DeeplyMissHer Posted July 30, 2016 Posted July 30, 2016 Short Version of the story: 2002: I met my girlfriend (I was 16, she was 14) 2008: Our daughter was born 2011: We broke up (tried to reconcile for three months) 2013: I met my second girlfriend October 2015: We broke up December 2015: I met my second girlfriend since our break up July 2015: We broke up earlier this month For the past few weeks my ex girlfriend has been attempting to get us back together. At first I thought it was because her engagement (the guy she dated after me) ended and then my relationship ended and she was lonely. But she has been showing certain signs I'm not sure are not just all in my head. My daughter admitted that she heard her mother tell "grandma" that she missed me. I found out this was when she and the fiance were together. I came to find out that they broke up because the fiance thought we were having an affair. Ya, no we weren't. The ex girlfriend admitted she was acting cold towards the girlfriend (the one who recently broke up with me) because she was jealous of her. When I asked her if she was jealous girlfriend 1 (the one before the one that just broke up with me) she said no. She said that she never really saw much love between the two of us. She said she saw real chemistry between my last girlfriend and I. So I'm guessing she had been feeling threatened. I'm feel really conflicted. Because on an emotional level I have been done waiting for the chance for her and I to get back together. But I still love her as my daughter's mother. I waited almost 5 years to get back together with her and once I reached a level of acceptance, she now wants to be with me. A part of me wants too for my daughter sake but the longing for her is no longer here. Any advice?
heartfeltlove Posted July 30, 2016 Posted July 30, 2016 Yes. Let it go. Be honest with her, tell her you do not feel the same. Be there for your daughter, but do nothing out of sympathy or pity. If she feels for you, sadly that is for her to resolve and work through, not you. You cannot make yourself feel for someone. If it's not there, it's not there. Leave it be, but be truthful. it's better to be open and let her know where things stand, rather than to give her any hopes. And if she has a jealous streak, that too, is her problem. She has no rights; she doesn't 'own' you emotionally. So there's an unhealthy element to her affection. You don't want to get caught up in that.
Author DeeplyMissHer Posted July 30, 2016 Author Posted July 30, 2016 The sad thing was up until I met my girlfriend back in December I would have done anything to be with her. Hence the main reason I even came to this sight was because I wanted to be with her. I had it convinced I'd never get over her. I look back at our relationship and I made some huge mistakes. I blamed myself for how things turned out for so many years, when I finally came to a point where I accepted my choices and forgave myself. I'm no longer the man who parties every weekend, or the guy who was afraid of marriage and a commitment. I think my ex girlfriend may have noticed that and that is why she wants me back. I believe she broke up with me not because she didnt' love me any more, or because I was this horrible guy, but because I wasn't ready to commit. 1
heartfeltlove Posted July 30, 2016 Posted July 30, 2016 So what's your point? You stated you've moved on. You don't feel for her the way you did before. You're a changed man, but that change has included dissipating your strong feelings for her. Changes often include unforeseen consequences. It means you are a different person, but that also means you have developed a different, maybe more mature perception, and no longer need the kind of relationship you had with her. But I advised you that it would be best to be honest, and admit that you have changed. Now you begin your post with 'the sad thing was...' It's over. In the past. No need to drag it back to the present. I don't think it's sad at all. I think you should look upon it as a lesson well learnt. Don't feed yourself a negative message. The FUNNY thing was up until I met my girlfriend back in December I would have done anything to be with her. Hence the main reason I even came to this sight was because I wanted to be with her. I had it convinced I'd never get over her. I look back at our relationship and WE made some huge mistakes. I blamed myself for how things turned out for so many years, when I FORTUNATELY came to a point where I accepted my choices and forgave myself. I'm no longer the man who parties every weekend, or the guy who was afraid of marriage and a commitment. I think my ex girlfriend may have noticed that and that is why she wants me back. I believe she broke up with me not because she didnt' love me any more, or because I was this horrible guy, but because I wasn't MATURE ENOUGH to commit. Now that time has passed, I've done a bit of growing up, but I don't feel the same way I did. And that's ok, it happens.See how different, natural and more reasonable that sounds?
Author DeeplyMissHer Posted July 30, 2016 Author Posted July 30, 2016 Thanks, that is really the way I should think about things. I guess lately I just had been down in the dumps and doing a lot of what ifs. I'm also still greiving my current relationship coming to an end. I really liked her and really thought we had a good thing going. I hadn't felt that way about anyone since my ex. So maybe my confliction is more about my grief. But on another note... I get my daughter for the month of August I'm overjoyed. My ex girlfriend was nice enough to allow me to see her often during July where she didn't legally have too. So I'm going to do the same. Friendly Co-Parenting is great. 1
Gloria25 Posted July 30, 2016 Posted July 30, 2016 You know, for the sake of your child, why can't you two just "figure it out" and come together? I mean, you said you're mature and in a better place...and, hopefully she has also matured. I believe that actually being an intact family is better than "co-parenting". Why don't you guys try some family counseling and give this a try? I'm sure you both love your child and this would be best for your child. I mean, some people have irreconcilable differences but appears that you guys have a chance. Why not capitalize on that? 2
Author DeeplyMissHer Posted July 30, 2016 Author Posted July 30, 2016 You know, for the sake of your child, why can't you two just "figure it out" and come together? We've been apart more than we had been together throughout my daughter's life. When asked she had said that she remembered us together but not any real memories. So she remembers more of us apart than together. I never expected her to come from a broken home, with parents not together. I always thought her mother was my soulmate. Even when she used to tell me she was unhappy, and I ignored her pleas for things to change, I thought we were soulmates. When she broke up with me, it was real eye opener. I stopped partying right away. We tried to reconcile for a few months, but she told me it wasn't working. At the time I didn't accept our relationship was over. Over the past five years I had tried to move on. I dated a woman who selfishly I dragged along when I never really felt a strong intimacy with. She was fun and I liked her company but I never felt like she was the one. I always chalked it up as me not being able to commit. Then I met my last girlfriend, where our break up is taking me really really hard. I've been reflecting on my life ever since. I pictured a future with her. We've only dated seven months but I felt something for her that I never experienced before. I pictured marrying her, and having a child of our own. But when she broke up with me, that fantasy or image I had shattered. To answer or give some insight into the question you asked. Why can't we just figure it out and come together. A lot had changed. I don't know if it would be in my daughter's best interest for us to just get back together. She for the most part is healthy and happy. She sees two parents who despite a few up and downs lately get along great. I don't want to shatter her security and familiarity with a risk. I don't know and don't honestly believe we have enough to make it work. I've accepted on an emotional level that our relationship is done and in the past. Not to say it couldn't be re lit but do I really want to go down that path again. 1
Marc878 Posted July 30, 2016 Posted July 30, 2016 Never get or stay in a marriage for a child. That never works and you just waste time and life. Eventually you'll just go through another breakup. No magic here. The love is gone move on. 2
Author DeeplyMissHer Posted July 31, 2016 Author Posted July 31, 2016 The ex girlfriend won't back down. She asked me what had changed? That not even a year ago I wanted to be with her so badly. I told her time had changed me. Then she said I was afraid of commitment. She knew all the right buttons to push. I told her I wasn't afraid of commitment but just wasn't into her anymore. Of course her being the stubborn woman she was. (It used ot be one of my favorite things about her) She told me to humor her and go out on a date with her. Just once and then tell her that I wasn't interested in her. The only reason I even got myself into this situation where we even had this conversation was because I let her see my daughter for the afternoon as I had things to do. I went to pick her up. All she told me when I left was to think about. Believe me it had crossed my mind. Not so much because I think something will magically change but because I want to shut her up, have her accept we are done, never to be again.
heartfeltlove Posted July 31, 2016 Posted July 31, 2016 I am going to break your post up and punctuate it with the replies you should give her.The ex girlfriend won't back down. She asked me what had changed? That not even a year ago I wanted to be with her so badly. I told her time had changed me. Then she said I was afraid of commitment. She knew all the right buttons to push. I told her I wasn't afraid of commitment but just wasn't into her anymore. "Yes, maybe I was. That was then. This is now. I have moved on. Commitment doesn't bother me. I just know I can't be with you any more, so the commitment question doesn't arise." Of course her being the stubborn woman she was. (It used ot be one of my favorite things about her) She told me to humor her and go out on a date with her. Just once and then tell her that I wasn't interested in her. "You're the one pressing for a relationship, not me. You may think all it would take is a date, but I'm really not into this game. I KNOW my mind, and it's not where you would like it to be." The only reason I even got myself into this situation where we even had this conversation was because I let her see my daughter for the afternoon as I had things to do. I went to pick her up. All she told me when I left was to think about."Sorry, but all I have to think about now, is the wellbeing of our daughter. That's all I want. But I have nothing to think about in relation to us, because there IS no 'Us'. Believe me it had crossed my mind. Not so much because I think something will magically change but because I want to shut her up, have her accept we are done, never to be again. No, don't give in to her. She will believe she is therefore in with a chance, and that you want her as much as she wants you. I mean, if you agree, there must be a small spark still there, no...? Don't mislead her. Leave her in no doubt. "Dream on. I see you because I want to see my daughter. I want to be a good dad to her. And I am willing to be a good friend to you. But as for getting back together, please - put it completely out of your mind. It's not going to happen. Sorry."
bummer Posted July 31, 2016 Posted July 31, 2016 Man you are brave. She sounds desperate and a bit lonely and looking to seal a rebound with her #2 man. I would give her a chance and a date. I wouldn't allow it to escalate, but building a stronger friendship and bond may help with the co-parenting? I can completely understand though, that if you did start a relationship and it failed, or she found a new guy, or your feelings never switched on again, then you would be creating a whole new dynamic and drama crowding a working and feasible co-parenting situation now. Short answer is that you are very recently grieving a new connection which you treasured and lost. You need time and ideally someone else new to experience romantically. She is also grieving a loss. But she wants the approval and validation of a new relationship for her ego and self-worth to be soothed. You're the easiest and best option she has today... 1
Gloria25 Posted July 31, 2016 Posted July 31, 2016 Man you are brave. She sounds desperate and a bit lonely and looking to seal a rebound with her #2 man. I would give her a chance and a date. I wouldn't allow it to escalate, but building a stronger friendship and bond may help with the co-parenting? I can completely understand though, that if you did start a relationship and it failed, or she found a new guy, or your feelings never switched on again, then you would be creating a whole new dynamic and drama crowding a working and feasible co-parenting situation now. Short answer is that you are very recently grieving a new connection which you treasured and lost. You need time and ideally someone else new to experience romantically. She is also grieving a loss. But she wants the approval and validation of a new relationship for her ego and self-worth to be soothed. You're the easiest and best option she has today... Agreed in part... You two just broke up and probably are lonely and are leaning in towards each other. If it wasn't for your child, I'd say forget it. But, because you have a child I was thinking this might be an opportunity for you guys to work it out. But, I'd recommend going to family counseling. Why? Cuz like you said, you two never really had a RL. Maybe a counselor can put you both on the path toward bonding as a couple. IMO, we sometimes need that arbitrator/third party there. Relationships take work. You can't have a RL of any kind survive on feelings and emotions alone. Feelings and emotions come and go like the wind. Actions create feelings too. So, you may not have "feelings" for her, but if you spend time with her and go to counseling you two could probably build actions that will create feelings again. I mean, look at dating. Dating is "actions". You go out to movies, dinner, events, running/hiking. Why? Cuz, for one it's fun to share activities with someone. Two, you get to see what you have in common. And, three - BONDING. We bond when we do things together. The more we do things together, the more things we find out we have in common, the stronger the glue - which pushes us past a level that creates a stronger bond past the emotional/feelings stage when we first meet each other.
Author DeeplyMissHer Posted July 31, 2016 Author Posted July 31, 2016 Agreed in part... You two just broke up and probably are lonely and are leaning in towards each other. If it wasn't for your child, I'd say forget it. But, because you have a child I was thinking this might be an opportunity for you guys to work it out. R I mean, look at dating. Dating is "actions". You go out to movies, dinner, events, running/hiking. Why? Cuz, for one it's fun to share activities with someone. Two, you get to see what you have in common. And, three - BONDING. We bond when we do things together. The more we do things together, the more things we find out we have in common, the stronger the glue - which pushes us past a level that creates a stronger bond past the emotional/feelings stage when we first meet each other. I mean there is really nothing else to learn about her. I know her and she knows me. Hell I can read her like a book 80% of the time.I know what she likes, what ticks her off. As for having no feelings for her. Romantically I may have no desire for her but emotionally she has a special spot in my heart. She is my first long term girlfriend. We were together 9 years and have a daughter together. There is a lot of history. My brother told me not to trust my feelings and to give myself time. I got out of a relationship and am still grieving. His opinion, not that his opinion carries much weight. But he thinks I still have strong feelings for her. I guess time will tell.
Author DeeplyMissHer Posted July 31, 2016 Author Posted July 31, 2016 I am going to break your post up and punctuate it with the replies you should give her. "Yes, maybe I was. That was then. This is now. I have moved on. Commitment doesn't bother me. I just know I can't be with you any more, so the commitment question doesn't arise." "You're the one pressing for a relationship, not me. You may think all it would take is a date, but I'm really not into this game. I KNOW my mind, and it's not where you would like it to be." "Sorry, but all I have to think about now, is the wellbeing of our daughter. That's all I want. But I have nothing to think about in relation to us, because there IS no 'Us'. No, don't give in to her. She will believe she is therefore in with a chance, and that you want her as much as she wants you. I mean, if you agree, there must be a small spark still there, no...? Don't mislead her. Leave her in no doubt. "Dream on. I see you because I want to see my daughter. I want to be a good dad to her. And I am willing to be a good friend to you. But as for getting back together, please - put it completely out of your mind. It's not going to happen. Sorry." I'm goign to keep telling her what I've been telling her. Which is I"m not discussing a relationship with her because their isn't one. This is more me ranting about how I'm feeling which I agree needs an overhaul.
Gloria25 Posted July 31, 2016 Posted July 31, 2016 I mean there is really nothing else to learn about her. I know her and she knows me. Hell I can read her like a book 80% of the time.I know what she likes, what ticks her off. As for having no feelings for her. Romantically I may have no desire for her but emotionally she has a special spot in my heart. She is my first long term girlfriend. We were together 9 years and have a daughter together. There is a lot of history. My brother told me not to trust my feelings and to give myself time. I got out of a relationship and am still grieving. His opinion, not that his opinion carries much weight. But he thinks I still have strong feelings for her. I guess time will tell. Well, if you're fresh out of a break up, I'm leaning towards your brother's opinion. You probably might be looking at the ex cuz you're hurting right now. And yes, feelings can't always be trusted over facts. If you say you know your ex and what she's all about, then I guess you'll have to trust the facts you know. But, there's nothing wrong in having a sort of affection towards her cuz of the time you knew each other and yep, mother of your child is another big important reason. But, "romantic" love is different from other forms of love. So, of course you probably even love your ex, but not in a romantic way. Hope that makes sense. Breaks between break-ups are sometimes needed so we can take a look at what happened, breathe, and don't jump into something to deal with the pain of the break-up.
Author DeeplyMissHer Posted August 1, 2016 Author Posted August 1, 2016 Well, if you're fresh out of a break up, I'm leaning towards your brother's opinion. You probably might be looking at the ex cuz you're hurting right now. And yes, feelings can't always be trusted over facts. If you say you know your ex and what she's all about, then I guess you'll have to trust the facts you know. But, there's nothing wrong in having a sort of affection towards her cuz of the time you knew each other and yep, mother of your child is another big important reason. But, "romantic" love is different from other forms of love. So, of course you probably even love your ex, but not in a romantic way. Hope that makes sense. Breaks between break-ups are sometimes needed so we can take a look at what happened, breathe, and don't jump into something to deal with the pain of the break-up. In case i wasn't clear with my last comment because I predict some confusion. My brother thinks I actually still really much in love with my ex girlfriend (daughter's mother) and am just not admitting it or feeling it because I also had feelings for my recent ex. ALl these exes get confusing when I'm trying to explain.
Author DeeplyMissHer Posted August 2, 2016 Author Posted August 2, 2016 Well I made things worse and it wasn't my intention. I told her that I didn't want to be with her. She said fine. She looked disappointed but I explained that I no longer had any desire to be in a romantic relationship with her. It wouldn't be fair to our daughter or to either one of us to get into a relationship where the level of romantic passion isn't there. Then earlier this evening, when my daughter was with my mom for the evening, she texted me. At first it was casual about our daughter, work, and maybe doing some custody switching next month. Then she asked me what I would think about having a friend's with benefit relationship. I told her that wasn't a good idea. Then she texted me back saying what is there to lose. We can atleast both agree there is some sexual attraction to one another. We both have sexual needs. What really got me is when she said "unless you don't want to admit that their is some desire for us to get back together" I told her again that I didn't want relationship with her, but would agree to sex. So she came to my house and we had sex. Well when she got here I was having a few beers. She had a few and then we started talking. We had sex, and watched a movie. She passed out in my bed, drunk. I am currently sleeping on the couch. I'm feel so sick to my stomach. I wish I wouldn't had sex with her. I realize a part of me isn't really over her. When she wakes up I intend on telling her we can never do this again. I was stupid to even think a sexual only relationship would even work.
Author DeeplyMissHer Posted August 9, 2016 Author Posted August 9, 2016 My daughter and I are going away for a week to Disney World. I need a much needed vacation with my daughter.
aileD Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 I mean there is really nothing else to learn about her. I know her and she knows me. Hell I can read her like a book 80% of the time.I know what she likes, what ticks her off. As for having no feelings for her. Romantically I may have no desire for her but emotionally she has a special spot in my heart. She is my first long term girlfriend. We were together 9 years and have a daughter together. There is a lot of history. My brother told me not to trust my feelings and to give myself time. I got out of a relationship and am still grieving. His opinion, not that his opinion carries much weight. But he thinks I still have strong feelings for her. I guess time will tell. I agree with your brother. Give it time. Romantic feelings change over time when you're in a mature long term relationship. Even though you haven't been together, you've still had a relationship. If your x is right about the chemistry she saw between you and most recent x, and the fact you said up until that most recent x you would have considered going back-- there was probably something there that time might make you see differently. Just work on being friends, you never know what could happen
Author DeeplyMissHer Posted August 13, 2016 Author Posted August 13, 2016 My daughter and I have been having a great vacation so far, but something she said brought back some memories. We were leaving for the hotel and she said that when her mom and ex stepfather (mom's ex finace) and when her step father went to sleep her mom told her that she wished she and her dad (me) could have taken a family trip here. I don't believe this was coerced on her at al by her mom. The way she said it and the circumstances I genuinely believe she had said it. This hasn't been the first thing my daughter had said about her mom wishing something. It still makes we wonder though. She had multitude of opportunities to tell me she wants to try again. I just don't understand.
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