy dude has a point that you should discuss this with your husband, perhaps bringing things out in the open will allow you both to work through this together. that is only however if you dont feel strong enough or clear enough to work through this alone.
Cwazydude Posted July 1, 2005 Posted July 1, 2005 Originally posted by Miffy Oh such a long story, met OM at work me and husband had problems, wanted to be with OM but got complicated, in the end all the sneaking around resulted in us breaking up. Guilty feelings, I have children. But I miss him like mad, wish I didn't but I do. Hoped I wouldn't. Girlfriend is one he has been with since me - but he says she's not me - but then he would say that I suppose. He was not with GF when we were together. For some reason these posts tend to confuse me. Is she saying that she was having problems with her husband and she cheated on him with this other man? And now she wants to do it again? Is that what I'm getting out of this?
shygurl Posted July 1, 2005 Posted July 1, 2005 Originally posted by Miffy thank you very much, don't you think I know that - I am only human, I just came on here for help not to get it rammed down my throat. Have you never done anything wrong? I didn't ram anything down your throat...I merely expressed how I genuinely felt and that's that I very much do feel badly for your husband and your family. No spouse deserves the inevitable pain of one day realizing their spouse has betrayed them - whether it was an emotional affair or a full blown physical affair. There's many posts on here, as of today, of poor husbands and wives who've come to learn they've been duped and betrayed and cheated on and lied to...........and my heart goes out to them because they were merely the innocent bystander, who had no say in whether or not their cheating spouse crossed the line and broke the marriage vows....but they're the ones who have no choice but to try and muster up the strength to deal with their devastation and deep, deep pain. Those who cheat are not innocent bystanders - the crossing of the line that they take part in is purely a choice they make and they already know it's wrong or they wouldn't be sneaking around to do it. Yes, we're human - we all make mistakes but that's no excuse for doing things you already know are very wrong - things that will devastate the people you're supposed to love the most in the world. Marriage vows are some of the most sacred promises you can make - you stood there at the front of the aisle, before your partner, God, your friends and family and you looked your spouse in the eye and promised to be true, to be faithful, to forsake all others - to chalk up selfish actions to "well I'm only human, we all mistakes" is an outright copout. A mistake is something you do but don't realize at the time that it's wrong/a mistake. Kissing some guy when you're married should be a no-brainer that it's wrong. That's way being just a "human mistake."
newbby Posted July 1, 2005 Posted July 1, 2005 what she is saying is that she is even more confused than you are cwazy dude why not ask her
newbby Posted July 1, 2005 Posted July 1, 2005 you stood there at the front of the aisle, before your partner, God, your friends and family and you looked your spouse in the eye and promised to be true, to be faithful, to forsake all others - not saying that noone will be hurt or that its nice for anyone involved, but, that was then. the biggest mistake people make is to expect that the way they feel today will always be the way they feel. that works both ways though and the way you feel miffy for this om may not be the same in a couple of years, and then you have lost your cosiness and security.
shygurl Posted July 1, 2005 Posted July 1, 2005 Originally posted by newbby not saying that noone will be hurt or that its nice for anyone involved, but, that was then. the biggest mistake people make is to expect that the way they feel today will always be the way they feel. that works both ways though and the way you feel miffy for this om may not be the same in a couple of years, and then you have lost your cosiness and security. First off, "noone" is not a word (it's "no one" - sorry, huge pet peeve of mine. What's this about "that was then"? Do marriage vows go out of style? Lose their seriousness as the years pass? It's fine if you're not happy in your marriage - nobody says it's going to be sunshine and roses every month, every year.........but if you're not happy in it and you don't feel your needs are being met, TELL YOUR SPOUSE ! Open a dialogue, suggest counselling, get the problems out there in the open...........make the effort. If after that nothing has improved and you're still not feeling good in the marriage, then for God's sake be a decent human being and file for divorce and move on with your life and kiss/hug/screw whoever you want to your heart's content.
Miffy Posted July 2, 2005 Posted July 2, 2005 Thank you all for your answers, even though some hurt a little, but then the no one ever likes to hear it do they! What I was trying to say is that there were problems in our marriage - I have been with husband 16 years - maybe we both stopped working at it plus the kids change the dynamics - don't misinterpret that I am blaming them, I am not, I chose to have them, just trying to be honest. Instead of sorting out the problems we both buried our heads in the sand, pretended everything was ok. Then someone new started at my work, my head got turned and before long I was having an affair. But I fell in love with a dream, not the reality - my husband could never live up to being compared to someone you just meet for short exciting periods, nor would by OM be the same as my imagination if I lived with him full time. It's a fantasy and I know that, but I was on here to try and ask for help because I can't get OM out of my head. I thought I was over him and that's why I met him - to try and bury him, but found myself still as attracted as ever, hence we ended up kissing. My head is so messed up I just came on to read others opinions and get clarity. Shygurl, your first post upset me because it was very cutting and whilst I understand what you were saying, it wasn't anything I had not punished myself for already. That's why I answered the way I did.
newbby Posted July 2, 2005 Posted July 2, 2005 miffy, perhaps it is a good thing that this happened, it has bought your attention to the fact that you and your husband havent tried to work on your marriage. no relationship can survive if its not being kept alive by both parties. put your energy into trying to work things out with your h, try and bring some romance and excitement into that, plan some surprises, it'll be fun and it will take your mind off om. if after a period of time really really working on it and not seeing om, things are still not good then you can rethink the situation properly. you said yourself that you thought you were over om until you saw him, so the solution is really not to see him at all. but you really have to work on your marriage otherwise it'll be another om at some point even if its not the same one.
reservoirdog1 Posted July 4, 2005 Posted July 4, 2005 Miffy, I think one thing that's been overlooked here is that you cheated on your now-ex husband with your OM -- and now you're basically cheating on your OM (with your ex husband). You may well have unresolved issues with and feelings for your ex husband. But another fact is this: you seem to have great difficulty setting "acceptable behaviour" boundaries and sticking to them. One of the things your ex-husband may be thinking -- I know I'd be thinking this right now if I were him -- is, "wow, I've just proven to myself that she's still a cheater. After all, she's just cheated with me." (Cheating can be defined as any physical contact with another person that you'd rather your partner didn't know about.) I'm not saying this to be harsh. But maybe your first step should be to get yourself into counselling, and figure out why you continue to cheat, even on the person you destroyed your first marriage for.
Miffy Posted July 4, 2005 Posted July 4, 2005 reservoir dog, Maybe I have not been clear but you have misread one of my posts, I am still with my husband, I am not with the other man. I stayed with my husband and started NC with OM. But I broke it this week when we met up and we ended up kissing. I am not a serial cheater in that I cheat in every relationship I am in, this is the first time I have ever cheated and is why I am so confused. I love my husband but I am amazingly attracted to this other man. The OM has emailed me to say wow, how he misses me sooo much, can't stop thinking about me, please reply soon. I haven't replied and not sure what to do.
VirginiaBob Posted July 4, 2005 Posted July 4, 2005 "What I was trying to say is that there were problems in our marriage - I have been with husband 16 years - maybe we both stopped working at it plus the kids change the dynamics" and you didn't know this years ago when you married him. Of course your marriage is going to have problems - they all do. and you didn't know in advance kids were going to change things? Of course you did. None of this gives you an excuse to be an Adultress.
newbby Posted July 4, 2005 Posted July 4, 2005 you already said it miffy honey, you love your husband, you are only attracted to this om. its natural to be attracted to others. what do you really hope for in the long run? do you feel this attraction is worth breaking your marriage up for? keep away from the om, let him get on with his life, you get on with yours. if you dont see him the attraction will fade over time.
Miffy Posted July 4, 2005 Posted July 4, 2005 Bob - there weren't any problems when I married him, I have been with him since I was 17 and no I did not realise kids would change us as much as they did. It's easy to say 'of course all marriages have problems' but I can only speak about mine. Newbby - you are right, it's so easy to get caught in a moment that you don't stop to think of the long term consequences.
VirginiaBob Posted July 4, 2005 Posted July 4, 2005 "I have been with him since I was 17 and no I did not realise kids would change us as much as they did." talk about naive. of course kids are going to absolutly change everything about you, your husband, and your life as you knew it. "It's easy to say 'of course all marriages have problems' but I can only speak about mine." No, you can only use your's as an excuse to justify being and adultress.
Miffy Posted July 4, 2005 Posted July 4, 2005 Are you going to give me some constructive discussion Bob or are you just on here to give me a hard time? I don't need it frankly. Thanks to those who understood but this forum has turned from a helpful place to be into something I don't want to be part of anymore.
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