Should i call it off ?

[crispywat]

I have had an issue this weekend and cannot get my head around things.

 

Firstly i got engaged 2 weeks ago, great life is / was great.

 

Saturday my lady was due to go out with her friends (all females) for a birthday, that went then they went onto a nightclub however one of the girls arranged to meet her male friends there. They joined and it ended with just my lady and her mate with the 5 lads.

The nightclub closed and then she went back to one of the lads houses to carry on the party!!! This is so out of charachter and i didnt know she would be out so long, was worried sick with no communication from her.

She went i am told as caught up in the moment and cant understand why she would go to a totally random blokes house who she didnt know with 4 other lads and her mate.

Then of course the obvious happened......one of the lads when she went upstairs followed her and tried to kiss her. She apparently pushed away and said no and he tried again, then again she said no.

she then got a taxi and returned to me at 4.45am!!!

I am worried something more happened , she didnt appear bothered when getting home but did tell me what occured.

I feel so numb, mainly as she got herself into this position going to the house. Should i call things off ? Alot of things to me do not add up. She begs for me to not call off things

[Larryville]

I’m stealing PNP’s response to you previous sounding like same chick unless I’m missing something…

 

Sirens blaring WOOP WOOP.....

When a woman asks for space it is never a good thing.

 

She is starting to sever the relationship ties. She's either on the way out or has already planned her exit strategy.

 

Oh and then I read your second paragraph about a male friend who she is texting inappropriately WOOP WOOP sirens blaring in stereo now.

 

My initial guy reaction some serious “Inferiority complex” issues going on not just in this thread but others.

 

Yes, call this off and get some professional help so you two don’t waste your time and money and mental well being. You have some deeper issues going on and you must deal with that first before marrying anyone, hell even dating anyone.

Edited August 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
linked quoted text to appropriate quote from old thread ~6

[crispywat]

this is not the same lady, i have been with her for 2 years and had no issues at all until the posted one today which i think is a genuine concern for me , would you not agree

[Larryville]

Ok not same woman, but the thing is I’ve oft said, when folks posts here there is a LOT more going on than the issue being posted about.

 

Having said that to answer your question, absolutely call it off, OR you are going to need to post what this is really all about.

 

Kinda like when couples fight, the fight is never about that particular moment, usually about something that went on LONG before.

 

Also with your issue no matter if you seemingly resolve doubt and questions will always be in the back of your mind, YOU will never get past it.

[Roseygem]

I think the fact she told you is a good sign that possibly nothing happened. Yes the situation is strange but she was with her friend.

 

Maybe her friend was giving it 'It will be a right laugh! I know these guys they are ok...come on you only live once'. When the drink is flowing and your listening to a mate sometimes its easy to go with the flow...

 

Maybe she got drunk, they had a kiss then she realised what she was doing and wanted out...

 

She came home to you, she didn't stop the night...heck she came home and told you whats happened.

 

I think you have trust issues a little and maybe this is something you need to address before getting married.

 

If it was her and the 4 lads and she wondered back with them then yes I would say 'red flag alert' but she was with a friend....

 

I hope things work out and you have a fabulous wedding.

[crispywat]

thanks rosie , a helpful reply. The thing is i trusted her like hell never had an issue....until this happened because to me as we have only been engaged a few weeks there is no respect for me and the fact she wanted to be with them more . We was due to go to wedding venues at 11am sunday.

The issues for me are why he wanted to ksis her (what signs she gave) and why she felt the need to go there in the first place!

[gorf]

this is not the same lady, i have been with her for 2 years and had no issues at all until the posted one today which i think is a genuine concern for me , would you not agree

 

Yes, its a genuine concern. Exactly what you said: why did the guy want to kiss her in the first place. Just flat out drunk? Possible.

 

The whole situation she was in was inappropriate for an engaged woman. You were not there. Did more happen? Who knows you were not able to see. She was with a bunch of other dudes doing whatever people do in clubs, then back to their place, early in the morning comes and finally comes home, and instead of saying nothing (if that is all that happened) she talks about a guy hitting up on her.

 

Its hard to explain. Its kind of like when a woman knows she went in over her head, she will know you see the way she acts and talks is different, so she has to give you something to go off of. Tell you she had sex with a guy, or just tell you he tried to kiss her. Cause either one will satasfy your curiosity for the way she is acting talking, hiding her phone, all the things that come with a night out.

 

Im not saying anything more happened than what she said.. the problem is, it was an inapropriate situation and you were not there to see what was going on. Do you trust her? Would you define her as a "party girl" or a "need attention" girl, if you know what I mean? I would talk more with her and tell her your concerns

Edited August 1, 2016 by gorf

[sugarpuss]

It sounds like this type of thing has never happened before, so I wouldn't be too worried about it. In response to your last post, guys try to kiss girls ALL the time. It doesn't mean the girl sent him any signals at all...especially if there was alcohol involved. I went drinking once with a guy and 75% of our conversation revolved around the strong feelings I had for one of his friends. I totally friend-zoned this dude the entire night but that didn't stop him from inviting me back to his place at the end of the night.

 

I don't think your girl doesn't have respect for you. Just because she wanted a girls night out doesn't mean she doesn't want to be with you. If this type of behavior is a regular occurrence and is something that doesn't mesh with your lifestyle, I would understand your concern. But it seems like you mostly just don't trust her.

[lolablue17]

First, you have no knowledge about what happened there. It could be what she says, or full sex, or many things in the middle in that scale. The fact that she was probably drunk while taking the wrong decision, works both ways.

 

It can explain why did she go there in the first place, but it also hint that she was lying, because when she came home she was half sober, knew that she messed up, but wasn't sober enough to fully pretend that everything was innocent there.

 

What I mean is that when people are with some alcohol in their blood, they do thing they don't necessarily want to do, and they say things they don't want say. So she may didn't want to have sex but eventually did, (with the help alcohol), and didn't want to tell you anything, but said "something" also because of the same alcohol.

 

In addition you say she didn't look bothered by that when she came. It looks very much like trying to pretend in front of you. Otherwise it's illogical.

 

I can't help you to decide, but if you continue with her, you must at least call it off temporary, just for her to understand she cannot do things like that and get a way with no consequences. If she manage to keep you, she must commit never to drink while you're not there, and she should re thinking about her questionable friend. What kind of a friend takes her engaged girl friend to a house full of lads?

Edited August 1, 2016 by lolablue17

[Versacehottie]

I don't see why you are going to punish her for telling you about the night.

 

TBH, if you've asked her to marry you, you need to have more trust in her. By appearances, she seems to trust you--that you are not going to freak out over something she DID NOT do. I don't know, it may be a blessing in disguise with trust issues like these if you break it off. She won't deserve it but maybe her life will be better for it in the long run.

[h0000]

If you have been with her for two years, you should know what kind of person she is? Is she the immature kind of girl who does inappropriate things, or if she has always been appropriate, loyal, thoughtful? if she has never done anything remotely like this, then maybe she deserves a bit more trust?

 

 

Also, have you guys ever talked about boundaries in your relationship, are these sort of things (night clubbing, getting drunk,going to strange people's place) acceptable to both of you? If you believe she should know that you are not ok with it, then put the wedding on hold and sort the problems out first

[OnlyHonesty]

What you should be asking yourself is how you would feel if you were married and this happened.

 

At the moment you are only engaged and can call it off. If this happened and you were married and it turned out to be more than what she said, then you would be up the creek without a paddle.

 

 

Also, when you are engaged or planning to spend the rest of your life with another, you honor those future vows you have not yet taken, by behaving in a responsible and respectful way. You also enforce new boundaries and keep yourself away from exactly what she mentioned being in.

 

What is the point of getting engaged and married if you expect to act the same way as if you weren't?

 

This is a red flag and your gut instinct is trying to tell you something, listen to that voice.

[elisalynn]

Wow, everyone really loves jumping to a million conclusions here. She went out for a girls night/birthday party. Groups of partying girls sometimes get a bit carried away, trust me. But, she was just hanging out with friends, one of them invited some guys. Guys don't need a "signal" to try to kiss a woman; it happens all the time. Drunk guys at nightclubs often have issues with boundaries. Your fiance told him no and pushed him off and immediately came home. If you can't take her at her word, then I think you have the problem, unless she has given you reason in the past to mistrust her with this sort of thing. Assume the best in your partner until you know to assume the worst, or else you're doomed. You're allowed to be uncomfortable with the situation she ended up in, but don't jump to conclusions and don't start banning her from hanging out and drinking with friends once in a while.

[phineas]

Been with her for two years - she's a good girl who never gave him reason to doubt.

 

Engaged two weeks - goes home with 5 strange men from a night club then gets in at 4:45 am.

 

that's not significant at all.

 

yeah, at least my now ex-wife and all the other women who cheated on me along with all the women who cheated on my friends when they pulled a stunt like this had the common sense to leave the men out of the lie they told to cover their asses.

[TXGuy]

I think she had sex with at least one of the guys, very likely more. She and her skanky friend likely had a nice little party. Others may disagree, but I would say this is the most likely scenario.

 

Ok, she had her fun and now it is four am. What is the best story to tell her fiancee when she rolls in around 5am. Particularly since she has no idea if there were people in the club (pre-taking the party to the guy's place) you and she might know who might let the story get back to you. He is probably not naive enough to fall for 'I crashed at sarah's place for a few hours until I was sober enough to drive home.' I think she felt like she needed to at least give you the beginnings of the 'trickle truth.'

 

If you can convince yourself nothing happened, more power to you. But if this is the type of thing she is doing soon after engagement (when she is likely on her best behavior), I shudder to think what she will do once you are married a few months and the glow wears off. Especially after how easily you believed this story.

Edited August 2, 2016 by TXGuy

[Trinity_84]

I agree when others find it shady that she's pulling this kind of behaviour after just getting engaged.

 

Maybe I am old fashioned or just too sensitive, but if I had just gotten engaged, I wouldn't be hanging out with my girl friend and 5 (maybe strangers) guys after a drunk night out at a club, just reeks of disrespect for my partner.

 

Did she call you at all while she was out? What would happen if *you* had been out with a mate and 5 girls (none of them being girls she knows) at an after party? I bet she wouldn't like that too much, no matter how much she trusted you.

 

I'd definitely try to get more information out of her, but ultimately, trust your gut: it always knows best.

[J21]

The no contact thing is the most blaring red flag.

 

"Got caught up in the moment", yeah ok.

 

I call BS.

 

Everyone is always checking their phones now a days.

 

What was she thinking? Partying with alcohol and disappearing with a bunch of drunk guys and not responding to her fiance wasn't going to be an issue?

 

Give me a break.

[bubbaganoosh]

Ask yourself this and be honest with yourself, you know her better then we do.

 

What if you did what she did, went out with your friends, met up with a bunch of women, went back to their place, continued to drink, kissed another woman, came home at 4 AM and confessed, do you think you would be still engaged to her or for that matter living there?

 

I think you would be in a heap of trouble.

[ChatroomHero]

Ask yourself this and be honest with yourself, you know her better then we do.

 

What if you did what she did, went out with your friends, met up with a bunch of women, went back to their place, continued to drink, kissed another woman, came home at 4 AM and confessed, do you think you would be still engaged to her or for that matter living there?

 

I think you would be in a heap of trouble.

 

 

I'd only add he would be expect to be in a heap of trouble because he would be well aware how inappropriate it was and how disrespectful it was to his fiancée.

[Gaeta]

Ask yourself this and be honest with yourself, you know her better then we do.

 

What if you did what she did, went out with your friends, met up with a bunch of women, went back to their place, continued to drink, kissed another woman, came home at 4 AM and confessed, do you think you would be still engaged to her or for that matter living there?

 

I think you would be in a heap of trouble.

 

Everyone would say the guy did it because it's just the stress of getting engaged and to just watch it from here. We get threads like that often about guys attending bachelor parties and getting carried away. There seems to be a consensus that it's normal for a man that is about to change his life to just let it out.

 

OP: I think you are over-reacting. You trust her or you don't, you have to make a choice.

[preraph]

thanks rosie , a helpful reply. The thing is i trusted her like hell never had an issue....until this happened because to me as we have only been engaged a few weeks there is no respect for me and the fact she wanted to be with them more . We was due to go to wedding venues at 11am sunday.

The issues for me are why he wanted to ksis her (what signs she gave) and why she felt the need to go there in the first place!

 

And there we have it: You are jealous of her friends and think now she's engaged she should give them up. No, that's not normal. That is your issue. One does not give up friends just because they get married. You should break up because once she finds out how possessive you are of her, she'll break up with you anyway.

 

She has a right to go out with friends. You are supposed to know her enough to trust her. If she wanted to cheat, she could do that anytime. She doesn't have to have a night out to do it. She could do it at work, at school, when the postman comes, anytime. You think she should give up everyone for you and rather be with you, but we need our friends just as much as we need a future husband. She told you what happened. You need to see a counselor and work on your insecurities and possessiveness issues.

[ChatroomHero]

 

She has a right to go out with friends. You are supposed to know her enough to trust her. If she wanted to cheat, she could do that anytime. She doesn't have to have a night out to do it. She could do it at work, at school, when the postman comes, anytime. You think she should give up everyone for you and rather be with you, but we need our friends just as much as we need a future husband. She told you what happened. You need to see a counselor and work on your insecurities and possessiveness issues.

 

Totally disagree. Shortly after getting engaged she went out on a weekend until almost 5:00am, went back to another man's place with a guy that tried to kiss her, and ignored contact with her fiancée.

 

 

Don't tell me if your SO was out until 5:00am without letting you know where he or she was, that he or she doesn't owe you the decency of letting you know where they are at and they are safe.

 

 

In a committed relationship you simply do not go out until 4 or 5:00am and ghost your SO, especially when you have plans the next day.

 

 

It's one thing to go out with her friends, have fun and get home at 1 or 2. It is sooooo different to go out with friends, meet up with a group of single guys, go back to one of their houses until 4-5:00am and fight off the guy trying to kiss her. She had no business going over a strange guy's house as someone that is engaged. Best of all, if it is not a big deal, would anyone in that situation text their fiancée at 4:00am and say, "Hey, just letting you know we hung out with 5 guys and I am at one of their houses right now just hanging with some dude trying to kiss me and we all are relatively drunk"?

 

 

He's not talking about stopping her from going out with friends and having fun, her behavior was inappropriate and disrespectful. He is not trying to control, he is demanding the respect she promised him as a partner when she agreed to the engagement.

[Dirt]

Very sketchy behavior. Two years of dating isn't very long and a lot of woman can put on a show for that long until they get engaged.

 

Is this what you want in a wife? I'd personally move on because she cheated on you. Why do you think the guys wanted to hang out with the girls? To get laid.

[Versacehottie]

OP: I think you are over-reacting. You trust her or you don't, you have to make a choice.

 

yep^^^^^^^^^^^^^

[I Just Wanna b Happy]

She is 100% lying. Women always tell half truths when it comes to inappropriate contact with the opposite sex. She saying it was an unwanted kiss means she more than likely DID kiss as well as gave him oral. This reads like so many stories where the man eventually finds out the woman cheated. Do yourself a favor and end the engagement. Then end the relationship. You deserve better than a "fiance" that gets drunk and goes to random men's homes.