blakebatum Posted July 31, 2016 Posted July 31, 2016 Thanks for reading!! My situation is so complicated. My ex and I are both girls, we lived together and have been hiding our relationship from friends and family for two years. Recently her mum moved to our city and so we had to live together, pretending to be good "friends". But her mum doesn't like me, then, I became very distant with her. About five weeks in, she cheated emotionally, then they kissed and hugged in bed, but that is as far as it went. Apparently, they are just friends now. After we broke up, we still had sex a few times, but she was always firm on not getting back together anytime soon. She did say there's chance for three years later. I figured that that's when her mum would leave and when I gruaduate. I don't know if her mum is holding her back, or if she just selfishly want me to love her for three years. [The NC Questions] After one and a half months after the breakup, she doesn't reject my kisses anymore, but she does't respond either. And that's when I finally decided I needed to start the NC. Today is the 6th day, I'm ok with 30 days NC, but from the 20th day of NC, her mum is going to be away for 10 days. I see it as the only time possible for us to be together and sort things out. She haven't talked to me since NC, but she has liked and commented on almost all of my posts, and also on posts where I have commented. I've strictly not talked or replied to her. What is she thinking and what should I do?
Zahara Posted July 31, 2016 Posted July 31, 2016 (edited) I'm confused. She cheated on you, you two broke up but you were still there giving goodies away? She told you that there's no chance of getting back together - maybe in three years, which is preposterous. No one can see into the future and make that sort of guarantees. Now you want to go creeping back again to test the waters? I'm not sure why you'd pay attention to silly FB and posts when the important fact to pay attention to is that she cheated and she ended it with you. Pick up your self- respect and dignity and move on. There's nothing to sort out. Edited July 31, 2016 by Zahara 3
heartfeltlove Posted July 31, 2016 Posted July 31, 2016 Thanks for reading!! My situation is so complicated. My ex and I are both girls, we lived together and have been hiding our relationship from friends and family for two years. Recently her mum moved to our city and so we had to live together, pretending to be good "friends". But her mum doesn't like me, then, I became very distant with her. About five weeks in, she cheated emotionally, then they kissed and hugged in bed, but that is as far as it went. Apparently, they are just friends now. After we broke up, we still had sex a few times, but she was always firm on not getting back together anytime soon. She did say there's chance for three years later. I figured that that's when her mum would leave and when I gruaduate. I don't know if her mum is holding her back, or if she just selfishly want me to love her for three years. [The NC Questions] After one and a half months after the breakup, she doesn't reject my kisses anymore, but she does't respond either. And that's when I finally decided I needed to start the NC. Today is the 6th day, I'm ok with 30 days NC, but from the 20th day of NC, her mum is going to be away for 10 days. I see it as the only time possible for us to be together and sort things out. She haven't talked to me since NC, but she has liked and commented on almost all of my posts, and also on posts where I have commented. I've strictly not talked or replied to her. What is she thinking and what should I do? If you are still seeing her and she is still commenting/liking, then it's not No Contact. There really isn't a way of finding out what she is thinking and to be honest, if you are wanting to establish No Contact, that is neither your priority, nor concern. You need to block every form of any way you can connect. It means blocking her and preventing her from gaining access to anything you say, or like, or comment on, or anything. If that's not possible, I suggest you do what I once had to do with a vicious person I used to know. Delete your profile and abandon it for a good 6 months.
Author blakebatum Posted August 1, 2016 Author Posted August 1, 2016 I'm confused. She cheated on you, you two broke up but you were still there giving goodies away? She told you that there's no chance of getting back together - maybe in three years, which is preposterous. No one can see into the future and make that sort of guarantees. Now you want to go creeping back again to test the waters? I'm not sure why you'd pay attention to silly FB and posts when the important fact to pay attention to is that she cheated and she ended it with you. Pick up your self- respect and dignity and move on. There's nothing to sort out. We're each other's first love. We had a really great relationship before her mum jumped in, and I sort of feel like her cheating was because I was very, extremely cold to her for a months or two, plus I was close with my best friend (whom she thinks I have feelings for). I'm so certain she still has feelings for me. And I don't mind looking past her "cheating", but I'm just not sure what's going on with her thoughts. I actually want her back. Coming from a very confident person with strong dignity, I really don't know what's going on with me right now. I just can't erase my feelings for her.
Author blakebatum Posted August 1, 2016 Author Posted August 1, 2016 If you are still seeing her and she is still commenting/liking, then it's not No Contact. There really isn't a way of finding out what she is thinking and to be honest, if you are wanting to establish No Contact, that is neither your priority, nor concern. You need to block every form of any way you can connect. It means blocking her and preventing her from gaining access to anything you say, or like, or comment on, or anything. If that's not possible, I suggest you do what I once had to do with a vicious person I used to know. Delete your profile and abandon it for a good 6 months. But if I do that, how can I ever get her back? She'll just forget about me and move on. No?
Zahara Posted August 1, 2016 Posted August 1, 2016 We're each other's first love. We had a really great relationship before her mum jumped in, and I sort of feel like her cheating was because I was very, extremely cold to her for a months or two, plus I was close with my best friend (whom she thinks I have feelings for). I'm so certain she still has feelings for me. And I don't mind looking past her "cheating", but I'm just not sure what's going on with her thoughts. I actually want her back. Coming from a very confident person with strong dignity, I really don't know what's going on with me right now. I just can't erase my feelings for her. We've all had first loves but it doesn't justify chasing them after they've cheated and dumped us. There is never a reason to cheat. When you start making excuses for bad behavior, you'll start conditioning yourself to accept poor treatment. When two people in a relationship experience strife, the communicate, they don't cheat. Stop projecting. She's telling you she doesn't want to be together. She's placing a huge wall - 3 years between you. What does that tell you? Even if she has feelings, it's not enough to go anywhere else with you. Letting go is a very difficult thing to do and often times we talk ourselves into staying around by making excuses - there's still feelings, overlook cheating, we can make it work, etc. Of course you can't shake her off your mind, you've hardly invested anytime with NC and truly healing. And it's not your responsibility to win her over. It's hers. She is the one that ended it. You don't chase someone that discarded the relationship. It's up to them to realize its value and come to you. 3
Author blakebatum Posted August 1, 2016 Author Posted August 1, 2016 We've all had first loves but it doesn't justify chasing them after they've cheated and dumped us. There is never a reason to cheat. When you start making excuses for bad behavior, you'll start conditioning yourself to accept poor treatment. When two people in a relationship experience strife, the communicate, they don't cheat. Stop projecting. She's telling you she doesn't want to be together. She's placing a huge wall - 3 years between you. What does that tell you? Even if she has feelings, it's not enough to go anywhere else with you. Letting go is a very difficult thing to do and often times we talk ourselves into staying around by making excuses - there's still feelings, overlook cheating, we can make it work, etc. Of course you can't shake her off your mind, you've hardly invested anytime with NC and truly healing. And it's not your responsibility to win her over. It's hers. She is the one that ended it. You don't chase someone that discarded the relationship. It's up to them to realize its value and come to you. I know.... to be honest, I really know that that's the reality. But i'm so tortured everyday and I don't know how to react. I don't know how to give her up either. I have a reckless couple of months and it doesn't seem to get better.
elaine567 Posted August 1, 2016 Posted August 1, 2016 People who split up, especially when young and with first romances, often do not want to think that this is THE END, so they say things that comfort each other and give themselves hope. Now is not the right time for us, but we will meet in the future and have all those things we talked about - the kids, the house, the dog... Here your gf talks about "in three years time". BUT people do not really mean that, people who want to be in relationships stay in relationships, people who want to go out and meet other people break up, and once broken up they do not often want to truly come back, no matter what they may say about "the future"... She just wants you hanging around besotted as plan B, so if she finds she is at a loose end she can pick you up again, no doubt to dump you again, when she is not happy again. 2
Zahara Posted August 1, 2016 Posted August 1, 2016 I know.... to be honest, I really know that that's the reality. But i'm so tortured everyday and I don't know how to react. I don't know how to give her up either. I have a reckless couple of months and it doesn't seem to get better. Endings are torturous. Not just for you but for each and everyone who has suffered disappointment and heartbreak. I know how you feel. The only way to get past it is to go through it. Often times we hold on because we are afraid to face finality, our truth and even worse, those excruciating emotions. There's no other way but to face them. Your reality is that this woman does not want to be with you anymore. There is no alternative. Strict NC. Suffer the pain. Lean on your friends and family. Find support in those that love you. She has nothing left to give you. Infact, I have a strong feeling she's still with this "friend" or moving on from you. Trying to rope her back in and remind her of your existence is 1) going to push her even further away 2) tear you apart and keep you in indefinite pain. 1
PegNosePete Posted August 1, 2016 Posted August 1, 2016 She haven't talked to me since NC, but she has liked and commented on almost all of my posts, and also on posts where I have commented. I've strictly not talked or replied to her. What is she thinking and what should I do? What you should do, is do NC properly. If she's commenting and liking your posts then you haven't blocked her. You're still getting contact from her. So you're not in NC at all. Don't do NC to get her back, it won't work. Don't do NC for 30 days, it's pointless. Do NC forever, for you to move on. She's made it quite clear that the relationship is over so you have to accept that and move on.
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