Left me for her ex

[struggle_isreal]

I'm just wanting to find people that have been in a similar position. People that understand how I'm feeling right now.. and make sense of why I made mistakes.. to try and forgive myself.

 

I'm sorry if this is too long, or too detailed. whatever.

 

So, I was seeing this girl for about 2/3months. We had this immediate connection. But at first I guess I wanted to take things slow. I guess I've got used to having to not be too keen, or not come on too strong.

 

Anyway I was happy with how things were going.. then she said we should just be friends. I guess she thought I wasn't serious about her, or that it was just about sex for me. That lasted a couple of weeks, with us seeing each other as friends actually more often, ~3 times a week - I wanted to show I was interested in her for her. So we got back together. Saw each other more often. All good.

 

But. I still didn't feel sure. I hesitated to commit.. I thought to myself once 'I love you'. But I didn't say it.. I wanted to be sure before saying it. I.. wanted to feel in control. At the time I even wanted to feel like I had options. I feel so stupid.. I just needed time I guess. But. I have no idea why. I'd been single, just having one night stands here and there for a couple of years. I'd been wanting to meet someone I really connected with. And then when I had her.. I felt pressured. I didn't jump at the chance and rush in. I think this made her feel insecure. And I didn't express to her how much I liked her. I held back.

 

We hadn't seen each other in person for a few days. She then messaged me saying she was feeling low (she took pills for depression, but I had never seen her depressed when she was with me). She said she was thinking of going to see her ex. I was shocked. But, I thought, if she was really low, she should see him if it would help. Then she made it clear she was thinking of getting back with him. I told her to at least come see me first. Next day, she messages me, saying she's already met him. She wouldn't even meet with me again.

 

To be honest, it was only after a few days of not seeing her, and of realising I'd lost her, that I really became aware of how strongly I felt for her. And it's not a case of wanting what you can't have, like a friend of mine suggested. It's realising, that it's been years since I have met anyone I've connected to like that. That I haven't felt that happy before in someone's company. And that I really did picture a future together.

 

I feel responsible for my own unhappiness. I had the best thing I've ever had. And I ****ed it up. If I had shown her that I cared, I know we would be happy together right now. But, I guess she's happy with her ex, she has the certainty I didn't give her. I feel like I've lost my one opportunity to be happy. That I had something that would have only gotten more amazing as it grew. And I traded that for loneliness and misery.

 

I just feel like I have nothing right now. It took me so long to meet her. And I finally had my chance. I won't meet anyone like that for a long time, if ever. I keep thinking about cutting my own throat, or stabbing myself. If guns were legal here..

 

If I'm strong I can get over this. But what's the point. What the point of trying so hard, and still not being truly happy. I was so happy, and so careless. My life turned to **** in the blink of an eye..I miss her so much..

[smudge21]

We always want what we can't have and often only realise what we have once it's gone. Feel for you there but sadly you reacted to how you felt at the time. Looking back and living in regret will not help you or change anything. Plus, stop putting all the failure of this on your own sholders. She went back to her ex. No matter how you were, she was clearly still not fully over her ex and you have to understand that even if you had have told her you loved her and been the perfect boyfriend, there's every chance she still would've run back to him.

 

You're currently stuck in that guilt cycle where you feel compelled to blame all this on yourself and force yourself to feel bad. Sadly only time will close that wound. The idea that you won't feel happy again is just those feelings taking over. You were happy before in a different way, and you will be happy again. You're just dealing with lots of anger, regret, sadness etc and you need time to heal from it. Never think about ending your life - no one is worth dying for. I've reached rock bottom many times and thought I'd missed out on the one.. there's really no such thing. Just the one we love at that particular time. Stay strong and don't give up. It does get better.

[Satu]

snip

I just feel like I have nothing right now. It took me so long to meet her. And I finally had my chance. I won't meet anyone like that for a long time, if ever. I keep thinking about cutting my own throat, or stabbing myself. If guns were legal here..

 

If I'm strong I can get over this. But what's the point. What the point of trying so hard, and still not being truly happy. I was so happy, and so careless. My life turned to **** in the blink of an eye..I miss her so much..

 

Tough love in the form of a Shakespeare quote:

 

 

“Some grief shows much of love,

But much of grief shows still some want of wit.”

 

― William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet

 

 

Take care.

[fromheart]

Someone who's suffering from depression is not ready for a relationship. She'll go back to her ex, probably have the same problems they had that led to their break up, break up with him and meet someone else. That cycle will continue for her until she steps out of her depression.

 

Going on what you said, its nothing to do with you. Its her head space that's causing these problems.

 

Breaking up and getting back is common with depressed people, she did it twice with you in three months. At least twice that we know of with her ex.

 

I'd really, really not recommend going out with depressed people. I speak from bitter experience here. Unless they are dealing with it, they'll lash you with it.

 

And you were doing well to just see how it gos in the first few months. When it gos like you've just experienced, it stands to reason to not commit too soon!

[struggle_isreal]

Might sound bad, but I hope they do break up.. I know I need to move on, but she's the first person I've met in years that I had any real connection with, that I saw a future with. I would deal with the depression if it meant I could have the rest.

 

If I had only expressed that, things might be different. But maybe you're right. Her depression never really manifested itself when we were together, apart from the very last time. I made her feel insecure in part due to my own insecurity. If I could do things again, I'd do it very differently. I guess that's called learning. It hurts.

 

Right now it really feels like I threw away my happiness. I'll just try and move on. I can't hold on to what ifs.

[FTM042014]

Similar story to mine. 2 months. Too serious too soon. Whirlwind relationship and she dumped me suddenly. After dumping me she was with an old ex she never mentioned. It's been a year now and they are engaged.

 

You know what? I remember telling her we are moving too fast and I eased up on that when she didn't agree. So I fell head over heels and if I could go back in time to that precise moment I would've stuck to my guns and pumped the brakes. It would have saved me a years worth of heartache that I am STILL trying to shake.

 

2-3 months is too early to be so serious. It is entirely too early to use the word love. I know because I thought it for myself. You don't even know each other well. It can take a full year for a couple to settle into it. The first 8 months or so is that limerance phase where you think the relationship is the best thing since sliced bread. Literally your brain chemistry is making you feel high as a bass guitarist at Woodstock. No need to beat yourself up you did not ruin anything. You were correct and healthy to question the speed of the relationship. You were right she was wrong! Be wary of women that want to move at lightening speed. Should be a major red flag. You may want to examine why it was so attractive for you also.

 

You are most likely dealing with a mix of wanting what you can't have and the loss of the possibilities. The thought of what could have been is a big ole B**ch. You are left to fill in the blanks with mainly awesome, great stuff that you don't even know would've happened.

 

Finally if she is with her ex so fast what does that say about where her head is and how she operates? Who's to say she wouldn't have decided to leave you and go to him at some point? Our exes are not wonderful. They do not walk on water. That is why they aren't in our lives anymore.

 

Now if only I could tell myself all of this...

[bubbaganoosh]

Got news for you. You could have gone full speed and told her how you felt and me thinks it would have been the same outcome.

 

If she isn't over her ex then it's for nothing and there isn't much you could do about it. Move on.

[smudge21]

Might sound bad, but I hope they do break up.. I know I need to move on, but she's the first person I've met in years that I had any real connection with, that I saw a future with. I would deal with the depression if it meant I could have the rest.

 

If I had only expressed that, things might be different. But maybe you're right. Her depression never really manifested itself when we were together, apart from the very last time. I made her feel insecure in part due to my own insecurity. If I could do things again, I'd do it very differently. I guess that's called learning. It hurts.

 

Right now it really feels like I threw away my happiness. I'll just try and move on. I can't hold on to what ifs.

 

Stop blaming yourself. She went back to her ex and that's all that matters. I reckon you'd feel even worse if you'd gone all out to get her and she'd still have left you.

 

Many of us here have been where you are - falling for someone who is not over their ex and ends up running back to them. Yes, we blame ourselves and thinks it's all our fault, and that only if we'd done this that or the other... blah blah. Only over time does the reality of the situation come up when our heads are clearer.

 

You can't make someone be with you or make them love you. They either do or don't. This one was clearly just bouncing around until she could finally run back to her ex. I feel for you and understand your pain right now, but trust me it will get better, and you will see the reality of this situation.

[struggle_isreal]

Girl I was seeing for 2/3 months said she didn’t think I was serious about her, and left me to be with her ex, that she randomly ‘realised she still loved’. I’m not sure if her thinking I didn’t care about her was the real reason she left me, but whatever it was, she did. And I can see with hindsight that I wasn’t open enough with how I felt. Live and learn. Afterwards I told her, but it was too late.

 

A few weeks later (with no contact), I (perhaps stupidly) messaged her, to ask how she was, partly cause I had been concerned about her depression (which I think was one of the factors that contributed to her not thinking I cared about her when we were together). But mostly it was an excuse to have some kind of contact, and to let her know I still cared how she was. I guess I wanted her to know I cared in case she and him break up at some point. Probably pointless.. and a sign I hadn’t moved on. But I didn’t want to move on at that moment.. Anyway, she didn’t respond. I kind of thought it was 50/50 whether she would or not, so I was okay with it.

 

That was 2 months ago, no contact since. I've found it hard to get over her, as I still think of her often, but trying my best to accept it and move on.

 

A couple of days ago, she FB messages me. She sends a picture (something she saw online, which relates to this in joke we had) and said it made her laugh and reminded her of me, and hoped I was ok. I didn’t reply for a couple of days, I wasn’t sure if I should at all. I did in the end. Just a casual reply. And she messaged back right away, and then we talked on messenger for a little while. Nothing too deep, just joking around.

 

The whole thing has confused me. I guess it didn’t mean anything that she messaged me.. but there’s a bit of me that hopes it does. Which, if it doesn’t, which is most likely, is really bad, as I’m still not really over her. But after the way things were left – when I last saw her in person, to get closure, I told her I loved her- it seems weird that she would just casually message me, just because.

 

At some point I know I'm going to have to ask her. I know my brain, and if there's a small (even non existent) chance, I won't be able to stop thinking about it.

 

Thoughts??

Edited September 18, 2016 by struggle_isreal
clarified

[Satu]

At some point I know I'm going to have to ask her. I know my brain, and if there's a small (even non existent) chance, I won't be able to stop thinking about it.

 

Thoughts??

 

You've not been doing NC; you've been doing, 'waiting and hoping.'

 

If you had been doing NC, she wouldn't have been able to contact you, because she would have been blocked.

 

NC isn't for everyone, but if you decide to do it, do it properly.

 

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means she might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media.

*No monitoring of her on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what she is doing or saying.

 

 

Take care.