Dork Vader Posted August 2, 2016 Posted August 2, 2016 (edited) Long story short the feelings are mutual and I could easily start a relationship with her if I wanted. She knows my worst sides and best sides. She's seen me date so she knows how to deal with all aspects of me. There are some problems.. I am OCD, She is cute, but she has some physical things that really bother me. I think I can get beyond them but I'm not 100% sure. That aside... She has some serious abandonment issues. She can not be "alone" and runs from one guy to the next. She is just getting a divorce and I would not date her because of the pending divorce. By the time they were formally separated I was in a relationship with someone else. While I was in that relationship she slept with 2 men (in less then a month). Things really got out of control when I became single again and she found tinder. I had to voice my concerns with her about her behavior and what she was doing with men. She's finally admitting that she needs to deal with the abandonment issues before she tries to date again. I need to work on some of my OCD issues as well. My feelings for her are slowly growing through our friendship though. The last 2 months were extremely hard on me. Had to put my dog down, friend got murdered, mom got diagnosed with cancer, ex girl friend dumped me, cousin got diagnosed with cancer and a few other things.. My best friend has been there for me through it all. Just hanging out with her has been enough to make me happy and smile.. Not sure what I'm asking.. I just don't know what to do, on one hand I could be completely emotionally happy with this woman... On the other, I'm unsure if I can be physically attracted to her enough.. But the biggest issue for me is that I think we both need to deal with our mental issues before trying to date. Edited August 2, 2016 by Dork Vader
preraph Posted August 2, 2016 Posted August 2, 2016 I think you are right that you both have work to do first. Also, I'm so sorry all you've gone through recently. You must give yourself time to heal, at least a few weeks for the dust to settle. Your emotions are high right now and you're vulnerable. So wait until you're stabilized and you'll be better able to plan the next step. If she has the means to get psychological help, suggest you both go get started with that and work on that for a few months or a year or whatever. Abandonment issues are very serious because the brain usually formed around them if they happened young. They are hard-wired and hard to eradicate. I have a close friend who thinks she dealt with them, but all her choices with her husband and her father reflect her desperation to a degree, as well as her approach to parenting, fear of her kids being mad at her for being a parent. So it's no small thing. But having someone you love who is loyal can help you live with it. Likewise, your OCD is a challenge, though treatment can often work out quite nicely. As for whether you can be attracted to her, well, you've not yet seen her naked, I suppose, but a wide variety of women look sexy naked, whether they're your type or not, so I wouldn't rule it out since you care about her. But why not talk to her and suggest you both get into therapy. Tell her you care about her and she's made you want to be a better man and that you wish she'd get into therapy along with you and then find a good therapist. It would be great if it was the same therapist, but each has to be comfortable with the communication so it's an individual thing. And the therapy would be separate at least at first. So do some research and see what you can come up with and get started on your goal here. Then maybe a few months or a year down the line, you'll have more clarity. Good luck
Author Dork Vader Posted August 2, 2016 Author Posted August 2, 2016 Both of you make some solid points. I suppose what I left out is that I'm extremely attracted to her on an emotional level. We get along great, we talk openly about our flaws abandonment, ocd what ever it is. It's those things that make me strongly attracted to her. We both receive psychological care. I am medicated for the OCD, she is sees a psychologist. We both have a lot of baggage. She has 2 kids, a divorce and the other issues I mentioned. We are both alcoholics. I'm OCD, I have herpes and HPV, I'm an alcoholic in recovery and I'm an extremely heavy smoker.
preraph Posted August 2, 2016 Posted August 2, 2016 Is she in recovery for alcohol also? If she's still drinking, I can't recommend you try to be with her because your sobriety is too important. The other things, you'll have to let her know about, of course. She can be vaccinated for HPV, unless I am getting my wires crossed. They usually do it to younger people, but I think they can. Smoking, if she doesn't, you'd have to dedicate yourself to a lot of tooth brushing and tongue brushing and breath mints or get stabilized in your sobriety and then try stopping. It would be easier to stop smoking probably when you're not drinking. It was for me. I'm glad you're both already dealing with your issues. Shows you both have similar goals in that regard and a willingness to work on issues. Once your crises have passed where your mind isn't so much on current events, and things settle down, why not ask her on a real date. Say something like it's meant so much to have your support these last few weeks. I want to take you out on a date and do nothing but have fun. Good luck.
Author Dork Vader Posted August 2, 2016 Author Posted August 2, 2016 She knows about all of it. She has 5 years sober I have almost 2 years sober. It's just an odd place to be in, when I'm with her I do have thoughts of "i fould happy if this was my life"... I know there is no going back, if we do try and date. She has tried to make moves on me a few times but I've shut her down. Before I'll let that happen I must be certain I can be happy and a good SO to her. 1
preraph Posted August 2, 2016 Posted August 2, 2016 Well, best way to do that is continue to spend time together. Do not confess to her if you don't find her uber attractive. It's too hurtful. It's hard to come back from. Don't say that just to unburden yourself. You can ask her if she wants to try to really date. You may find she's not willing to risk it. You can tell her you know it's a risk and that you can't say whether it will work out but that you think you'd regret if you never at least tried and then see if she's willing to take that risk.
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