SA2013 Posted June 9, 2016 Posted June 9, 2016 My girlfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. I am 35 years old, went through s divorce about 3 years ago to s woman I was married to for 8.5 years. My girlfriend on the other hand is 26 years old and has never been married. We were long distance for about six months and the. She moved here after she graduated. She said that she loves me really soon. And I said it back. Just recently we talked about breaking up. She brought it up saying that she isn't sure and that she wonders if there is someone out there better for me. We haven't had sex in a few months. Honestly it's hard to open up when someone is so wishywashy. I feel this behind the seenes and if I ever bring it up she denies it. I just feel a reservation with her. I love her a lot and don't want to break up, but also I don't want to make same mistakes I did with my first marriage. Although my first marriage there was no doubts between the both of us and we were all in. 8.5 years of marriage she drops the hat and sayings she had been waiting for this one guy my best friend her whole life. He was her soul mate. So I don't believe in soul mates, especially it seems to be something that people fall in and out of. I want a girl who is good with relationships. Anyways my girlfriend came over a couple nights ago crying and bagging not to break up. I am feeling on the fence. I don't know if I could trust her. She said she wants to go to therapy and work on our issues.
BikerAccnt Posted June 9, 2016 Posted June 9, 2016 If you don't really want to break up, and she's willing to go to therapy, I say go. It may help to clarify what you are both feeling. It may also help you with the trust issue you are having. I understand that after a divorce (having been divorced myself) it can be hard to open up again, but if you want a strong loving relationship, you have to, and you have to be able to trust. Sure, there is no certainly that the trust will not be broken, but you can't have a good relationship without it. 2
Gloria25 Posted June 9, 2016 Posted June 9, 2016 IMO, many people who divorce continue to date and jump into new RLs without retrospective take on what role they had in the reason behind their divorce. I mean, for your wife, after 8.5 to turn into a pumpkin just makes me wonder if it had to do with you not seeing red flags and/or ignoring them. I mean, your current gf is 26. She won't be the same at 28 and/or 30. She still is maturing. IMO, "she" isn't the one who needs therapy. She needs to grow up. You also got into a LDR with her. In a LDR it's hard to really get to know someone. Now you're figuring out who she actually is. So, IMO, your gf is too young and still is in "development" and maybe it's time for you to step out of the dating world, get some counseling and find out some stuff about yourself before you may make the same mistake and pick poorly again. Good luck 2
katiegrl Posted June 9, 2016 Posted June 9, 2016 My girlfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. We haven't had sex in a few months. A few months? May I ask why not? In any event, this isn't good. Sounds like she is emotionally attached but no longer attracted? How about you? Are you still attracted to her? Physically, sexually? How do you handle not having sex with your gf for a few months? Just curious. 2
Buddhist Posted June 9, 2016 Posted June 9, 2016 I am 35 years old, went through s divorce about 3 years ago to s woman I was married to for 8.5 years. My girlfriend on the other hand is 26 years old and has never been married. So there is a disparity in relationships experience not just age. You are more keenly aware of how things can turn out even when everything seems okay on the surface. You've had a major disillusionment and that has made you wise in relationships from experience. Just recently we talked about breaking up. She brought it up saying that she isn't sure and that she wonders if there is someone out there better for me. I feel this behind the seenes and if I ever bring it up she denies it. I just feel a reservation with her. Well she is extremely young, not even a true adult yet. Most people don't really grow up until around 30. I think you are not wrong to wonder if she really knows what she wants yet. You are probably wondering if she even is being honest with herself on the issue. Her ambivalence is not inspiring confidence that she has truly made up her mind to be all-in. Anyways my girlfriend came over a couple nights ago crying and bagging not to break up. I am feeling on the fence. I don't know if I could trust her. She said she wants to go to therapy and work on our issues. I think if it's therapy after just a few years there isn't a lot of hope for this relationship long term. It's still very early days and I rather suspect she wants therapy so an authoritative opinion can tell her what she really wants in this too. I think she is begging not to break up out of fear of uncertainty more than knowing where she stands. Up to you how much more time you want to give this in order for her to be sure. I'm not convinced there is anything more going on here than just she's young and is still figuring out her life and where she wants to take it. 1
preraph Posted June 10, 2016 Posted June 10, 2016 I can see why you're feeling a bit paralyzed. What a blow to be dumped from a long marriage for your friend. It really does destroy all trust in people. But do try to remember that while plenty of people are capable of that, there are just as many who are not and couldn't live with themselves if they did. Maybe you just have some more working it out in your head to do, but please, even if you decide to stop dating for awhile, do not stop going out with whatever loyal friends have stayed with you through this debacle. Those are your real friends, the ones who shunned him and her and stuck with you. And I hope there are some, because I know how that goes, too. Take up a nice physical hobby to work the stress out of your body and plan yourself to take off and do something you really enjoy, even if it's alone, each week. Make yourself have some joy. You could put this lady on hold and tell her it was just too soon and maybe revisit it later if you want. She's probably not going to sit still for long at her age. Good luck. 1
JAbba2gEther Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 Hello SA2013, is it all right if I take some of your own question and make short but pertinent comments that could be of benefit to you? I am 35 years old, went through s divorce about 3 years ago to s woman I was married to for 8.5 years...she drops the hat and sayings she had been waiting for this one guy my best friend her whole life. He was her soul mate I would first like to say that I am sorry you were betrayed by your best friend and your ex-wife, which I see as a double whammy to you. You trusted both persons to do the best for you; and to show integrity. I cannot comment on who was to blame - your ex-wife or your best friend, but betrayal like this is a tremendous hit that can cause you to lose trust in humans altogether. I am wondering whether you have communicated your feelings to a trained counsellor who has experience in grief and loss; and also in situations of betrayal such as you have faced? This takes time to heal, and any mistrust issues you now face will be carried into any further relationship in terms of you holding back in intimacy, the extend you commit in the relationship; and the level of commitment in the relationship. Because, at the end of the day, you always have the memory, at the back of your mind, of how you were betrayed after 8.5 years. This is where counselling could restore this faith in humanity you may have lost. Just recently we talked about breaking up. She brought it up saying that she isn't sure and that she wonders if there is someone out there better for me. This is fairly common in any intense relationship. When a girl is becoming serious in a relationship, often she wants to test whether the commitment to the next stage is worthwhile. Just because she hasn't been married before, it doesn't mean she hasn't dated, experienced the heartbreak of losing the person she loved intensely. This could be further exacerbated as her previous men may have been one of those who took away her virginity - and this is often valuable to a woman as it signals that an action that is normally reserved for the imagined life time partner and for childbearing has been lost - and often this is a great loss for a female more intense than for a man. So, to trust again means she will want to see commitment from you. Did you ask her why she felt that there may be someone better than you for her? Did you reassure her that she means the world to you and that you are convinced she is valuable to you? Honestly it's hard to open up when someone is so wishywashy. If you have read "men are from Mars and women are from Venus", you know that men and women communicate differently. Family of origin is also important as an individual often learns how to communicate with his/her partner from their own parents. Why do you interpret her reservations as 'wishy-washy'? She wanted to approach the subject to discuss with you, but didn't want to hurt you. She was being cautious as she didn't know how you would respond. But, given that she may have been hurt before, or she wanted to assess whether you felt she wasn't good enough for you, do you think it may have been reasonable for her to subtly hint? When you say "it's hard to open up", do you struggle to talk about your feelings to you loved ones or trusted friends? Have you seen your own father communicate his feelings to your mother? When you were married to your first wife, did you find it easy to approach disagreements, matters of the heart, or topics that required negotiation or compromise; and did you have open-ended discussions with your ex-wife? There are different communication styles that exist. How do you communicate? How does your present girlfriend communicate her needs and desires to you? Are you a good listener and able to summarise what she says to you? Is your girlfriend a good listener, too? Or does communicate consist of silence, screaming, accusing, or just superficial small talk? I don't want to make same mistakes I did with my first marriage. This is a great goal. However, have you given yourself time to think about what happened in the first marriage. They say "it takes two to tango" and I recall it was your ex-wife's decision to run off with your best friend. So, at least part of the blame is attributed to her because she CHOSE to walk out on the marriage. However, were there aspects of the marriage that could have been improved? Have you allowed yourself to sit down and do an honest self appraisal of what could have been done better? What are some ways that communication could have improved, for example? I would highly encourage you to seek after a trained marriage/relationships counsellor to talk about this as any successful long term relationship is not based on mere feeling and 'good sex' (even though this is the message at the movies), but is based on a commitment to work together, good communication, compromise and negotiation; and developing trust. You won't have that if you work hard, get a beer from the fridge and watch the Super Bowl without thinking about emotionally connecting with your partner. Anyways my girlfriend came over a couple nights ago crying and bagging not to break up. I am feeling on the fence. I don't know if I could trust her. She said she wants to go to therapy and work on our issues. This is positive. This means that she is committed to working things out with you. Of course, mistrust is something that you will face for the rest of your life UNTIL you deal with the open wound you still face from the betrayal of your first marriage. That's why I encourage yo to see a counsellor. If she wants to go to therapy, I would suggest you both go together for a couple of initial sessions so the counsellor knows your reactions and sees how you relate together, and then have some sessions alone so you can share the experiences you have faced and how it affected you. She may need to do the same. Ultimately, love involves risk, and intimacy (not merely the physical intimacy of sex) requires you to be open to your chosen partner, to risk being hurt again, and to be committed to the partner you choose to be with. I was married.. for 8.5 years Do you know the National Average for a marriage to last in the United States in 2015 is around 8.2 years? An average means that some are far shorter, and some are far longer. Did you also know that the 'in love' chemicals often wear off after two years of marriage, and then the 'seven year itch' is not a myth. It is HARD to maintain a lifelong relationship with one person, but not impossible. It takes a commitment from both sides, and it takes integrity to remain faithful despite the feelings. My own mother and father were married for 35 years before my father died, my sister and brother-in-law married for 33 years in 2015; and I was married in 1999 and still with my wife and first love. I know that there are troughs to go through. Children and work may even prevent sexual intimacy for a while, but the friendship that develops over the years can become stronger. Commitment to working it out - no matter the cost - is important; and takes considerable compromise, communication and changes from both partners to succeed. Another old saying is "nothing worth having comes easily". I hope this helps you and your partner. If you need a suggestion on some counsellors in the area, please let me know. I can give you a telephone number and a suggestion of a link to a website. All the best as you negotiate this time in your life.
Author SA2013 Posted July 29, 2016 Author Posted July 29, 2016 My girlfriend of two years. Fell in love with me pretty hard. I fell in love to, but I did have my doubts from the beginning. She was very eager to win me over. And she did, and I did some chasing. To which she ended up moving to the same state as me because we were doing long distance prior. I think she was sight seeing while living here. I am not sure she moved for me. She did not even tell me she was moving here. She just showed up on my door step and said that she moved 20 mins away because her mom suggested it. She thought why not? She always kept me at a distance and there would be waves of uncertainty. and she became very consumed in her work and beginning her new profession as hipster. It wasn't what it was cracked up to be, the charm and glamor of what she hoped to gain in graduate school. Her profession that she chose was harder than she thought. And we'll she still missed graduate school and college life. Which was a year ago. And she was seriously depressed. Being 9 years older than her I wasn't asking the same questions of what am I going to do with my life. She lived near me for a year, she never lived with me. Leaving her community in Sacramento was hard on her. I have many friends and communities I am involved in here. She always felt polite and yet held back from the people involved in my life. In the whole year there was only a few times she hung out with friends outside of me, on her spare time she would watch tv and be depressed. I knew not to give up my social life for a girl. So I have hung out with friends about 1-3 times a week, usually during times she wasn't available or I would invite her. I hung out with her about 2-3 times a week. She came to me a week ago saying she was leaving back to the state that she lived in during her college years because she misses her community. She felt the need to continue to remind me that I would be ok. That I would find love again. That I should not worry. That every thing will be ok. That she just knows I am great and that there is a girl out there for me. She reminded me. Honestly felt numb like whatever. Like we stopped having sex three months ago, we were not living together, or engaged. I have been grieving for a while so it was a relief. It really wasn't a big kids relationship. But I didn't tell her. I just don't want comminication with her. She said how we should be friends. There was a lighting up of her eyes that was pure excitement. FRIENDSHIP. I am sad because I love you she told me. Then she went on to remind me that I would find someone that was right for me. That she was not enough. I sought out my friends and even my therapist to process the dissolving of our relationship. I find myself busy, like I said the relationship was already feeling distamt because of how depressed she had been. Although I had been her only person she relied on to socialize with her and develop an attachment. I still juggled many friends. You don't give your friends up for a girl. I learned that with the last one. Anyways I haven't heard from her in a week. But she keeps sending her gay guy friends from other states to send messages to me to check in on me. Which is annoying. She knows I have friends here in my state. I was processing the relationship with friends in person. Like I have support. Really I am concerned about whether she is ok. I find it belittling that I wouldn't be ok. The feeling behind her and her gay guys from other states is that I am this poor old puppy dog that might go and kill himself. None of my friends see me this way, they see me as a warrior. Anyways I would like to not be friends and to move on. But the gay guys from out of state sending me messages feelings like her way of keeping communication. It's just weird. And sometimes at night alone with my dog in my studio I worry about her coming back and bagging for me. I don't know it's all rather odd sounding.
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