I still love my fiance but am not sure if I should get back with her???

[notsurewhattodo]

Here's the story in compressed form... sorry about the length. We met and fell in love in the UK 4 years ago, she is 25 from South Africa and I am 30 from New Zealand on 2 year working holiday VISA. Before we met her plan was to travel the world then go back to South Africa and study.

 

We decided to travel togther since I had the travel bug too and we didn't want to be apart. This was great and we moved back to the UK after a few months travelling to start saving for our next big trip through Africa.

 

Incidently, she is very close to her family in South Africa and was extremely upset to have to choose between them and me as at this stage we knew we couldn't go and settle in South Africa. We first thought to get married in registration office in the UK so we could both stay there but didn't want to get married so soon. I had convinced her we could settle in New Zealand for a while and she could fly back to see her family when she needed too. I met her family in SA for a few weeks after our Africa trip before flying back to NZ to setup a flat and job. We were both sick of living out of a backpack and wanted to settle.

 

We both missed each terribly while apart and everything was fine when she first got to NZ although we spend most of our time together as we didn't have many friends. Her friends were the partners of mine. After she had been in NZ a short while, I put a bit of pressure on her to apply for NZ residency. I think she resents me for doing this before she has time to settle in NZ. We also bought a house since that was a big goal to have an asset for our future. I knew residency takes a long time so wanted to get it out of the way so she could work and study. The residency process was very long (1yr wait) and hard for both of us since she could only work on contract and we couldn't afford international student fees. She was upset having to wait another year before she could start to study.

 

After a year being in NZ, she was feeling better about being here and we talked about getting married and she indicated she wanted me to pop the ?. Then she went to South Africa to vist family for a few weeks. I stayed home to work. I had planned to ask her to marry me on her return which I did... we were both soo happy. Then things started going downhill a few weeks later. She got very depressed which I thought was homesickness which would pass. I didn't know what to do. She was going back to the UK in a few months to see her family again so I tried to use that angle in making her feel better. She really missed South Africa and saying things like she wished she hadn't come to NZ. Then she wanted us to go to South Africa to live.... meaning that we would waste residency and have to sell house plus I'm worried about finding work there. We compromised on getting married and going back to the UK after she got her residency. She has sister in UK and closer to SA to visit family.

 

Things got worse when we found that after gaining residency she has to stay in NZ for another 18 months to keep it. Then she went to the UK to visit family... I had to stayed at home again. When she came back this time things seemed fine. We talked about going to South Africa again. She wants to start with a year or so. I said I could do a couple of months and stay longer from there if I can get a job. That was the end of that conversation.

 

Over the next couple of weeks, things got worse. She would say things in passing like... How much do you think we'd get if we sold the house? We should move closer to town or I need my own car. At first I suggested a 2nd car is exp with her going to study soon but agreed to get her a car since I felt she was craving more independence. She also started saying that she like it in New Zealand.

 

We would fight about little things... we stopped making love and then I found a txt on her phone from a guy at her

work... signed loves and kisses. I felt like I'd been kicked in the guts. I told her I found the txt and she started to cry. Naturally I thought she was having an afair but she wasn't. This guy was 40 and was just a shoulder to cry on. I was upset she was using another guy for support and not telling me how she felt. I decided we need to sit down and have a talk. She had shut down and was not ready to talk. Told me she felt confused, she needed space and had doubts about our relationship. I just wanted to talk with her and work out a future plan that we could both be happy with since the UK one didn't seem like an option to her anymore. I decided I would just wait until she is ready to talk and not pressure her to talk.

 

A few days later we sat down to talk and I told her how sorry I was that this had happened with us and she handed me a letter saying she could not continue the relationship. My world crumbled. Everything I'd tried to do and make work had been for us and I couldn't beleive it was ending like this without even trying to talk things through. We decided instead of breaking up we could go on a break for a couple of weeks.

 

After a few days I was still on an emotional rollercoaster ride. At this point I decided that this relationship might not be able to work and met her for coffee. I said the lets just be friends line since the issues we have... I couldn't see going away. She was very upset and so was I. That night at home is was like nothing had happened. We were getting on fine.. it was surreal although we slept in different beds. The following night she stayed with a friend. I was at a different stage now with my emotions and began to think that maybe we can make this work and now I needed my space for a few weeks. I am now doing the NC thing. It is hard but the only way I will know if she truely wants to come back to me.

 

The question is.... I am not sure if I want her back anymore. This has changed everything about our relationship. I told her I will go to South Africa and give it a good try but how do I know she wont do this again to me in South Africa if things don't work out for us there. I really don't want to loose her... she is my best friend and I truely love her. I know now we couldn't be friends either since there are too many emotions involved.

 

What advice can you give???... It all seems so hopeless but somehow I've always beleived that we can get through anything together. Now that belief is all but gone.

[Leah]

Notsure -

 

I'm really sorry for your dilemma, but I think you've done a very good job of coming to the your own best conclusion.

 

"The question is.... I am not sure if I want her back anymore. This has changed everything about our relationship. ... but how do I know she wont do this again to me in South Africa if things don't work out for us there..."

 

You really don't know that she won't do it again and chances are excellent that she probably WILL. All of this is complicated by the time invested. Four years is a pretty good chunk of time to invest in a relationship just to have it fall through.

 

The bottom line though, what if you stay with her another four or five years and then what if children become involved, then you've doubled and even tripled the investment when you could have walked away now, before it REALLY becomes more complicated.

 

Seems to me that you've had enough discussion with her and to continue to do so it's like beating a dead horse.... it wont do you any good... you're just moving in circular motions at this point, so, if I were you I would move on with life NOW without her and find some stability.

[notsurewhattodo]

Thanks Leah...

 

She came back home last night and we were both happy to see each other. She says she is happy to be back. I suggested we need to see a councellor if we have any chance of working through our issues. She then told me if I am going to get back with you, you need to know something... I slept with someone else while we were appart.... kick in the guts but I don't feel trust has gone since we are currently broken up. I just feel bad it happened.

 

She wouldn't make any decission last night about our relationship or going to a councellor and tells me to give her a couple of days. I just want to know where I stand. We're living together again which makes it soo much harder but we are getting along fine... cuddling etc but still in separate beds.

 

We're just trying to avoid talking about our relationship. Can relationships come out of something like this or is this truely like flogging a dead horse???

 

Any advice appreciated...

[Leah]

notsure -

 

Our habits, whether they're good ones or bad ones, never change they only become more ingrained as time passes.

 

You say she slept with someone during the recent separation and you have no problem with that since you were split at the time. Well, the last I remember, commitment does not come with an on/off switch attached to it. Either you are committed or you are not ... all of the time or none of the time but never intermittently.

 

If you stay with her, I'm willing to bet that within the next three months there will be another crisis... and so life will go with her.

 

I had a similar situation with my ex husband, only the circumstances were different. He had a problem with alcohol and could be abusive. So, life was a series of cycles of abuse and then making up... and during that period of making up things were always quite rosy and many promises were made just to have the entire cycle repeat all over again.

 

To make a long story short ... I realised the mistake I was making was to allow the pattern to continually repeat once a reasonable mind would know there is no hope for the relationship.

 

So, one day I took my son, who was then a baby, gathered our stuff, and then I left. There were no discussions, no more dramas, I left while he was gone and cut off all communication with him and I'm here to tell you now (15 years later) this was the best decision I've ever made in my life and my son is extremely thankful that I did so.

 

 

You can't see it now, but you are cycling. You say she's back and everything is fine, well then okay. If it works out wonderful !! However, if it does not, my advice to you would be this:

 

If you see the cycle begin to repeat again, I wouldn't have any additional discussions with her. I would simply gather my things and leave. If you have property with her, well you just have to work that out through an attorney.

 

Believe me, it's better to do it now than to wake up 15 or 20 years from now and realise what you've done ... having wasted time you could have spent with someone else who would make a good life with you.

 

Good luck.

[notsurewhattodo]

Thanks Leah ... She has decided to go with me to councelling. Currently we are taking things slowly and working on building our relationship back up.

[Sal Paradise]

In counselling I would bring up the emotional affair she had with the coworker (thats what she was doing is called). Its quite possible it became physical and she is lying. Crying on a coworkers shoulder about your SO is how most office affairs start. It could also explain why she was depressed all the time. And why she wasn't sure if you were the one and wanted a break.

 

I'd bet anything there was more going on than she is letting on.

 

Also the fact that she slept with someone while you were on the break says to me that she isn't committed.

[Leah]

I agree with Sal. I know you're happy to be back with her and you're going to counselling, but if she does this one more time, I would let that be it WITHOUTH discussion.

 

Good Luck