Cooper04 Posted August 1, 2016 Posted August 1, 2016 Let me start with a little background. I met a girl about a year ago. She had just(4 months) come out of a serious long-term relationship with what basically turned out to be a con-man. He had at least one other girlfriend, tricked her out of lots of money etc. She felt hurt, betrayed and embarrased by what had happened. We started dating, but she put up huge walls which I struggled to break down. She kept telling me she was afraid of falling in love again, for fear of being hurt. After 5 months, things seemed to be slowly improving. In february she finally seemed happy and comfortable in a relationship with me, and invited me to meet her parents. The next week she dumped me, giving me the "not ready for a relationship"-line. I immediately went NC, but contacted her after a month and asked to meet up. We did and she told me she was disappointed I had deleted her off all social media and wanted to be friends. I asked if that would be with a view towards getting back together, she looked me dead in the eye and said "We will never be in a relationship again". I went back to NC, and tried moving on. Dated other girls(a lot of girls..), but every date I've been on only seemed to remind me of the fantastic chemistry and attraction I had to my ex. Now, 6 months after the break and 5 months since last contact, I decided to send her a message asking her out for drinks. She took 24 hours to respond, but said yes and and suggested saturday. I decided to try to treat this as a first date, and not talk about the past, hurt feelings etc, but just try to be the guy she fell in love with in the beginning. And as far as first dates go, it was very good. She made it clear she also saw it as a date, she mentioned several times she wanted to meet again. We had fun over drinks and dinner, joked around and didn't mention the past at all. We texted on sunday, and again she was very quick and positive in her responses. But I'm unsure how to proceed, how do I get over the obvious awkwardness? And more seriously, the issues that caused the first break, namely her depression and low self-esteem, they are still very much there. I don't know what to do, if I back off I'm sure I will lose her forever, but if we trying getting back together it will almost surely end up the same way as last time.
sugarpuss Posted August 1, 2016 Posted August 1, 2016 If you're looking for a full, committed relationship, move on. She's already told you twice that she doesn't want a relationship with you and this isn't going to change. It'll be more difficult now that you've just contacted her, but I would avoid, avoid, avoid. I know it's hard. I've been there. You almost have to take it a day at a time, then a week at a time. And I'm not suggesting jumping right into dating is the best thing, but since you've been doing that anyway, just remember to give the others a shot. Just because it's DIFFERENT chemistry doesn't mean it won't work.
gorf Posted August 1, 2016 Posted August 1, 2016 She felt hurt, betrayed and embarrased We started dating, but she put up huge walls which I struggled to break down. She kept telling me she was afraid of falling in love again, for fear of being hurt. the issues that caused the first break, namely her depression and low self-esteem, they are still very much there. Girl meets guy, the guy breaks girls heart, she feels hurt betrayed and embarrassed. She dates another guy (you), puts up walls to keep from this happening again. Depression and low self esteem broke the relationship. Depression and low self esteem are still present. So what do you think is going to happen? What has changed with her? I know its a bummer, you have feelings for her.. she does for you too. She would not have looked you in the eye and said she will never be in a relationship with you.. only to go on a date with you after a time. She needs time to heal, find herself, recover. Doing that while in a relationship is not impossible.. but its going to put such a load on you. She can recover by herself, get counseling etc, or she can do it while with you. Is that really what you want? Hard as it is to hear, maybe she needs time from you to heal, and healing with you would be a bad thing. That said, you and her were broken up for a while, you dated others, and there was a good time gap, but you say depression and low self esteem are still there. Its a tough situation, you both have feelings for eachother, but shes broken down
AMJ Posted August 1, 2016 Posted August 1, 2016 You kind of answered your own question...it sounds like you think the whole thing is pointless but you don't want to let it go. Idk I mean, there must be a good reason she wants to give you a second try, maybe just keep going with it. Maybe this time it will work out, she won't panic. I'd give it another date or two and then ask her where her head is at, what she's looking for. 1
Author Cooper04 Posted August 2, 2016 Author Posted August 2, 2016 Thanks for the replies guys. I'll try to give it a few more dates, and see what happens. Keeping it as casual as I can seems to be the best way forward. Asked her to dinner tonight, she said she had already had plans and seemed generally uninterested.. She mentioned on saturday several times she wanted to keep meeting, hopefully she hasn't changed her mind. I'm unsure if this can ever have a happy ending, but I know I want to try. I care about her and I know she cares about me at some level, just not sure if that's enough in this instance.
biker23 Posted August 2, 2016 Posted August 2, 2016 Telling that you had to break the NC both times. I'm concerned you are just ramping up your feelings again for more heartbreak.
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted August 2, 2016 Posted August 2, 2016 This is one way to enter into a toxic relationship with a toxic person. I don't think you're in a position to help mend baby birds as you're a baby bird yourself. You may really like her, but her insecurities and past screams "Physiatrist. Help. Now. Professional support." Not a boyfriend. Get healthy and date healthy. Healthy people avoid people like the young lady you've mentioned. It's not out of snobbery, it's because they are aware that they need to keep themselves safe and that their issues are much harder to deal with on their own. 2
LexiB Posted August 3, 2016 Posted August 3, 2016 This is one way to enter into a toxic relationship with a toxic person. I don't think you're in a position to help mend baby birds as you're a baby bird yourself. You may really like her, but her insecurities and past screams "Physiatrist. Help. Now. Professional support." Not a boyfriend. Get healthy and date healthy. Healthy people avoid people like the young lady you've mentioned. It's not out of snobbery, it's because they are aware that they need to keep themselves safe and that their issues are much harder to deal with on their own. This is perfect. OP, please read and memorize. I've been where you are.
Author Cooper04 Posted August 3, 2016 Author Posted August 3, 2016 I know I can't heal her. I guess I thought/hoped she'd be in a different place after 5 months, but if anything her depression seems to have gotten worse. It's hard to let go.
longjohn Posted August 3, 2016 Posted August 3, 2016 You just boarded the Titanic, you should leave before the impending iceberg appears.
longjohn Posted August 3, 2016 Posted August 3, 2016 Sorry I made a duplicate post, thanks WiFi for dying after I hit "post".
Author Cooper04 Posted August 6, 2016 Author Posted August 6, 2016 Thanks again for your replies and advice. The situation seems to have resolved itself, she's told me she wanted to meet me again, hoping/thinking it would feel like before, but after the long period of NC it felt weird. So it's over. Perhaps for the better in the long run, but still feel pretty low right now as I'm sure you can understand.
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