She needs space...

[AMBrodie]

Hello all,

 

My girlfriend of 8 months says she needs space. We have a great relationship. We never had any fights, we always had a great time with each other.

I think the only things I did which upset her was not going to a concert with her. She said wow I cant believe my boyfriend doesn't want to go to the concert with me. It was wrong of me I should have went. I feel horrible about it.

The other thing was a trip which was planned. Her whole family was going. I bought my plane ticket. But my job at the time went out if business. I had to find a new job, and didn't feel comfortable tell my new job I need to take off for a week two months after starting. I know she wasn't happy about this. But I think my reason was understandable.

 

Here are the reasons for her needing space.

 

I asked her about moving in with her. She said yes at first, but then changed her mind. Her place is not very big. Her and her two children who are 22 and 18 live there. Her daughters boyfriend lives there as well. Yes it would have been cramped. I did push the issue a little bit though and I think it upset her somewhat.

Then said that she would like to have more time to herself on the weekend. Not every weekend but a day where she can just be alone in the morning. Which is completely understandable. She also wanted to be able to spend a Friday or Saturday night with friends sometimes. Which again is totally understandable.

 

We both have dogs. I would always bring my dog with me to stay at her place. Her and the kids loves my dog and the two dogs get along great with each other. But her dog pees all over the place when my dog is there. Which was stressing her out. Which again is totally understandable.

 

The next reason which is huge is regarding her job. She will be jobless in 2 weeks. She is very stressed about being able to pay the rent and all of the bills. She said it is all she has time to think about. Which how can she not only think about this.

 

We have not spent much time together in the last 2 months. We have seen each other a few times and talked/texted. But she just continues to say that right now she is so stressed and just in a bad place. She is asking me to be patient with her. She says she cares about me and loves. But just can't deal with much right now.

 

She says she doesn't want to breakup with me. She thinks in time things will go back to normal. She loves that her kids and family all truly like me. She said it is very important to her. She said her kids are asking where I am, and she told them we are taking some space. They were not happy about it.

 

Yes, during this time I have asked her to hangout. I did push a little bit. A major no no I did an unexpected visit to her home. Which I knew wasn't the best think to do. SMH ~ She really doesn't reach out to me. It is me do most of the beginning contact. She did reach out this past Monday. I had something I was doing and she texted me in the morning wishing me good luck.

 

I have not contacted her since Thursday. I am trying to give her space. It is just so hard. I miss her dearly, and am completely in love with her. I asked her a few weeks ago if she was in love with me and she said I guess so. Which doesn't sit very well with me.

 

How long do you wait around. I want to be with her I have no desire to meet anyone else. I have so much respect for her. I mean here she is going to loose her job soon and worried about the rent, but still decided not to have me move in. Her rent would have been covered.

 

Any advise would be wonderful.

 

Thanks

[springy]

I am a firm believer that when someone asks for space you should give them all the space in the world and then some. I also think it is unfair of the space asker to leave the partner in limbo, so some conversation about an end date to this would be a requirement (if it were me). Hopefully you got into some detail about a time where you come back together and figure out where the relationship is going. Even though she is saying it's not so, be prepared for the possibility that this space could result in a breakup, especially if you continue to ignore her request by showing up uninvited, being pushy, etc.

 

I personally have never been in this situation but I think it is very unfair to keep someone in limbo indefinitely, until the person "feels like" being around you again. You have to determine how much of that you are willing to put up with.

 

It does sound like she has a lot going on and I think it was really wise on her part not to accept you into the household, as it seems she may be a bit unsure about carrying on with the relationship. Surely you don't think it's a good idea to move someone in just for the sake of having another wallet in the house to help pay the bills? You don't want that to be the reason she moves you in, do you?

 

Give her the space she asked for, and get busy doing things you enjoy and living life without her in the meantime. Stay busy. If any of this has to do with you being clingy and/or an overly needy partner, then you really do need to "get a life" while you're in this place so she (or future partners) won't feel so smothered...IF this is the case. Good luck.

[AMBrodie]

I am a firm believer that when someone asks for space you should give them all the space in the world and then some. I also think it is unfair of the space asker to leave the partner in limbo, so some conversation about an end date to this would be a requirement (if it were me). Hopefully you got into some detail about a time where you come back together and figure out where the relationship is going. Even though she is saying it's not so, be prepared for the possibility that this space could result in a breakup, especially if you continue to ignore her request by showing up uninvited, being pushy, etc.

 

I personally have never been in this situation but I think it is very unfair to keep someone in limbo indefinitely, until the person "feels like" being around you again. You have to determine how much of that you are willing to put up with.

 

It does sound like she has a lot going on and I think it was really wise on her part not to accept you into the household, as it seems she may be a bit unsure about carrying on with the relationship. Surely you don't think it's a good idea to move someone in just for the sake of having another wallet in the house to help pay the bills? You don't want that to be the reason she moves you in, do you?

 

Give her the space she asked for, and get busy doing things you enjoy and living life without her in the meantime. Stay busy. If any of this has to do with you being clingy and/or an overly needy partner, then you really do need to "get a life" while you're in this place so she (or future partners) won't feel so smothered...IF this is the case. Good luck.

 

Thank you for your reply. I do think it was wise of her not to move me in for that reason only. Her place is small. The living would have been tight. I have nothing but respect for her on handling it the way she did.

 

I am not a clingy or needy kind of person. We saw each other on the weekends and one day during the week. She just says she is extremely stressed out. I am trying to give her the space. I will never show up at her place again without her knowing about it.

 

I know I have to give her the space she requires. It is just hard. No matter what I am doing I thinking about her in some way. Something will remind me of her.

 

I am not going to put my life on hold forever. Right now she is asking me to just be patient so she can figure out her employment situation. I am aware that the relationship might be over. She just keeps saying in time hopefully things will be back to normal. Time is the hardest part. It just doesn't move fast enough.

[fromheart]

Give her space completely from now. No initiating contact, no surprise visits and no more 'I love yous.' Just concentrate on yourself and your work, be aware that she's not the only woman on the planet, and there is no need to rush things in any way.

 

As another poster mentioned, this could be a prelude to a break up unless you really disappear until she reaches out to you.

 

Its up to you how much time you want to give. I personally have given a woman about a week in a similar situation, and then started spending time with another woman instead.

Edited July 30, 2016 by fromheart

[Redhead14]

Any time someone asks me for space, and especially without being specific in terms of time (which wouldn't be much more than a week for me), I become NASA. They can contact Houston when they figure out what their problem is. And, if they take too long, they will have another problem -- I might not want them anymore. A truly connected/loving relationship includes sharing and leaning on the partner to some degree. The partner doesn't have to try to solve it, but they should be supportive and give advice if they are asked for it.

 

Stop contacting her and wait it out. See how you feel when/if she "comes back".

[Blanco]

At 8 months, the new car smell of the relationships is wearing off or gone. It's time for both parties to decide whether or not this is the relationship for them. To keep the car analogies going, the test drive is over. It's time to either buy or walk.

 

Personally, I think eight months is way too soon to be making such a major decision such as cohabitation. Why are her grown children still living with her, especially considering it sounds like she doesn't have a ton of financial security to start with?

[AMBrodie]

Thank you for the replies.

 

So as it turns out she has developed feelings for her best friend. They have been friends for 8 years. The kicker here is he had a heroine addiction a few months back. She says he isn't using anymore. She was always close with him but when he was going through a really hard time the past 3 months they grew closer together ~ I was told anyway. So that's that.

 

I just don't like the way she went about the whole thing. It was very shady. Stringing me along for a month. It should have been handled better.

 

Her two kids can't stand the guy. I am still friendly with them and their boyfriend and girlfriend.

 

I still think about her, but I am relieved that whole thing is finally over with. I am more in shock that she wants him over me to be completely honest.

 

It is what it is and whatever...

[fromheart]

Sorry to hear that.

 

But hey, if she chooses a heroine addict over a healthy man, best of luck to her. Her choice does say something about where she's at.

 

You clearly know now, she isn't the one for you. You've dodged the bullet and are free to move on, and look after yourself.

[preraph]

Look, she's not ready to take the next step with you, period. You need to get your own place and back off that, because she doesn't want it. She already has a full house. Having a man there would cause tension, probably, with her kids, as it always does. And it would just crowd her more. Just tell her you're getting your own place and no hard feelings and next week, see if she's up for a movie or something. Good luck.