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Should I have apologized?


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Posted

I got a text from this girl saying that my nicknames have offended her and made her feel like an object. In hindsight, she is probably right. I replied with an apology saying I never intended to offend her and that I don't see her as an object. I said that I will stop using those names in the future.

 

I'm conflicted. My Dad never apologizes to my Mum and I've seen firsthand the emotional damage it has inflicted. I would never want my girlfriend to feel like that. On the other hand, I feel it is a sign of weakness to apologize. I don't want to be seen as a soft touch. My Dad tells me to never apologize to women as I'll be seen as weak. I stand up for myself when I need to, but only if I know I'm right.

 

The last thing I want is the friend zone, so I feel like apologizing was a mistake. I'm still kicking myself that I caved in against my better judgment.

 

 

What do you think? Should I have apologized?

  • Like 1
Posted
My Dad never apologizes to my Mum and I've seen firsthand the emotional damage it has inflicted.

 

My Dad tells me to never apologize to women as I'll be seen as weak.

Your dad sounds like a terrible source for relationship advice.

 

If you hadn't apologised you would probably be single by now.

  • Like 11
  • Author
Posted
Your dad sounds like a terrible source for relationship advice.

 

If you hadn't apologised you would probably be single by now.

 

So I won't be seen as weak?

  • Like 1
Posted

My boyfriend apologizes with no holding back and I have never ever viewed him a weak, on the contrary, it takes a strong and confident man to recognize his fault and to take responsibility.

 

A man that cannot or will not go through the process of apologizing is in my book a coward unable to take responsibility for his actions and words.

  • Like 8
Posted
So I won't be seen as weak?

 

 

Not if you're apologizing for something that merits an apology. I'm no fan of more than one apology for something this (relatively) minor; some guys get a little puppy-ish with the repeated apologies, I think because they're looking for reassurance which IS a little weak. Nor do you apologize when you've honestly done nothing wrong and are just trying to keep the peace (although I'm guilty of this).

 

 

But if you've messed up or reasonably caused offense, own it and move forward.

  • Like 3
Posted
So I won't be seen as weak?

How you will be seen depends very much upon the personality of the person doing the seeing.

 

Some people might see you as weak and some might see you as strong. I don't think apologising is weak, I think it shows responsibility. As long as it's a genuine apology, you learn from your mistake, and you're not only apologising to get out of trouble.

  • Like 1
Posted

You've seen how your mom has been emotionally injured by your father so why would you listen to his advice?

 

I don't think it's weak to give a sincere apology. I hate apologizing and I have to muster up my strength to do it but when I know I'm wrong or that I've hurt someone I apologize, even though it's hard to do. I think it's cowardly and weak to never take responsibility for a wrong doing.

  • Like 2
Posted

Apologizing is not weak. Its the right thing to do and that is how you make peace.

 

Your dad have issues )i think from his past-childhood) and try to teach you that, maybe not intentionally to learn you something bad.

 

If you see and feel in your heart that you need to apologize, you can apologize.

But you dont have to apologize for every single thing. Sometimes its also ok to acknowledge that you understand the other person point.

 

I dont know what nicknames you had, was it racist, or something clearly about lowering females....

Its ok that you apologized. But on the other hand she could have also choose to not pay attention to it.

  • Like 1
Posted

I dont know what nicknames you had, was it racist, or something clearly about lowering females....

 

 

OP, it may be relevant to know what these nicknames were and the kind of relationship you have with her. For instance, "babe" would be fine for a gf, but probably not for a co-worker.

  • Like 1
Posted

 

My Dad never apologizes to my Mum and I've seen firsthand the emotional damage it has inflicted.

 

I would never want my girlfriend to feel like that

 

I feel it is a sign of weakness to apologize.

I don't want to be seen as a soft touch.

 

My Dad tells me to never apologize to women as I'll be seen as weak.

 

Well you have two options then

 

1) you can follow in your dad's footsteps, and just as you say, put your gf through that emotional damage that you just said you never want her to feel like.

 

2) Apologies like a man cause that is where your dad is lacking as a man. It takes strength courage and integrity to apologize.

 

Just look at all the people who said something to you that you knew was wrong, and they knew it too, but they never apologized. Cause they wanted to control your emotion, control the situation, be big, etc etc. It never ends well. You know it cause remember how you feel about that person. They are a tool. They are arrogant and you probably back away from them the more they do it. Yeah, if you are right then you are right. If you are wrong, and you said you agree the comments you made to her were in the wrong... then apologize.

  • Like 1
Posted

Sorry to be blunt, but I think "Never apologise" is a ridiculous idea.

 

When properly due, an apology is a good and decent thing.

  • Like 2
Posted

As you know, because you see how abusive it is to your mother, your dad is a jerk. He is NOT someone to be taking advice on. Lord knows he's already messed you up enough by you having to watch his actions as your main role model over the years when your brain was forming around that. Bravo that you choose to see your mother's pain and empathize with it rather than be a macho jerk like your dad is who can never be wrong because he's too insecure to admit he's wrong. He IS weak and he is overcompensating by never admitting when he's wrong. A strong person can admit when they're wrong and can apologize.

 

Don't talk to your dad about it. Talk to your mom about it. And doing anything to hurt someone else isn't right.

  • Like 1
Posted

I think it takes great strength and courage to apologize... Not just to apologize, but to sincerely apologize.

 

And, I would say it doesn't really matter what you said or what you intended (and I don't believe you intended to be hurtful). What matters is that she finds it hurtful, and for that reason alone you should try to respect her wishes. And apology is a great way to start!

  • Like 2
Posted

Sorry but your dad is not a good example to follow...he has been emotionally abusing your mother. I wouldn't talk to any of them...her letting him get away with it, is not showing a good example either.

 

You apologize when an apology is due. It shows strength. It is weakness to not take accountability/responsibility for your actions. Your gf communicated to you, you listened, understood/acknowledged you hurt her feelings and you acted appropriately to resolve the issue, then apologized.....this is the healthy way to conduct yourself in a relationship.

  • Like 1
Posted

Maybe a good idea to read some books about apologizing.)christian books are very great to)

WHich will help you more in understanding what apologize is for and what difference it can make. :)

  • Like 1
Posted
I got a text from this girl saying that my nicknames have offended her and made her feel like an object. In hindsight, she is probably right. I replied with an apology saying I never intended to offend her and that I don't see her as an object. I said that I will stop using those names in the future.

 

I'm conflicted. My Dad never apologizes to my Mum and I've seen firsthand the emotional damage it has inflicted. I would never want my girlfriend to feel like that. On the other hand, I feel it is a sign of weakness to apologize. I don't want to be seen as a soft touch. My Dad tells me to never apologize to women as I'll be seen as weak. I stand up for myself when I need to, but only if I know I'm right.

 

The last thing I want is the friend zone, so I feel like apologizing was a mistake. I'm still kicking myself that I caved in against my better judgment.

 

 

What do you think? Should I have apologized?

 

I feel it is a sign of weakness to apologize. -- Wow!There is absolutely nothing weak or wrong about apologizing when you have done something to wrong another person or that hurts them!!!!!!! What is weak, is feeling as though you are above having to do that.

 

My Dad never apologizes to my Mum and I've seen firsthand the emotional damage it has inflicted.

 

You never have to apologize for standing your ground on an issue that may arise if you feel strongly about . . . but if you hurt someone, you owe them an apology if you care for them.

 

Your friend was insulted and let you know that it hurts her feelings. Someone who dismisses my feelings, is out the door in a heartbeat. Sometimes they are out the door even with an apology if I feel that they aren't sincere or don't understand how what they've done hurts me because it means they don't have empathy and are cold-hearted and uncaring narcissists.

  • Author
Posted

She texted me morning, so my goose can't be cooked. It seems the apology worked. Thank you all for helping me be true to myself and not someone I'm not. I'm just going to be myself and if she doesn't like me, then it obviously wasn't meant to be. I care deeply about this girl and I'm normally seen as a player. My priorities are changing.

Posted (edited)
I got a text from this girl saying that my nicknames have offended her and made her feel like an object. In hindsight, she is probably right. I replied with an apology saying I never intended to offend her and that I don't see her as an object. I said that I will stop using those names in the future.

 

I'm conflicted. My Dad never apologizes to my Mum and I've seen firsthand the emotional damage it has inflicted. I would never want my girlfriend to feel like that. On the other hand, I feel it is a sign of weakness to apologize. I don't want to be seen as a soft touch. My Dad tells me to never apologize to women as I'll be seen as weak. I stand up for myself when I need to, but only if I know I'm right.

 

The last thing I want is the friend zone, so I feel like apologizing was a mistake. I'm still kicking myself that I caved in against my better judgment.

 

 

What do you think? Should I have apologized?

 

I respect men who humble themselves and admit they were wrong...it actually shows strength of character...it isnt hard to dig your feet in and not admit you were wrong....who likes being wrong?

Its a vulnerable place to admit and apologize to someone.... takes strength at the very core of who you are......to admit you were wrong...your dad.....has a weakness...and its pride.....one of the biggest weaknesses around....

 

For a woman to take advantage of a guy and look down on him if he apologizes......is a serious flaw on her behalf.....most women would accept an apology with grace......and it has nothing to do with the friend zone.....if you were to apologize...it just means you have enough strength in you and less prideful thoughts that you would say sorry...its a good thing...not a bad thing......deb

Edited by todreaminblue
Posted
Not if you're apologizing for something that merits an apology. I'm no fan of more than one apology for something this (relatively) minor; some guys get a little puppy-ish with the repeated apologies, I think because they're looking for reassurance which IS a little weak. Nor do you apologize when you've honestly done nothing wrong and are just trying to keep the peace (although I'm guilty of this).

 

 

But if you've messed up or reasonably caused offense, own it and move forward.

 

This is a good answer!

 

OP, what names did you call her, out of interest?

Or are they not 'work safe' ?!

Posted

First of all, what names did you call her for nicknames that got her pissed?

 

Second thing is this. If you wrong somebody, then saying I'm sorry is not unmanly. It's called having manners ans showing someone that you care about their feelings. To be told that it's a sign of weakness is flat out wrong.

 

If someone did you wrong and they refused to say sorry, bet the house that you wouldn't want them in your life.

Posted

OP. I truly hope your father didn't rub off on you much. Terrible advice given to you.

 

You apologize when you hurt others with crap that was meant to simply hurt, ridicule, demean, dehumanize... your inability to apologize or unwillingness is not a sign of strength, rather, a socio-path...who doesn't know what strength is really about.

 

Anyway. If you keep on with this line of thinking, you will not have a lasting relationship of ANY kind. Good luck.

Posted
She texted me morning, so my goose can't be cooked. It seems the apology worked. Thank you all for helping me be true to myself and not someone I'm not. I'm just going to be myself and if she doesn't like me, then it obviously wasn't meant to be. I care deeply about this girl and I'm normally seen as a player. My priorities are changing.

 

I think the apology was in order and you are the bigger man for doing it. Respecting a woman is not weak; only a strong guy understands that. Would you want a partner that you saw as being less than you in some way? No, you want the best, so respect is essential.

 

Only thing I would say (as I have had the same issue with men) is that some do apologise over the pet names and then go and do the same thing again. If you do this, she's unlikely to want to bother. Pet names can be a sign that a guy is not seeing you as an individual but more than anything it just comes across as disrespectful when he hardly knows you yet. If someone I loved and was attached to called me 'babe', I might see it as something special for me, but coming from a relative stranger it just sounds like he is being over-familiar before we are at that stage.

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