My latest bombshell

[DanH]

Dan...I cannot understand why you are still so hellbent on getting back with this woman. She is who she is, and that is not going to change. Since you don't want to cut contact and don't want to move on, I'm not sure there's much more advice I can offer. You seem determined to hang on to this toxic woman at any cost to your own well-being. I wish you well.

 

I know Springy. I can understand it makes for a frustrating read.

 

I accept I have a problem getting past this woman. Seeing my future without her. Hence why I've sought counselling.

[DanH]

.... I am sorry that you are one of many men I know who have been sucked into a situation like this...

 

Really...?

Many....?

 

I'm pleased to inform everyone that I do have other children. Biological children, of my own. Three teenage boys (18 and 16 year old twins) Though they live mostly with their Mum, whom I was married to for nearly 6 years.

[Chi townD]

OKay dude. Here's the deal. She cheated on you. You don't have to sleep with someone to cheat on them. She admitted that she met this guy while she was with you. Therefore, she was emotionally cheating on you. She valued this other dude more than you that she decided to kick you to the curb for him. Sorry dude. She was emotionally invested in this dude and that's cheating.

 

You just need to move on. Dude, she has three kids from three different fathers. What does that tell you? She has a problem with commitment. Be glad when you got out when you did. If you to have a child together. Co-parent and that's it! IF she calls, let it go to voicemail. If it's about the kid, TEXT her back, do not call. If she texts you, only respond to texts about your kid, ignore everything else.

 

Time to heal and move on dude.

[Blanco]

As much as you might not want to, I think it's best if you sever all ties with her, including the children. I was in a somewhat similar situation and still being involved with the children made it almost impossible to get any traction moving on with my life.

 

Unless you have a legal obligation to the children, you have to put yourself first here and stop playing white knight.

[Jersey born raised]

Your exGF does not do love, she is emtionaly stunted. What she can do is limerence. The Truth About Limerence Affairs - Joe Beam

 

She has a personity disorder. Read Downtowns posts http://www.loveshack.org/forums/members/84986-downtown/

 

You need to detach from her, but she will try to keep you around but will really use you. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce

[Captivating]

Dan,

I am so sorry that you are hurting. This situation is terrible.

You seem to be such a nice man, you'd better start believing that you are worthy and deserve a way better life than this.

You do not see the situation with your ex clearly because you are emotionally involved. At least not yet, but you will.

I have to agree with the other guys, you should move on.

 

You were nothing but NICE and CARING to this family, took care of her kids like your own, provided for them etc. Meanwhile she was stringing you along trying to meet someone "BETTER" and coming up with the lamest excuses such as "she can't wait for you writing the wedding invitations" to put the blame on you why things went wrong.

Well, why didn't she take the initiative to write them on her own then ???

Because she is lazy and TAKES YOU FOR GRANTED with everything.

When there is a disagreement, it's miraculously always YOUR fault and you always have to make amends. Childish 3-4 days of silent treatment !!?? Who does she think she is ??

 

Well, she ain't a catch ! You will come to this realization within a couple of months, don't worry. Your brain is fighting you, it doesn't want to accept reality.

 

It might not be the case and I'm not a psychologist but your ex shows signs of a person with narcissistic personality disorder.

She never takes responsibility for any of her mistakes (cheating), finds excuses always, manipulates situations by blaming you for everything.

Does she have a problem with someone criticizing her ?? Narcissistic people get very mad if someone is on their case. They always want to have positive feedback from the other person, the need of constant reassurance.

They also tend to use people for their purposes, financially, support etc. once they don't need you they discard you.

 

They usually establish sexual intimacy very early in a relationship, it's their way to control the other. LOVE BOMBING is a very common characteristic early on in a relationship.

 

DAN !!! Be proud of yourself because you are a GREAT guy! She doesn't deserve you and doesn't even compare to you.

She seems to lack compassion and a moral compass....it's not good. Sad actually, since she has kids. Is this what the kids will learn from her?

 

Her new guy:

I doubt that it will last, he is way too young for her and for her baggage

I am 43 and I would choose a 43-year-old over a 30-year-old

Don't give her the satisfaction of showing her jealousy, or being bothered by him at all, never even mention him to her.

Act as the alpha male and ignore her too. It will bother her.

She needs to know that you are moving on. Never beg her, women are repelled by a weak guy.

Tell your daughter that you love her and she can contact you whenever she wants. Also, that this situation was not your choice.

 

She might want to come back one day, don't let her !

There are so many awesome women out there waiting to be loved ! Start to envision the perfect relationship in your head and make it happen. I suggested this many times:

Join a credible dating site and ask women out for coffee dates. It's affordable you can cut them short or it can last for hours, nobody will bother you guys. It might take you many dates, but I bet it will be worth it.

So, start taking care of yourself, eat well, sleep well, get out of the house, reach out to friends, talk their ears off, FIND YOURSELF AGAIN, be kind to yourself ! It will take some time to get over this, but you will, be patient.

 

I recommended this video many times before up here, please watch it, it is very helpful. You will like it. He has many other videos on youtube on narcissists as well, watch some of those too, it is an eye-opening experience !

 

 

Take care!

[DanH]

She has a personity disorder. Read Downtowns posts http://www.loveshack.org/forums/members/84986-downtown/

 

...she will try to keep you around but will really use you...

 

She already is. Having texts now, as I type. Am I busy later in the week etc. Yet when I'm trying to get her to meet me I can't get an answer.

 

Jersey, it's funny you should mention the personality disorder...

I was reading something last week and found someone talking about "borderline" relationships....? I had no idea what that was, but as I read on I thought to myself how familiar some of it sounded. So I googled.

What I read sent a shiver up my spine. It was like someone had followed her and I, watched our most intimate moments and conversations during particularly the first few years.

 

This piece here, especially.... word for word

 

Account Suspended

 

Lots here too....

https://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/01/21/relationships-with-borderline-narcissistic-personality-women/

 

then to a lesser degree here....

Relationships and Borderline Personality Disorder - Borderline Personality Disorder

[DanH]

Dan,

I am so sorry that you are hurting. This situation is terrible...

 

Wow.....

 

okay. So much to say, but sadly Im about to leave the net for a few hours and can't until later. Just wanted to thankyou for this post Captivating.

I actually posted the one directly underneath it BEFORE I read this of yours.

As you'll see there's a certain crossover there.

 

I'll be back later, as there are a couple of things I wanted to answer/say specifically. but in the meantime, thanks again.

 

Dan

[Captivating]

Dan,

I'm anxiously waiting for some updates

How is everything ?

[DanH]

Dan,

I'm anxiously waiting for some updates

How is everything ?

 

Hi Captivating. Thanks for asking. I've been meaning to get back in here for a day or two....

 

After I last posted, the more I read on these personality disorders and such, the spookier it got. Obviously it's all too east from a Google screen to amateur diagnose another human being, particularly one who's spurned us, as having a mental problem. I've been trying not to do this...But.... as checklists go...? Narcissistic abuse, is something else I've become aware of.

It's looking quite likely I've been subject to this.

 

I've heard very, very little from her and them over the last four days.But then she does have her elderly (very elderly) grandparents staying as they're looking to be rehoused locally and she's aiding that. I've just enquiries about when I can see the little one. Which I do want to do. How the child (Mia) misses me. As I do her. I put her to bed most nights, up until just a few weeks ago.

 

I feel we're desperately in need of a proper talk about all of this. Thats' what I intend to push for.

 

Yesterday was especially tough for me, as I clocked it is exactly a month away from our wedding day. I wondered around the shopping mall near my house like a shadow of my former self, until after 9pm. Bored. Lonely.

Within an hour I was two taps of my smartphone away from calling her. Calling and begging her to think again.

 

I never even did that as the original events played out.

Don't worry, I resisted. I know that not only would this be the final nail in the coffin of any reconciliation in the future, but I would feel dirty for the rest of my days. I'm starting to feel generally almost scared of calling her. In case I say or do something to make it all worse?

 

The contrast of all this to the lifelong commitment we were about to make to one another, plays on my mind all the time. I'm not sure I can ever recover from this.

[DanH]

Dan,

Well, why didn't she take the initiative to write them on her own then ???

Because she is lazy and TAKES YOU FOR GRANTED with everything.

When there is a disagreement, it's miraculously always YOUR fault and you always have to make amends. Childish 3-4 days of silent treatment !!?? Who does she think she is ??

 

To be fair, I wanted to do the invites.

 

She had put a lot of work herself into the wedding preparations. I can't pretend she hadn't.Crafting bits and bobs almost a year ago (such as table decorations etc) Indeed some of the family believe it was getting so much done, so early, that made the last 6 months seem rather empty in comparison for her?

 

I wanted to do the invites as thats my line of work and I knew people would expect them to be good because of it. though I'm a designer, I'm not a natural crafter ( I'm used to a mouse and marker pens more so0 I'm rather ham fisted when it comes to cutting and gluing. And not terribly practical either. Which is why it took my so, so long to get them right.

(she rejected my first few designs and prototypes..)

 

The 3-4 days (and longer.. over a week had been known) silences were unbearable. They really were. In fact, I'd become so accustomed to waiting them out, I think its contributed to my struggling to believe this break-up is the real thing..? Certainly for that first 2-3 weeks. Looking back, I adopted the same mindset and "waited it out" too. The whole boy who cried wolf angle. Especially as I'd not been given anything in the way of real reasoning and no more than a 10 minute conversation (at best) with the promise we would speak again in a couple of days.... which ultimately never came.

 

not this time anyway

 

Re: Dating again.....

My god. The thought of doing that just makes me go cold... Nothing could be furthest from my mind

[BluesPower]

Dan,

 

 

I know you are hurting so bad, but I want you to realize that you will get over the pain. It will take a while but it will happen.

 

 

Dan, you know, especially after the research that you have done, that she is bat **** crazy, right? You know that she was sleeping around on you for a while with one or several different men, right?

 

 

You have got to get the idea of any type of reconciliation out of your head. What would you have if she came back? You would have a bat **** crazy woman with possibly multiple personality disorders that has sleep around on you for god knows how long with god knows how many men.

 

 

She has used you and kicked you to the curb. You have to see this reality.

 

 

You need to continue to cut as much contact as you can with her. What do you really need to say to her anyway? Honestly man, I cannot think of anything I would want to say to a woman like that.

 

 

Get better and live your life, without her.

[Toodaloo]

I feel we're desperately in need of a proper talk about all of this. Thats' what I intend to push for.

 

You know if you try to have a sensible normal discussion with her she is going to throw everything back in your face don't you?

 

Why do you need to torture yourself?

[DanH]

You know if you try to have a sensible normal discussion with her she is going to throw everything back in your face don't you?

 

Why do you need to torture yourself?

 

.... It's hard to explain how I feel Toodaloo.

 

I feel like I've been played for a total mug, over the course of this break-up. In the dark about something so important; so life altering as the cancellation of our wedding.

 

I don't know that I'm going into this expecting a discussion per se...?

...she doesn't historically tend to "do them". Particularly when her own actions are being questioned. She says her piece, then retries to her corner and it tends to fall to me to prove myself somehow. The woman didn't even think it was my concern when she fell pregnant with my child in 2013 (she aborted the pregnancy, then told me about it 2 months later.. and only because she'd blurted it out in an argument about something else entirely. I was forbidden from ever bringing it up again from that day)

 

What I'm seeking is as much for the good of my own well being as much as anything else. I've gotten stronger this last week. Sleeping and eating slightly better too. Since she pulled that stunt on my the Sunday, and I handled it quite well. certainly better than she expected. I feel like I'm approaching an even ground on which to stand, act and speak from.

 

I'm expecting her to try and test me, emotionally. I need to at least try and promote some amount of respect back from her. For moving forward, in any respect. Assert myself, rather than being the victim.

 

I had care of our daughter for a few hours on Friday. We went out into twon for a while, shopping. When I had to return her the poor kid went very, very quiet. I hugged her and kissed her and told her how I loved her, so, so much and missed her and them all. She burst into tears ( I'm not sure I've ever seen that expression be more accurate in fact...) and called out ".... I wannnnt you baaaack!!" and that I'm her Dad.

 

NC isn't an option I feel, and neither is to slip away without having redressed some of the balance to the situation generally.

[NewLeaf512]

Dan

 

There are lots of wonderful age appropriate women in the UK who would love a man like you. Let a bad woman go and make room for someone fantastic!

 

NL

[LD1990]

NC isn't an option I feel, and neither is to slip away without having redressed some of the balance to the situation generally.

 

Yeah, lots of people say that. Then they find themselves just as miserable months down the road.

 

The fact that she got an abortion without discussing it with you, threw it out there in an argument, and then forbid you from ever speaking about it again is pretty ballsy on her part and shows that she really never respected you at all. By sitting there and taking it, you showed her that was OK. Well, you're not going to win some form of respect back now, much as you might want to try. She's moved on, she's with a new guy, you're not on her mind and she's not going to suddenly gain some new sense of respect for you.

 

The kid isn't yours and you were never married to the kid's mother, meaning regardless of how you feel, she isn't your kid. The mother could take her away at any point and never let you see her again, and at some point, she probably will. Better to end this ridiculous arrangement now than to suffer any longer.

[neowulf]

I had care of our daughter for a few hours on Friday. We went out into twon for a while, shopping. When I had to return her the poor kid went very, very quiet. I hugged her and kissed her and told her how I loved her, so, so much and missed her and them all. She burst into tears ( I'm not sure I've ever seen that expression be more accurate in fact...) and called out ".... I wannnnt you baaaack!!" and that I'm her Dad.

 

Dan, for what it's worth, I am so, so very sorry for your situation. Reading your story has cut me to the absolute bone. Sitting here fighting back tears.

 

Putting that little girl through this, tearing her away from the other father she's ever known. I can't begin to explain how much anger.. the cold rage I would be feeling in your situation.

 

Yet, you've held your head high and continued to remain civil in the face of all this. You're a god damn inspiration.

 

I don't have any words of advice, nothing that hasn't been offered by other, wiser, members of this forum, but you have my respect and my sympathies.

 

Take care and please post as often as you need.

[Toodaloo]

Dan

 

I am sorry to say that I think you have been taken for a mug. Sadly there are men and women out there that do this. It leaves those of us left behind picking up the pieces and confused as hell about what the heck just happened.

 

Truth is those people are such a mess anyway that there are no answers. People like us just have to learn how to accept it and move on.

 

Leaving your step kids behind sucks... really does.

 

Been where you are and it messed me up for over a decade. Still miss those children. I went and spoke to my ex for that "closure" thing that we all hanker for. As he spoke I realised that I actually didn't even like him all that much, pompus ass, rude, self centered and I was messed up and wasted all that time over that? I tell you Dan those were some really thick rose tinted glasses I had on.

 

Don't make my mistake. Take them off now and give yourself a chance to recover quicker than I did.

 

Thing is, those children will remember you and they will find you later. My old step children did... God it was good to speak to them again.

[DanH]

Again, thanks for the replies everyone...

Hope to post a bit more later today. But wanted to express my gratitude.

[Toodaloo]

Your welcome Dan.

 

I am sure that I am not the only one who has fingers crossed for you and hopes for you that it all sorts itself out.

 

Its horrible, its heart breaking, but it is what it is.

 

For me when I finally accepted that it was a massive weight off of my shoulders. I finally felt free. Up until then I was always blaming myself for the relationship ending and thought that if only I had tried harder or been better in some way...

 

This has nothing to do with the invites or anything else. The simple fact is that she doesn't want to be with you and has used up the parts of you she felt useful before discarding you. Sounds horrible doesn't it. That is probably because it is horrible and that is what she has done.

 

There is nothing more you can do here. the only thing you can do is concentrate on yourself and getting yourself back to a good place emotionally. Do not worry about those children. Like I said before, they will find you. Mine did despite a few house moves. Then when they are older you can still be there for them. Even if its just as a listening ear or someone who is always there for them. Give them the gift of time to find you again.

[DanH]

Your welcome Dan.

 

I am sure that I am not the only one who has fingers crossed for you and hopes for you that it all sorts itself out.

 

Its horrible, its heart breaking, but it is what it is.

 

For me when I finally accepted that it was a massive weight off of my shoulders. I finally felt free. Up until then I was always blaming myself for the relationship ending and thought that if only I had tried harder or been better in some way...

 

This has nothing to do with the invites or anything else. The simple fact is that she doesn't want to be with you and has used up the parts of you she felt useful before discarding you. Sounds horrible doesn't it. That is probably because it is horrible and that is what she has done.

 

.... My apologies for not stopping by here the last few days.

 

It's been another week of up and down for me. For the first few days I had accepted this, and begun to concentrate on myself much, much more. The very few interactions I've had with her were also becoming easier...

 

Last Monday I had our daughter all day whilst my ex took her grandparents home to North Wales ( a good three hour drive, then back obviously again) It was lovely to spend so much time alone, the two of us.

 

Mid point in the day though she mentioned her guitar lesson! Asked me about it. Nothing had been said to me. I text my ex (forcing myself to use that horrible two letter word, see?) and asked her about it. She responded in all of a panic. Mia was upset at the thought of missing it, and her Mum was all cussing "**** **** **** I forgot!! omg!!"

 

...I said not to worry. All I need was the location, a time and how much it costs. Just like during the relationship I just saved the day! drove her to the house first to pick up her guitar, then to the music school.. then all back around again. Got alovely message of thanks from my ex, with the first kiss at the end in weeks. To my shame, it made me feel so good.

 

I reminded her that I never let them down.

" you've let me down plenty lately Dan... but you never let the kids down and thats what counts"

 

...double edged there. The response in person later that evening was a bit more lukewarm. And of course, a few days later it's like it never happened.

Though Mia remembers.

[DanH]

I was much stronger most of last week.

However, I did check my ex's facebook. (she took me off as a friend, but not blocked me) Thursday night. In 8 weeks it's only the 3rd time I've done this.

So whilst I shouldn't have done it at all, I don't think thats too bad.

 

I instantly regretted it, as she had changed her profile pic to one of her standing next to this guy the night before at the salsa night. Seeing her in a couple shot with another man, was this weeks fresh gut punch. I haven't gone there since, as I know the relationship status update will be next etc. That really would be torturing myself.

 

As our Wedding date approaches (less than 3 weeks now) I've spiralled backwards a little. This has all happened so, so fast!!! 8 weeks on from telling me the wedding was off...

 

In comparison, my divorce i the mid 00's went on over 18 months, from initial "I don't love you anymore"... until the proper divorce coming through and it was another 6 months until my ex wife was in another relationship (the guy she left me for was on a plane to another country long before the divorce was finalised) This is just way way more intense and heart-breaking.

 

Though to her face I'm capable of being much stronger; more together and I know I look more like my old self. The reality is I have no life apart from the very little time I spend with my children. I am still on the beta blockers and anti-depressants. But thoughts of taking my own life do recur, and the panic attacks are on the increase since my little facebook error.

[DanH]

There are lots of wonderful age appropriate women in the UK who would love a man like you. Let a bad woman go and make room for someone fantastic

 

Bless you....

 

You know what, this may surprise people reading this thread.. but I'm not in much doubt about that. I never had any real problem meeting women before, and prefer the company of women to men in many ways socially.

 

Yet it does worry me that at 43 I shouldn't be single again.... should I...?

I'd put all those years and that work into a relationship with a woman who for the most part made me incredibly happy and want to be my best (even if i didn't always get it right) to have it fall at the very last fence before the altar. For a man considerably younger than me.

 

I feel a failure and a liability, when my ex is boasting how she now goes out every Friday night with him. Without fail. Now her eldest is 16 and legally can be left in charge of her siblings, getting a babysitter isn't an issue anymore. Makes it look like it was me holding her back? She's rearranged her work rotor and everything for this. We were saving to marry and start the new life. The difference is so stark, but as recently as mid june it was both our focus.

[DanH]

Dan, for what it's worth, I am so, so very sorry for your situation. Reading your story has cut me to the absolute bone. Sitting here fighting back tears.

 

Putting that little girl through this, tearing her away from the other father she's ever known. I can't begin to explain how much anger.. the cold rage I would be feeling in your situation.

 

Yet, you've held your head high and continued to remain civil in the face of all this. You're a god damn inspiration..

 

Thank you so much for this neowulf. I wish I was ... hope I can rise above it to be worthy of that comment.

 

I have tried to remain dignified and respectful and yes, civil. So when my ex has STILL reacted to third parties like my behaviour's been stalker-esque or obsessive... I just despair!! I've STILL got my key to her home. Haven't been there uninvited once. No blanket calls. No emails, and very few texts.

 

Don't get me wrong, I AM obsessed. I desperately want them back and my life's almost unbearably empty without them, but I'm doing my very, very best not to show it.

 

I have also, just the last week and a half, been growing increasingly angry as you have said. As I'm come out of the mist a little? Taken stock of what's been done to me and how, and the impact. That's even aside from the "cheating" and subsequent jealousy I feel. She has put us together as this family, and watched us all grow into eachothers lives and hearts... made the commitment to me and worked us all towards the goal: through some tough decisions and compromises and milestones in eachothers lives. Almost the entirety of Mia's life!! ... to, as you say, tear us away from eachother.

 

I STILL tell people I have 6 children. Call it habit? Maybe. But it's genuine. Those 6 faces float into my minds eye when someone asks me about my children.

[BluesPower]

Your only problem is that, like I used to, you suffer from white night syndrome, I think. You gravitate toward women that need saving.

 

I have done the same thing until recently.

 

I want you to remember what almost everyone here has said to you.

 

None, absolutely none and nothing, that your ex has done is your fault. None of it. She used and abused you in a horrible way. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

 

You need to internalize that for your own well being. You did nothing wrong.

 

Should you stay single??? I don't know, I think I might work on my own issues and grow stronger as a person. Then maybe you can find someone that loves you the proper way.

 

Their will be a woman out their that will love you and want to take care of you for a change.

 

I have to tell you that my life has changed in that way and it is wonderful so far. For me NOT to have to rush to the rescue and save the day is so wonderful. Believe it or not I am so messed up that it is hard for me to allow a women to actually take care of me. How messed up is that.

 

But I am learning and so will you.

 

Just move on, deal properly with the pain, never let her back into your live, and just live your life the best way that you can...

 

Good luck Dan.