Dealing with (bad) breakup and emotions

[ddlovexx]

Will try to keep this to the point.

 

Many great months, 90% good and 10% bad. We always worked through every problem, he never gave up on us or me. We got stronger and strong with time. Talked about our future, made strides toward it. Tried to learn from our mistakes. He battles with alcoholism, but he can be an angry drunk as well. Has broken a couple promises. Most arguments happen when he's had too many, when he's not drunk we can work through things pretty easily.

 

At one point we had a pretty big fight that wasn't a "real" fight but more of a case where he said awful things due to intoxicatoon and just get awful the next day. Then he was great for a while. Didn't drink as much, we were trying to save some money so we didn't go out as much, we're working on our future. Just really growing together. We are best friends. (God, I miss him something awful).

 

Well he relapsed after being better for a while. Just drank too much, would drink a 12 pack after work even if we're just on a couch. Would just go too far, we'd fight over something and it's just blow up and he'd leave the house multiple times, even though he knew how much I hated that. I'm a fixer and like to work through things, I don't like to go to bed mad, etc.

 

Well things were great again for a bit. We were buying a dog together, he asked me to move in when my lease is up in December. We had made some real progress honestly, his family loves me, I love him more than anything in this world really. Best relationship I've ever had, but unfortunately when he drinks he becomes someone else. So I came home from work last night and he was drunk and I was so mad and tired of dealing with it so it started a fight. It just got bad. He told me to get out of his life, I left.

 

It's over. Some things were said that according to him are unforgivable. I said them out of being hurt, he has a way of saying the most awful things when he drinks. It's just frustrating because I've always forgiven him, we've always worked through things and now it's just over. And on the eve of our 9 months together, I am wrecked. This is a man I would have married honestly. He is my fish. But I lost him to his addiction and demons.

 

I can't seem to deal with my emotions. He is for sure the only man I want for the rest of my life. The most handsome man I've ever laid eyes on, the most loving wonderful man, I can't imagine kissing or even looking or touching another man. I can't imagine not sleeping next to him every night. I literally broke down at work today because I am so crushed. When not drinking he really is the most wonderful man and it's not rose colored glasses syndrome... Been there before. But 75% of the time when he drinks, he becomes a different careless, mean person. He said it is over and he hates me and wants nothing to do with me. Despite all our fights in the past, he never gave up on us until now. And he blames me, said I push him and fight when he drinks (but obviously I'm mad about his attitude/temperament). It's all my fault according to him and that's BS. He's 37, not 18.

 

I am in shock and an unbelievable amount of pain, unlike any breakup I've ever experienced. He is the love of my life. I got a puppy this morning (he was supposed to be OURS) so I am trying to keep busy and focus on my pets and work and music (even though I can't write songs because I'm so upset) and trying to better myself. I wonder if he just needs time, I wonder if he still loves me after saying he doesn't. You can't just shut that off. I'm so hurt. I just want to be in my baby's arms again.

 

I guess I'm just venting and want some coping methods or some advice. And nothing rude or harsh please. Maybe we are better apart but I will have to work through that myself. I had alcoholic parents and I do know that I deserve a healthy relationship. Any advice on mind games for myself? I keep thinking about never kissing him again and never making love and it makes me want to hurl.

 

Thank you in advance. Sorry for the awful writing, I'm on my phone. Xo

 

Also: Part of me hopes with time he will miss me and realize it's a mistake and the other part of me knows he's out drunk with his friends right now and it makes me angry, thinking I don't deserve to be with a 37 year old who doesn't have his **** together. Ugh. The struggle.

Edited July 30, 2016 by ddlovexx

[gorf]

I'm just venting and want some coping methods or some advice. And nothing rude or harsh please.

 

I had alcoholic parents and I do know that I deserve a healthy relationship.

 

Any advice on mind games for myself?

 

Part of me hopes with time he will miss me and realize it's a mistake and the other part of me knows he's out drunk with his friends

 

I feel for you. I know you are here cause you are venting, and looking to cope or see behind the curtain.

 

Alcohol destroys relationships in more than one way. You know it first hand with your parents, and you do deserve a healthy one, not to follow in their footsteps. I would start with that. Call it a mind game, call it what you want. I call it a goal. Its one you probably already have. You don't want to be in an alcoholic relationship. Period. Will he realize his mistake and come round? Hard to say, he needs treatment. He has a problem, and its destroying a relationship with a wonderful woman who does not want that kind of life cause she has seen first hand (parents) what its like. He is missing out, and needs to come round. Anyone in his shoes needs treatment. So I would ask, what have you talked about concerning treatment? Has he ever talked about having an alcohol problem? How does he think he behaves when drunk? Let us know some more

[joseb]

I'm not sure what you want to hear?

 

"But 75% of the time when he drinks, he becomes a different careless, mean person. He said it is over and he hates me and wants nothing to do with me. "

 

You know from your parents that living with an alcoholic is no way to live.

He is an alcoholic. And he is an abusive one.

You are lucky he has pulled the plug because he is doing you a massive favour here.

 

 

The only mind game to play is to tell yourself yourself how lucky you are to get out of an alcoholic relationship.

 

Have you had counselling to deal with your childhood issues?

[Zahara]

DD, I've posted on your previous threads. You've been in one bad relationship after another. This was bound to happen. And no, it wasn't 90% good and 10% bad. You tend to idealize and romanticize your dysfunctional relationships even when you've had many realizations that it's traumatic and damaging. This is not the "best" relationship you've ever had.

 

I lived with an alcoholic father for 19 years. The good times are few and far between. And when you're in a situation like that, you start magnifying the little good that goes on in your relationship.

 

This is a blessing. You don't see it now but hopefully you make the decision to focus on healing yourself. Building your self-esteem. Working through your co-dependency and your past issues.

Edited July 30, 2016 by Zahara

[lbjanieb]

I will not be harsh but I will be direct. Your parents are alcoholics and you are attracted to a man with the same problem. Counseling is a must. And please go to Alanon meetings as well because you will get a lot of support. I’ve been and I heard other stories just like mine and you will, too. This will sting because you will see your situation is not unique but you will get a lot of coping mechanisms from others there.

 

 

I’m sure he has redeeming qualities but nothing can quite gloss over the meanness and alcohol abuse. Trust me, I’ve been there, it will not get better on its own or even stay the same, it will only escalate. You need to look at how mean he can be but says sorry and when you say something out of your pain he thinks it’s unforgivable. That’s a double standard if I ever heard one.

 

 

If you were try and work things out with him it should ONLY be if he gets help for his glaring alcohol problem. Please do not move in with him because then you will be stuck with nowhere to go when he’s having an episode.

 

 

 

Of course you are in pain – you gave yourself to him, heart and body. You are emotionally attached and that is going to hurt like hell. But you will live and even love again. First, heal from this one. Focus on your puppy (getting a dog for me was the best thing I’ve ever done), your music (you should be creative through this pain), and keep busy, working, take care of your health, and get around POSITIVE people (not those who let you go on and on about him or who just bash him either).

 

 

If he’s out drinking with his friends at 37 years old rather than being a man and facing his issues so he has a future to look forward to, you really don’t want him. You want a partner that is a help to you, not a hindrance. Use this time to think about what you want for your future; that way you’ll be better prepared for when he tries telling you he misses you, because he likely will. Trust me, I know what it’s like to try and love an addict and they will do anything to keep things as they are. They do not want to change. His true colors are out now.