thecrucible Posted August 1, 2016 Posted August 1, 2016 My emotional debt is not anyone else's responsibility but my own. I'm paying for it, not landing it on someone else. When you get to a certain age hearing " I'm so glad you're not like my ex" isn't so much as a compliment but an annoyance. I don't want to be compared to an ex, whether good or bad. I agree. Don't overthink it but trust your instincts. If it doesn't feel right then that's just it. You're not providing a public service by dating him so need to feel guilt for letting it go and continue going over it in your mind. I know because I am guilty of this too! I hate the thought of potentially hurting someone for no good reason. You are doing the right thing and you are not right for each other so you have made the right decision.
singlelife Posted August 2, 2016 Posted August 2, 2016 I think that everyone has their fair share of baggage. But I think baggage is simply negative experiences that someone who hasn't had the time or invested in time to deal with it in a positive way. Once it is dealt with, you have a brand new enlightened experience which you are now able to learn from. Baggage becomes nothing more than experience, once you deal with it? I hope I'm right in this. But it is very hard when it comes to dating. I went on three dates with someone that talked about their past like it was a real burden on their present and future life. I just felt like this negatively shaped the way I saw this person. Although I had some things in common with him I felt really strange all of a sudden like I was a therapist listening to his problems and not going on a date. The things he told me were quite soon into dating and I felt like I was unable to really respond to the about of information I was receiving from him as they were very personal and a massive offload of information. I try to come across non-judgemental and tolerant but the his experiences were negative and he was being really negative about them. It kind of dampened the mood. I don't think I would continue seeing him. But when someone is negative or being negative is that a major turn off for some people? everyone has had that awful ex-partner, but I don't want to talk about them in the early stages of dating someone else... I told him this, but it seemed to go back to his dark past. I felt really weird after that. I agree. As A guy I always see women who bring their baggage into new interactions. Someone has always cheated on them, hurt them, etc. Sorry you get that on the other side from guys. But it would be awesome if women would try and control their negativity as well. It's not up to men to compensate for the last 6 boyfriends. This is why guys stay away from women.
singlelife Posted August 3, 2016 Posted August 3, 2016 couldn't agree more. Wow! you have really changed your mindset for the better. I'm impressed. I think it's important to apply that to whatever "bad" things you think about yourself too and anything you feel that you "must" offload onto a guy you are dating. Sounds like you may be doing this now compared to before. Sometimes it takes dating someone else who is so blatantly bad that it shows you what it must be like to be on the receiving end of an offload like that. Awesome for you! Goes this apply to women as well? There are plenty of ladies who start out by sharing how they got cheated on and how the new guy should compensate for that. Like overwhelmingly.
ufo8mycat Posted August 3, 2016 Posted August 3, 2016 Well, he just texts me to say sorry for offloading, But then proceeded to tell me that he lost chances with single nights and woman there but " still hopes there is a chance with me" and that " your the only woman that has spoken to me so I hope there is a chance"... Man, there is needy, and then there is needy. And besides, who wants to be pursued because I am the only one that has bothered to talk to him. He complains that usually after three dates woman do not contact him after that. I was thinking of doing the same thing. Now I feel subtly manipulated stick to your boundaries. You don't owe this guy anything. The fact that you can see it means that you have good insight into yourself and what you need from a potential partner. Respect yourself and your boundaries. He will have to as well.
tinkerbell16 Posted August 3, 2016 Posted August 3, 2016 True and these people are always victims and can never see their part on why their life is like it is. Victim mentality is so annoying, seriously grow up and see your part!!! I don't like being around people like that, they're energy vampires and very self centered! Spot on... Victim mentality also usually equates to poor coping mechanisms. None great for a healthy relationship. Take a pass on this grumpy chap unless you look really good in a cheerleader outfit!
singlelife Posted August 3, 2016 Posted August 3, 2016 Spot on... Victim mentality also usually equates to poor coping mechanisms. None great for a healthy relationship. Take a pass on this grumpy chap unless you look really good in a cheerleader outfit! Interesting. What you just described is modeled by women for decades. So do you think men should leave women alone with poor coping mechanisms.
ufo8mycat Posted August 3, 2016 Posted August 3, 2016 Goes this apply to women as well? There are plenty of ladies who start out by sharing how they got cheated on and how the new guy should compensate for that. Like overwhelmingly. Then stick to your boundaries and don't date people like this. Don't date people who are newly out of relationships. Just as the OP is questioning.
Versacehottie Posted August 3, 2016 Posted August 3, 2016 Goes this apply to women as well? There are plenty of ladies who start out by sharing how they got cheated on and how the new guy should compensate for that. Like overwhelmingly. Absolutely applies to both genders. Dumping past baggage on new partner of either sex is not good or attractive. Hope guys that this happens to use their good sense to not put up with it. It's not a matter of telling the new dating person off; it's more like walking away because this behavior typically indicates an unsuitable partner. If ladies are talking about being cheated on like it's baggage, it's both parties fault if the guy chooses to move forward with the relationship anyway. And vice versa. I'm absolutely anti-negativity as it applies to both genders. Why wouldn't someone be?
Nightwriter Posted August 3, 2016 Posted August 3, 2016 The guy, for whatever reason felt comfortable enough to share these things with you while barely knowing you. Conventional wisdom says you shouldn't talk about your ex until a bit later in a relationship, so maybe it was a hidden blessing that he got that out of the way in the beginning rather than a couple of months down when you start to have feelings for him and he unloads all of his damage on you. But something to keep in mind, cheating can be highly damaging to a person through little or no fault of their own and can take a long time to heal from. It is a betrayal by someone you trusted intimately and that's the worse kind of betrayal. So there could be times when you meet someone who is compatible with you but the timing is bad, such as when they haven't gotten over their ex. So just be careful not to judge a person too critically because they might be the right person at the wrong time. If months pass and they have recovered sufficiently, and neither person are in a relationship, there might still be a chance for something. Not talking about this guy specifically, but more so the future.
singlelife Posted August 3, 2016 Posted August 3, 2016 Absolutely applies to both genders. Dumping past baggage on new partner of either sex is not good or attractive. Hope guys that this happens to use their good sense to not put up with it. It's not a matter of telling the new dating person off; it's more like walking away because this behavior typically indicates an unsuitable partner. If ladies are talking about being cheated on like it's baggage, it's both parties fault if the guy chooses to move forward with the relationship anyway. And vice versa. I'm absolutely anti-negativity as it applies to both genders. Why wouldn't someone be? I agree. Any human that acts this way is toxic!! 1
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