Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted July 30, 2016 Posted July 30, 2016 I think that everyone has their fair share of baggage. But I think baggage is simply negative experiences that someone who hasn't had the time or invested in time to deal with it in a positive way. Once it is dealt with, you have a brand new enlightened experience which you are now able to learn from. Baggage becomes nothing more than experience, once you deal with it? I hope I'm right in this. But it is very hard when it comes to dating. I went on three dates with someone that talked about their past like it was a real burden on their present and future life. I just felt like this negatively shaped the way I saw this person. Although I had some things in common with him I felt really strange all of a sudden like I was a therapist listening to his problems and not going on a date. The things he told me were quite soon into dating and I felt like I was unable to really respond to the about of information I was receiving from him as they were very personal and a massive offload of information. I try to come across non-judgemental and tolerant but the his experiences were negative and he was being really negative about them. It kind of dampened the mood. I don't think I would continue seeing him. But when someone is negative or being negative is that a major turn off for some people? everyone has had that awful ex-partner, but I don't want to talk about them in the early stages of dating someone else... I told him this, but it seemed to go back to his dark past. I felt really weird after that. 4
Satu Posted July 30, 2016 Posted July 30, 2016 You can't be somebodies therapist and gf at the same time. He sounds like he needs a therapist more than he needs a gf. Take care. 9
Versacehottie Posted July 30, 2016 Posted July 30, 2016 I think that everyone has their fair share of baggage. But I think baggage is simply negative experiences that someone who hasn't had the time or invested in time to deal with it in a positive way. Once it is dealt with, you have a brand new enlightened experience which you are now able to learn from. Baggage becomes nothing more than experience, once you deal with it? I hope I'm right in this. But it is very hard when it comes to dating. I went on three dates with someone that talked about their past like it was a real burden on their present and future life. I just felt like this negatively shaped the way I saw this person. Although I had some things in common with him I felt really strange all of a sudden like I was a therapist listening to his problems and not going on a date. The things he told me were quite soon into dating and I felt like I was unable to really respond to the about of information I was receiving from him as they were very personal and a massive offload of information. I try to come across non-judgemental and tolerant but the his experiences were negative and he was being really negative about them. It kind of dampened the mood. I don't think I would continue seeing him. But when someone is negative or being negative is that a major turn off for some people? everyone has had that awful ex-partner, but I don't want to talk about them in the early stages of dating someone else... I told him this, but it seemed to go back to his dark past. I felt really weird after that. couldn't agree more. Wow! you have really changed your mindset for the better. I'm impressed. I think it's important to apply that to whatever "bad" things you think about yourself too and anything you feel that you "must" offload onto a guy you are dating. Sounds like you may be doing this now compared to before. Sometimes it takes dating someone else who is so blatantly bad that it shows you what it must be like to be on the receiving end of an offload like that. Awesome for you! 1
Versacehottie Posted July 30, 2016 Posted July 30, 2016 You can't be somebodies therapist and gf at the same time. He sounds like he needs a therapist more than he needs a gf. Take care. Absolutely!! which applies in reverse to people who feel the need that they must dump a ton of junk on new partners--confusing it with "being honest". It actually is being needy and stuck in past or burdened by baggage. And would/should be a red flag to the other person. Glad OP posted this experience to demonstrate what it's like to be on the receiving end of an offload. ugh! 2
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted July 30, 2016 Author Posted July 30, 2016 Yeah, no one is ever going to have their ducks in a row. But hurt doesn't have to grieve you so much that it causes you to think negatively about yourself and the world around you. Then when someone does like you, you can't handle their "like" or interest. It has happened to me in the past, and I ruined a great opportunity. I don't have a black and white view of the world anymore. But I am looking for someone who if they have had a ex wife, ex girlfriend, ex this or ex that, they know that is ancient history and they're able to just put in the past where it definitely does belong. I think people are tempted to bring up their past with relationships because people are looking for just that, a relationship while on dates. But I feel like the heavy stuff, the burdens, are better saved for a rainier day, when there is more dates or even a relationship has been established. I don't need to know about who someone has slept with or if they've been prostitutes or not, their ex-damaged relationships or horrible exes.. It's the superficial stuff, questions like " what do you do for a job?" " have you been travelling?" " what interests you?" " what excites you?" etc... That's what really gets me interested. I figure if I am most never likely to meet your ex, why bother bringing them into conversation? I'm not perfect either, but I just feel, the offloads are just that, external processing, better dealt with a professional not a potential partner. 1
SpiralOut Posted July 30, 2016 Posted July 30, 2016 (edited) Yeah, don't see this guy again. Some people aren't ready to date, but they don't realize it. Or maybe they're lonely and don't know how to deal with it, so they try and create emotionally intimate relationships too soon. Edited July 30, 2016 by SpiralOut 4
Gloria25 Posted July 30, 2016 Posted July 30, 2016 You can't be somebodies therapist and gf at the same time. He sounds like he needs a therapist more than he needs a gf. Take care. Agreed... Tonite I was watching Kingdom and dude's ex still hasn't dealt with a lot of stuff from losing her child and she needs therapy...but, somehow is leaning on that dude - perhaps thinking he can make her happy again. Yeah, some people think they need to date - when another person can't bring you happiness...that has to come from you and if you can't get there, maybe professional help is needed. 1
leogirl876 Posted July 30, 2016 Posted July 30, 2016 Sounds just like this guy I went out with. He had a lot of issues. I remember at one point during our date I was thinking, this guy doesn't need a gf, he's needs a psychiatrist or therapist. Seriously bro, go deal with your baggage & crap before you get into the dating scene. 1
sunshine2 Posted July 30, 2016 Posted July 30, 2016 I dated a man for 1 year that was like that. On our first date he talked about his X wife and I wasn't very impressed at all but I gave it another chance and the second date he didn't talk about her at all. So I thought Great! That didn't last long. He really was in that space of being lonely and needing a therapist. I would listen to him go on and on about his X wife and even help him reply to her text. He and her would fight over his youngest daughter and visitation and I became a therapist and not a GF. I remember talking to him all night about his issues. I learned my lesson and will never do that again. It was way to over the top. I did tell him that he might consider therapy, but guess what? He was against that because he went to a marriage counselor and he blamed him for their divorce. Yea okay. After getting to know him I understood why his X wife felt the way she did about him. But thats a whole other story. So what Im trying to say is move on. Negative people need help, not a GF. 1
BluEyeL Posted July 30, 2016 Posted July 30, 2016 Negative men, the biggest turn off for me. I met some and left so fast I left skid marks in the parking lot. Good idea to bolt . Long term it really becomes a drag. 1
Omei Posted July 30, 2016 Posted July 30, 2016 When people immediately go into their problems or history about how hard they had it or their ex and heartbreak on a date I'm turned off these people are usually seeking to be with anyone who will be with them because they're unhappy they're looking for someone to make their life better not enhance it. If you were to date this guy it's likely he'd the the type to make you his whole life because you would be the only positive to all his negativity and people like that can be really really clingy and needy. Just heads up. 3
leogirl876 Posted July 30, 2016 Posted July 30, 2016 When people immediately go into their problems or history about how hard they had it or their ex and heartbreak on a date I'm turned off these people are usually seeking to be with anyone who will be with them because they're unhappy they're looking for someone to make their life better not enhance it. If you were to date this guy it's likely he'd the the type to make you his whole life because you would be the only positive to all his negativity and people like that can be really really clingy and needy. Just heads up. True and these people are always victims and can never see their part on why their life is like it is. Victim mentality is so annoying, seriously grow up and see your part!!! I don't like being around people like that, they're energy vampires and very self centered! 1
Gaeta Posted July 30, 2016 Posted July 30, 2016 I had a similar experience a couple of years ago. I met this gentleman maybe 3 times. Our 3 dates consisted of him telling me about his past. He was an ex drug addict, clean 2 years. He played guitar in a popular band and spent the past 10 years using drug and cutting all of his bridges with family. On our 3rd date I sat there and listened to him telling me when his mom died he burnt her inheritance in drugs in a matter of weeks. Everyone of our dates had been him confining his life story, it was too overwhelming for me and after our 3rd date I told him I did not wish to continue. I did not explained why that would have put him on the defensive and I did not owe him anything after 3 dates. Fast forward a couple of years, I come across him in the metro. He is looking good and we update each other on our lives. Then he apologized for what had happened 2 years earlier. He said even though he thought at the time he was ready for a relationship he was not, he was filled with anger and negativity and he had nothing good to give someone. 1
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted July 31, 2016 Author Posted July 31, 2016 When people immediately go into their problems or history about how hard they had it or their ex and heartbreak on a date I'm turned off these people are usually seeking to be with anyone who will be with them because they're unhappy they're looking for someone to make their life better not enhance it. If you were to date this guy, it's likely he is the type to make you his whole life because you would be the only positive to all his negativity and people like that can be really clingy and needy. Just heads up. Well, he just texts me to say sorry for offloading, But then proceeded to tell me that he lost chances with single nights and woman there but " still hopes there is a chance with me" and that " your the only woman that has spoken to me so I hope there is a chance"... Man, there is needy, and then there is needy. And besides, who wants to be pursued because I am the only one that has bothered to talk to him. He complains that usually after three dates woman do not contact him after that. I was thinking of doing the same thing. Now I feel subtly manipulated
Bialy Posted July 31, 2016 Posted July 31, 2016 I know three people like this at work. They never have anything positive to say -- even when it's a beautiful day outside or if theh completed a work project successfully or if they've been invited somewhere cool. They're just so negative. The energy is tangible! They'll always somehow bring up something to bring the mood down. I couldn't imagine dating someone like that. Sounds like you know what you want --- and this isn't it.
BigHarold Posted July 31, 2016 Posted July 31, 2016 I was the negative person in my last relationship. I was attempting to show the new person how much I appreciated her in my life. I also shared some experiences growing up as we both grew up in the same neighborhood. I need her to tell me early and nicely that the negative talk bothered her. But she was very angry and we often fought. I tried not to bring up the past but the more we argued, the more negative stuff I had to bring up. I am deeply sorry I lost a beautiful person. Please don't hate the person. But tried to explain that anything negative from past bothers you.
azlightsout Posted July 31, 2016 Posted July 31, 2016 I don't think I would continue seeing him. Good choice - how can u move forward if they are always living in the past
Gaeta Posted July 31, 2016 Posted July 31, 2016 Well, he just texts me to say sorry for offloading, But then proceeded to tell me that he lost chances with single nights and woman there but " still hopes there is a chance with me" and that " your the only woman that has spoken to me so I hope there is a chance"... Man, there is needy, and then there is needy. And besides, who wants to be pursued because I am the only one that has bothered to talk to him. He complains that usually after three dates woman do not contact him after that. I was thinking of doing the same thing. Now I feel subtly manipulated Do him a favor. Tell him you do not wish to pursue and tell him why. The man is in the dark and someone needs to point to him how he comes across. 2
Versacehottie Posted July 31, 2016 Posted July 31, 2016 Well, he just texts me to say sorry for offloading, But then proceeded to tell me that he lost chances with single nights and woman there but " still hopes there is a chance with me" and that " your the only woman that has spoken to me so I hope there is a chance"... Man, there is needy, and then there is needy. And besides, who wants to be pursued because I am the only one that has bothered to talk to him. He complains that usually after three dates woman do not contact him after that. I was thinking of doing the same thing. Now I feel subtly manipulated ugh, no. He's playing the pity card. That's a big fat no to being your bf or someone that you want to date. I don't usually say that you need or should do a post-game analysis and tell this guy where he went wrong. But maybe in this case, I agree with Gaeta. Once he's played the pity card and wants you to act like his friend by dumping all his problems on you, act like a friend and give him a bit of constructive criticism. He's blown it with you but doesn't mean you can't do a good deed. 1
thecrucible Posted August 1, 2016 Posted August 1, 2016 It depends on how you gauge his mood but I agree that if it feels right, he may appreciate some constructive criticism as he will probably be floating about wondering what he is doing wrong (dating can be pretty bewildering). I know what you are getting at. I can't abide negativity either as I am very sensitive but at the same time I can deal with a lot of tough topics in conversation because of that sensitivity. But yeah I agree, some people can be too much too soon. If a person gets far too emotional too quickly, it could be a sign that they are not quite ready enough and are nursing a bit too much hurt. Someone else might have a different perspective to me. As I'm quite emotional myself, I can deal with a lot of emotion from another person. It'd be a red flag if that emotion turned into manipulation/desperation. I'd be as turned off as you as no woman feels special when she feels like she is providing pity service to a guy. 1
mortensorchid Posted August 1, 2016 Posted August 1, 2016 I dated a negative man like that in the past. He was needy, whiny and could not get over his past. I didn't realize at the time that he was a stalker and he stalked a woman from his past who dumped him, walked away and never spoke a word to him again. And it was YEARS before I knew him. He was also bent on failing in our relationship, and he did anything and everything possible to have me end it because he lacked the courage to do so. He dumped me by writing me an email. That was twenty years ago, barely a year later he met and married another woman and as far as I know is still married to her today. What do I think? She must be a carbon copy of the woman who dropped him, and she can listen to his nonsense all day. Life went on and I'm happy. I (and you) deserve better.
singlelife Posted August 1, 2016 Posted August 1, 2016 I think that everyone has their fair share of baggage. But I think baggage is simply negative experiences that someone who hasn't had the time or invested in time to deal with it in a positive way. Once it is dealt with, you have a brand new enlightened experience which you are now able to learn from. Baggage becomes nothing more than experience, once you deal with it? I hope I'm right in this. But it is very hard when it comes to dating. I went on three dates with someone that talked about their past like it was a real burden on their present and future life. I just felt like this negatively shaped the way I saw this person. Although I had some things in common with him I felt really strange all of a sudden like I was a therapist listening to his problems and not going on a date. The things he told me were quite soon into dating and I felt like I was unable to really respond to the about of information I was receiving from him as they were very personal and a massive offload of information. I try to come across non-judgemental and tolerant but the his experiences were negative and he was being really negative about them. It kind of dampened the mood. I don't think I would continue seeing him. But when someone is negative or being negative is that a major turn off for some people? everyone has had that awful ex-partner, but I don't want to talk about them in the early stages of dating someone else... I told him this, but it seemed to go back to his dark past. I felt really weird after that. Maybe he just needed you to hear him. Maybe you got friend zoned.
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted August 1, 2016 Author Posted August 1, 2016 Maybe he just needed you to hear him. Maybe you got friend zoned. Nope. Not friend zoned. I've heard his life story. And he said he would never again talk about things so negatively and that we need to concentrate on the future... our future. After three dates, " our future" is probably shorter for him than he would have liked. I use to use my issues as someone previously posted a long time ago, as a litmus test, to see who would hear me out, and still accept me once I revealed this information. I suspect he's doing the same thing. Because I have had considerable healing in that time, and no longer feel like an anomaly of sorts and like I have to " test" them to see if they " see me as a red flag" by airing out your dirty laundry very quickly, people don't need to ascertain whether or not something is a red flag, because you are freely flying that red flag in the air. Your negativity becomes rather unavoidable, it creates an emotional vacuum, not getting the things you desire even though you hope " by being honest" it will. 1
singlelife Posted August 1, 2016 Posted August 1, 2016 I'm glad this thread was started. I know a lot of women who have been hurt and expect the new guy to be the one to compensate for all the crap they experienced before. Then when the guys don't like them they feel the guy is another jerk in their mind. Not a way to make friends or get a bf. 1
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted August 1, 2016 Author Posted August 1, 2016 My emotional debt is not anyone else's responsibility but my own. I'm paying for it, not landing it on someone else. When you get to a certain age hearing " I'm so glad you're not like my ex" isn't so much as a compliment but an annoyance. I don't want to be compared to an ex, whether good or bad. 2
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