Jump to content

I'm trying to figure out the real reason he broke up with me.

Lunabell14

By Lunabell14
in Breaks and Breaking Up

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

Lunabell14 New Member

Lunabell14

Posted
Posted

So I'm 26, and I was dating a 27-year-old guy for 4 months. I don't have a lot of relationship experience so it was one of my more serious relationships.

 

It all seemed like everything was going well. He told me he didn't want to settle down and he was feeling disconnected from me.

 

I (foolishly) got drunk last weekend and talked to one of his friends. Backstory on the guy I'm dating: When he was 23, he was diagnosed with kidney failure, and a year ago he had a kidney transplant. He's been doing pretty well. But his friend started telling me stuff about how he thought he was going to die, and then didn't, and to imagine what that would've been like. Next day, ex calls me and says I didn't do anything wrong (because how can you just randomly be disconnected from me after months of getting along well?) and it just fizzled. I understand fizzling in the first month, but by four months, with no signs of it (2 days before he was still being affectionate towards me).

 

My theory that makes more sense than fizzling out is that the kidney stuff is still kind of emotionally traumatizing and he got scared for some reason (he was suffers from anxiety. Friend of his confirmed he was very introverted and he said it's hard to tell what's going on with him). Do you guys think that's valid or am I seriously overthinking it?

  • Like 1
heartfeltlove Established Member

heartfeltlove

Posted
Posted

I think you may be overthinking it. When you add up all the reasons given, he seems to not wish to commit because he may subconsciously believe he has a limited time to live. Add his introverted/anxiety mind-set, I think that's all you need to know, or understand. Having lived with a man for many years with a personality disorder, I have come to recognise that when people demonstrate certain behavioural traits, it's up to them, and nothing you need to understand or feel you need to do anything about. Their issues are theirs to deal with. You just have to decide how much you are going to let someone else's crap influence you.

  • Like 2
ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

Posted
Posted

It's possible the break-up had something to do with his underlying health problems. His anxiety and introverted tendencies could be contributing factors too. Or maybe not - maybe he really did feel this wasn't the right relationship for him and that you two weren't a long-term fit.

 

But in the end, what does it matter, really?

 

Unfortunately, the result is the same. What is important now is that you don't assume that you did something wrong or that you are somehow not good enough. Put your energy into yourself and your healing. And tempting as it is, don't pump his friends for information. They know him, but they aren't inside his head.

  • Like 2
  • Author
Lunabell14 New Member

Lunabell14

Posted
  • Author
Posted
It's possible the break-up had something to do with his underlying health problems. His anxiety and introverted tendencies could be contributing factors too. Or maybe not - maybe he really did feel this wasn't the right relationship for him and that you two weren't a long-term fit.

 

But in the end, what does it matter, really?

 

Unfortunately, the result is the same. What is important now is that you don't assume that you did something wrong or that you are somehow not good enough. Put your energy into yourself and your healing. And tempting as it is, don't pump his friends for information. They know him, but they aren't inside his head.

 

Yeah, I've considered that possibility as well, that it really just wasn't right. I don't know, it was just so out-of-the-blue. Other break-ups I've dealt with, the reasons were more clear-cut, and even though it never felt good, I at least understood why very clearly. And I've never had anything fizzle out after this time length. If I fizzle out with someone, it's generally within a month of two. I guess it's not that crazy it could've happened after 4 for him, but going from being invited to a wedding a week or two before to being dumped was kind of confusing.

 

And yeah, im not going to pump his friends anymore. I deleted my Facebook and don't have their numbers (or the exes).

 

I've accepted that regardless of why, it's over. I just tend to feel better if I can make sense out of it, and knowing his personality, I question if he fully understands why. I know I need to stop obsessing over it and not care why since at worst I was just kind of boring to him or there was something he never told me about that made him realize I wasn't for him. Just not sure how.

  • Like 1
BC1980 Established Member

BC1980

Posted
Posted

You might be overthinking it. 4 months is about the time you decide if you can stay in a relationship for the long haul. Maybe his health issues played a part in that? You probably won't ever know for sure.

  • Like 1
stillafool Established Member

stillafool

Posted
Posted

If he was at one point facing death and made it through he may know now how precious and short life is and wants to make sure he spends it with the right person for him. I think he just decided you two weren't right for each other so be thankful he didn't waste anymore of your time.

  • Like 3
asphyxis Member

asphyxis

Posted
Posted

I'll never learn the real reason why my ex broke up with me even though he said there were lots and lots of reasons. He gave me 2 of those reasons. Distance and accusing me of being a lesbian, we almost dated 2 years. I've forgiven that I'll never really know, but I consider it a blessing in disguise. Stop trying to dig for awnsers. The problems are with him, not you.

  • Like 1
aloneinaz Established Member

aloneinaz

Posted
Posted

Often times, after a relationship ends and some time has past, we realize that we missed LOTS of signs of the impending doom/breakup. Both sexes are experts at NOT listening to subtle comments our now ex says or said. Most people don't seek out confrontation or a serious "chat" early in a R/S. When we are un-happy with something in a relationship, we often make comments like "it's ok for you to be affectionate" or "are you always in a bad mood"? We don't listen to those comments or take them seriously believing they are just joking around. When the other person making said comments doesn't see any changes being made or see their comments being taken seriously, it's a red flag, especially early in a relationship. If a partner makes a comment about you being sarcastic too often and you don't change, it could lead to them believing there is no long term potential.

 

So, OP, your challenge is to reflect on this and see if there may have been comments missed by you that added up to him believing there wasn't a long term potential with you.

 

I know I missed these subtle comments in past relationships that ended. The other person was trying to be gentle in pointing out an annoying habit that I didn't change. It's made me listen MUCH closer to my significant others subtle comments now.

 

Just a thought.

  • Like 1
SammySammy Established Member

SammySammy

Posted
Posted

One thing I find interesting about this site is when women try to figure out what guys mean. The real reason behind what they say. Happens quite often.

 

A guy can say XYZ and a woman will wonder what it really means. As a man, when I say XYZ ... I usually mean ... XYZ. I think most guys are like that. Meaning ... I think he didn't want to get married and was feeling disconnected from you. His ailment and concerns about his mortality may have played a role, but, in the end, he didn't want to get married and felt disconnected. Being nice to you two days earlier doesn't change that.

 

Interesting insight into the differences between the way men and women communicate. I think men generally say what we mean. Women's speech is a little more nuanced. Might be worth our while to constantly be paying attention to the clues and reading between the lines.

 

Just an observation ....

  • Like 3
Trinity_84 Established Member

Trinity_84

Posted
Posted

4 months in is a perfectly reasonable length of time for someone to realize that the person they're dating isn't the right fit. I think that's what happened here. Whatever his reasoning for arriving at that conclusion it's water under the bridge now. Start moving on.

  • Like 3
  • Author
Lunabell14 New Member

Lunabell14

Posted
  • Author
Posted
4 months in is a perfectly reasonable length of time for someone to realize that the person they're dating isn't the right fit. I think that's what happened here. Whatever his reasoning for arriving at that conclusion it's water under the bridge now. Start moving on.

 

 

Yeah, you're probably right. Like I said, I haven't had a lot of relationship experience, but in the limited experience I've had, if I don't drop you in the first month, I'm into you. And unless there's something that's a huge problem that comes up after that, I probably won't end it. Which I think is why I keep wondering about it. There might've been something small, but I have no idea what it is.

  • Like 1
  • Author
Lunabell14 New Member

Lunabell14

Posted
  • Author
Posted
One thing I find interesting about this site is when women try to figure out what guys mean. The real reason behind what they say. Happens quite often.

 

A guy can say XYZ and a woman will wonder what it really means. As a man, when I say XYZ ... I usually mean ... XYZ. I think most guys are like that. Meaning ... I think he didn't want to get married and was feeling disconnected from you. His ailment and concerns about his mortality may have played a role, but, in the end, he didn't want to get married and felt disconnected. Being nice to you two days earlier doesn't change that.

 

Interesting insight into the differences between the way men and women communicate. I think men generally say what we mean. Women's speech is a little more nuanced. Might be worth our while to constantly be paying attention to the clues and reading between the lines.

 

Just an observation ....

 

I don't think he's purposefully lying or trying to talk in codes. I do think he was trying to be as kind about it as possible. I think that also there's more to it than he's willing to tell me, or there's a piece of it that's factoring into it that he's not aware of. Should also mention I'm a counseling student, so yeah, I over analyze people in my life in general. :p

 

I'm saying all of this as someone who is probably 75-80% over it right now, in the sense that I know it's over, and accept it. I just like to understand why things happen so I can avoid them if possible.

  • Like 1
runup Member

runup

Posted
Posted

It sounds like you're around 40%... It's hard to put a number on it though lol.

 

If you're still wondering why, you're not as close to being over it as you think. I know because I was in that mindset a couple weeks ago. Now I am starting to not even ask those questions and I feel I'm around the 70% mark myself. It's all relative though.

 

My ex was the same. I had a LOT of unanswered questions. A part of me wants to know what's in her head still, but a part of me knows there is no point. I don't bother asking myself the questions anymore because it doesn't help me heal. I think it's in your own best interest to not ask questions. IF at any point (Big IF) you get back together, then you can discuss what happened etc.

  • Like 2
stillafool Established Member

stillafool

Posted
Posted
I don't think he's purposefully lying or trying to talk in codes. I do think he was trying to be as kind about it as possible. I think that also there's more to it than he's willing to tell me, or there's a piece of it that's factoring into it that he's not aware of. Should also mention I'm a counseling student, so yeah, I over analyze people in my life in general. :p

 

 

Why can't you just believe what he has told you? Why does there have to be more to it?

  • Like 1
Satu Established Member

Satu

Posted
Posted

Why he broke up with you is of little importance.

 

What is important is you taking good care of yourself, getting some healing, and making the best of your life.

 

 

Take care.

  • Like 1
BC1980 Established Member

BC1980

Posted
Posted
I don't think he's purposefully lying or trying to talk in codes. I do think he was trying to be as kind about it as possible. I think that also there's more to it than he's willing to tell me, or there's a piece of it that's factoring into it that he's not aware of. Should also mention I'm a counseling student, so yeah, I over analyze people in my life in general. :p

 

Even if you did know the reason, beyond a shadow of a doubt, it won't change anything. You will won't be with him. Something that is difficult for the person who is dumped is that they don't understand the other person's feelings. They feel one way and can't understand how the other person feels doesn't share those feelings. You really just have to let all of that go because you will never get into another person's head and truly understand how they feel.

 

I think we often want to understand the reason because it gives us something to cling to. It makes the relationship alive and relevant to your life. And that is a natural part of the letting go process. If you were caught off guard, it takes your mind awhile to process the fact that it's over, and, in doing so, you cling to anything that makes the relationship feel current. If you stay NC and do things to purposefully move on, you will eventually get to a point that you don't care anymore.

Save

 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...