PaintsandFlowers Posted August 2, 2016 Posted August 2, 2016 (edited) Hi all, I have a bit of a dilemma that I would appreciate some help with. Details: About a year ago, my first love broke up with me so that she could work on her mental health and learn to take care of herself. I was heartbroken but we both have been NC since that day. My current girlfriend and I have been dating for almost 4 months, and I'm seeing major red flags and need help on what to do next. I'm 25, my gf is 21 (we are both women). Lately she has been extremely critical, jealous, and controlling. I have no friends here that are not theirs and when I do make a friend, she thinks they like me and then doesn't want me hanging out with them alone, and even bringing it up makes her irritated. In arguments she has called me insecure and manipulative. I have been in therapy and various TX for over 4 years and the things that I was worried about her doin, I think I have a right to be concerned. For instance, her gushing over a guy she said she was attracted to and literally acted like I wasn't in the room prompted her to say i was jealous and insecure, or getting a free soft drink BC I was nice to the lady who had obviously had a rough day, which she said I was manipulative. Our first kiss was also the same night we had sex and I feel like she always pressures me for sex. We have talked about all these issues but when I bring them up she makes me feel like I am not being understanding and accusing me of being rude BC she would never do anything like that. I love her, and on paper and in person she is everything I want but I feel like I need to break up with her, but we are living together and I am from out of state. Thoughts and advice are welcome, thank you. Edited August 2, 2016 by PaintsandFlowers Grammar
aloneinaz Posted August 2, 2016 Posted August 2, 2016 You're having this magnitude of fighting and arguing at only 4 months? Run. Run fast away from this R/S. It will only get worse as time passes. In most cases, people are still on their best behavior through the "honeymoon" phase of dating which lasts typically 6 months. You have to know this won't work out so why drag it out.
Author PaintsandFlowers Posted August 4, 2016 Author Posted August 4, 2016 I thought that too. We have both been going through a lot of issues (mental health, financial, housing). I was thinking that having my own space would definitely help me. I feel like she is definitely too fragile of a mental state currently and I am honestly just realizing how codependent I have been. I was thinking of waiting it out while she is therapy would be fair in case she improves
Author PaintsandFlowers Posted August 18, 2016 Author Posted August 18, 2016 (edited) Since my last post, my partner and I have talked about how controlling/jealous/insensitive they have been . We both expressed how we wanted this to work, and at the end agreed to try harder. The next day she promised to get my some items (concert tickets, books, etc) and said that she was really sorry and wants to be a better person. Currently, although I see my partner trying (apologizing when they are overly angry or judgemental), I still see things that bother me. For instance, my partner woke up earlier than I did and had picked something for breakfast. I decided that I wanted something different BC I wasn't in the mood for that, thanked them for thinking of me and started to fix my breakfast. My partner was irritated immediately saying that they didn't like where I put the fruit and how it was an inconvenience and kind of gave me the silent treatment. Another time recently, someone was made a comment like that I agree were inappropriate, so I brought it up. My partner immediately wrote a response (which I was thankful for). Then, they liked 30 posts on my page which I thought was excessive and extremely jealous, especially since this guy lives miles away, I have no contact with him at all,knew him from work. I'm not too big on social media for these reasons and because my partner had mentioned that me telling her stories about my friends are irrelevant since they are so far away. We are planning to move to another apartment and right now I don't have the money saved up to move. I love her and I don't know if prolonging the breakup until we are both more stable (she didn't have a place to stay and started staying with me as a roommate, even though she was already being jealous of who I hung out with) is a good idea? I'm torn.I know what I need to do, I love her and don't want to hurt her, because I can see she loves me. What if her attitude is all because of the financial/mental health difficulties, and further into therapy our issues dissolve? Edited August 18, 2016 by PaintsandFlowers Add info
preraph Posted August 19, 2016 Posted August 19, 2016 She has mental issues. She wants what she wants and she doesn't want you to have friends, and that's abusive. Yet she can spew over some hot dude in front of you. Just walk away and make it a clean break. This is a trap you do not want to be in. Jeez, what if she got pregnant and you'd be stuck with her for life?
Redhead14 Posted August 19, 2016 Posted August 19, 2016 I thought that too. We have both been going through a lot of issues (mental health, financial, housing). I was thinking that having my own space would definitely help me. I feel like she is definitely too fragile of a mental state currently and I am honestly just realizing how codependent I have been. I was thinking of waiting it out while she is therapy would be fair in case she improves Bad history repeats itself in relationships because on some level we were comfortable with that situation . . . when that has been addressed, you will be able to move on and be able to recognize a partner that is about your future, not the past . . . 1
spiderowl Posted August 20, 2016 Posted August 20, 2016 You feel like you need to break up with her. You find her critical and controlling. You also seem to feel she is misinterpreting your motives and imposing her own interpretation on you. She pressures you to have sex. Why are you staying? I think you need to find a way out, even if it is difficult to see how at the moment.
Author PaintsandFlowers Posted August 20, 2016 Author Posted August 20, 2016 Thanks everyone for their input so far. As much as it's going to hurt me, after meditating/talking to friends/reflecting on what you all have said, I am going to break up. Currently we work at the same job, live together, and due to overspending early in the relationship my savings are gone. Any ideas on how to save without her being suspicious? Also, she mentioned that without me and her brother she would probably kill herself, another MAJOR issue for me as someone who recently has been treated for depression, and someone who is in love with this girl.
abacaxi Posted August 20, 2016 Posted August 20, 2016 From what I've gathered, seems like the person is a manic type of lover. Have you considered getting her to break up with you?
Author PaintsandFlowers Posted August 20, 2016 Author Posted August 20, 2016 No, only because I didn't want to be sneaky I guess? I would think that that is a tad dishonest, but I'm obviously in this situation so I need a little help with these things.How would you suggest?
abacaxi Posted August 23, 2016 Posted August 23, 2016 (edited) Yes this path would appear a tad dishonest if the other person were to become aware of your perspective during the course of the "break-up". But you must ask your self what it is you truly want and trust in your self because at the end of day you are making this decision for your well being. And if your well being requires that you two are to separate for some time or forever; the separation must happen. How it happens depends entirely on how you two communicate with each other. We can never truly control how the other person will choose to receive, interpret, and react to the situation, however, we could control how we act in the situation. From what you've said about her, it seems that you are worried she may hurt herself or react in a way that will endanger her life if you were to make her think you are breaking up with her. If she is the type of person you describe her to be in anyway, you will not be able to avoid the difficult situation you fear. The break up will be ugly, but we learn from it. On the other hand, if your true desire is to prevent her from feeling heartbroken that her lover is breaking up with her, one way would be for her to believe she is the one breaking up with you. In this situation, you will avoid her feeling hurt because she thinks she is the one doing the hurting. Therefore, you must ask your self what you really want and chalk it up to experience. The ideal situation is for two people to openly discuss their desires in the most comfortable way, however it takes two people mutually invested into developing this type of communication in their relationship. You are in a tough situation being that you two live together. If you do decide to break up. One of you would have to separate physically from each other, i.e move out of the apartment. The less dragged out the uncomfortable break up, the quicker they will heal and possibly salvage any sort of friendship there is, if any. Edited August 23, 2016 by abacaxi
Author PaintsandFlowers Posted August 26, 2016 Author Posted August 26, 2016 (edited) Thank you so much. After reading your response and thinking about it, I talked to my girlfriend (well tried to). After two failed talks during the week due to her getting extremely irritated, last night we had a long talk. I told her everything that I felt honestly and the cinvo went from I am feeling disrespected and I don't deserve this to I don't want her to kill herself and im all she has left. The plan was that we will reevaluate once we move in next week after my lease is over. I love her so much but I need to leave. We are moving near a friend of mine and I was thinking of having her help me leave? Butthe job that I need to make money, she works there and her cousin is the manager. I want to stay here for 6 months to continue good psych care, as well as see my friends in this state graduate. Edited August 26, 2016 by PaintsandFlowers more info, grammar
Recommended Posts