Financial Issues

[vansaddict00]

My life has changed drastically and my ex-bf and I went into separate directions. His family was moderately well-off. He was becoming a lawyer while I was going a different route. A part of me thinks I wasn't good enough for him since he has moved onto bigger and greater things. We would always talk about a future together, not extravagant but comfortable.

 

My current bf is the quite opposite in that his income is much less. I have learned to be more frugal because of him. Before I would go out and eat blindly and overspend but I have gained greater perspective. I am very worried financially since he also supports his family living on welfare. It wasn't until a few months into the relationship that I found out he lives paycheck to paycheck. I always feel guilty going out to eat and would rather not now. I feel kind of deprived of this lifestyle I was once so used to. I do feel selfish for thinking this way. I feel suffocated because he still has big plans to help turn things around but right now it doesn't seem realistic. It's kind of interfering with the way I think of him, which it shouldn't.

 

Am I being way to harsh and would it just be best to wait and see how we can overcome this challenge together?

[Ami1uwant]

Why did you end it with the lawyer? What was the lifestyle like now.

 

With the current boyfriend...how are things different.

[vansaddict00]

Why did you end it with the lawyer? What was the lifestyle like now.

 

With the current boyfriend...how are things different.

 

The current bf had a good upbringing financially. We fell out of love. I had to find ways to keep busy when he got his job and I was part-time at that time and now full-time. He eventually used his schedule as an excuse and to avoid confrontation. I just got closure with him after 5 months. We just stopped talking. We evolved into two different people. Different social statuses, different friends and interests. Very sad. We would always go out and be able to go to a restaurant or to the movies, etc...

 

With the current bf, he had a rough upbringing as he had to be the provider of the family once his dad left him. He's a very hard worker. At the same time I know it's hard on him because he never got the opportunity to pursue a career since he had to compromise his immediate future for the financial sake of his family. He went to trade school to earn $ quickly in auto.

 

So they have two completely different upbringings.

It's tough because I'm realizing how important financial stability is in a relationship. I think if money weren't a factor then I would be 100% happy but it's kind of hindering his appeal to me. I am more cautious about what I do with my money and at the same time feel kind of deprived of going out to eat/movies/etc.. At the same time I feel guilty for thinking that money should be the foundation of a happy relationship.

[Cherryz]

Sound like the roles has switch on you. Now you the one that earns more.

The question is how will you treat the other person. Looking at how your ex that earned more treated you.

 

It look like you dont know what you want. And how to go for it.

Financially stable is important. Specially if you want to build a future with the person.

You sound a bit like you very busy looking for who got enough money so you can live a certain way.

 

Get your finance rigth and stable first at-least for a year. After that you can see and know how stable you are yourself and look for a compatible partner in that also.

 

Even-thou finances is also important ,

I dont feel you really into this guy. It look like you more into him earning enough so you can live certain way and feel relaxed or maybe work less.

 

Stop compare him to your ex. Your ex is past. You need to focus on what you want and your standards and look for man that are compatible.

If this guy is not it for you, dont waste his time. Beside its nice that he help his family.

He deserve a award for that. But if i could advice him i would tell him to help his family so they can help themselves soon. Instead of just send them money to survive.

 

And in his situation he need a supportive gf. Who thinks a certain way. Someone who want him so they can have a more luxury life is not really in his street.

Either-way have a talk with him and be honest. If it ends after that move on, and take time to know yourself eitherway. And dont stay with people out of pity. They dont need that!

[leogirl876]

Just remember this, money doesn't buy happiness. I've met plenty of people over the years who have lots of money who were very lonely and unhappy. Don't get me wrong, it's nice having money and having nice things, but it won't make you happy. I think it's more important to find someone who totally gets you and who you totally get and that you're happy with. Money comes & go, but love is what's more important.

[Larryville]

Although it is true that money does not buy you happiness try asking the folks that don't have any money whether or not they would risk living with some of that money.

 

Taking into consideration that there are people from different parts of the world on this form I'm just going to say this if you're having to deal with some dudes financial issues right off the bat my advice to any friend would be run and run fast.

 

Not knowing your financial past and history and how you were raised makes a difference in responses.*

 

But I can guarantee you this if you do continue in a relationship and you are the person who is making more of the money it will become an issue because guys are just wired that way eventually he will resent you which is the very reason any time when I see a thread like this and a woman is making more of the money and the guy is broke that's a huge red flag in my book. It simply won't last because pride and ego will almost certainly get in the way.

[BluEyeL]

Although it is true that money does not buy you happiness try asking the folks that don't have any money whether or not they would risk living with some of that money.

 

Taking into consideration that there are people from different parts of the world on this form I'm just going to say this if you're having to deal with some dudes financial issues right off the bat my advice to any friend would be run and run fast.

 

Not knowing your financial past and history and how you were raised makes a difference in responses.*

 

But I can guarantee you this if you do continue in a relationship and you are the person who is making more of the money it will become an issue because guys are just wired that way eventually he will resent you which is the very reason any time when I see a thread like this and a woman is making more of the money and the guy is broke that's a huge red flag in my book. It simply won't last because pride and ego will almost certainly get in the way.

Unfortunately I agree. As much as we are evolved these days the issues that come with a man that feels inferior in a relationship because he feels he's less successful than his partner are still a real threat to a relationship.

 

It happened to me. When my ex husband and I met, we were 18/19 and equally broke as students. We got married and for a while we kept being equally broke. As time passed I advanced more in my career and I started making more than him. Although prior to that he was swearing up and down how he wouldn't mind if his wife made more money, he started to resent me, eventually cheated and left the home after 19 years together. Now, he ended up not being a good person in other ways also but nevertheless the difference in success levels was a huge issue in our marriage .

 

It is very important to men that they are stable financially and/or in a career before they settle down . So while you should definitely go ahead and. Hold your own career and financial future , always look for a stable man also. Many don't like it if the woman has no stability herself and is not financially independent so you have to have both: you make money but not much more than him and the guy is stable and feels good about his achievements . Take it from an old lady who has been through it.

 

It's tough for women: damned if you do (have money ), damned if you don't .

[Gaeta]

If you want the luxury to go to restaurants and shop with gold cards than make it happen for yourself and don't wait for a man to offer it to you.

 

Twice in my life I lost houses to separation because I was not making enough money to keep it on my own. After my divorce at 35 I got my grown ah$ back in school and became a professional. Now I own my house, drive a nice car and have all the choices of gold cards in my wallet.

[JuanDelToro]

You kinda sound like my ex. She loved me and all but financially I wasn't stable enough for her. Mind you I had just moved to a different country after a business venture went very bad and I was forced to start from scratch in my 30s.

 

We didn't have a financial problem as I did land a corporate job quickly and between the two of us we were making 150K, but apparently it wasn't enough.

 

She even had the nerve to say straight to my face that if I had to lose my job it'd be very hard to get another one and all the financial pressure would fell on her. That made her feel uncomfortable.

 

Didn't matter at all that I was always saying to her that we'll be alright, that if she gives me the time and trust me I'll make things happen. She was totally blind to my work ethics, motivation and entrepreneurial nature.

 

Of course she couldnt marry me and she broke up with me, with future financial insecurity being the major reason.

 

So 2.5 years later, I now co-own two large businesses, looking to start a third one by the end of the year, I'm worth seven figures and I can buy and do pretty much whatever I want.

 

To be fair, her rejection motivated me to take action and work faster.

 

And guess what. As soon as the word spreaded, she re-emerged and left a door open. I chose not to go through it though.

 

So, before you drop the guy, ask yourself if he has potential that you are not aware off. Ask yourself if you have misjudged him. Are you really listening to him? Most importantly ask yourself if you can motivate him to reach the great potential we all have in achieving our goals. Be a positive driving force in his life and empower him, be a muse.

 

That is...if you love him. Otherwise it's better (for the both of you) to part ways.

Edited July 30, 2016 by JuanDelToro

[biker23]

I've talked to many women about this. The consensus is most want a man who has career drive, typically good education, which then translates to financial stability. But its not just money. Its the type of person that has the drive and past to be successful. and of course its only one aspect. But most I have dated would not be interested or even go on a date with a man that is still in a low paying job and no drive...its just not a match for them.

[Leigh 87]

If you want the luxury to go to restaurants and shop with gold cards than make it happen for yourself and don't wait for a man to offer it to you.

 

Twice in my life I lost houses to separation because I was not making enough money to keep it on my own. After my divorce at 35 I got my grown ah$ back in school and became a professional. Now I own my house, drive a nice car and have all the choices of gold cards in my wallet.

 

I agree. And your story inspires me to manage my podiatry degree as a 30 year old. I am desperate to become a professional and own a nice car. I want it so badly.

 

With all that being said... I want a guy who can spoil me and be the one to take ME out and pay for the dates.

 

I could not care les if he ends up earning less than me though.

[sc0316]

If you want the luxury to go to restaurants and shop with gold cards than make it happen for yourself and don't wait for a man to offer it to you.

 

Twice in my life I lost houses to separation because I was not making enough money to keep it on my own. After my divorce at 35 I got my grown ah$ back in school and became a professional. Now I own my house, drive a nice car and have all the choices of gold cards in my wallet.

 

I think this is very true if the lady is single. In the OP's case, when she wants to enjoy a nice restaurant (or some sort of "luxury"), she has two options: 1. goes by herself without her bf; or 2. go together and pays for her bf's meal as well. For option 1, she won't be able to share those things/experiences with her bf; for option 2, it may create the dynamics mentioned in BluEyeL's post: one or both may get resentful eventually (or it may hurt the bf's ego).

[Gaeta]

I agree. And your story inspires me to manage my podiatry degree as a 30 year old. I am desperate to become a professional and own a nice car. I want it so badly.

 

With all that being said... I want a guy who can spoil me and be the one to take ME out and pay for the dates.

 

I could not care les if he ends up earning less than me though.

 

Thank you.

 

When you get there Leigh, cause I have no doubt you will ! you won't care much who pays. Now it feels different because you're on a budget. When you're comfortable you'll be happy to treat him.

[Leigh 87]

Thank you.

 

When you get there Leigh, cause I have no doubt you will ! you won't care much who pays. Now it feels different because you're on a budget. When you're comfortable you'll be happy to treat him.

 

Thanks. It has been so hard but I am absolutely desperate to be a working professional. I like nice things and want a comfortable lifestyle. I want to repay my parents for all they have done.There is something to be said for older students too. I am juggling searching for new work, in addition to unpaid work experience.

 

 

I actually love spoiling my bf. But when it comes to dates...... weekends away and the like, I DO prefer the man to pay.

 

Many women are like me; they DO spoil their bf, but prefer a man who has a job that allows him to treat his gf........to dates and the romantic stuff.

 

It can be a real bummer when the guy is too poor to take us out now and again. But long term you have to be prepared for those hardships that are financial in origin. Partitularly if you have kids. As that makes most people poor and dates are no longer an option to most parents.

[lolablue17]

I feel guilty for thinking that money should be the foundation of a happy relationship.

 

You feel guilty because you say that "money should be the foundation of a happy relationship".

 

What you really think is that "the foundation of a happy relationship is a wealthy man". So your quote is true only when the man brings in the money. What does it say about you?

[vansaddict00]

You keep talking about your two men and their financial situation, but what about your financial situation? If you need money to be happy, can you not earn your own money, so that you can focus on the man you are seeing and not be concerned about his wallet?

 

Excellent point. Well said. I agree. I don't need money to be happy but it is helpful. It's just stressful that I can't help my current bf get out of debt and he always brings up the money issues which causes me a lot of anxiety. I feel like it's a current struggle on the relationship as I feel guilty about anything any money with him. I understand about being frugal and it's tough when you sometimes just want to go out to eat but then in the back of my mind it makes me not want to spend any money at all with him.

[vansaddict00]

Sound like the roles has switch on you. Now you the one that earns more.

The question is how will you treat the other person. Looking at how your ex that earned more treated you.

 

It look like you dont know what you want. And how to go for it.

Financially stable is important. Specially if you want to build a future with the person.

You sound a bit like you very busy looking for who got enough money so you can live a certain way.

 

Get your finance rigth and stable first at-least for a year. After that you can see and know how stable you are yourself and look for a compatible partner in that also.

 

Even-thou finances is also important ,

I dont feel you really into this guy. It look like you more into him earning enough so you can live certain way and feel relaxed or maybe work less.

 

Stop compare him to your ex. Your ex is past. You need to focus on what you want and your standards and look for man that are compatible.

If this guy is not it for you, dont waste his time. Beside its nice that he help his family.

He deserve a award for that. But if i could advice him i would tell him to help his family so they can help themselves soon. Instead of just send them money to survive.

 

And in his situation he need a supportive gf. Who thinks a certain way. Someone who want him so they can have a more luxury life is not really in his street.

Either-way have a talk with him and be honest. If it ends after that move on, and take time to know yourself eitherway. And dont stay with people out of pity. They dont need that!

 

Wow thanks for your insight! I love how he is very caring to his family and his family has jobs now so he contributes less but he's in a lot of debt that will be hard to dig himself out of.

 

I had a friend that ranted that he made a lot of money and his past history of travel to all the continents...with a follow up question of where I've been. It was a huge slap in my face like how well off he was and it was a major turn off.

It felt like he presented himself superior to me.

 

I would rather be attracted to the person and have a connection vs. hanging with someone rich that wasn't attractive and having no connection.

 

I am always stressed out for my bf as every conversation for my bf reverts back to money issues. I want to focus on my own career too and I can support myself but as for him I still want to be emotionally there for him but more as a friend than a gf now. It's more about his personality now over the money. His constant talk about personal financial issues every single day and his blunt nature of talking are turning me off. I understand he has financial issues but the extent he brings it up is hard for me to deal with.

[vansaddict00]

Just remember this, money doesn't buy happiness. I've met plenty of people over the years who have lots of money who were very lonely and unhappy. Don't get me wrong, it's nice having money and having nice things, but it won't make you happy. I think it's more important to find someone who totally gets you and who you totally get and that you're happy with. Money comes & go, but love is what's more important.

 

You're right! I totally agree. Love is the key to happiness. It's hard because it seems like financial instability could always lead to some form of unhappiness. I am much more frugal and have learned so much from my bf. I've seen both sides of frugality vs. wealth and I'm learning to be in the middle. I'm just not happy when I hear all of his talks about money issues in every conversation. It's almost like it's taking over the relationship from what is was before. I didn't know about his financial state until a few months into the relationship and it's causing me a lot of anxiety because he can rant all he wants but there's not much I can do to help him.

[vansaddict00]

Although it is true that money does not buy you happiness try asking the folks that don't have any money whether or not they would risk living with some of that money.

 

Taking into consideration that there are people from different parts of the world on this form I'm just going to say this if you're having to deal with some dudes financial issues right off the bat my advice to any friend would be run and run fast.

 

Not knowing your financial past and history and how you were raised makes a difference in responses.*

 

But I can guarantee you this if you do continue in a relationship and you are the person who is making more of the money it will become an issue because guys are just wired that way eventually he will resent you which is the very reason any time when I see a thread like this and a woman is making more of the money and the guy is broke that's a huge red flag in my book. It simply won't last because pride and ego will almost certainly get in the way.

 

This is a tough decision as I'm constantly stressed out about his financial status. It makes me want to flee so he can save up money on his own. I think I'm more in the friend zone now as I really do care about him but know he needs to take care of himself first before anyone else.

[Gloria25]

I understand where you're coming from.

 

To date someone seriously (i.e. marriage), you have to know that they are stable financially. If your current bf is content working his butt off to rescue his family, you can't marry someone like him. I mean, imagine the drain it would put on you two - especially trying to create a life of your own together...worse when you two have kids.

 

I see this with one of my gfs. Her husband wants to tell her that she can't help out her relatives (which I agree with him, she's too nice) - yet, he wants to give his kids from prior relationships stuff all the time. I mean, even when his kids were younger and he wasn't making enough, she'd come up with the money for his child support payments.

 

So, if you see long term potential with this guy you need to talk to him about this. Shoot, even if you don't see long term potential with him, you still need to raise this, cuz no way is he gonna ever be able to have a life for himself if he continues to rescue his family.

 

I have a lot of drama with my family. There was a time I cut off contact with them to the point the didn't have my address, telephone, etc. They literally had no idea where I lived. Right now, I'm gonna do X and Y and cut them off. In a month or two, it will be done. It's one thing to help relatives when an emergency happens, it's another when they don't get their poop together.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Finances are among the top three considerations in a relationship for me. I have always worked hard to keep myself financially above water and it absolutely helps with happiness!

 

I am in my 40s, take care of my family and make certain that I have ducks in a row. We have one life and only for many of us, only a handful of opportunities to prolong whatever happiness that exists...no way am I going to allow someone come into my life who is unwilling, unprepared to add to it. I understand that circumstances are some times not of our making, but that doesn't mean I have to live with someone else's baggage, self-inflicted or no.

 

No, money may not always buy you love, but it absolutely helps and contrary to more romantic views, it darn well can help to buy love, stability, contentment, etc. Guarantee? No, but w/o money, a whole lot of other things happen and they pose greater dangers to love and happiness.

[KuraJay11]

It wasn't until a few months into the relationship that I found out he lives paycheck to paycheck.

 

Seems incredibly irresponsible to get into a relationship with a man without knowing the extent of his financial situation. I couldn't imagine a relationship with a woman without knowing all pertinent details and financial is absolutely one of them. It's like getting into a relationship with an individual and not even knowing if the person is divorced vs. separated or has kids. Don't see a relationship lasting when people seem to don't even really know one another.