impasse Posted July 31, 2016 Posted July 31, 2016 I'm 32 w/6 kids, divorced with no contact for 7 years. My kids have been with my parents for a week, and have another week left. Dad isn't in the picture so my parents take them for a couple weeks every summer so I get a longer break. I have been using the time to relax and do things that I don't usually get to do. I have gone on 2-3 (not sure the first one counted) dates with a man who I met online on a website geared for single parents. He is 41 and has one child who is a teenager. At this point I'm getting unsure about how to handle things. The two issues that I have are discussing who fathered my kids and sex. The last man I went out with I slept with right away, and never heard from him again. Prior to that I refused to sleep with a man before the 3rd date and that didn't get me far either because men said they didn't want to waste time if we weren't compatible. We have not had sex, that's not to say he hasn't tried. He's put the offer out there. We've kissed but that's it. Is there a perfect time to have sex? I don't feel ready yet, or it hasn't felt right yet. The other issue, which is larger to me, is discussing who fathered my kids. He has asked about their dad, such as if they share a father and if he is in their lives. I have told him that they all have the same father and he's not in their lives, and I haven't spoken to him in 7 years. He seemed relieved. I could tell he wanted more but I don't want to tell him more at this point and scare him off. What's worse? Him thinking I'm hiding something or telling him of my past?
Ami1uwant Posted July 31, 2016 Posted July 31, 2016 (edited) On sex...wait till you have gone out a few times and he knows your situation. Edited July 31, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator rude~T 1
Gaeta Posted July 31, 2016 Posted July 31, 2016 If he likes you as in really likes you, he'll accept your story. I remember last year going on 3 dates with this hot man. On our 3rd date (after sex) he said he needed to tell me something. He did not have only 1 daughter as he had told me, in had 15 children with 5 different women. There was a big silence. I looked at his perfect body next to me and I said: OK. I don't have a problem with that. :-) 5
bachdude Posted July 31, 2016 Posted July 31, 2016 So what exactly is it about your children's farther you are not wanting to share with him because you are afraid that information will scare him off?
Dis Posted July 31, 2016 Posted July 31, 2016 (edited) Never rush sex. If you really think about it...you've been on 3 dates with this guy...so he's almost a stranger...of course you dont feel comfortable yet hun. Have sex when your ready...and if that means like guy doesnt want to stick around and wait....then he wasnt the right one for you As far as telling your date about your ex husband. That is a very tough subject so wait until you've built trust with a guy before you tell him about that. That could take months....but dont rush it. I've had a difficult past too and I only talk to my dates about it after months have passed Best of luck to you hun!!! Save Edited July 31, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator response to deleted post ~T 1
Author impasse Posted July 31, 2016 Author Posted July 31, 2016 So what exactly is it about your children's farther you are not wanting to share with him because you are afraid that information will scare him off? He was extremely abusive (physically, mentally, sexually) and controlling towards me. He pushed to have baby after baby and controlled everything that I did. Now I have a restraining order against him and he's in prison. He won't be released for at least 5 more years before he's eligible for parole, it's unrelated to my family directly but a serious crime. I feel like that would scare anyone off. It's definitely not something I want to share, but I know he's wanting more than "they have the same dad, he's not in their lives". If he likes you as in really likes you, he'll accept your story. if that means like guy doesnt want to stick around and wait....then he wasnt the right one for you Both of you are right. If he ends it because I didn't sleep with him soon enough or didn't tell him something soon enough, or what I told him, he wasn't the right man. I have to try and remember that. I didn't do anything wrong, he just wasn't the right one. 3
joseb Posted July 31, 2016 Posted July 31, 2016 If he likes you as in really likes you, he'll accept your story. I remember last year going on 3 dates with this hot man. On our 3rd date (after sex) he said he needed to tell me something. He did not have only 1 daughter as he had told me, in had 15 children with 5 different women. There was a big silence. I looked at his perfect body next to me and I said: OK. I don't have a problem with that. :-) Gaeta, I'm bookmarking this and am going to link to it the next time there is a thread claiming looks are not the be all and end all for women ! 6
bachdude Posted July 31, 2016 Posted July 31, 2016 It sounds like you've been through a lot. You've been a strong individual so I'm sure you have personal traits a lot of guys would be drawn to. If your ex is in prison for a violent crime or a crime committed with a weapon, I think a man dating you does have a right to know before he becomes overly invested because this could be perceived as pertaining to his personal safety. That doesn't mean you have to tell him right away. I'd wait until he shows he is interested in you and not just for sex. And I'd wait to say something for those relationships that show real potential for developing into something meaningful. In other words, don't open your personal diary for just any guy here. But I wouldn't wait either to the point where the guy has become emotionally attached it will put him in a situation where he has to be hurt to end the relationship with you if he chooses not to continue. There is no definite answer to"when". You will have to use your intuition. I wish you the best on this! 1
morrowrd Posted July 31, 2016 Posted July 31, 2016 (edited) I remember reading your story a few weeks ago. It's one that stuck with me....I have shared your story with my girlfriend (a year ago, escaped from an abusive relationship, we've known each other 12 years and ended up together - story in itself), and my co worker. Her situation reminded me slightly of yours, which was why your post was interesting. Again, I wanted to congratulate you on your courage, and wish you happiness as you start dating. Anyway, back to the present.....the online dating world is tricky, and I discovered myself that its so easy to get into the cycle of dating and sleeping with people before a relationship is established. What happened, to me, is once we began having sex, the other person starts to bond, (female in my case) and for me an icky feeling began to creep over me as I would not have the same bonding going on. I hardly would know this person and the desire to cut them off becomes so strong, I couldn't get away fast enough. The other person is left with, wtf did I do, and would want to talk, but I couldn't. All I wanted was out. In your case, you have six children, limited free time so I'm sure the temptation is there. Please keep in mind the price you might pay for getting yourself into a situation where feelings begin to emerge before you really know who you're with. Lastly, I do understand. Remember you're young, 32 is still prime time....you will meet a man who will feel lucky to have your attention and affections, and will accept the whole package. However, you will need to be patient to find that person. Edited July 31, 2016 by morrowrd
leogirl876 Posted July 31, 2016 Posted July 31, 2016 If a guy moves on after a couple dates and you haven't had sex with him, he's not worth your time and would've moved on after you had sex. Sex won't keep a man around, and if he leaves after a couple dates without sex, he would've left a couple dates after sex. Be glad you didn't waste your time, or your body on a jerk who was trying to use you for sex. I have found the men that pressured me into sex and I gave in, left shortly after I gave it up, but the men who didn't pressure me and were fine with waiting until I was ready were the men that I had long relationships with. Only have sex when you're ready, not when he's ready. 2
Timshel Posted July 31, 2016 Posted July 31, 2016 I want to ask you, because you are very concerned with his judgement/feelings about you..... What is this guy's story? Is he a good person and father? Is he worthy of your attention/affection/sex? You have 6 children and have overcome an abusive marriage. What would this man bring to the table of your family's life? Your opinion about him and whether or not he would or could enrich your life and your children's life is equally important. Please do not think that having sex with a man is required after a few dates in order to have a chance with him. If you want casual sex then have casual sex and he need not have any influence on your family or day to day life or any personal/historical information beyond safe sex. For a long term and love relationship, you only need one man impasse and he should be a very stand up man.
Lois_Griffin Posted July 31, 2016 Posted July 31, 2016 I was a member of the forums on POF when I was doing OLD and one of the most common things I read over and over and over in those forums was how guys would target single mothers specifically for sex. So many of these guys believe these single moms are so lonely for the touch of a man that they're prime candidates for 'hit and runs.' A lot of them also posted that they didn't see them as 'long term girlfriend material' but they DID see them as women they'd have sex with. I have to assume there are guys out there with this mentality and that it can't JUST be the cretins on the POF forums. Please just bear that in mind. As far as telling any guy the truth of your ex, I'd make sure he was planning on sticking around, first. 2
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