I want my cake and to eat it too

[b.m]

I have been married for 1 year, before getting married we were together for 5 years. The past couple years I have been having feelings for an ex, who I dated over 10 years ago (teenagers). We lost contact for a while and got back in contact 3 years ago. The feelings started off small and easily ignored. We only chatted here and there (months apart) online. My wife and I moved to the same city my ex lives and it led to me meeting for coffee with my ex.

 

Disclaimer: I know people say, don't friend your exes. For me it has always been fine, except for now. I've dated a lot of women and with the exception of one, I've gone back to being friendly with them. I don't see them ever really, but we are fine chatting. My wife has never really liked it, because she is the opposite and burns all bridges with ex's. She's gotten over it over the years.

 

We met just to catch up, I had no ill intentions. My wife was aware that I was meeting my ex, and she wasn't happy about it. My ex and I were talking and realized we work in the same field. She was able to get me a job at her company, and the salary was almost 3x the amount. Again, my wife wasn't happy about it the job was the best I'd get and a huge salary increase that we needed.

 

After I started working with my ex feelings really started to come out. At first I thought it was just old feelings reemerging and they'd fade. We have not had sex (since we got back in touch) but we have kissed, touched and given each other oral sex. She was so much better than my wife at just that. I forgot how much I enjoyed my sex life before my wife. We have sex often, she's just not good at it. If I'm honest with myself the only reason we didn't have sex was because of an issue with myself.

 

I'm at a crossroads. I don't want to leave the comfort, security and familiarity of my marriage. We have 2 kids together, almost 4 and newborn. We wouldn't be together if we didn't have kids. I don't want to keep hurting my wife. At this point she is not aware that I've cheated. I'm sure she has her own suspisions but no proof.

 

This ex of mine is single. She did have a long term boyfriend but once we got talking they coincidentally broke up. She has said she misses me and wonders what would have happened if we had worked out. I don't even remember why we broke up, we were teenagers. I have a lot more in common with her than I do with my wife, I have next to nothing in common with my wife. My ex and I have the same careers, same schooling, same goals, same passions, musicains.

 

I have lied to my wife about some things. For example, I had a cute video of our two kids together. I asked my wife if I could send it to a couple friends, when she said yes I did, but I also sent it to my ex and didn't tell her. I have told her my ex isn't on shift when I know she is. Obviously I haven't told her about the cheating so that is a lie too. Before the feelings came out strong, I told my wife everything, didn't feel the need to hide the small details.

 

My wife is the super nice/doormat/mothering type woman. There is no excitement in the relationship. She also doesn't put effort into her appearance, and motherhood is not to blame she has always been like this. She never dresses up, never does her makeup, never does her hair. Just once and a while it would be nice. I have told her this, nothing comes from it.

 

I don't know what to do at this point. I guess I want my cake and to eat it too.

[lolablue17]

WOW!

 

You are going to get some preaching and lectures here :)

 

Well, you can't have it both not only because of moral, but because you are going to hurt you ex as well. She doesn't say it loudly, but she expects you to leave you wife. She's falling for you now, and she's definitely going to get hurt.

 

It could be a thrill for you for sometime, but you're gonna get hurt in time, as well. You will eat the cake, have it, and have a stomach ache. If it was after 20-30 years of marriage, my advice could be different. But in your situation, I think you better choose and the sooner the better.

[Poutrew]

Well, it's a real good thing that you make 3 times the money than you did before. You may have a little bit left over after paying lifetime alimony to your boring, plane jane wife and child support payments for your kids to buy yourself a Happy Meal for yourself and your girlfriend at the end of the month...hey here's a thought. Since the girlfriend was responsible for getting you all that extra money in the first place, maybe she will also spot you a thousand or so a week so you can at least have a nice apartment and a change of underware once in a while?

[elaine567]

The ex is not going to want to be your dirty little secret for much longer, she was in your life legitimately as a gf, she will not want to accept the role of OW.

Your ex is going to demand at some point that you make a decision.

She has set you up with a job, she didn't do that so that she could just be your OW. She will want a whole lot more.

 

When it becomes more physical, make sure you always wear a condom, else you are in serious danger of adding to your brood and then where will you be?

[standtall]

A couple things.

 

Oral sex is cheating and sex .

 

You should divorce your wife.

 

You should move his to the infidelity forum.

[elaine567]

A couple things.

 

Oral sex is cheating and sex .

 

You should divorce your wife.

 

 

Agreed.

 

OP.

You have nothing nice to say about your wife apart from the fact she makes a great nanny for your children and a "mother" to you... She is not your wife and lover, she is a housekeeper.

She can do all that as a co-parent and she may then find someone who actually wants to be with her too, not some guy who is cheating with his ex..

Best to get out now before years of resentment and anger take their toll on you, your wife and the kids.

 

It may or not work out with your ex, but at least you will be free to pursue other options.

 

If you divorce now, then it may avoid the mess that a dday will bring and avoid your kids finding out their Dad cheated on their Mom.

[Bufo]

Or, is it possible that you are her tool for an exit affair? I mention this as you mentioned the coincidence of her leaving her long term bf about the time you popped onto her radar screen. If so be prepared to be dumped sooner than later--as soon as a better prospect shows up.

 

If I were you I'd see a lawyer to learn what your financial life will be post divorce. Your current situation causes to odds of divorce to rise to the level of real possibility. Independent of whether the A continues or not.

[Robert]

Thread starter posted and never came back...

 

Seems like a drive by, thanks all for your participation