Just broken 😣😣😣

[Sadmummu]

Hi everyone and firstly I want you apologise for reading my post. My story is I went out with a functioning alcoholic for a year and a half.....it was pretty rough the whole way through but my bone crushingly love for him kept me with him. Anyway fast forward to a month ago and he went on a nurse led detox which he said would change his personality, which it did however after having spent a year and a half supporting him with his alcoholism he gets sober and finished with me......there's nothing deeper to his decision than the fact he thinks be can do better than me now he is dry. My heart is completely broken and I'm struggling to get through each day. I feel such a total fool for sticking with him for so long only for him to dump me......I have wasted a year and a half of my life bit all i want is for him to call me...which I can absolutely guarantee he won't. How can be not miss me and be sad and wanting to have some kind of contact. I love him more than I can explain amy every day is a terrible struggle. I can't stop thinking how he has probably got a girlfriend now and the weekends are particularly bad for me because he'll be going out with her....I feel just horrific

[Sadmummu]

That was supposed to say thank you for reading my post not apologise!! Xx

[elaine567]

Why did you put up with an alcoholic for a whole year and half.

Did you not feel you deserved any better?

 

I would think that addicts of any kind, once they get better want to ditch the "old life" and unfortunately for you, that in this case is you.

 

Do not take it personally, he is only trying to protect himself and make sure he is not tempted again by the demon drink.

 

You need to get help bolstering up your self esteem, so that you stop thinking an alcoholic is the best that you can do.

[Sadmummu]

Couldn't agree more. ..my friends regularly asked the same thing of me.....guess I just fell in love

[mg101]

I feel the same way. He wasn't an alcoholic but he was 10 notches below me in many ways. And I'm not even egotistical but can admit that now. I encouraged him and dealt with him expecting he'd change. He didn't. I actually broke it off 2 months ago and the extent of him "fighting for me" was one msg and a bday dry text. I'm pissed. But I know my focus should be WHY I even lowered my standards to that level to begin with. Ask yourself that. Why did YOU even think about "functioning alcoholic" was an appropriate partner? The answer will probably answer why you even care that he is gone now. , and I have a sneaking suspicion is related to self esteem, worth and to some degree codependency issues.

 

Don't be hard on yourself. It's not about him, do the work related to you and it'll help you distance from your feelings. Easier said than done, I know. I've made strides. Buy it's a process, often with back sliding due to esteem issues. Keep at it. I am.

[Sadmummu]

You're absolutely right....I look back and can't believe that I accepted that he was all I was "worth"....my self esteem is shattered more now because he dumped me when he was sober. ....my journey to indifference about him is going to be a long one I fear but I really do need to focus on the fact that I really am worth more than him.....xx

[Bialy]

Think about it this way:

 

You've learned that you can love unconditionally and help someone through hard times. It shows you have a big, strong heart with a lot to love to give TO THE RIGHT PERSON. He wasn't the right person.

 

His loss is another man's gain.

[mmmike]

Hi everyone and firstly I want you apologise for reading my post. My story is I went out with a functioning alcoholic for a year and a half.....it was pretty rough the whole way through but my bone crushingly love for him kept me with him. Anyway fast forward to a month ago and he went on a nurse led detox which he said would change his personality, which it did however after having spent a year and a half supporting him with his alcoholism he gets sober and finished with me......there's nothing deeper to his decision than the fact he thinks be can do better than me now he is dry. My heart is completely broken and I'm struggling to get through each day. I feel such a total fool for sticking with him for so long only for him to dump me......I have wasted a year and a half of my life bit all i want is for him to call me...which I can absolutely guarantee he won't. How can be not miss me and be sad and wanting to have some kind of contact. I love him more than I can explain amy every day is a terrible struggle. I can't stop thinking how he has probably got a girlfriend now and the weekends are particularly bad for me because he'll be going out with her....I feel just horrific

 

My ex and I broke up over a year ago even though we almost got back together but then didn't. We have had one two hour conversation by phone since the break up and that's the only contact we've had since. It took me the better part of a year to start feeling better. I was DEVASTATED. But a year after the b/u i do finally feel better. I used to come here reading people's stories about how eventually you'll feel better and I didn't believe them. Well, the proof is that now I know exactly what they meant. Ball your eyes out and grieve for the next few months. It's going to be hell, but I promise you after that, you will feel better.

[Sadmummu]

My ex and I broke up over a year ago even though we almost got back together but then didn't. We have had one two hour conversation by phone since the break up and that's the only contact we've had since. It took me the better part of a year to start feeling better. I was DEVASTATED. But a year after the b/u i do finally feel better. I used to come here reading people's stories about how eventually you'll feel better and I didn't believe them. Well, the proof is that now I know exactly what they meant. Ball your eyes out and grieve for the next few months. It's going to be hell, but I promise you after that, you will feel better.

 

 

Thank you so much. ...I'm doing the same....reading people's stories in the desperate hope that I will get some comfort and praying that this pain goes away...it feels like it's suffocating me and every day is a struggle for me...can i ask you did you date anyone else in the year it took you to get over it? I feel like I "should " just because I know my ex is xx

[Sadmummu]

Think about it this way:

 

You've learned that you can love unconditionally and help someone through hard times. It shows you have a big, strong heart with a lot to love to give TO THE RIGHT PERSON. He wasn't the right person.

 

His loss is another man's gain.

 

What a lovely thing to say and thank you.....I hope he realuses what he's lost.... not that I think he will...xx

[tomatome]

You are obviously a kind and supportive person. You probably feel totally used and deceived. God bless that things get better for you in time. They will.

 

This seems to happen a lot that it has become its own meme. Don't try to help/support people for which the only solution for their problems is themselves and the choices they themselves need to make. Especially don't believe what they say. And be glad to be done with him because this could have gone on a lot longer with the same result.

 

For me, propping up an extremely depressed and self-loathing girlfriend for three years. She is off now to pursue the fantasy ex with whom she blew it with the first time because of her issues. Breaking up with me she thanked me for making her stronger. Gee, thanks a lot.

[Sadmummu]

You are obviously a kind and supportive person. You probably feel totally used and deceived. God bless that things get better for you in time. They will.

 

This seems to happen a lot that it has become its own meme. Don't try to help/support people for which the only solution for their problems is themselves and the choices they themselves need to make. Especially don't believe what they say. And be glad to be done with him because this could have gone on a lot longer with the same result.

 

For me, propping up an extremely depressed and self-loathing girlfriend for three years. She is off now to pursue the fantasy ex with whom she blew it with the first time because of her issues. Breaking up with me she thanked me for making her stronger. Gee, thanks a lot.

 

Thank you so much you're right I feel so used and let down. ....he already has a girlfriend 3 weeks after we split up apparently.. sickens me to my stomach that I put up with all his crap and supported him and now this new girl is seeing all the benefits.......I've woken up today feeling more indignant about what happened than I gave felt before I'm hoping this feeling continues and I can actually feel happy taht he's now someone else's problem xx

[Redhead14]

You're absolutely right....I look back and can't believe that I accepted that he was all I was "worth"....my self esteem is shattered more now because he dumped me when he was sober. ....my journey to indifference about him is going to be a long one I fear but I really do need to focus on the fact that I really am worth more than him.....xx

 

This was a co-dependent relationship. The man is an alcoholic and during that year and a half was living in an alcohol induced "fog". He wasn't in touch with his emotions well enough to know what was what for him.

 

When he came out of that fog, he realized that he was in the relationship for the wrong reasons and so were you.

 

Get focused on your own life as a single, independent, secure woman in your own right. Learn from the experience and move forward with a renewed understanding of what a good relationship should look like.

[Sadmummu]

This was a co-dependent relationship. The man is an alcoholic and during that year and a half was living in an alcohol induced "fog". He wasn't in touch with his emotions well enough to know what was what for him.

 

When he came out of that fog, he realized that he was in the relationship for the wrong reasons and so were you.

 

Get focused on your own life as a single, independent, secure woman in your own right. Learn from the experience and move forward with a renewed understanding of what a good relationship should look like.

 

So he spent a year and a half drunk with me and then got sober and realised he didn't want me. ...my God that's made me feel worse

[Redhead14]

So he spent a year and a half drunk with me and then got sober and realised he didn't want me. ...my God that's made me feel worse

 

I didn't intend to make you feel worse . . . I just wanted to point out that the man just wasn't tuned in anyway. You weren't seeing "HIM", you were seeing the alcoholic him. I'm willing to bet that if you continued to see him sober you might not like him as much either. He's right that getting sober would "change" his personality, but its' not really changing it, it's just that the real him is being allowed to come through.

[Sadmummu]

I didn't intend to make you feel worse . . . I just wanted to point out that the man just wasn't tuned in anyway. You weren't seeing "HIM", you were seeing the alcoholic him. I'm willing to bet that if you continued to see him sober you might not like him as much either. He's right that getting sober would "change" his personality, but its' not really changing it, it's just that the real him is being allowed to come through.

 

No I know you didn't x yep the 4 weeks that I was with him after he got dry it was like going out with a different person. ...I said to my friends that if I'd met the "sober" him I wouldn't have fallen in love with him as he was a totally different person to the "drunk" personality.......I guess I just feel so used. ...amd have ended up with a broken heart when his life seems to be on the up

[Redhead14]

No I know you didn't x yep the 4 weeks that I was with him after he got dry it was like going out with a different person. ...I said to my friends that if I'd met the "sober" him I wouldn't have fallen in love with him as he was a totally different person to the "drunk" personality.......I guess I just feel so used. ...amd have ended up with a broken heart when his life seems to be on the up

 

his life seems to be on the up -- You do not know if his life is on the up and up nor do you know how long it will stay that way. He's just recently gotten sober, there will likely be relapses and, if he is in another "relationship" so soon, it's not likely to last either. He needs to be clean and sober for quite sometime before he can be a good partner for anyone. You don't know what's going on for him behind the "scenes". He's got a long road ahead of him. He'll never be "cured". Alcoholics will always be alcoholics and struggle daily with their addiction even well into "recovery".

 

You have actually dodged a big bullet here. Rest in that thought.

[Sadmummu]

Horrible place to be at the moment I guess

Edited August 1, 2016 by Sadmummu
Repeated post...have entered it twice by mistake so am needing to delete

[Sadmummu]

his life seems to be on the up -- You do not know if his life is on the up and up nor do you know how long it will stay that way. He's just recently gotten sober, there will likely be relapses and, if he is in another "relationship" so soon, it's not likely to last either. He needs to be clean and sober for quite sometime before he can be a good partner for anyone. You don't know what's going on for him behind the "scenes". He's got a long road ahead of him. He'll never be "cured". Alcoholics will always be alcoholics and struggle daily with their addiction even well into "recovery".

 

You have actually dodged a big bullet here. Rest in that thought.

 

 

Thank you. ....you're probably absolutely right. . Sigh. ...life's hard sometimes

[Redhead14]

Horrible place to be at the moment I guess

 

It will take time. Be good to yourself, be patient. Give yourself time to grieve but don't dwell. Get out as much as possible. Buy yourself something you've always wanted . . .