How do you forgive yourself for losing someone you loved because you hurt them?

[TheLawyer]

I'm really sorry, but I didn't know where else to put this?

 

I was in a LDR for 6 months, and I ****ed up a lot by being needy. I needed constant reassurance which just made her get really pissed off whenever I mentioned it.

 

Then the last straw for her was when she got ill with food poisoning. I wanted to immediately drive to see her but she refused, so I stayed the other end of the phone for 2 days. Pretty much constantly, whenever she needed me I was the other end of a text or a call, which actually caused me some problems at work.

 

Then on the third day she was home in bed still in a lot of pain, and she told me that she let one of her housemates stay with her in hospital and hold her hand while she was ill (I don't think she has any romantic interest in this guy, but I'm guessing he likes her.....), and that she owed him a lot for that. Then she got pissed at me for asking what she meant when she said something, and then she accused me of starting an argument while she was ill when I told her to treat me better, and then she turned off her phone so I couldn't text her or call her anymore.

 

I was then so stupid, I snapped. I told her that I didn't deserve this after everything I had done for her. That if she really thought I did she could find someone else. I then turned off MY phone for the evening and deleted her from all social media.

 

The following morning I could not believe I had been so stupid and childish. I turned on my phone to lots of abusive messages. It was clear that I had hurt her and upset her a lot. I did this while she was recovering from food poisoning too. I felt lower than scum.

 

I tried to call her but she had blocked me from every possible way of contacting her. I borrowed a friends phone to call her and beg forgiveness, but she screamed at me and then hung up. I then sent her a long e-mail from a different account saying how sorry I was but I never heard from her again.

 

That was 5 months ago and although I'm getting over her slowly I can't forgive myself for what I did. For being so horrible to the girl I loved when she was ill. I feel like a monster, and every day I wish I could do something to make up for it. I never want to hurt her ever, and I did because I behaved like an impulsive child that night.

 

How do I forgive myself for hurting her? How do I get over the fact that I behaved so badly towards someone I loved and really hurt them when they were ill?

 

I really wish I could go back in time and be a better person.

[mikeylo]

You keep moving on. You are living with regret and there isnt much you can do than forgive yourself.

[Noideanow]

I'm really sorry, but I didn't know where else to put this?

 

I was in a LDR for 6 months, and I ****ed up a lot by being needy. I needed constant reassurance which just made her get really pissed off whenever I mentioned it.

 

Then the last straw for her was when she got ill with food poisoning. I wanted to immediately drive to see her but she refused, so I stayed the other end of the phone for 2 days. Pretty much constantly, whenever she needed me I was the other end of a text or a call, which actually caused me some problems at work.

 

Then on the third day she was home in bed still in a lot of pain, and she told me that she let one of her housemates stay with her in hospital and hold her hand while she was ill (I don't think she has any romantic interest in this guy, but I'm guessing he likes her.....), and that she owed him a lot for that. Then she got pissed at me for asking what she meant when she said something, and then she accused me of starting an argument while she was ill when I told her to treat me better, and then she turned off her phone so I couldn't text her or call her anymore.

 

I was then so stupid, I snapped. I told her that I didn't deserve this after everything I had done for her. That if she really thought I did she could find someone else. I then turned off MY phone for the evening and deleted her from all social media.

 

The following morning I could not believe I had been so stupid and childish. I turned on my phone to lots of abusive messages. It was clear that I had hurt her and upset her a lot. I did this while she was recovering from food poisoning too. I felt lower than scum.

 

I tried to call her but she had blocked me from every possible way of contacting her. I borrowed a friends phone to call her and beg forgiveness, but she screamed at me and then hung up. I then sent her a long e-mail from a different account saying how sorry I was but I never heard from her again.

 

That was 5 months ago and although I'm getting over her slowly I can't forgive myself for what I did. For being so horrible to the girl I loved when she was ill. I feel like a monster, and every day I wish I could do something to make up for it. I never want to hurt her ever, and I did because I behaved like an impulsive child that night.

 

How do I forgive myself for hurting her? How do I get over the fact that I behaved so badly towards someone I loved and really hurt them when they were ill?

 

I really wish I could go back in time and be a better person.

 

you have done nothing wrong, on the contrary she is the one unloving and very unnice:( thats what it sounds like in my ears, and by the way im a girl.. Find a sweet one not one that lets someone else hold her hand..:(eventhough you tried everything to be there for her and she rejected neglected and manipulated you:(

[Gloria25]

you have done nothing wrong, on the contrary she is the one unloving and very unnice:( thats what it sounds like in my ears, and by the way im a girl.. Find a sweet one not one that lets someone else hold her hand..:(eventhough you tried everything to be there for her and she rejected neglected and manipulated you:(

 

Thank you!!!

 

This was an ungrateful "girl". Be glad she's out of your life!!!

 

Next...!!!!

[thecrucible]

It sounds worse in your head than it is in reality. I can promise you I have done worse in relationships and regret it very much. I've just had to accept it and forgive myself enough to move on. It's the only thing you can really do. You can turn it into a positive by using such situations as a way to do things better next time. Going over it in your head will get you nowhere. I wallow as well and it eventually gets to the point where you realise that all the thinking is pointless and all it does is get you down.

 

You'll be fine. You have not done anything terribly wrong. You say that you were clingy but it may be that she didn't make you feel secure in the relationship and this made you act that way (it has happened to me before). Try to separate out each incident in your head and resolve it. Plenty of people on here can provide perspective. It's time to forgive yourself because you have said 'sorry' to her for something you feel you have done wrong.

 

Trust me, you'll be okay. Don't beat yourself up. The fact you care about this shows what a compassionate person you are who thinks about someone other than themselves. Sometimes in the moment we act in ways we don't recognise but you didn't use any harsh that she will remember (you were not treating her poorly).

 

Personally I think she could have been more compassionate towards you and just accepted your apology rather than screaming down the phone at you.

[Springsummer]

you have done nothing wrong, on the contrary she is the one unloving and very unnice:( thats what it sounds like in my ears, and by the way im a girl.. Find a sweet one not one that lets someone else hold her hand..:(eventhough you tried everything to be there for her and she rejected neglected and manipulated you:(

 

Exactly.

I am a girl too. The bottom line is the woman doesn't love him at all. and OP is just very much in love and needed, and he is so in love and so desperate so he blame everything on himself.

I feel sorry for you, not because you have done anything wrong, but because you are so hard on yourself.

[sugarpuss]

What everyone else said.

 

For real.

[ufo8mycat]

I don't think you really did anything wrong. My only comment would be is that when someone is sick - it isn't about you. I had a pretty bad accident last year and managing all the offers of help was stressful and too much when I was so unwell. So I did lean on those who were physically closest to me and I didn't have to entertain. So I can understand choose a no-fuss, practical housemate over a clingy boyfriend the I had to look after, in my house at my lowest point of dignity.

 

But that isn't to say you are "wrong". Just incompatible

 

Next.

[TheLawyer]

Thank you all for taking the time to respond to me. I really appreciate it!

 

I just can't shake the feeling that I am a really bad person. That I have lost someone I really loved because it's all my fault. That if I had been a better person I would not have hurt her and she would not have left me.

 

It must have been horrible dealing with me. With me needing so much reassurance, and then pushing her away all the time when I convinced myself she didn't really like me.

 

I tried to be a good guy, but I was not a good guy often enough. I can't help thinking she's had a lucky escape from me, and that maybe I should at least be happy that she can now find someone who won't hurt her?

 

I loved her a lot and there last five months have been really tough.

[Alamo657]

She didnt love you, or she wouldnt have kept you at bay when she was ill. When under stress, she reassessed her priorities and you got put down the list.

 

Trust me, she would have left you for someone else someday, its not "your fault". she pushed you away to see if SHE missed you, you reacted with anger at her games. For her its a winwin situation : either you prooved to be a good puppy and win a few more months of sexual favors, or she is free to start fresh with someone new.

[deep_night]

wow, really?

she's the one who should be sorry, not you.

and you know it!

you probably just still love her and can't see the situation logically.

[spiderowl]

You did behave like an impulsive child. You acted before thinking it through calmly.

 

You showed her you had a temper. That is a big red flag to anyone.

 

Having said the above, you need to forgive yourself because you have been hurt by this too. You lost a girl you really liked. You made a mistake and paid a price.

 

What you can do now is to learn from this. It might be an idea to seek counselling, to try to find out why you acted as you did. That might help you to avoid this kind of situation in future. Maybe you are just an impulsive person though. If so, then you need to learn how to manage that so that the negative side of it is not inflicted on others. There is a positive side to being impulsive - fun, spontaneity - so try to focus on the good aspects and minimise the downers.

[Satu]

Steer clear of long distance relationships, OP.

 

They are always problematic.

[TheLawyer]

Had an LDR with an amazing beautiful girl for 6 months.

 

It's been 5 months since we ended and she blocked me on everything. I tried i reach out on her birthday with a card and a call but was totally ignored. That was 3 months ago.

 

I loved her, and even now I think of her every day.

 

We ended based on a stupid argument, and although she should be just as sorry as me she isn't sorry for how she treated me at all. So at the time I fell on my sword, took all the blame, begged, promised to fix everything, promised her the world, but it was not enough.

 

I can't stop thinking of things to say to her. Things to email her. I won't contact her of course, but I really wish I could.

 

I wish I could explain to her how much she hurt me. How she should be sorry too, and how I really didn't deserve this.

 

I wish I could tell her how sorry I am. How I would seriously give her the world to make up for everything I ever did wrong. How I would never do anything to upset her ever again.

 

My mind is a constant sea of these thoughts.

 

Why can't I just let it go? Accept that I ****ed up and lost the love of my life, forgive myself and move on. Accept that she will never appreciate or care how much she hurt me no matter what I say. Accept that my longing to make things up to her will never come to anything.

 

I just wish I was a better human being.

[sorano]

I feel your pain. I know what you are going through. My ex dumped me. I look at it this way. If that person really cared and loved you, they would still be here with us. Every couple argues and fights. They would sit there and work things out. Of course, it depends on the situation and what happened. If it was meant to be they would be with us through the rough, the bad and the good. If they walk away, its not meant to be.

[Satu]

5 months isn't such a long time.

 

You'll get over it.

 

Eventually, you'll get to the point of wondering why it ever bothered you so much.

 

 

Here's a quote from Shakespeare, to think about:

 

 

“Some grief shows much of love,

But much of grief shows still some want of wit.”

 

- Romeo and Juliet.

 

 

Take care.

[todreaminblue]

I just wish I was a better human being.

 

 

you already are....

 

 

you realize things you wouldnt have realized if this break up hadnt happened....

part of my religion is wanting to live a state of eternal progression...this brings me great comfort......everything good or bad that happens every trial every success..pushes you to change.....to progress through life.....teaches you guides you...to be the best person you can be...i started young with trials..from a baby..had them ever since.......but in that time i have had some glorious successes....i feel i hav ebecome more of an empath because of trials...i found out how to be a really good friend from having none and needing a friend....

 

...i have learned how to listen from not having a soul to talk to..

 

i have learned how to socialise from ...being in isolation.........i have had my heart broken ...now I understand the importance of protecting others hearts from brokenness....i know hope...because i have been hopeless....i know happiness...because i have known real sadness.....i have had broken engagements .....to understand the importance of commitment......i have stood up for and beside others...to be in the firing line.......because i know what its like to have no one to stand beside me.....and to face a firing line.....scared and alone...i forgive easily......because i know what its like to be unforgiven... these lessons and trials i have gone through ...have made me better than i was.....but not as good as i can be...that is a life long pursuit.....because we will always face trials...we will always face heart break ...loss ...grief.........sadness......but there will always be an opposition in all things...if you know sadness you will know happiness....

 

bad things ...make you a stronger more compassionate human being....a lover of life and all it holds.....feel what you must...but feel it deeply.....

 

you are a better human being........today..right now you are different to what you were before and you will keep learning through the good and the bad....you will become better every smile every tear...every effort.......and being a better person will happen naturally....you will be happy again.......deb

Edited August 6, 2016 by todreaminblue

[TheLawyer]

After a six month LDR she blocked me after a stupid argument 5 months ago.

 

I tried taking all the blame even though she should have apologised too, and I begged her for another chance. She was not interested.

 

Now I can't help but be a bit frustrated that she got to walk away thinking she was blameless, that it was all my fault, and that I absolutely deserved all the hurt she caused.

 

I wish I had told her how badly she treated me, how I didn't deserve it, how upset and hurt I was buy the way she treated me, how she should apologise too.

 

Has anyone done that and it turn out well? Or is it a good thing I didn't do that? I feel like by not doing it I've let her walk all over me just a little bit extra for no reason.

 

Obviously it's too late to suddenly email her after 5 months with a list of reasons she was horrible to me and should be sorry for them, but I just wish she knew how hurtful her behaviour was

[Ash_cad]

After a six month LDR she blocked me after a stupid argument 5 months ago.

 

I tried taking all the blame even though she should have apologised too, and I begged her for another chance. She was not interested.

 

Now I can't help but be a bit frustrated that she got to walk away thinking she was blameless, that it was all my fault, and that I absolutely deserved all the hurt she caused.

 

I wish I had told her how badly she treated me, how I didn't deserve it, how upset and hurt I was buy the way she treated me, how she should apologise too.

 

Has anyone done that and it turn out well? Or is it a good thing I didn't do that? I feel like by not doing it I've let her walk all over me just a little bit extra for no reason.

 

Obviously it's too late to suddenly email her after 5 months with a list of reasons she was horrible to me and should be sorry for them, but I just wish she knew how hurtful her behaviour was

 

 

Dont it will look petty! I have done that before and didnt get anything that would make me feel better about it.. Just let it go let them live with the guilt and if they dont feel it .. Then they are not worth your time and thinking. Ignore her and dont send anything ..

[angel.eyes]

Don't! If she treated you as poorly as you're saying, she probably won't care. Besides, why waste your time and energy on someone like that.

 

Instead, spend time examining why you stayed with someone who treated you terribly, and worse yet, why you fought to keep such a person in your life when she walked away.

[elaine567]

#1

I was in a LDR for 6 months, and I ****ed up a lot by being needy. I needed constant reassurance which just made her get really pissed off whenever I mentioned it.

 

Then the last straw for her was when she got ill with food poisoning. I wanted to immediately drive to see her but she refused, so I stayed the other end of the phone for 2 days. Pretty much constantly, whenever she needed me I was the other end of a text or a call, which actually caused me some problems at work.

 

Then on the third day she was home in bed still in a lot of pain, and she told me that she let one of her housemates stay with her in hospital and hold her hand while she was ill (I don't think she has any romantic interest in this guy, but I'm guessing he likes her.....), and that she owed him a lot for that. Then she got pissed at me for asking what she meant when she said something, and then she accused me of starting an argument while she was ill when I told her to treat me better, and then she turned off her phone so I couldn't text her or call her anymore.

 

I was then so stupid, I snapped. I told her that I didn't deserve this after everything I had done for her. That if she really thought I did she could find someone else. I then turned off MY phone for the evening and deleted her from all social media.

 

The following morning I could not believe I had been so stupid and childish. I turned on my phone to lots of abusive messages. It was clear that I had hurt her and upset her a lot. I did this while she was recovering from food poisoning too. I felt lower than scum.

 

I tried to call her but she had blocked me from every possible way of contacting her. I borrowed a friends phone to call her and beg forgiveness, but she screamed at me and then hung up. I then sent her a long e-mail from a different account saying how sorry I was but I never heard from her again.

 

That was 5 months ago

OK, this was "the end", no ifs, buts or maybes, this girl did not want to talk you any more and blocked you everywhere.

So what do you hope to achieve by now blaming her for hurting you?

She sounds mightily pissed off, so she is going to be even more pissed off by anything from you saying that she hurt you...

Why would she care?

 

Once people are done with you they are done with you, there are rarely second chances and this relationship to me doesn't sound like it is any way recoverable.

Forget her and move on with your life.

 

Another poster "Captivating" posted this video on another thread it may do you some good to listen to it.

P.S. Do not get into any more LDRs, they rarely work out.

Take care.

[BC1980]

The main motivations in telling someone how badly they treated you or how much they hurt you are :

 

1. You want that person to agree with you.

2. You want that person to feel just as bad as you do.

 

Neither of those two things are likely to happen. They just aren't. And I know it's difficult to understand that, but you have to take it at face value and accept it. I would suggest talking to a therapist, family, or friends about how you feel because they are likely going to sympathetic and understanding in a way that an ex cannot be.

[lana-banana]

I once told an ex how badly he'd hurt me, years after the fact. It came up during the course of an awkward conversation; I had the opportunity to pretend it was fine, but I didn't. I heard later from his friends he was mortified. Not devastated, not heartbroken, not determined to change his ways. Just really embarrassed.

 

People like to believe their exes still care deepy about them on some level, or that theor exes are so narcissistic they'll be broken at the thought of not being adored anymore. It's just not true. Your ex really won't care. They may feel pity or embarrassment, but they'll have forgotten it in an hour. Their only lasting impression will be "wow, X is still super worked up about me" and it only feeds their own ego.

 

You may want to believe it somehow allows you to take back power and self-respect. It doesn't. It's a waste of time. Once you recognize you have to lead your entire life without any contact or comparison whatsoever you can finally begin to move on for real.

[preraph]

I had one such confrontation and it wasn't the least bit satisfying, but to my credit, I was cold as ice and there was fear in his eyes (slept with my oldest friend) I got nothing but a resentful "sorry." Then when I'd happen to run into him out at concerts, he'd look super guilty, like he was about to cry. Then when I ended up working with him and we were both out with other people one night and his date hit on another guy right in front of him while mine disappeared because of some band crisis, we had a talk and he apologized and said he didn't know how bad it was at the time until he'd talked to some of his friends.

 

Usually baring your soul will only make you feel worse. It certainly won't make them come back. Overall and always, the best you can make of a bad situation is to salvage as much dignity as possible and walk away with your head held high and start making a new active life to get the bats out of the belfry as soon as possible and as publicly as possible. Living well is still the best revenge -- and it's the quickest road to recovery over a broken heart.

[WonderKid]

That usually falls on deaf ears and blind eyes. Me going with you is already rendering me vulnerable. So I wouldn't want to look anymore vulnerable than I have to.