Charmed22 Posted July 31, 2016 Posted July 31, 2016 Long story I'll try to keep it simple So i had a fwb thing with a guy named Mike. We progressed to dating for a week. He had so many issues that I thought I could handle but within that week I ended things and decided to go back to being fwb with him telling him he needed to get himself together before I get in a relationship with him. I then go on a trip out of state and happen to meet a guy John who lives in my city too. It was completely unexpected but John seemed to be everything I could ask for in a guy. We spent the entire trip together and decided to take things slow and see where it goes. Yesterday I ended the fwb with mike who was really upset about it and I feel bad about hurting him. I find myself really looking forward to John to where I'm cutting off my fwb, telling my family about him etc. I know it is slightly freaking John out a little as he wants to takes things slow. He has been hurt in the past and says he walls up and is jaded. He says he likes me and is into me but he wants to take this one day at a time mentioning that more then likely we won't be in a relationship anytime soon. I'm new to dating. Besides mike I have only had one relationship that became a relationship immediately after a few dates. I don't know what it means to take things slow. I'm scared that it is a code for "I just want your sex and company until I get bored or find someone else" it seems like when ppl aren't sure if they want to be with me they will never be sure. Can I really expect some lightbulb to go off in his head that says, "oh I'm ready for the next step"? I cut off mike and other guys cause I feel like I can't build johns trust while talking to other guys. But there is a part of me that's scared this is all for nothing since there is the possibility months could pass and we would still be taking things slow. Why is dating like this and how do I keep myself grounded ?
kgcolonel Posted July 31, 2016 Posted July 31, 2016 This may be passe but....if taking things slow, why is sex assumed? Don't have sex with either until you "know where it's going". This way, you will know he's not just using the expression to get sex.... This is not a difficult equation.
Author Charmed22 Posted July 31, 2016 Author Posted July 31, 2016 Me and mike are done I can't go back to that so no sex on his part. Me and John the guy I want to be with have had sex but on some occasions we haven't, he promised me that it isn't about sex that he respects me and actually likes me.
Dis Posted July 31, 2016 Posted July 31, 2016 This is interesting...I know alittle bit about where John is coming from I recently reconnected with a guy I used to date. Keep in mind I have no interest in a relationship right now...I'm taking a break fom dating Anyway I just wanted to meet up with him to say hi and catch up. I didnt think much of it. But when we meet up I could tell he still had really strong feelings for me. When I told him I dont want to date right now he was disappointed...I could tell that hurt him. He said to me, Why are you here if you dont want a relationship? I had no idea he wanted a relationship with me so much. So I kind of got backed into a corner...I had no idea he was going to push for me to be in a relationship with him. So I said, Lets just take things slow...it was the best I could come up with at the moment....he seemed disappointed with my response but said, ok I can do that. I told him not to worry though because its not like I'm dating anyone else....to my surprise he said, Ok I'm not going to date anyone else either...d*mn I was not expecting that! But ok.... So from my POV....John doesnt want a relationship but he wants to hang out...and if you guys are having sex..hes probably loving that. I'm not saying when a person says, "lets take it slow" that means nothing will ever come of it. But it def means hes doesnt want a relationship as of now...hes not commiting himself to you... and maybe he just wants sex. I will say if you are looking for something serious and long-term...ditch John asap bcuz if thats the case....you're only setting yourself up to get hurt I would also date other people....dont put all your eggs in one basket hun
deep_night Posted July 31, 2016 Posted July 31, 2016 it has happened to me that someone said "let's take it slow" before we met, as in getting to know each other as people, let the tension build slowly and let things evolve on their own. but, it's a weird thing to say AFTER having sex :/ it feels like a step back. my guess is that he likes you but isn't attached to you, and maybe he's still on the market. sorry to say that but it's not your fault anyway. i'd write off this one, complicated situations are never worth the pain. you deserve to be claimed! 1
Author Charmed22 Posted July 31, 2016 Author Posted July 31, 2016 Anyway I just wanted to meet up with him to say hi and catch up. I didnt think much of it. But when we meet up I could tell he still had really strong feelings for me. When I told him I dont want to date right now he was disappointed...I could tell that hurt him. He said to me, Why are you here if you dont want a relationship? I had no idea he wanted a relationship with me so much. So I kind of got backed into a corner...I had no idea he was going to push for me to be in a relationship with him. The whole thing with the John is that he is a family friend who went on the trip. I had no clue I would connect with him and it was on his doing as mike was technically still in the picture. We had a great time and when it was time to go home we both decided to take things slow and see where it goes which I'm fine with, my thing is to pens up a lot of questions about boundaries and time tables but I don't want to come across as needy or pushy if I ask these questions. I don't want to be taking things slow forever. I feel like after a month of texting and going out should be enough to see if he wants arelationship. It's not like we are getting engaged or anything. I also am not sure about how to go about other guys. I cut off Mike cause I figure it's not in good taste to be pursuing someone else while entertaining a fwb. Should I not give other guys the time of day dating wise? One reason John wants to take things slow is cause of trust issues stemming from previous relationships. I feel like me talking to other guys and dating around is not going to help me gain anyone's trust.
Dis Posted July 31, 2016 Posted July 31, 2016 The whole thing with the John is that he is a family friend who went on the trip. I had no clue I would connect with him and it was on his doing as mike was technically still in the picture. We had a great time and when it was time to go home we both decided to take things slow and see where it goes which I'm fine with, my thing is to pens up a lot of questions about boundaries and time tables but I don't want to come across as needy or pushy if I ask these questions. I don't want to be taking things slow forever. I feel like after a month of texting and going out should be enough to see if he wants arelationship. It's not like we are getting engaged or anything. I also am not sure about how to go about other guys. I cut off Mike cause I figure it's not in good taste to be pursuing someone else while entertaining a fwb. Should I not give other guys the time of day dating wise? One reason John wants to take things slow is cause of trust issues stemming from previous relationships. I feel like me talking to other guys and dating around is not going to help me gain anyone's trust. He's made his intentions clear hun. Its a big mistake to go into a "relationship" expecting that person to change his mind. He's told you what he wants....and its not a relationship. For a sec, forget about what he wants....What do you want??? Do you want a serious long-term relationship??? Are you happy with his vague defintion of what he wants??? Are you ok going along with what he wants for awhile??? Dont you deserve to be with someone who's relationship goals align with yours??? Its really important to be on the same page with the person you're dating...otherwise what are you really working towards??? If you dont want to date other people I totally understand that hun. I was never able to multi-date either. But just be mindful about your feelings for him...I have a feeling you're already starting to really like him....so if decide to go along with his plan....and he ends up not wanting to commit down the line....you're going to get hurt hun IMO, this is going to end badly for you....but thats just MO 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted August 1, 2016 Posted August 1, 2016 If I'm reading all this right, he asked to take it slow AFTER sex, right? That is code for: "Hey, now that I've had sex with you and will likely get more, let's not jump into giving ourselves a label of bf/gf." OR " Hey, now that I've had sex with you, let's not jump to giving ourselves a label b/c I'm looking for another chick for some action..." Sorry. But, you don't take it slow after sex. You become bf/gf. You do become a label, a couple....if you're interested in having a relationship. 2
Author Charmed22 Posted August 2, 2016 Author Posted August 2, 2016 I have told him my concerns and that I am developing feelings for him. He said that he is developing feelings for me too but its too soon and he is concerned about letting his guard down and getting hurt. He has voiced that he likes the idea of getting to know someone and letting the relationship build rather than it jumping into something. He said that he respects me and is interested in getting to know me rather than this be a hookup thing. I asked him if he thinks this can go anywhere and he said he thinks it can. I also expressed to him my concern that if things dont workout he will simply stop talking to me cause we arent together. he said that he respects me too much to do that and if he decides this isnt for him he will let me know and wanted me to do the same in return. He is a friend of my cousin I have known for a while but only began talking to on the trip which was a week ago. My thing is how long do I give this before it becomes a lost cause. I dont want to waste my time but I also dont want to be unreasonable expecting a serious relationship with someone I have only been talking to for a week. Im also not sure how to find that balance while taking things slow. I have the tendancy to care too much or not at all. What do I do and not do as far as how I go about this to safeguard myself to not get hurt and not ruin what I have with this guy?
Dis Posted August 2, 2016 Posted August 2, 2016 I have told him my concerns and that I am developing feelings for him. He said that he is developing feelings for me too but its too soon and he is concerned about letting his guard down and getting hurt. He has voiced that he likes the idea of getting to know someone and letting the relationship build rather than it jumping into something. He said that he respects me and is interested in getting to know me rather than this be a hookup thing. I asked him if he thinks this can go anywhere and he said he thinks it can. I also expressed to him my concern that if things dont workout he will simply stop talking to me cause we arent together. he said that he respects me too much to do that and if he decides this isnt for him he will let me know and wanted me to do the same in return. He is a friend of my cousin I have known for a while but only began talking to on the trip which was a week ago. My thing is how long do I give this before it becomes a lost cause. I dont want to waste my time but I also dont want to be unreasonable expecting a serious relationship with someone I have only been talking to for a week. Im also not sure how to find that balance while taking things slow. I have the tendancy to care too much or not at all. What do I do and not do as far as how I go about this to safeguard myself to not get hurt and not ruin what I have with this guy? It sounds like he's BSing you...100% If you're the type of person that cares too much (which is what your doing here) You need to get out right now Theres nothing I can say besides this is not going to end well for you Find the exit door Oh and stop having sex with him
sugarpuss Posted August 2, 2016 Posted August 2, 2016 Wait, so you've only been talking to this guy for a week? In that case, I do think you're being unreasonable to expect a serious relationship so soon (your words, not mine). I don't think he's BSing you at all. Who knows what he's got going on in his life right now (whether it be past relationship probs, as you mentioned, or maybe a tough work or school load). Not to mention y'all were on vacation when you met and spent time together...which is different than real life. I think you were wrong to cut Mike off. Again, you've only been talking to John for a week, and there is no commitment to him yet, so you can totally date/screw other people. I know what's done is done, but in the future, I wouldn't be so hasty there. I wouldn't drop John but keep it casual, since that's what he's requesting. That means keep it casual in your mind too. I know it's hard but don't put the cart before the horse or it ends up being a one-sided relationship.
Author Charmed22 Posted August 2, 2016 Author Posted August 2, 2016 (edited) Wait, so you've only been talking to this guy for a week? In that case, I do think you're being unreasonable to expect a serious relationship so soon (your words, not mine). I don't think he's BSing you at all. Who knows what he's got going on in his life right now (whether it be past relationship probs, as you mentioned, or maybe a tough work or school load). Not to mention y'all were on vacation when you met and spent time together...which is different than real life. I think you were wrong to cut Mike off. Again, you've only been talking to John for a week, and there is no commitment to him yet, so you can totally date/screw other people. I know what's done is done, but in the future, I wouldn't be so hasty there. I wouldn't drop John but keep it casual, since that's what he's requesting. That means keep it casual in your mind too. I know it's hard but don't put the cart before the horse or it ends up being a one-sided relationship. I also cut mike off for other reasons that dont entirely have to do with John. My last thread will describe my problems with Mike (untreated bipolar, legal issues). I didnt want to hurt him so I said we can step back to being fwb (a mistake on my part cause I led him on) . But he had too much going on and was bringing me down so I backed out of dating him thinking if he gets his stuff together things would be different. I wasnt betting on that happening anytime within the next year. Just didnt know how to step away from him. After the trip and meeting John I realized that my priorities have changed. I want to be with one guy and If it isnt John there will one day be another guy to come in the picture. Since Im almost certian a relationship with mike will more than likely not work out and dont want to wait for something that will more than likely never happen, I needed to end the fwb with him sooner. John was more of the push I needed to end something I was planning on ending in the first place Edited August 2, 2016 by Charmed22
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