BoatingBabe Posted June 30, 2005 Posted June 30, 2005 So MM asked me to go help him with something (at work) I thought it was work related, so I went with him, he led me to his office to show me some stupid crap. Fine. As I walked out, one of my colleagues saw us and started making comments...like.."hmmmmmmmmm what were you guys doing behind closed doors" So I just blew it off...MM goes, I'm trying to get her alone" but he said it in a tongue in cheek type way. Anyway, I got back to my office, and the same guy left a messsage on my voicemail that was basically saying he and I were screwing in his office....but in a joking type way. I was pissed off...So I made the MM hear the voicemail the next day, and instead of him getting mad, he started laughing his arse off...I told him I did not think it was funny and he needs to go tell this individual to stop and to tell him that we are just friends....WEll, he did say something..but more to the affect of "wooooooow, that was just wrong" instead of taking it seriously. The rest of the day he was happier than a pig in shi*. Evidently happy people are linking us together as a "couple" He was singing my name down the hallway too and saying I'm gonna help him fill out his divorce papers. Nice huh?
Naive Posted June 30, 2005 Posted June 30, 2005 So are you in a relationship with this man? Of course he is going to be happy and nonchalant because for a man having things said like that is a compliment, something to feel proud of but for a woman it's embarrassing. Be up-front and tell him that he has to be a man and say the truth!!!
Author BoatingBabe Posted June 30, 2005 Author Posted June 30, 2005 Originally posted by ~Naive~ So are you in a relationship with this man? No, we are not, I consider him a friend...but he has an emotional thing for me...but we are certainly NOT in a relationship, nor are we doing anything physical. Well, when I told him to Man Up and go tell him the truth...his way was saying..."man, that was wrong what you left on her machine" He didn't deny it either.
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 30, 2005 Posted June 30, 2005 You are well outed at work now, and its only a matter of time before the W finds out. This 'jokiness' to your face at the office hides a lot of serious non-joking vicious stuff that is undoubtedly being spread around behind your backs. I know you aren't involved physically with this man, but you are involved emotionally on some level and you have encouraged this emotional affair you are having. Maybe some part of you enjoys the idea of a man going helplessly ape over you like this - but you are playing with the emotions of what sounds to be an emotionally unstable person, and it is inching toward blowing up in your face every day now. He is head over heels for you - and don't think for a second that 'not being involved physically' makes a bit of difference. An affair is an affair - you may not be as into it as he is, but you are in it. The question is: what are you going to do with it? He is destroying your reputation, and make no bones about it: you can be the most upstanding citizen in the world but he is allowing your professional colleagues to see you as nothing more than his piece of ass on the side. Certainly not someone who can be respected or taken seriously by anyone working there. And you are letting him do this to you.
JPMorgan Posted June 30, 2005 Posted June 30, 2005 Say these words: "sexual harrassment" and "My attorney" in the same sentence you tell him to clarify the situation. go over his head and tell the HR department or his manager about it. Send that person to the guy who made the first comment for verification. Hope you didn't erase the voicemail. PS: Pigs are actually clean animals -- it's their owners who have left them in mud and slime and ****. I raised pigs and given proper accommodations, they don't seek out mud and filth to roll in.
Author BoatingBabe Posted June 30, 2005 Author Posted June 30, 2005 Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia - and don't think for a second that 'not being involved physically' makes a bit of difference. An affair is an affair - you may not be as into it as he is, but you are in it. I am not sure I agree with that, I know there are those who say an emotional affair is the same as physical, but I don't buy into it at this point. Yes I know there are feelings involved...but we haven't crossed that line... As for work, I think people know HE is chasing after me, I'm pretty sure they know I haven't done anything, just maybe enjoy the attention. But I think in time, I think he will make sure people don't have that doubt...So I keep bringing up his wife, and if I were seriously involved with him...I wouldn't be saying those things because they would hurt too much. I have nothing to hide, therefore; I can talk openly because nothing is going on (physically).
SweetSerenity Posted June 30, 2005 Posted June 30, 2005 If you know all this is happening why are you hanging around this guy? If you want nothing physical or if you're not enjoying some of the attention then why are you even going around this guy. If you're truly uncomfortable with the rumors flying and you're uncomfortable with the thought of maybe something getting physical and or leading to an affair I just don't see why you don't stop hanging around this guy. I'm trying to understand not bash you. Because from where I'm sitting it does appear a little bit like you like this stuff. Not that thats bad. We all love attention, myself included. I may be wrong, I often am. So if you'd just like to shed some light on the situation so I can clearly respond to you in the ways that you need that would be greatly appreciated.
I was the OW Posted June 30, 2005 Posted June 30, 2005 BoatingBabe, I don't know your whole situation as I don't get the chance to come here a lot to read other's post (I don't have my own computer), but your situation from this thread sounds like how my A started. My exmm didn't persue me, I persued him, and now look where I am at, dumped by him. I filed for a D from my H to be with my exmm because he filed for a D from his W (thought it was perfect, we could finally be together). My exmm and I did flirt a lot, and I finally did tell him I was attracted to him which led to the start of a EA turning into a PA. People at work were saying awful things about me behind my back at work. I was looked down upon by women and men whom I worked with. So far it hasn't been so bad since my my exmm broke it off with me but I still feel a little tension with my co-workers. It's bad enough getting involved with a mm but to actually get involved with one you work with is even worse. Just be careful.
Author BoatingBabe Posted July 1, 2005 Author Posted July 1, 2005 Originally posted by SweetSerenity If you know all this is happening why are you hanging around this guy? We work together, I see him every day, we're in the same department..not a question of whether I WANT to be around him, he IS around all the time.
Author BoatingBabe Posted July 1, 2005 Author Posted July 1, 2005 Originally posted by I was the OW It's bad enough getting involved with a mm but to actually get involved with one you work with is even worse. Just be careful. Yes I know, I have gotten involved with men at work in the past (single guys) twice, and each time, the break up was pretty bad. But this is different in that I never looked for it..I never wanted it...it's just been going on for so long that I was pulled into it...don't ask me how or why, but somehow I was...call it momentum. I really do want out, I don't want to get hurt...I don't want to risk my reputation....I wish I could crawl under a rock until he goes home.
smile95 Posted July 1, 2005 Posted July 1, 2005 I would think his behavior is pretty risky considering that he is not dic yet? If the W does hear something(true or not) it can be a HUGE problem and if she is spiteful, you can be dragged into the div and possibly adultery can come up(eventho it is not true). I would be very careful. He is not thinking clearly if he is laughing about it. Any guy going thru a div knows that he is being watched by everyone of her friends, her friends friends and so on.
Zaira Posted July 1, 2005 Posted July 1, 2005 Originally posted by JPMorgan Say these words: "sexual harrassment" and "My attorney" in the same sentence you tell him to clarify the situation. go over his head and tell the HR department or his manager about it. Send that person to the guy who made the first comment for verification. Hope you didn't erase the voicemail. If you're not interested then yes, it is sexual harrassment, and you should make it known.
smile95 Posted July 1, 2005 Posted July 1, 2005 Wait a second......is he even going thru a div? I assumed he was since you are posting in the "Other Woman/Man" section? I guess I jumped to that conclusion, but reading again.......I do not see where he is getting div?
SweetSerenity Posted July 1, 2005 Posted July 1, 2005 You don't have to really speak with him except on a strictly professional level. I just think you make it harder on yourself when you put yourself in compromising positions. I would stay away from the guy. When his wife finds out you'll probably have more problems than this. Be careful.
Owl Posted July 1, 2005 Posted July 1, 2005 BB- I know you don't buy into the 'emotional affair' thing...but having been on the other side of it (my wife had an online EA with someone...VERY nearly ended our marriage), I can tell you that they're VERY devestating to the BS. In the past I had suggested many times that you very clearly tell him to get lost and put an end to it...but you've continued it because you've enjoyed the feelings from it. At this point, if the whole thing is putting your job at risk, why don't you finally PUT AN END TO IT?!?! And the comment above was on the money. TELL HIM NO. Tell him that you're NOT interested in him like that, and if he does ANYTHING further you will take it to your HR department as harassment. If he pushes the issue, blow up on him in public...make it clear to everyone that YOU don't want HIM....that he's pursuing you AGAINST YOUR WISHES. Just my thoughts....
Author BoatingBabe Posted July 1, 2005 Author Posted July 1, 2005 I know you guys keep telling me to go the HR route, but I really can't...perhaps because I've given him mixed messages in the past, perhaps because I have confided in him in the past.. I don't want to get on his bad side, I can see him as the type to try to screw me over BIG TIME should I flat out reject him that way....and I'd also be putting his job in jeapardy, so I don't think that is an option for me. Owl, I know about your EA and how hard you took it, I just don't feel the line has been crossed, therefore; I think the severity of this shouldn't be the cause of a breakup between them, should they be on that route...It may just give him the final push to leave if he thinks he has something waiting on the sidelines...but I know they had problems before even I came along. Avoidance is my plan for now...my door is going to be locked when he is around..and I'll make sure I am occupied if he comes knocking...I think if I create some distance between us, he'll lose interest eventually. A man can only try so hard, he has to have a breaking point and go on with his life after constant "roadblocks".
LucreziaBorgia Posted July 1, 2005 Posted July 1, 2005 I just don't feel the line has been crossed It hasn't for you. It very clearly has for him. Therein lies the danger. I think if I create some distance between us, he'll lose interest eventually. Better make it some real distance. You'll have to stop talking to him altogether and be outright threatening and hostile to shake him off you at this point, because he'll think you are playing coy and hard to get - and will work that much harder to get you, or strike out in anger if he can't have you. Be careful though - he can and will turn everything you have confided in him on you if things don't work out his way - he will attempt to take you right down with him. I've been in a very, very similar situation to yours and it blew up horribly for all parties involved - jobs lost, friendships lost, relationships shattered, a marriage ended - all because of what started out to be an 'innocent flirtation' with 'no lines crossed'. When he got caught with the person who did agree to be his OW - he tried to take me down too, as the person who 'caused him to want to stray from his M in the first place'. I could have been sued for alienation of affection by his BW! Luckily I was not, and once that three year statue of limitations passed, I could breath again. Was it my fault he wanted to stray? No. But... I could have stopped things by REFUSING to play that little "we aren't crossing any lines" game. It probably wouldn't have stopped him down the road with someone else - but this particular situation could have been stopped. You have the opportunity to put an end to something now that could potentially get very ugly for you later. I regret deeply that I did not take that opportunity myself those years ago.
Owl Posted July 1, 2005 Posted July 1, 2005 BB- Avoidance has been your plan for months, and hasn't seem to have worked. It sounds to me like you need a new plan. Let me ask you this question real quick...you don't feel that a "line has been crossed", and that this wouldn't be enough of a cause to be a break up between him and his wife. Do you think that she would feel the same way if she WAS aware of this? Honestly, one possible way to end this would be to threaten to tell his wife if he didn't leave you alone...or even go ahead and TELL his wife, and suggest to her that she talk with some of his co-workers for verification of his bad behavior. At this point, you're not seeking anything from him...make that very clear to his wife if you do decide to let her know. Again, just my thoughts.
Author BoatingBabe Posted July 1, 2005 Author Posted July 1, 2005 Wow Lucrezia,,,,so you know exactly what I'm going through...It's just hard for me to believe something non-physical could be so detrimental. I just hope it's not too late and his determination will break.
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