I walked in on him....

July 31, 2016

I married my husband 3 years ago. Now looking back it was a stupid choice. I don't even know how to wrap my head around what I know now. The 7 years we have been together have been a lie. I'm 26, he's 32. We have 4 kids together. My 11 year old that I had previously and 3 together, under 5.

I was away for two weeks visiting family, I was supposed to get back home Monday but I came home early. When I got home he had another women in my home, in my bed. I just stood there in shock. I didn't know what to do. The (I'll refrain from calling her what I want to) women freaked out but knew who I was. My husband tried to sell me that it was the first time it happened.

I went through his facebook and emails. He had a lot of messages to other women since 2008!! Ex's, random women, friends. Sending and receiving nudes. He talked about me and said I didn't dress up enough, that he's not attracted to me when I'm pregnant, that I'm not good with certain sex things. He shared some really intimate details about our marriage. To one woman (an ex) he even shared extremely personal details about ME. He even said that he wished I didn't have my oldest child, who is not his but he has always been fatherly to her and adopted her.

I gave this man my life. I married younger than I should have. I moved across the world so he could be with his family. To a country that I didn't know, didn't understand a word, didn't know anyone. I gave up my schooling and having a career to follow him. I'm in my last pregnancy and my husband just got a vasectomy. I think he's been going bareback when he sleeps with other women because since he had a vasectomy he has been wearing condoms when we have sex. He said they made him last longer and he could enjoy it more.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do here. I can't wrap my head about everything I know now. I can't believe this is happening to me and my marriage. I'm not ready to give up on my marriage but the whole thing is based on lies.

My daughters 12th birthday is coming very soon and I don't want our whole lives to come crashing down before then. It's a big birthday for her. She's extremely sensitive to everything that goes on around her.

I don't even know what to tell my husband or what to say to him. I feel like I don't even know him. Do I tell him I looked through all his stuff? Do I wait for him to admit what he's been doing? Is there any way to come back from this?

I don't even know how to begin the leave. We live across the world, I don't have close friends here, I still struggle with the language, my mom passed away last year and my dad isn't doing well. I haven't finished school, haven't worked in years. Everything we have is shared. I'd have nothing and no one. I don't know how I'd raise 4, 5 next month, kids on my own, I struggle some days and I have his support and help. My husband would probably stay here so I don't even know if I could move back home because he'd get custody.

It doesn't even feel real yet. I just want to wake up from this nightmare and erase the image of him screwing another woman. A younger, prettier woman.

July 31, 2016

You're in the driver's seat. You don't have to make quick or permanent decisions. It generally takes many months to get your wits about you. Be patient with yourself.

I'd see an attorney. Many will at least do a free consultation. You need to know your options.

July 31, 2016

Sorry to hear this. It's awful, and that feeling of your loved one being a total stranger is all too common.

What I did was say " i'm going to ask you some questions I already know the answers to, so don't lie."

He will lie anyway, and then you can tell him the truth, and then ask another question you already know the answer to.

After a few of these, she pretty much understood that the jig was up and that it was safer to tell me the truth.

July 31, 2016

I moved across the world so he could be with his family. To a country that I didn't know, didn't understand a word, didn't know anyone.

Since I assume you're not in the US, you'll need to understand family and divorce law in the country you reside. As mentioned, it starts with a lawyer.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do here. I can't wrap my head about everything I know now. I can't believe this is happening to me and my marriage. I'm not ready to give up on my marriage but the whole thing is based on lies.

Other than his "first time" claim, you don't mention your husband or his reaction since D-Day. Does he also want to work on the marriage? Have you discussed MC with him? Is he remorseful, willing to be transparent and make amends?

I don't know how I'd raise 4, 5 next month, kids on my own

I'll just say "wow"!

Given the history you've uncovered, fidelity might be a big ask. Sorry you're posting here under these circumstances...

Mr. Lucky

Edited July 31, 2016 by Mr. Lucky

July 31, 2016

I'll have to try and find a lawyer that speaks English... I haven't looked into it a lot yet. I'm still trying to come to terms with it. It feels like a dream. A horrible, horrible dream.

The reading that I have done makes it seem that if he agrees to divorce it will be easy but will take 3 years.... If he doesn't agree though it seems like it will be a huge battle, very expensive and takes 5 years to be finalized.... And there has to be a very good reason. Like he murdered someone. I can't even concentrate right now which makes it hard to wrap my head around it.

Immediately afterwards he was apologizing left and right, saying it was only once and only because he was stressed at work and it was different without me being home, asking what he could do for me and generally "kissing my ass". I asked if he wanted a divorce and he said no and he'd do anything to fix the marriage. I believe him until I snooped and found what he's really been doing. It's not only that he cheated, it's that he shared extremely, extremely personal details about our marriage and me. Reading him tell other women how much sexier they are than me and how much better they are, I don't know how I can come back from that.

He doesn't know that I know what I know. I don't want to tell him because I want to pretend it isn't true. I don't know if I can hear it from him that it's true OR hear him lie when I know it's true.

July 31, 2016

Maybe he's telling the truth that it only happened once and blah, blah blah, but to me, the real truth is what he wrote the other women and told him very personal stuff. That in itself should tell you his real feelings.

If it was me I would have nothing to do with him and when he's giving you the I'm sorry routine, then you let him know about what he texted to the other women and lay it out in front of him, then ask if the shoe was on the other foot how he would feel.

July 31, 2016

Tell him you will stay with him if you can move back to the U.S. If he can't go right away, you and the children can go and he can follow. At least here, you would have support and if you do divorce him, you will most likely come out better than where you are (from how you describe the process).

I agree with Mr. Lucky. Fidelity will be a big ask and it sure doesn't sound promising. Concentrate on protecting yourself and children first.

I am so sorry you are in this position. How terrible this must be for you. Try very hard to keep it together and to position yourself in the best possible position you can for yourself.

July 31, 2016

Tell him you will stay with him if you can move back to the U.S. If he can't go right away, you and the children can go and he can follow. At least here, you would have support and if you do divorce him, you will most likely come out better than where you are (from how you describe the process).

I totally agree that OP should come back to the US to have a better chance if she decides to leave him and keep her kids - but telling him about going to the states is just going to put him on alert - and he seems like an ass.

Maybe OP for now you can take time to process this and not tell him what you know and act as normally as you can for someone who just experienced what you're experiencing, then in 2 months of so, tell him that your dad (who you already said isn't feeling well) really isn't feeling well now and that you want to go see him and that you want your kids to see their grandpa too - then when you get to the states with your kids - you can tell your husband whatever it is you want to tell him and whatever it is you decide - at least that way you'll be in the states where you have a better chance at getting custody and you'll have some family and friends and gov't programs that can help you.

Then your husband can decide what he wants to do.

July 31, 2016

The issue with going back to the US is that we were married in this country and I was granted dual citizenship last year. So from what I have read it will be processed through their law. There seems to be so many other rules to go along with it. I have to drop my married name. After age 10 kids decide who they live with. My husband isn't the biological father for my oldest but he adopted her, she could decide to live with him. My kids citizenship's are all over the place. It just a ****ing s**t show.... Divorce has only been an option here for something like 30 years.

I need to think it out and be able to comprehend what is going on. It hasn't really hit me yet. I'm so unbelievably stressed.

I'm so hurt. He betrayed every part of our relationship. I just want him to admit what he's done and say he'll stop. Even then I don't know if I could get over it and trust him again. It's so much worse that it wasn't "just" sex.

Maybe I should try and find a marriage counselor and see if he will go

July 31, 2016

I just want him to admit what he's done and say he'll stop. Even then I don't know if I could get over it and trust him again. It's so much worse that it wasn't "just" sex.

Maybe I should try and find a marriage counselor and see if he will go

Please make a lift of all the reasons you would want to continue with someone who has been so disrespectful of you.

I can't believe you would want to work on a marriage with someone like this...

July 31, 2016

Oh darling, I'm so sorry...

Your situation is so terribly rotten, I'm not sure what to say to you!

Just that it made me physically nauseous and that there are many more here with greater wisdom than I to guide you.

Let me say this, that as horrendous as it is, your children depend hugely on you, and your imminent newborn will need his/her Mummy too, so let them keep you above water while you try to work forward.

As is often said, post your innermost thoughts here, and take the advice that suits you.

This is an enormously stressful time for you anyway, with a late pregnancy.

Do you have a friend you can rely on to offer a little support?

I'm so terribly sorry, this is just awful...

Cuckoo x

July 31, 2016

In my opinion, you should be completely frank and open with him about what you know. You have to be real about this because it IS real. He is a liar, a cheater and a lowdown rat, because he is sucking up to you - but still lying. That means he believes you are an idiot, and thinks that you are dumb enough to believe his lies. So what he is doing, is not being remorseful and contrite. What he is doing is manipulating you into a position where you will forgive him, so that he can then resume pulling the wool over your eyes. He has insulted you time and again to other women, and even insulted your beautiful eldest child. He sounds positively hateful to be honest.

I expect you feel you don't know him at all, and I guess that's what is so shocking. You still do not reveal what language your husband speaks or where you are.

You state you have to find an English-speaking lawyer.

In the First Place, in your shoes, I would contact your Embassy for a referral. Then find a lawyer, then serve him papers and tell him what you know, and that there is NO going back, and that you are leaving him.

You must get a grip and handle this as much in a business-manner as you can. You must be feeling very emotional, confused and heartbroken, but you cannot allow him to manipulate this situation to the extent that you lose all sense of self, or trivialise your enormous self-worth.

If your daughter is highly sensitive, she will already know something is desperately amiss. Save her, and your other children, from the utter clusterF**k this man has wilfully, deliberately and maliciously created.

July 31, 2016

You need to speak to an attorney and fast. If he is sharing such intimate details with another woman, then that is not just sex, that is a relationship and you do not know what his plans are for the future.

Being in a foreign country, depending on where it is, may mean your rights are secondary to his, despite the fact he is cheating.

Forget about your kid's birthday, if you do not have your ducks in a row, you may not even get to see her again...

July 31, 2016

Keep him sweet and in the dark for now, if he gets an inkling you may be leaving, he may take the kids away, and you may have a huge fight on your hands to get them back.

Find out your rights and devise a plan of action.

The time for grief is after you know what's what.

July 31, 2016

You need to speak to an attorney and fast. If he is sharing such intimate details with another woman, then that is not just sex, that is a relationship and you do not know what his plans are for the future.
Being in a foreign country, depending on where it is, may mean your rights are secondary to his, despite the fact he is cheating.
Forget about your kid's birthday, if you do not have your ducks in a row, you may not even get to see her again...

(Her oldest child is not his.... )

July 31, 2016

Maybe I should try and find a marriage counselor and see if he will go

Even if all the shrinks in the world combined, they can't fix your husband and your marriage. This is not a one-time affair. This has been going on for years!

No, just no.

July 31, 2016

Sorry for your pain but don't waste too much money on marriage counselling, the problem is not the marriage, the problem is your broken husband. Talk to a lawyer, find out your rights. It takes a special kind of POS to bring their lover into your home and into your bed. Most of your neighbourhood must of noticed his infidelity so what does that say about your husband and the level of respect he has for you and your children? Get tested, no unprotected sex with him until he is tested. Please talk to a lawyer because depending on the country you are in having sex with your cheating spouse may be viewed as forgiveness.

July 31, 2016

(Her oldest child is not his.... )

He adopted her, so legally she is his.

July 31, 2016

I would say document document. Screenshot everything and store it safely. If he knows you know he will delete everything. I too discovered that my h is a serial cheater. Trust me they do not stop. They are pathological liars. Not sure where you live but documentation may help to show the court what kind of monster he is.

July 31, 2016

He adopted her, so legally she is his.

Would biological parenthood not trump adoption? Besides he has already declared disdain for his 'daughter'. I would conclude that keeping her from her mother may not be so cut and dried. But it does depend where all of this is taking place, I suppose....

July 31, 2016

Would biological parenthood not trump adoption? Besides he has already declared disdain for his 'daughter'. I would conclude that keeping her from her mother may not be so cut and dried. But it does depend where all of this is taking place, I suppose....

Nope. Plus the OP said that in the country she's in, kids over the age of 10 can choose. Her daughter could choose to stay with her adoptive father. It's doubtful she would, but it's a possibility.

July 31, 2016

I know what I'd do.

I'd tell this serial-cheating POS that your father's health has taken a turn for the worse and that you and the children need to go visit him the US as soon as possible. I'd get myself out of that third-world hell hole you moved yourself into just to please this worthless lying sack of crap and I'd do it with a smile on my face right up to the minute I got on the plane.

Then I'd get back here in the states and find out how to divorce his worthless ass PRONTO and get full custody of the kids.

That'd be a REAL cold day in hell I'd stay a freakin' prisoner in some country I wasn't even BORN in just to please some douche canoe who has the morals of an alley cat.

I'd be SO done with this guy. So done.

July 31, 2016

I know what I'd do.

I'd tell this serial-cheating POS that your father's health has taken a turn for the worse and that you and the children need to go visit him the US as soon as possible. I'd get myself out of that third-world hell hole you moved yourself into just to please this worthless lying sack of crap and I'd do it with a smile on my face right up to the minute I got on the plane.

Then I'd get back here in the states and find out how to divorce his worthless ass PRONTO and get full custody of the kids.

That'd be a REAL cold day in hell I'd stay a freakin' prisoner in some country I wasn't even BORN in just to please some douche canoe who has the morals of an alley cat.

I'd be SO done with this guy. So done.

I'd definitely ask an attorney about this scenario.

July 31, 2016

Then find a lawyer, then serve him papers and tell him what you know, and that there is NO going back, and that you are leaving him.

Normally good advice but, given the OP's expat status, she should proceed with caution and knowledge. The are many countries that put a woman in a disadvantaged position during divorce and marriedacheater needs to understand the implication of each step taken...

Mr. Lucky

August 1, 2016

If you are 26, and have a 12 year old, that means you had her when you were 14 years old. You have been with your husband for 7 years, your daughter would have been about 5.

Your husband and yourself have 3 biological children together, and a fourth on the way. Even if your eldest is allowed to choose who she lives with I think it's unlikely that she will want to be with your husband. Unless they are extremely close to each other, which given her age when you met seems unlikely, I can't see it happening. You are the mother, you have been with her longer, and she isn't going to want to be separated from her (soon to be) 4 younger siblings.

Something else you should look into is if they will grant divorce if you have young children. A friend of mine got divorced somewhere in Eastern Europe.

-BOTH husband and wife had to agree to divorce

-There had to be proven irreparable damage to the marriage

-They had to have proof that they attempted to fix the marriage

(something like a year of MC and a note from the MC that they are irreparable)

-They could not have any economic ties to each other (shared expenses = no divorce)

-They could not have any emotional ties to each other (basically had to want to kill each other)

-They could not have any physical ties to each other (so much as a hug)

-They would not be granted divorce if the judge thought it would hurt the minor children (even just fighting over them)

-And they had to have a full trial

Sounds similar.

On the "plus" side (for you), it's customary in a lot of those countries for the mother to get the children and the father to get visitation (much less than in the US).

(If he has been cheating since at least 2008, that is either before you even knew him or right when you started. There is no coming back from that. He was never faithful, and never truly yours.)

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