Should I reach out or continue with NC?

[stayinggolden]

Hello.. I was with my ex officially for 2 and a half years. We were so in love, and completely inseparable. We knew one another inside and out and were absolutely one another's best friends. After I graduated high school, I stayed home and took classes locally. Our relationship did not suffer as she is a year younger than me, and was still finishing her senior year. Long before graduation, I told her that if she chose to go far, we would probably need a break as I knew I would be going way for college as well at the same time as her though I was going to attend my state's university and she had no plans of doing this. I pushed her to go far because she had some very negative experiences in our hometown, bullied lost friends, diagnosed with an auto-immune disease, etc. I knew that going away would be great for her and I did not want to hold her back, but at the time I didn't realize it would be our downfall. She went to a school in the south, very far from home because we live in the north east. We communicated daily, and were just as affectionate as before, but without the pressures of a long distance relationship. We agreed that we could hook up with other people if we wanted to but just not discuss it but she insisted she did not want to. Let me reiterate that although she didn't fight it too much, she did not want to break up initially but later agreed.

 

Fast forward to two months later after we had seen each other twice briefly, I wanted to be fully in a relationship again and I didn't care if we were long distance I really wanted to make it work but she was hesitant. Over the next few months she grew colder, and no longer wanted to be intimate when we saw one another over Christmas, and this caused us to grow apart, fight, etc. In January she told me only wanted to be friends and I went NC but she quickly came back saying she missed me and knew that she needed to be on her own but that she couldn't lose me. I feel into this trap and let her lead me on for the next few months. Again, as more time passed we seemed more and more distant with some short lived bursts of things getting better. Eventually in April I met another girl who was really in to me. We started hooking up exclusively and I started paying less and less attention to my ex, yet still hoping we would somehow rekindle our love over the summer when we could actually be together every day. Come to find out, she was also seeing another guy. I broke her trust by logging on her facebook, as we knew each other's passwords (but I changed mine) and seeing a conversation between them. When I confronted her she was livid, yet insisted they were just friends but said we needed space and didn't want to talk for the last 2 weeks of school. She said we weren't going to be getting back together over the summer. something she continuously said in the past whenever I asked where her heart was at. I gave her the space and she contacted me twice during that period, once a text saying "Hope you're sleeping well, we will talk about everything once I'm home" with a heart. This gave me hope. I then found out through a friend that the guy she was seeing was a senior, and graduating and was from a different state than us, lives in the south as well closer to her school but not the same state. This gave me hope that their relationship would be very short lived.

 

 

When we came home she finally told me she just wanted to be best friends again and didn't think we could be romantic this summer because she had developed feelings for the other guy. I begged and pleaded for about a month and a half but nothing worked--no surprise there. The thing is, she gave me so many mixed signals. She would get weirdly jealous when I saw my girl from school, and would ask if we hung out at my house or where and said she was surprised to know I kept seeing her even when I was telling my ex I wanted her back. She once said it was a surprise to her to know this girl and I were exclusive at school and that the whole situation confused her. Once even said that if I was with the new girl to let her know ahead of time so she wouldn't contact me to look stupid. I told her this was contradictory behavior if she only wanted to be friends. Her guy was in the area for a few days visiting his brother, and they stayed together for that time. I saw a picture of them online which crushed me, but what shocked me is that the day after she contacted me wanting to talk. I didn't answer. A few days later she contacted me again asking, "Why are you doing this" We had a phone conversation where she begged and sobbed for me not to leave her and that she needed my friendship. I told her I couldn't be her best friend right now because it was hurting me too much. I got word from mutual friends that she asked a friend of mine if they had met my girl at a concert we went to and if there were any photos of us since we are no longer friends on social media. Another mutual friend showed her photos and she said something like "wow looks like he's doing fine."

 

Through the later part of June, mostly all contact was initiated by her. She would find any excuse to randomly text me. Once it was "Did you go to that concert tonight?" Another time, "How is your sister doing?" and another "Hey did you ever get a therapist?" I got overwhelmed by her constantly being around just because she needed her security blanket which was me. She had said she needed me in her life and was going through a hard time with her family and her illness symptoms had come back and that now that I wasn't in her life anymore she didn't know who could help her. Eventually I told her that I needed the space from her and told her to contact me if she changed her mind about us romantically but that other than that I wished her and her new guy the best.

 

That was the last time we spoke, and the last time we saw one another was late May. Her mom contacted me for something (I had an extremely close relationship with her family, they even had my graduation photo on their fridge) about two weeks into no contact. But nothing from the ex. It's been over a month and I started feeling really great and thinking about her less and less. I went to Atlanta with a few buddies for a weekend, visited my father in Florida, went to my university for a week, and just kept really busy and still hanging out with my girl from school who although is a bit of rebound is an awesome person who I am loving to get to know, and being fun and loose with. I heard from mutual friends that my ex went back to her school early, her move in was in late August but she left late July to work and live at a friend's apartment. When we were on speaking terms, she told me this was something she was considering as she was so miserable at home. Then I found out through a friend that she left but first went down to Miami where her guy from school is from, to spend a few days with him. This set me back all the progress I had been doing. Now she is back on my mind and I keep torturing myself over this. A mutual friend I ran into the other day told me that this was very hard on my ex, not just on me. And that my ex had told her the other day before leaving that she came very close to contacting me one night when she was sad and sick because I always know what to say and could always make her feel better but that she stopped herself. Another friend told me they met for coffee recently and my ex was asking her about me and how I was doing and said that she really wanted her best friend back but that I didn't want to speak. My ex told this friend that she really likes the guy but doesn't know if she wants a long distance relationship since she will be back at school soon. This all is so overwhelming to me and I just need to get it off my chest...

 

We were so in love, I was her first boyfriend, first everything and now that she is completely over me and only wants me around as a backup or for her emotional security it crushes me. It's like I don't even recognize her anymore. If she's asking about me and thought about contacting me is that a sign that NC is working?? Is there any hope that we can rekindle our love in the future? I have been working on bettering myself I started working out every day and got a personal trainer, landed a great paid internship, am reading and writing everyday something I loved to do but hadn't done in years. I feel like I am changing as a person, I have better self control. I want her to see all of this progress and maybe she'll be reattracted but I am terrified she will fall in love with the new guy and forget me altogether. I keep thinking if she thinks that I will contact her and that is why she hasn't contacted me. Should I? I'm thinking probably not, so how long should I keep NC for? I move in to college in 2 weeks and I couldn't be more excited, I know that once I am there and fully distracted it will be a lot easier to cope.

[Nowty V]

I move in to college in 2 weeks and I couldn't be more excited, I know that once I am there and fully distracted it will be a lot easier to cope.

 

It will

 

Enjoy College & Good Luck with your classes

 

PS continue NC, you need time to heal and readjust

Edited July 30, 2016 by Nowty V
omission

[Survivor12]

You aren't, and haven't been, NC if you know what is going on in her life.

 

I'm going to be honest with you. You said that you were doing fine until you were told about her being with another guy. You need to ask yourself just how much jealousy has to do with you being "terrified" with her falling for someone else even though you have no problem seeing other women.

 

Look, she has told you that she wants to be friends. She cares about you...enough not to lead you on by giving into the urge to call you for emotional support when she was feeling down.

 

You have two choices...you can accept that she only wants to be friends with you & continue to have her in your life as a friend or you can go NC (for real) and spare yourself further pain & disappointment. Frankly, it is my opinion that until you do the latter and give yourself time to get over her and stop holding on to the past, you won't be capable of the former.

 

In any case, forget about trying to improve yourself for the purpose of impressing her or trying to convince yourself that you can change how she feels. You can't.

 

Also, stop playing with the hearts of other girls until you are over your ex. At the very least, be upfront with them. Rebounds may feel good for the moment, but in the end, they usually end in disappointment and hurt feelings.

 

My advice, don't contact her before you go back to school. As you say, once you're there, you can begin your journey of moving on.

[stayinggolden]

It will

 

Enjoy College & Good Luck with your classes

 

PS continue NC, you need time to heal and readjust

 

Thanks so much!! What should I do if she does reach out? Is it best to just leave it all in the past or keep some hope alive? She told me, "I know you think I gave up on our love but in my philosophy if it's mean to come back it will. Me liking someone else doesn't make all of our times disappear or how you know me better than anyone else in the entire world. That will never disappear." but I fear she just said so out of pity and convinced herself she will never get back with me. I made so much progress but still hurts to have been lead on for so many months and ultimately be shut down for a LDR and now she is considering one with someone she has only been involved with for 3 months.. Sucks but what can I do

[stayinggolden]

My advice, don't contact her before you go back to school. As you say, once you're there, you can begin your journey of moving on.

 

 

You're right, I definitely shouldn't contact before I leave and I won't. I just can't help but wonder if she'll miss me and reach out. I know she cares but I also know being just friends is too painful for me. I tried it early in the summer, we saw one another three times as just friends and it was awful. One time I tried putting on a good face and she just started crying out of nowhere and I asked why and she said she didn't know. Later she told me it was because she knew I was hurting.. I know I have to let it go and hope for the best but it has been so much harder than anything I have ever had to do. I know it sounds dumb, I am only 21 but still this process has been so dragged out and tough for me.. And I have been very honest with the girl I am seeing from school that I don't want a relationship and that although I like her and like hanging out it can't be any more serious. She knew there was an ex in the picture but doesn't know details and I'm trying to not be careless with her feelings cuz I know what it feels like

[Marc878]

You are wasting your time and life on this. These things happen. It's part of growing up.

 

The best thing you can do is to block her on everything and move on like she has.

 

No contact works if you can do it and you can.

 

Never ever beg or plead to someone it makes you look weak and pathetic which puts you in a worse position.

[LD1990]

You two clearly can't be just friends and she doesn't want to get back together with you. NC isn't a trick to get back together with her, it's to help you heal.

 

You're setting yourself back every time you talk to a friend about what your ex is doing. Don't ask, and tell them you don't want to hear about her if they bring her up.

 

She was your first love, so it's normal that you feel this way, but you have to accept that it's over and move on completely with your life.

[stayinggolden]

You two clearly can't be just friends and she doesn't want to get back together with you. NC isn't a trick to get back together with her, it's to help you heal.

 

You're setting yourself back every time you talk to a friend about what your ex is doing. Don't ask, and tell them you don't want to hear about her if they bring her up.

 

She was your first love, so it's normal that you feel this way, but you have to accept that it's over and move on completely with your life.

 

 

I obviously miss her but I know this time apart is healing me and helping me see that I don't need her to be happy. I have been a happier version of myself this past month, not all the time, but most of the time. And I know I will continue to move forward.

 

It's difficult because I do want her in my life, and part of me still has some feelings left and hopes that we can begin something new together in our future. The uncertainty of not knowing what will happen in our relationship whether we can be great friends, become romantically involved again, or never speak again is really scaring me.