misty15 Posted July 30, 2016 Posted July 30, 2016 Hi everyone So i managed to get my first date from online about 2 weeks ago. He lives in the same town as me and seems like a nice guy. He has taken me to the movies twice and has come round to my place a couple of times also. He texts everyday at the moment and is coming around my house tonight to watch a movie. I have not slept with him yet just kissed him. I would like this to go somewhere but am too afraid to ask as i dont want to come across clingy. Should i just ask what he is looking for? or just see how things pan out? I had a horrible relationship end over 6 months ago now so feel fragile as well as other things i have going on. Every relationship I've been in we have agreed to be exclusive before I've had sex with the person and the relationships all seemed to have lasted for a while. One 8 years a long time ago now. I'm not sure how to read this situation. I know ALL men want sex but i don't want this to be a "hit it then quit it" situation. I'm over my years of casual sex it doesn't interest me I want more. He has not asked me what I am looking for either. He just told me he came out of a 2 year relationship a year ago. How do i approach this? Thanks
Gr8fuln2020 Posted July 30, 2016 Posted July 30, 2016 Well, it makes no difference whether you met online or not, you should regard this as the "getting to know each other" phase. Really. You've already had a couple of dates and you should have been talking about what each of you are looking for in a relationship...what do you talk about? Relationship expectations should be a part of your conversations. Have you checked his profile to see if he's been online checking others out? For me, you need to get a firm idea whether he is committed to you and that you are looking for someone who is not dating others. Otherwise, you free him up to think whatever he wants, including multi-dating. A word of warning...guys (and some girls) love when their partners postpone the conversations about the serious relationship stuff. It keeps them free...aloof. 2
leogirl876 Posted July 30, 2016 Posted July 30, 2016 Definitely have the talk before you sleep with him. It would suck if you slept with him to find out he's not looking for anything serious. I'd say if you've gone on 6 dates, it's ok to find out where it's going. If you start making out and one thing leads to another, I'd tell him you don't have sex outside of exclusive monogamous relationships. 1
Gaeta Posted July 30, 2016 Posted July 30, 2016 After 4 dates you cannot ask where this is going. It's the wrong approach. This man does not know yet what he wants with YOU and it's too soon for you to know what you want with him BUT that being said it's ok at this point to talk about dating exclusively. When you met online what was his purpose there? Was he searching for a long term relationship? When I was dating I never let exclusivity out in the air, by date 5 the subject was closed. My ex boyfriend asked for exclusivity on our 3rd date and I spoke about exclusivity with my current boyfriend on our 5th date. 1
Gaeta Posted July 30, 2016 Posted July 30, 2016 I meant to add it has nothing to do with exclusivity. It's about knowing your dating style and respecting it. There are plenty of men that will welcome dating you elusively from date 3. There are other people who prefer to keep the relationship open till 3 months, personally I was not interested in dating these people. So again, that is not about being cligny. it's about knowing what you want and not wasting time with people that have different dating style. 1
mammax3 Posted July 30, 2016 Posted July 30, 2016 After 2 weeks, it's too soon to ask. And if you keep just kissing, and he's angling for more and not respecting your boundaries, I suspect that will be more indicative than him just saying that he'd like more. As much as I value what people say, I take it with a grain of salt until I see whether their actions support their words. 1
Author misty15 Posted July 31, 2016 Author Posted July 31, 2016 Thanks everyone for the replies. He ended up canceling on me last night saying his mate was driving to his place who lives 2 hours away and wanted to crash at his the night and could we leave it for the following night. Could have been true, could not have...He txted me through the night though. I met him on POF and I know he was an upgraded user and paid for it. I cant remember what he put on his profile whether "looking for relationship" or not but i vaguely remember him saying he came out of a relationship and wants to meet new people. I am no longer active because I was on there a LONG time and was getting tired of it but I know he definitely would be still so i cant really stalk him to see what he is doing lol. He has respected my boundaries, he is quite eager to kiss me, he always initiates it but he doesn't go any further....yet. Maybe I'm overthinking things but I have a feeling he may just want to get laid because his texts have become less frequent and he is not asking me out anywhere to do things just to come over to my house and watch movies. Will see where this takes me anyway Thanks
joseb Posted July 31, 2016 Posted July 31, 2016 i vaguely remember him saying he came out of a relationship and wants to meet new people. That usually means he is looking for a fling, something casual, not long term. However I'm pretty surprised he has been at yours twice already and nothing has happened, if that is the case. 1
Gaeta Posted July 31, 2016 Posted July 31, 2016 but i vaguely remember him saying he came out of a relationship and wants to meet new people. If you are looking for a relationship than don't respond to these profiles. Why would you waste time on someone with a different purpose? When I was online, right after saying hello how are you - I asked the question 'what are you looking for on here'. If his purpose online was not the same as me than I discontinued. If he is just out of a relationship than he is not interested in locking himself in another one right away. You're probably not the only transition girl he'll have till he meets a woman he wants to settle with. I was very goal oriented when I was online. I refused to waste time waiting on a man that was sitting in between 2 chairs. I personally think you are wasting your time.
BaileyB Posted July 31, 2016 Posted July 31, 2016 I think it's quite alright to tell him what you posted here... That you have had a bad experience with a relationship that has made you a little more cautious about dating, that you are looking for something long term but that you want to get to know him and you are not rushing to get into anything too serious, too quickly (ie. no casual sex), and that you want to know that there is nobody else before you have sex. In my opinion, you don't even have to have the "where is this going discussion" as much as you have to tell him what you are looking for and then listen to his response... If he doesn't respond, that's also when you ask the more pointed questions. Just a thought.
Author misty15 Posted August 15, 2016 Author Posted August 15, 2016 Update.. So I feel pretty down atm I was seeing this guy for a month now a few times a week. He works a lot of hours and also does dive training after work so was pretty busy but he still made time for me. I didn't end up sleeping with him but ALMOST did. Thankfully I didn't. I saw him on Saturday night and I thought it was time to ask him what did he want out of this. He didn't even answer it was such an awkward silence. I didn't hear from him the next day but he msged me this morning saying I think we should just be friends and he is going to become really busy with his work and training and he wouldn't have enough time to commit to anything with me but if anything changed he would let me know?! Wtf he was the one sending me multiple msgs throughout the day, everyday always asking me to do something but now he doesn't have any time for me? If you really like someone you would make time for them wouldn't you? No excuses? The thing that annoyed me was he was so full on kissing me and being affectionate with me and like I said always making the plans to see me. It also got me "if things change I will let you know" line. Sounds like he was just not that into me or wanted to get laid?? What do you guys think? He also said if I ever needed to talk he would be there. Should I even bother replying to his msg or just leave it be. Not that this is a factor but I also know he takes medication for depression
joseb Posted August 15, 2016 Posted August 15, 2016 Update.. So I feel pretty down atm I was seeing this guy for a month now a few times a week. He works a lot of hours and also does dive training after work so was pretty busy but he still made time for me. I didn't end up sleeping with him but ALMOST did. Thankfully I didn't. I saw him on Saturday night and I thought it was time to ask him what did he want out of this. He didn't even answer it was such an awkward silence. I didn't hear from him the next day but he msged me this morning saying I think we should just be friends and he is going to become really busy with his work and training and he wouldn't have enough time to commit to anything with me but if anything changed he would let me know?! Wtf he was the one sending me multiple msgs throughout the day, everyday always asking me to do something but now he doesn't have any time for me? If you really like someone you would make time for them wouldn't you? No excuses? The thing that annoyed me was he was so full on kissing me and being affectionate with me and like I said always making the plans to see me. It also got me "if things change I will let you know" line. Sounds like he was just not that into me or wanted to get laid?? What do you guys think? He also said if I ever needed to talk he would be there. Should I even bother replying to his msg or just leave it be. Not that this is a factor but I also know he takes medication for depression Sounds like he isn't looking for a relationship and the talk scared him off. I wouldn't bother contacting him anymore if you are looking for anything serious.
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