Accepting last minute date

[DramaInPajamas]

Larry: You just need to understand where I was coming from. I had no dating experience as I married my first boyfriend that I met at 17. There I am at 45 single, with less experience than a 17 year old, and apparently super hot which I had no clue lol. You know the song it's raining men? that was my story, men were falling left and right to meet me. I could meet 2-3 men in a same day at my most busy dating phase. I dated hot dudes, younger dudes, good boys, bad boys, white, black, yellow, green and purple. Name it! I lived at 45 what I was meant to learn and live at 17. So yes, that is how I ended up meeting around 200 men.

 

Through my 3,5 years I learn, stop doing the same mistakes, stop being so sensitive to looks, started to decline invitation, started to recognized red flags, etc

 

For those with no dating experience online dating is one hell of a ride.

 

Yep! Kidnapped. Had a coffee in the middle of the day with some man I had exchanged with 3 weeks. I had his full name, and his place of work. After coffee it was poring rain and he offered to drop me at my metro station. I accepted, what could happened at 11 am on a Saturday right? Well he did not drop me at my metro station and instead took me for a 40 minute ride on highways where he tried to convince me we were meant for each other and he wanted to spend the day with me. I had the scare of my life!

 

Oh god Gaeta! Did you call the police from the car?

 

Right that will teach me now: I will never get in anyone's car.

[CryForNoOne]

Yep! Kidnapped. Had a coffee in the middle of the day with some man I had exchanged with 3 weeks. I had his full name, and his place of work. After coffee it was poring rain and he offered to drop me at my metro station. I accepted, what could happened at 11 am on a Saturday right? Well he did not drop me at my metro station and instead took me for a 40 minute ride on highways where he tried to convince me we were meant for each other and he wanted to spend the day with me. I had the scare of my life!

 

I'm so sorry that happened to you, but I cannot emphasize enough that vetting a guy for weeks and weeks achieves the opposite effect of what women are seeking. Guys who are willing to message that long are much more likely to be desperate, creeps, or both. It's much healthier and safer to limit to 5-10 messages tops then meet or move on!

[joseb]

Regarding the kidnapping, I dated a girl who was pretty much kidnapped overnight once. I won't go into details but it sounded very scary. She laughed it off but I'm sure it affected her.

[joseb]

I'm so sorry that happened to you, but I cannot emphasize enough that vetting a guy for weeks and weeks achieves the opposite effect of what women are seeking. Guys who are willing to message that long are much more likely to be desperate, creeps, or both. It's much healthier and safer to limit to 5-10 messages tops then meet or move on!

 

See I go back and forth on this.

Ive changed to asking to meet up quickly but a lot of women seem to take that to be desperate and creepy!

They need to "get to know me" via messaging first.

[CryForNoOne]

See I go back and forth on this.

Ive changed to asking to meet up quickly but a lot of women seem to take that to be desperate and creepy!

They need to "get to know me" via messaging first.

 

That's because they have been vetting guys for weeks and weeks and still meet too many creeps so they are jaded. It's a self fulfilling prophecy...

[Versacehottie]

So... who is the guy. A friend? More than a friend? Sounds like it could be a sort of date. He made plans in advance like a date, told when he would let you know, still have not heard, has ghosted before. I would say make your own plans and when he finally decides to "get around" to you.. you should tell him "sorry, didnt think I was going to hear back so I already made plans" and throw it back at him.

 

Short answer. No, I would not bother. And that is coming from a guy. If you are planing to grab a drink and catch up.. its not like hes planning a day trip to the beach or overnight stay in the mountains. Its a freakin drink. How hard is it to set that up or at least let you know something.

 

I think I remember "this" guy from your other thread. I agree with gorf. I wouldn't say NO forever, but NO to a last minute invite, I think it's really important. It sounds like he ghosted or faded on you before and now is back. I think that already shows he is lacking in showing respect for you and/or that you are not a priority to him. Also if I can read between the lines, you sound like you would like to know if you have plans--rather than are a girl who lives TRULY spontaneously.

 

So this is the prime opportunity to teach him that he will need to plan for you and be in touch IF he wants to see you. Don't get snarky or passive-aggressive about it, just say what gorf said to say (bolded above) and suggest you do it next week or later in the weekend. OR you could squeeze him in before some other plans you need to leave for (this weekend). I wouldn't go tonight though under these circumstances. He's shown you at least twice that he's not reliable. If you "allow" a last minute thing, he will become less reliable, NOT more reliable.

 

If it "loses" you your chance with him, then you never really had a chance to begin with. Good luck

 

*ooops bolded, I wouldn't put yourself down and say you didn't think you were gonna hear back (ie like you are acknowledging he's flakey and you are second best to whatever else he is doing and ok with it or passive about it), just state the facts: "sorry, i didn't hear from you, so i made other plans tonight/this weekend; looking forward to catching up with you though. next week?" Beyond that, don't do too much legwork, chasing him down. Don't forget the crucial fact, that you lose nothing (especially not your own precious TIME), if he outs himself as a flake and you never get to go on this date with him.

 

side note: My friend JUST went through something like this the last few days. I'm bummed that she didn't listen to my advice because I do think she HAD a chance with this guy who in a lot of ways seemed perfect for her. He had met her at a concert (he's in a band) and plucked her out of people in the audience. They exchanged first names and hers is common. They had some VIP friend in common so he tracked her down via social media in the following week and they started talking. She was making up reasons to go to the city where he lives (that I could somewhat live with because there was some legitimacy to it, though I think it was a little transparent and essentially she started chasing him a bit). Instead they ended up meeting up in another city where he was playing another concert and she "just happened to be". They completely hooked up the first night, even though she told him she wasn't going to be doing that (2nd mistake and a big one--I told her if you state it, stick to it. Truth is, she is pretty bohemian--him too--so I don't think it would have made much of a difference if she just hooked up with him OTHER THAN the fact that she said she wouldn't and then did!).

 

After a great time in many ways, he's failed to contact her much and fading out. He's actually coming for a concert where she lives this week--she knows even though they haven't spoken about it. She was asking me when she could get in contact with him and felt pressure because the concert is a hard deadline of him being in her area. I said she couldn't contact him. Adamantly! He hadn't answered her last text. He knows where she lives. He also had the gumption to track her down initially with a common name on social media. So any contact she wasn't getting from him now was because he didn't want to, not motivated to. There comes a point where speeding things up or trying to, actually defeats the cause!!! I do think he eventually would have contacted her based on what I knew BUT I also knew they were in that danger zone that often happens here on various threads, like this one.

 

Against advice I gave her and another friend gave too, she contacted him and discussed wanting to see him while he was in her area and think it was the straw that broke the camel's back. He told her he wouldn't be able to. B.s, not interested now, so obvious. I think the part that bums me out the most is that if you try to hurry things up, you end up looking desperate which makes you look unattractive to someone that is ALREADY on the fence (for whatever reason) and it BECOMES the reason that the connection is blown, mainly because the person got impatient unnecessarily. I wish people would get that!!! Good luck.

Edited July 30, 2016 by Versacehottie

[DramaInPajamas]

Thanks Versacehottie, that is good advice.

 

When he faded, I just let him go. He came back though after 2 weeks.

 

had I kept texting him and asking him what was up, I doubt I would have had any chance with him.

 

So I have reasoned from this that if I leave well alone, he may come back. I didnt want to give him the impression that I would ever chase him as I wont. I am done with chasing flaky men and if they go they can go, I wont bother. Perhaps he has picked up on this.

 

He cant have failed to notice that I have not been in touch either since we had a nice time together?

 

if I refuse to accept a last minute date will that further reinforce that I wont tolerate flaky behavior?

[drew_meister]

I think I remember "this" guy from your other thread. I agree with gorf. I wouldn't say NO forever, but NO to a last minute invite, I think it's really important. It sounds like he ghosted or faded on you before and now is back. I think that already shows he is lacking in showing respect for you and/or that you are not a priority to him. Also if I can read between the lines, you sound like you would like to know if you have plans--rather than are a girl who lives TRULY spontaneously.

 

So this is the prime opportunity to teach him that he will need to plan for you and be in touch IF he wants to see you. Don't get snarky or passive-aggressive about it, just say what gorf said to say (bolded above) and suggest you do it next week or later in the weekend. OR you could squeeze him in before some other plans you need to leave for (this weekend). I wouldn't go tonight though under these circumstances. He's shown you at least twice that he's not reliable. If you "allow" a last minute thing, he will become less reliable, NOT more reliable.

 

If it "loses" you your chance with him, then you never really had a chance to begin with. Good luck

 

*ooops bolded, I wouldn't put yourself down and say you didn't think you were gonna hear back (ie like you are acknowledging he's flakey and you are second best to whatever else he is doing and ok with it or passive about it), just state the facts: "sorry, i didn't hear from you, so i made other plans tonight/this weekend; looking forward to catching up with you though. next week?" Beyond that, don't do too much legwork, chasing him down. Don't forget the crucial fact, that you lose nothing (especially not your own precious TIME), if he outs himself as a flake and you never get to go on this date with him.

 

side note: My friend JUST went through something like this the last few days. I'm bummed that she didn't listen to my advice because I do think she HAD a chance with this guy who in a lot of ways seemed perfect for her. He had met her at a concert (he's in a band) and plucked her out of people in the audience. They exchanged first names and hers is common. They had some VIP friend in common so he tracked her down via social media in the following week and they started talking. She was making up reasons to go to the city where he lives (that I could somewhat live with because there was some legitimacy to it, though I think it was a little transparent and essentially she started chasing him a bit). Instead they ended up meeting up in another city where he was playing another concert and she "just happened to be". They completely hooked up the first night, even though she told him she wasn't going to be doing that (2nd mistake and a big one--I told her if you state it, stick to it. Truth is, she is pretty bohemian--him too--so I don't think it would have made much of a difference if she just hooked up with him OTHER THAN the fact that she said she wouldn't and then did!).

 

After a great time in many ways, he's failed to contact her much and fading out. He's actually coming for a concert where she lives this week--she knows even though they haven't spoken about it. She was asking me when she could get in contact with him and felt pressure because the concert is a hard deadline of him being in her area. I said she couldn't contact him. Adamantly! He hadn't answered her last text. He knows where she lives. He also had the gumption to track her down initially with a common name on social media. So any contact she wasn't getting from him now was because he didn't want to, not motivated to. There comes a point where speeding things up or trying to, actually defeats the cause!!! I do think he eventually would have contacted her based on what I knew BUT I also knew they were in that danger zone that often happens here on various threads, like this one.

 

Against advice I gave her and another friend gave too, she contacted him and discussed wanting to see him while he was in her area and think it was the straw that broke the camel's back. He told her he wouldn't be able to. B.s, not interested now, so obvious. I think the part that bums me out the most is that if you try to hurry things up, you end up looking desperate which makes you look unattractive to someone that is ALREADY on the fence (for whatever reason) and it BECOMES the reason that the connection is blown, mainly because the person got impatient unnecessarily. I wish people would get that!!! Good luck.

 

Your advice IS the definition of passive aggressive...

[Versacehottie]

Your advice IS the definition of passive aggressive...

 

Lol, is it? I don't see it like that at all. She will just be offering up facts when and if she talks to him (he waited too long to accept a last minute date--I should add, she SHOULD have already made other plans, even if it is something she does alone and at home. Nothing wrong with having some standards).

 

Spoken like a true beta guy. instead of criticizing my advice, why not offer up your own advice to OP?

 

I don't see anything wrong with letting a guy do what he said he would, ie contact her about the catch up date later in the week. Why not? If you want to see what a person, of either sex, is worth in terms of reliability than all you have to do is let them follow through OR not. You don't over-eagerly do the thing they promised to do for them AS IF you have no other choices and have already decided he is the man for you. Coupled with this one's tendency to already have proved himself a bit flakey.

 

My advice would be virtually the same if the girl was flakey, faded and then returned. Anyway, most girls don't really want guys that they need to chase. They get sucked in sometimes and then are disappointed with what they end up with.

[Redhead14]

Would you?

 

Guy who has done a ghosting and come back asked me for a catch up drinks over the weekend. He asked me on Wednesday. It is now Friday. He said he would let me know end of the week.

 

Would you bother going if he asks me last minute?

 

NOPE!!! I don't appreciate a man who attempts to keep me on a string and be available at his beck and call . . . he ghosted . . . low interest from him get's no interest from me.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I have.

 

I had terrible luck on eharmony and match. A couple of morons from match and eharmony I had a couple of short relationships but they ended up not serious either. I expected more from paid sites.

 

I kind of thought so too. Many people do. The players are counting on you thinking that as well.

 

I find many "glamorized" profiles online. Fake. It's frustrating. Also, there are plenty of ladies who upgrade thinking that the quality will suddenly change all of a sudden. SIGH. Oh, well...

[Gr8fuln2020]

NOPE!!! I don't appreciate a man who attempts to keep me on a string and be available at his beck and call . . . he ghosted . . . low interest from him get's no interest from me.

 

Agreed.

 

DramaInPajamas. I am afraid you hoping for advice that better reflects your hopes than the possible reality that exists. My opinion stands...he ghosted you b/c you were not a priority. He is working on empty and is going back to the vapors he experienced before disappearing. Just my thought, but I don't see a long-term relationship coming out of this. He's fishing and once he finds another juicy king salmon, he's going to ghost you again.

[gorf]

Is online dating your only option?

[DramaInPajamas]

Your advice IS the definition of passive aggressive...

 

Then all of the advice on here is to be passive aggressive.

 

Everyone on here says to just leave well alone if someone is luke warm about their interest or vanishes and comes back.

 

He did text me on Wednesday to say he would let me know later on in the week and that he looked forward to it. I never replied to that text. Should I have?

 

I didnt think I had to reply seeing as I had already said I would be free at some point over the weekend and I agreed to see him.

[DramaInPajamas]

Is online dating your only option?

 

Sort of. It is hard to meet new people here. I live in a massive city which is quite impersonal and people often arent open to meeting new people.

[CryForNoOne]

Then all of the advice on here is to be passive aggressive.

 

Everyone on here says to just leave well alone if someone is luke warm about their interest or vanishes and comes back.

 

He did text me on Wednesday to say he would let me know later on in the week and that he looked forward to it. I never replied to that text. Should I have?

 

I didnt think I had to reply seeing as I had already said I would be free at some point over the weekend and I agreed to see him.

 

Yes you should have replied. It eliminates uncertainty. Look, we've established the following:

 

- You're lonely. You stated this. He probably knows this.

- He ghosted you.

- He came back because you're some number other than option #1.

 

Accept it for what it is. Either see him or don't. Stop worrying about what he's thinking and pretending to have fake plans already based on how long it takes him to get back to you even though you never replied. I seriously doubt there is any long term potential here. However, you could use this a stepping stone for yourself. Enjoy the night out. Get back in the game. By over-analyzing all this nonsense, you're allowing him to get in your head, which is exactly what you want to avoid...

[CryForNoOne]

Sort of. It is hard to meet new people here. I live in a massive city which is quite impersonal and people often arent open to meeting new people.

 

Do you know how ridiculous this sounds to the folks on here that drive 2 hours to even meet somebody? (although I highly doubt that is really true for them either...)

[CryForNoOne]

side note: My friend JUST went through something like this the last few days. I'm bummed that she didn't listen to my advice because I do think she HAD a chance with this guy who in a lot of ways seemed perfect for her. He had met her at a concert (he's in a band) and plucked her out of people in the audience. They exchanged first names and hers is common. They had some VIP friend in common so he tracked her down via social media in the following week and they started talking. She was making up reasons to go to the city where he lives (that I could somewhat live with because there was some legitimacy to it, though I think it was a little transparent and essentially she started chasing him a bit). Instead they ended up meeting up in another city where he was playing another concert and she "just happened to be". They completely hooked up the first night, even though she told him she wasn't going to be doing that (2nd mistake and a big one--I told her if you state it, stick to it. Truth is, she is pretty bohemian--him too--so I don't think it would have made much of a difference if she just hooked up with him OTHER THAN the fact that she said she wouldn't and then did!).

 

After a great time in many ways, he's failed to contact her much and fading out. He's actually coming for a concert where she lives this week--she knows even though they haven't spoken about it. She was asking me when she could get in contact with him and felt pressure because the concert is a hard deadline of him being in her area. I said she couldn't contact him. Adamantly! He hadn't answered her last text. He knows where she lives. He also had the gumption to track her down initially with a common name on social media. So any contact she wasn't getting from him now was because he didn't want to, not motivated to. There comes a point where speeding things up or trying to, actually defeats the cause!!! I do think he eventually would have contacted her based on what I knew BUT I also knew they were in that danger zone that often happens here on various threads, like this one.

 

Against advice I gave her and another friend gave too, she contacted him and discussed wanting to see him while he was in her area and think it was the straw that broke the camel's back. He told her he wouldn't be able to. B.s, not interested now, so obvious. I think the part that bums me out the most is that if you try to hurry things up, you end up looking desperate which makes you look unattractive to someone that is ALREADY on the fence (for whatever reason) and it BECOMES the reason that the connection is blown, mainly because the person got impatient unnecessarily. I wish people would get that!!! Good luck.

 

Why was he "perfect for her?" Because he was out of her league? I'm sorry to say there was no missed opportunity. He got exactly what he wanted and moved on. She drove to him and he knows it. All she did by "speeding things up" was to give him supreme confidence he was going to get in her pants that much sooner. It was textbook ONS with a groupie and he has at least one in every town. Any advice you gave her, whether she took it or not, would not have changed the outcome one bit...

[elaine567]

You met him, slept with him, he disappeared, now he is back, but he keeps you dangling and no doubt he now has a better offer for this weekend.

 

If this guy was a road sweeper, you would have kicked him to the curb long ago, but as he is a surgeon apparently he can do what he likes...

[leogirl876]

I wouldn't give this guy the time of day. A year and a half ago I got back into the dating scene which was on OLD. I had very little experience with it because I had a couple of LTRs that I met IRL which were all very straight forward relationships. All this texting, games and ghosting was a new thing for me so I was very naive. This one guy I met on Tinder ghosted me after sex and we were seeing each other for a couple months. Trust me, the pain I felt from ghosting was horrible. I've never had anyone do that. Well then about 6 months later he tried to come back in my life and wanted to take me out. Being naive I thought he was "coming to his senses". We had plans to go out to dinner and then at the last minute he canceled. Then about 6 months later he tried to contact me again. The last time, I totally ignored him because I now understand what this is all about when I didn't before. I'd say stay away from this guy, he sounds just like the guy I went out with who will chew you up and spit you back out when he's done. Not a good guy to be around that's for sure!

[Versacehottie]

Then all of the advice on here is to be passive aggressive.

 

Everyone on here says to just leave well alone if someone is luke warm about their interest or vanishes and comes back.

 

He did text me on Wednesday to say he would let me know later on in the week and that he looked forward to it. I never replied to that text. Should I have?

 

I didnt think I had to reply seeing as I had already said I would be free at some point over the weekend and I agreed to see him.

 

I don't know if it's passive aggressive (as the definition seems to be confusing now!!! though I stand by that what I advised is NOT passive aggressive) but it's not the ONLY solution. It's very easy for people to just say dump him, don't reply, "next" to every dilemma. There is a way to work the middle ground and if nothing else you will learn from doing so. I think sometimes those are exactly the skills posters with questions like your need to learn because it's often part of the reason they end up in this predicament. Shutting everyone out and just moving on endlessly is not the solution (it may be in this case but that hasn't been determined yet, IMO).

 

I think that it can be silly to just continually shut people out as if that's the only solution. You have to trust yourself to know how to manage situations and WHEN it's time to leave. I think some people's replies indicate that for them they DO think it's time to give up, for whatever reason/their own perspective. I don't think you feel that way though and under the circumstances, I think that's ok. It's not like he's done something horrible. The beginning doesn't often run smoothly or the uncertainty itself causes problems, which looks the same as if you shouldn't be proceeding (contrary to what people seem to indicate that all beginnings need to be perfect). Idk, but I think you will learn more from doing something rather than just shutting him out and feeling regret because you actually want to still go out with him.

 

I'm not sure what you are saying about the texts. IMO, I agree with the salty but correct Cryfor that you should have replied, but how you've presented it here, it also may not have required a reply, which is what I think you were saying. If he's not following through because of that tiny thing, well then he is just too insecure/beta or you are not a priority to him. Also unfortunately, perhaps there is not enough chemistry there and each of you is missing opportunities to create more chemistry, such as some flirting or banter following his last text. I get you though, in context, basically flirting texts at that point would have maybe seemed desperate. It's a bit tough and can all spiral downhills when there's been a f*ckup, like a 2 week fading incident.

 

Anyway, good luck!

[DramaInPajamas]

So nothing so far.

 

I said I would see him at the weekend. He texted on Wednesday to say he would let me know later in the week and that he was looking forward to it

 

Should I have responded to that?

 

Now Saturday and nothing. What is he playing at?

[Gaeta]

So nothing so far.

 

I said I would see him at the weekend. He texted on Wednesday to say he would let me know later in the week and that he was looking forward to it

 

Should I have responded to that?

 

Now Saturday and nothing. What is he playing at?

 

 

Don't wast any brain energy on the why. He is not worth it. You block and move on to someone that WANTS to date you.

 

Remember, less time you spend on these flakes, faster you'll meet the one.

 

In all of my dating history - never someone ghosting on me and coming back ended up being a happy story.

[DramaInPajamas]

So he got back me early evening today. I am in Europe so it was about 7pm when he texted me asking me what I was up to.

 

I havent replied yet. I will not give him the impression that I will just run out with him at the last minute.

[Dis]

So he got back me early evening today. I am in Europe so it was about 7pm when he texted me asking me what I was up to.

 

I havent replied yet. I will not give him the impression that I will just run out with him at the last minute.

 

Oh hun...this guy just is not worth your time

 

Pls pls value yourself! You are worth so much more than standing around as someone's back up plan

 

Hun like I said before...would you do this to someone??? Ghost them for 2 weeks....then text them with a hald a** attempt to meet up??? I dont think you would...so dont tolerate someone doing this to you

 

I know you're kind of holding out hope that maybe...just maybe this could work out...even if he ends up just being your friend...but I can tell you from experience....this guy wouldnt be a good bf or a good friend....there is nothing positive that you can gain from talking to this guy

 

Time to cut the cord hun...block him and take your power back