Expressing insecurities vs. Being controlling

July 31, 2016

I've been in a number of relationships and most of those have been relationships where I've fully trusted my partner and had no insecurity or jealousy issues. There have been a couple though, where I did find that some of the actions of my partner did make me feel insecure. I don't want to go into details about what those were, I'm just looking more for what is a reasonable way to communicate those insecurities without being controlling.

And I also want to know what people's feeling have been on the other end; if your partner has expressed to you that certain things you were doing made them feel insecure in the relationship what was your response?

July 31, 2016

The only time I've ever felt insecure in a relationship was during the latter stages of my relationship with my sons mother. I even knew at the time that the reason for my insecurity was that our relationship was falling apart.

We were trying to hold on to something that simply wasn't there anymore!

Of course I was insecure, we were happier apart than together.

For me insecurity, on either end, means that theres something very wrong in your relationship and id take it as a warn flag of trouble ahead!

I would never get controlling and id never want to be controlled, I think you either have to fix the root of the problem or draw a line under the relationship.

July 31, 2016

Well, maybe I'm not very mature or something, but rather than voice every insecurity, I always found it more effective to mirror their actions and see how they liked it. You know, don't give more than you're getting. They're more likely to change if they're uncomfortable than if you are, I'll tell you that.

July 31, 2016

You should be able to speak up your insecurities without feeling any guilt or fear. If you cant , then you are not in the right relationship with the right person.Everyone has some kind of insecurities in a relationship and its called being human.

Super comfortable is a bad sign.

Its also about how you express your insecurities.Many times its the way you bring it up.It also depends upon how your partner sees it. What you find an issue and no matter how you put it, if you are with the wrong partner, they will point at you while if you are with your match, they will get it.What they do about it is a different story but if they are right for you, they will see from your pov and then you can solve it.

Super confident is usually a disguise.Confident is the balance one needs.Super confident ones usually are very controlling ,narcisstic and with a whole lot of issues.

I guess it comes down to who you are partnered with.Some people just get you within a short time while with some you spend a lot of time but they still dont get you.Those who get you ( and whom you get), you wouldnt have much issues expressing yourself and they will be open to you.The initial getting to know is the time when you know if that is the person or not who understands you.Once that hurdle is crossed, then you would know.

July 31, 2016

While controlling behavior is often rooted in insecurity, insecurity doesn't need to result in controlling behavior. We can recognize and acknowledge insecurity and use it as sign to dig deeper and tackle the source.

For example, if I feel insecure about my H talking to other women (hypothetical), the solution isn't for him to stop talking to other women. The solution is to address my insecurity. Why do I feel that way? Is there distance in our relationship? Disrespect? Am I feeling down about myself? If so, why? Focus on the source of the insecurity, not the symptom.

So, while there may be many ways he can support me in releasing the insecurity, not talking to other women wouldn't actually help at all.

July 31, 2016

While controlling behavior is often rooted in insecurity, insecurity doesn't need to result in controlling behavior. We can recognize and acknowledge insecurity and use it as sign to dig deeper and tackle the source.

For example, if I feel insecure about my H talking to other women (hypothetical), the solution isn't for him to stop talking to other women. The solution is to address my insecurity. Why do I feel that way? Is there distance in our relationship? Disrespect? Am I feeling down about myself? If so, why? Focus on the source of the insecurity, not the symptom.

So, while there may be many ways he can support me in releasing the insecurity, not talking to other women wouldn't actually help at all.

What if he was flirting with other women? Would that be different? Everybody has certain expectations as to what are healthy boundaries when you're in a relationship. What if your husband is doing things that fall outside of what you consider to be healthy boundaries in a relationship? Then is the insecurity still your problem? Or is it his behaviour that is unhealthy for your relationship? And how do you resolve that?

Edited July 31, 2016 by Weezy1973

July 31, 2016

What if he was flirting with other women? Would that be different? Everybody has certain expectations as to what are healthy boundaries when you're in a relationship. What if your husband is doing things that fall outside of what you consider to be healthy boundaries in a relationship? Then is the insecurity still your problem? Or is it his behaviour that is unhealthy for your relationship? And how do you resolve that?

This is Not an insecurity on your part. He is a douche bag. Flirting with other, no matter what the intention is, its a deal breaker for most normal people. In a committed relationship, there is no place for a third person. That is what it's called a couple -- 2 people.

You tell him it's a dealbreaker for you. What he does or doesn't do with that information, is how you go ahead.

July 31, 2016

What if he was flirting with other women? Would that be different? Everybody has certain expectations as to what are healthy boundaries when you're in a relationship. What if your husband is doing things that fall outside of what you consider to be healthy boundaries in a relationship? Then is the insecurity still your problem? Or is it his behaviour that is unhealthy for your relationship? And how do you resolve that?

If someone is doing something inappropriate, no, that's not insecurity. And it's not controlling to express a personal boundary of what you will and will not accept.

Still, the goal should never be to control the other partner. Would you want to be their mommy or warden? Never. In reality, these inappropriate behaviors are "red flags" to be explored. Why are they doing that? Do they really think it's ok? Would they be ok with you doing it? Are they doing it intentionally to cause hurt? Do they know it causes hurt? Those are the conversations I'd be having. I'm a BIG talker, digging deep, asking the difficult questions and wanting to hear the answers.

A lot of times, in an otherwise loving relationship, resentments are unearthed in these deep talks. It's good to get them out in the open and work through them. If both partners are willing to talk with open hearts and honesty (takes a lot of vulnerability and trust on both side), these are the talks that deepen intimacy. Of course, they are also the kinds of talks that can lead to a break up, if one or both are defensive, trying to "win", etc.

July 31, 2016

Maybe you could give us some examples?

See, the bad thing about certain situations is, we all have instinct - especially us women with our "women's instinct" - and, if you express that and have someone who won't come clean, they'll put it on you and make you crazy.

You gotta kinda not express it, not snoop on them, but address the behaviors - especially when they happen...otherwise, you're gonna come off as paranoid, controlling, etc.

For example, if your SO keeps on with the "working late" excuse. Ok, how do you know they're lying? Well, go "surprise" them on a night they're working late with some take out or something. And, there you go. You didn't accuse them blindly and come off as crazy/controlling, but you took measures to verify what they're saying.

I don't know, I just posted a long post about dude; and, I'm trying to give him the benefit of a doubt, but stuff isn't adding up. I believe I just have to let it go. If he's seeing someone else and even put off seeing me to be with her then why should I try to raise it with him? Just let him go cuz that's where he wants to be.

So, IMO, a lot of us already know the signs. So, there's no need to confront the person. Just let them go...they already were gonna leave you anyways. Why drag out the inevitable?

July 31, 2016

Maybe you could give us some examples?

See, the bad thing about certain situations is, we all have instinct - especially us women with our "women's instinct" - and, if you express that and have someone who won't come clean, they'll put it on you and make you crazy.

You gotta kinda not express it, not snoop on them, but address the behaviors - especially when they happen...otherwise, you're gonna come off as paranoid, controlling, etc.

For example, if your SO keeps on with the "working late" excuse. Ok, how do you know they're lying? Well, go "surprise" them on a night they're working late with some take out or something. And, there you go. You didn't accuse them blindly and come off as crazy/controlling, but you took measures to verify what they're saying.

I don't know, I just posted a long post about dude; and, I'm trying to give him the benefit of a doubt, but stuff isn't adding up. I believe I just have to let it go. If he's seeing someone else and even put off seeing me to be with her then why should I try to raise it with him? Just let him go cuz that's where he wants to be.

So, IMO, a lot of us already know the signs. So, there's no need to confront the person. Just let them go...they already were gonna leave you anyways. Why drag out the inevitable?

So did you break up with him?

So a couple examples -

1. When her most recent ex called her, she wouldn't talk to him in front of me and went into the other room. This is an ex that she openly admitted she was drawn to like a moth to a flame, even though it was a very unhealthy relationship. So he calls when we're sitting together in the living room (this is the first time they spoke since they broke up), she immediately jumps up and locks herself in the garage and has a 1/2 hour conversation. When she came back she said she knew it would make me insecure. To me, if you know your behaviour is going to hurt your partner, and then you go ahead and do it anyways, that's a bad sign. I should have broken up with her right then (this was about 4 months into it).

2. Her first serious ex (back when she was in her early 20s) recently got divorced and was visiting a city somewhat close to ours. He contacted her to see if she wanted to get together (they have been sporadically in touch for the last 10 years or so). Her first instinct would be for just her and him to get together for the weekend. Alone. Without me. So I didn't even say to her that this to me was outside of boundaries for a healthy relationship. Mentally I just decided I would break up with her as soon as it became viable. And then I did.

There were also a bunch of little things - she continued to see a number of her former lovers one on one, she kept Facebook friends with a man that had contacted her through a dating site before we met and was pretty open about his interest towards her, and she just generally didn't share my views of what was healthy in terms of boundaries in a relationship.

July 31, 2016

So did you break up with him?

So a couple examples -

1. When her most recent ex called her, she wouldn't talk to him in front of me and went into the other room. This is an ex that she openly admitted she was drawn to like a moth to a flame, even though it was a very unhealthy relationship. So he calls when we're sitting together in the living room (this is the first time they spoke since they broke up), she immediately jumps up and locks herself in the garage and has a 1/2 hour conversation. When she came back she said she knew it would make me insecure. To me, if you know your behaviour is going to hurt your partner, and then you go ahead and do it anyways, that's a bad sign. I should have broken up with her right then (this was about 4 months into it).

2. Her first serious ex (back when she was in her early 20s) recently got divorced and was visiting a city somewhat close to ours. He contacted her to see if she wanted to get together (they have been sporadically in touch for the last 10 years or so). Her first instinct would be for just her and him to get together for the weekend. Alone. Without me. So I didn't even say to her that this to me was outside of boundaries for a healthy relationship. Mentally I just decided I would break up with her as soon as it became viable. And then I did.

There were also a bunch of little things - she continued to see a number of her former lovers one on one, she kept Facebook friends with a man that had contacted her through a dating site before we met and was pretty open about his interest towards her, and she just generally didn't share my views of what was healthy in terms of boundaries in a relationship.

Well, I or anyone can't make this decision for you, but seems like she's a moth that likes a lot of flames.

See, thing is, with people like her, you're not gonna ever get the truth from them. If something walks, talks, and/or smells like a duck - it's probably a duck and sitting around waiting for the duck to tell you its a duck is usually a futile effort.

Wishing you well in whatever decision you make.

July 31, 2016

Well, I or anyone can't make this decision for you, but seems like she's a moth that likes a lot of flames.

See, thing is, with people like her, you're not gonna ever get the truth from them. If something walks, talks, and/or smells like a duck - it's probably a duck and sitting around waiting for the duck to tell you its a duck is usually a futile effort.

Wishing you well in whatever decision you make.

Yup exactly. I broke up with her a few months ago. It's more for future reference; how do you express these insecurities without sounding controlling. In other words, telling someone that if they keep doing what they're doing, you're going to end it, but not have it sound like an ultimatum. I mean, ultimately you want the other person to care about your feelings, and that be the reason they change their behaviours.

July 31, 2016

Yup exactly. I broke up with her a few months ago. It's more for future reference; how do you express these insecurities without sounding controlling. In other words, telling someone that if they keep doing what they're doing, you're going to end it, but not have it sound like an ultimatum. I mean, ultimately you want the other person to care about your feelings, and that be the reason they change their behaviours.

Why not have it sound like an ultimatum? What's wrong with an ultimatum? In other words, it's a hard and fast boundary. A deal breaker. A limit. Everyone should have personal limits and not feel guilty about holding them. Lots of people would be really turned off by the behaviors she's demonstrated and start detaching early on, because her behaviors are destructive to relationships.

The last sentence, where you want her to care about your feelings enough to change, made me think. Do you have a pattern of being attracted to women whose love you need to "earn"? Does that feed the attraction for you?

July 31, 2016

Yup exactly. I broke up with her a few months ago. It's more for future reference; how do you express these insecurities without sounding controlling. In other words, telling someone that if they keep doing what they're doing, you're going to end it, but not have it sound like an ultimatum. I mean, ultimately you want the other person to care about your feelings, and that be the reason they change their behaviours.

There is also something to be said for just quietly observing their behaviours and letting that reflect on who they are and what their morals are.

Dating is about getting to know a person and to see if their morals and ethics are compatible with ours. Sometimes, it's better to simply accept incompatibility and move on than to hope they will change.

The equation depends on how many incompatibilities there are and how severe they are.

July 31, 2016

Why not have it sound like an ultimatum? What's wrong with an ultimatum? In other words, it's a hard and fast boundary. A deal breaker. A limit. Everyone should have personal limits and not feel guilty about holding them. Lots of people would be really turned off by the behaviors she's demonstrated and start detaching early on, because her behaviors are destructive to relationships.

The last sentence, where you want her to care about your feelings enough to change, made me think. Do you have a pattern of being attracted to women whose love you need to "earn"? Does that feed the attraction for you?

Yup - there's nothing wrong with "I am not OK with this" If the behaviour continues, they can't say they weren't warned......

July 31, 2016

In regards to how to express that you'll end it if a behavior continues, "____________ is unacceptable to me. It's a deal breaker for me. Can you accept that?"

July 31, 2016

Yup exactly. I broke up with her a few months ago. It's more for future reference; how do you express these insecurities without sounding controlling. In other words, telling someone that if they keep doing what they're doing, you're going to end it, but not have it sound like an ultimatum. I mean, ultimately you want the other person to care about your feelings, and that be the reason they change their behaviours.

Agreed, can't just break up with someone without letting them know what's going on, cuz for all you know, they had no idea what's going on in your head.

COMMUNICATION.

I believe that's the same issue I'm having with dude. We don't communicate properly and most of it is done via texting. So, I think we both assume things and since we don't let the other person know, we end up fighting.

Well, how to express without coming off as controlling or something else? IMO, you have to address the facts of what happened, how you perceive it, and let them know your perception is affecting the RL.

For example, when she went off to talk to the ex, ask her why she believed she needed to have a private conversation with an ex, because that isn't something you would do. If she says that she doesn't have an issue with it, and she will continue doing it. Then, you have your answer there.

Now, it would be another thing if you just told her, "Hey, if you ever talk to your ex again in private, we're over. Now that's an ultimatum. Worst, you didn't even discuss it. You just played judge/jury/and executioner.

Another example? About her guy friends on Fakebook? You say "Hey, I notice that you have a lot of guys you've dated on your FB - who seem to still have a romantic interest in you. When I'm serious with someone, I don't think it's appropriate to continue contacts with people that still have romantic interest me." And, again, see what she says. If she continues it, then you have your answer.

Now, it would be wrong to be like "I want you to stop talking to other guys on FB or we're over".

But it's as simple as xxoo says, you describe the behavior, allow her an opportunity to see your point of view, listen to her response and wait. If she does it again, you told her - and, it's over.

See, guilty people often like to switch blame. So, when you call them on their crap, they call you crazy, controlling, insecure. Whenever someone tries to flip the script on you, IMO, even an ultimatum is a waste of time. They know what they're doing, you brought it to their attention and they're trying to make feel bad/guilty/or crazy.

July 31, 2016

In regards to how to express that you'll end it if a behavior continues, "____________ is unacceptable to me. It's a deal breaker for me. Can you accept that?"

Right. Exactly true, but the problem with this past one was that I knew she would just be the type of person that would still do these things behind my back. She was very open with it, I did express that they made me feel insecure and I felt they were bad for the relationship. She didn't agree and just said it was who she was. I tried to do some mental gymnastics to be okay with it, but that never works, and then when I came back to my senses, I broke up with her because we were incompatible. It was only nine months..

The last sentence, where you want her to care about your feelings enough to change, made me think. Do you have a pattern of being attracted to women whose love you need to "earn"? Does that feed the attraction for you?

I'm going to a therapist now to see my part in these relationships. I've had both what I'd call healthy relationships and also unhealthy ones like the one I've described. And, without a doubt, I felt more attraction and stronger feelings for the women that I had the most unhealthy relationships with. That's really good insight xxoo; thanks.

August 1, 2016

It's also likely that you get emotionally invested quickly. Insecurities are normal when you are emotionally invested while have no worries when things are casual or you don't see a serious relationship in the future.

Relationships are a two way street. If one doesn't care about your feelings or has loose to non boundaries, don't invest in them.

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Expressing insecurities vs. Being controlling

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