cursedanddoomed Posted August 2, 2016 Posted August 2, 2016 Hi, I'm new to this forum specifically because I needed advice on this issue. I feel like I'm going crazy. My boyfriend of 8 months moved to my state from Colorado about a year ago. He is sweet and caring but I have one major issue.... He is 6 years older than me and has slept with a lot of people. One of these people is now engaged to his sister..... you read that right. His sister is a lesbian. This chick says she is bi and slept with my boyfriend several times a couple of years back. I have met her once. She is slutty, dumb, and touchey-feely. My boyfriend is (I believe to be) trustworthy but I every time I think about this situation I feel sick. I don't think he would cheat on me but I feel like in 50 years this situation will still make me uncomfortable. I don't like to think that every holiday for the rest of my life will be tainted by having his ex-eff-buddy there at the house. His sister is really into softball and they plan to attend a game out of state soon. It will be him, his sister, and the chick he used to sleep with in one hotel room. This seems wildly inappropriate to me. I have tried to talk to friends and family about this and they laugh... until I ask if they'd be ok hanging around with someone their partner has had sex with. Then they always get quiet because the answer is no. Like I said, this really isn't a trust thing with my boyfriend but more of a "this is disrespectful to me to want to spend time with this person" thing. I don't want to make friends with her. I don't want her in our lives. I know I seem petty but... why is this even a situation???? I know that if I asked him to go to dinner with a man I used to sleep with her would immediately freak out. Why is this any different? In 10 years if they get drunk and sleep together at the family Christmas party .. I am going to kick myself for it being an obvious problem at the beginning. Should I just dump him and find a better situation? I love him and he's great but I feel like this is bad for my mental health. I stress about it on a daily basis. Colorado is my favorite state and it's ruining it for me knowing she is there. Am I crazy? Help me out here.
sugarpuss Posted August 2, 2016 Posted August 2, 2016 It's a little weird yes but the girl is engaged to his sister. Regardless of what happened in the past, she's with her now. You have to remind yourself that if the girl and your BF slept together, he'd be disappointing not only you, but his sister (and entire family probably). So the stakes are pretty high for him. I agree that the one-hotel room situation seems kinda sketch, but it's a money savings. And you know nothing is going to happen there: he's not going to have sex with his sister's GF right there with her present. Question: any reason you weren't invited to the softball game? Question 2: have you talked to your BF about this?
BikerAccnt Posted August 2, 2016 Posted August 2, 2016 First off, I understand completely what you are saying. The only problem I see here is that by asking him to keep her out of your lives, you are really also asking him to keep his sister out of your lives. Hopefully at best, you'd only need to see them at family gatherings and holiday's. I know it sucks that his ex is now engaged to his sister, but, there's nothing you nor he can do about it. If he loves his sister, and has always been on friendly terms with her, I doubt he's going to quit seeing his sister over this issue. If his ex was just that, and not involved with anyone in the family, he's probably not be seeing her at all, and neither would you. So you need to make a decision, and it sounds as if you know where you need to go. You mental health is important, and if you can't see yourself getting past this (and it would be a tough one to get past) then you need to do what is best for you.
Author cursedanddoomed Posted August 2, 2016 Author Posted August 2, 2016 She's engaged to her sister but she is young and I get the feeling she'd try in a heartbeat to sleep with him if given the opportunity. I have tried to talk to him about it but he immediately communicates all info to his sister- who told him I was insecure and he should dump me. The whole situation is terrible. We really have no other arguments in the relationship other than this. I was "invited" to the softball game on a week they knew I couldn't get off. So, yes and no.
PegNosePete Posted August 2, 2016 Posted August 2, 2016 She's engaged to her sister but she is young and I get the feeling she'd try in a heartbeat to sleep with him if given the opportunity. Well, that means he would have to give her the opportunity. But you said you trust him. Which is it? Do you trust him, or do you think they might sleep together? You can't have it both ways, they are mutually exclusive. I have tried to talk to him about it but he immediately communicates all info to his sister- who told him I was insecure and he should dump me. That's pretty rude and disrespectful. Of him to relay every detail to her, and of her to say that. To be honest it sounds like you're not comfortable getting into this situation. He's not going to break contact with his sister, so his ex will always be there. If you can't handle it then it's probably best to dump him and move on. 2
Author cursedanddoomed Posted August 2, 2016 Author Posted August 2, 2016 Thanks for your replies. It does seem disrespectful of him to tell his sister every little detail and he has done it repeatedly. I don't know what to do in this situation. I love him but I think it might be best for me to just end it.
preraph Posted August 2, 2016 Posted August 2, 2016 Look, as another wise poster said, the stakes are high for him. To sleep with her, first he'd have to be ready to be disowned by his sister. Plus his sister could probably beat him up if she wanted to. The sister and that lady will probably not be together for life. I see it this way: If the sister gets any whiff of interest between the two of them, she's going to pitch the girlfriend out onto her butt rather than tear up the family. So either the girlfriend is going to behave herself or she will be ousted anyway. No reason to think they're going to be together forever. You can either trust your man or not, though.
Redhead14 Posted August 2, 2016 Posted August 2, 2016 (edited) I agree, it's pretty unlikely he will sleep with her. Yes, they "could" get drunk one night in the future and make a "mistake", but there's no way to know if that will happen on not. You just need to ride on your trust and, if it ever does happen, deal with it then. You can't live your life in the "What Ifs". If he is otherwise, intelligent and trustworthy, let it be. If he has been in the habit of getting drunk and sleeping with women indiscriminately and you are aware of that, that's another story. How did you two meet? How did the relationship evolve, just out of curiosity. And, the other thing to remember is, that if someone wants to cheat on you, you couldn't build a fence high enough to prevent it so don't bother. Let the chips fall where they may. Edited August 2, 2016 by Redhead14
phineas Posted August 2, 2016 Posted August 2, 2016 Does his sister know he can't satisfy his ex like she can?
jellybean824 Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 This is definitely an awkward situation! Unfortunately many people bring baggage into relationships, and part of that may be previous sexual partners. I see it as a good sign that he was honest with you about those partners, even one that is now (for the time being) a part of his family. Yes, it would be wise to avoid situations and temptations that could result in a serious lapse of judgment, both on his part and his ex. Sharing a hotel room kind of seems like a recipe for disaster. However, you did say that you trust him. I know it can be hard to talk to him about this, when in the past he has told his sister all the details. Maybe a discussion with him about boundaries is warranted. Every relationship has (and needs) boundaries. If you can each respect each others' boundaries, fewer conflicts will arise. However, if either one of you cannot (or will not) respect the others' boundaries, then it's probably time to consider the wisdom of continuing this relationship.
jazzyhands89 Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 I disagree with the other people answering I would end it I don't think it means you have trust issues but this is an icky situation. And actually when I read the part about how he tells his sister everything I would end it just for that and nothing else. You need someone who will be more private and respectful and won't blast your business to everyone
Gaeta Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 Yes you should leave him and let him find a mature woman that has trust in him. Just the way you call her name only because she is an ex is indicative of how juvenile you still are. The world is full of people married with ex's siblings or ex working together on daily basis and the level of maturity of everyone involved makes it a possible even positive experience. I know it first hand as l have been working for 13 years with my ex's wife and she has become someone l truly appreciate and respect.
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted August 5, 2016 Posted August 5, 2016 Perhaps it is you that needs to move on. It seems that ( although I would find it a bit weird too) If you have a problem with it, maybe this guy isn't quite the right guy for you. Clearly it's all in the past, but if it is a problem for you than I would try and find someone that is more suited to you and the things you want out of a relationship. Maybe ex's engaged to sisters- isn't quite it?
h0000 Posted August 5, 2016 Posted August 5, 2016 [quote=Gaeta;7003490 The world is full of people married with ex's siblings . No way. People don't even get together with ex's friends, and since when it's common to marry your ex's siblings? It is so weird. I'm surprised his sister doesn't have a problem with it. I wouldn't wanna date my sisters BF !
Gaeta Posted August 5, 2016 Posted August 5, 2016 No way. People don't even get together with ex's friends, and since when it's common to marry your ex's siblings? It is so weird. I'm surprised his sister doesn't have a problem with it. I wouldn't wanna date my sisters BF ! That's your limit it doesn't mean it's bad. Different people have different boundaries and level of acceptance. I have never felt threaten by an ex.
Toodaloo Posted August 5, 2016 Posted August 5, 2016 Thanks for your replies. It does seem disrespectful of him to tell his sister every little detail and he has done it repeatedly. I don't know what to do in this situation. I love him but I think it might be best for me to just end it. So do I. As one who ended up with more on her plate than she expected sometimes it better to eat a light lunch... Way too much potential for drama here. "Hiya, sorry but I don't see this working out and I want to end this relationship" should suffice. Do not get into lengthy discussions. Just tell him that you are not feeling a connection or spark or what ever it is people call it these days.
enddeck Posted August 5, 2016 Posted August 5, 2016 I'm going to go the other way in this discussion.I think your boyfriend,his ex and his sister will probably have a three way when they get to the hotel room.Frankly he seems more like a girl than anyone else involved. Telling sis your personal business. Sharing a hotel room with his sis and her fiancée. It would not surprise me if it turns out he is adopted.This is a ludicrous situation and you need to run,not walk away from this.You will never be able to trust this guy so leave before you get too attached to him.
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