My struggle with loving a woman, sexual identity and purpose

[Scrab22]

Hello,

 

Please excuse this messy thread. It's hard for me to express my issue in an organized manner.

 

If you're wondering, when I say true love, I don't mean ideal love. I mean love, where the pace is thorough, being emotionally open towards each other while knowing we can always love each other (love each other as much as possible because there are always things to hate about each other), no games, no objective demands (such as X degree, X friends, X knowledge, etc), just two people, man and woman, connecting as positively and greatly as possible. No breaking up without talking about it before with the other side, no intuitive negative assumptions (these are always driven by fear). We must both be strong to take on whatever comes in the relationship.

It has been a childhood dream to be with a woman (girl at childhood times). I've had attractions towards women, yet some sort of natural fear and with time other fears based on things I've heard and experience about relationships.

I don't know how to explain this the best way.

Anyway, my problem with women has always been fear.

Elementary school has given me bad experience about how a woman is. Although I had a close girl friend, I once offered her to be boyfriend and girlfriend, she accepted it and after 2 weeks refused the idea because she didn't want others to think badly of her (I was a "nerd" in my grade).

It didn't stop me from finding love with a woman.

 

There are more details to this, and many more details to other relationships I had with women, but I won't go into it for now because it's allot.

Overall, all relationships I've had with women were difficult in a way, though I never let it stop me from fulfilling a relationship with one.

 

The more rejections and breakups I've experienced, the more painful the thought of being with a woman. Some of my close friends have discouraged me, lowered my self-esteem and confidence with women when I told them about my experiences. They always mocked me, talked about things I've done wrong (don't do this and that because she may think this and that). One of the even hinted that I am not meant to be with women (he also said that about himself). I got away from them because of that (and other reasons), and hopefully for good. They never cared that they hurt me, they mostly laid the blame on me for being sensitive.

It saddens me that when I offer a woman to meet up, she either says ok and doesn't respond to messages, doesn't respond after the offer or doesn't even respond to initiative messages I write to her on Facebook. It seems some women I've known are not even interested in talking to me at all.

 

Story: Recently, I saw someone from my grade at a bus. I talked to her, chatted about various subjects. It felt very pleasant. When she got off, I called her and told her I'm looking to reunite with some people from school and was wondering if she'd like to meet up. I was a little stuck when I asked her, because it's very unusual for me to approach a woman with no dating intention. She said sure, without hesitation, and to contact her on facebook.

I contacted her a day after since I had to check my plans for the weekend, and she hasn't responded ever since, and I think she saw my message.

 

I'm having some struggles with sexual orientation. I want to believe it's because I greatly lack women relationships, of any kind.

I desire a relationship with a woman so much, that when I'm having a nice conversation with one, I can see this as a dating opportunity. I'm not interested in playing games and putting the masks. I want the truth.

I've also been sexually attracted to women, but I mostly suppressed that drive because I mainly love women for their emotional nature. That's also a struggle I've been having. I also really hate some other natures (gossiping, not telling why one suddenly breaks up, hiding thoughts and feelings which are needed to be talked about...).

Another reason for not listening to feelings of attraction well is because I think about women so much that I think many aspects of her and questioning if marriage is possible. I know it sounds crazy, but it's true..

I have a hard wire for marriage inside, and it has been keeping me from going with the flow of attraction.

 

I have also discovered that I am capable of loving everyone. It has been suppressed by some family members. For instance, when I was young (about 10-13) I really loved interacting with younger family relatives, even babies. My big brother told me not to do it because it's not right. With time I got away from loving children because of that, and other reasons such as departing from family members because of some problematic relationships between home and the others.

I am easily capable of a loving relationship with men (whatever it may be, I don't intend a romantic one), and again come hidden feelings, which my close friends have been developing with times, which lead to a sudden shift from close friendship to a conflicting relationship. Hiding emotions, mocking me with time, all because of their own weaknesses. Yet I feel I've been damaged, still, I intend on recovering and strengthening myself away from emotional disclosure.

My mom has always told me I can be a great father because of my sensitive and thoughtful personality. I love nurture and bonding, but have also learned the reality of growing a child.

I'm in no hurry for such option though. Right now what matters to me is what will be between me and a woman. That is what matters to me most right now.

There is another fascinating thing about the love of a man and a woman. It's that extraordinary feeling that despite being different beings (man, woman), the fact that it is possible to create a strong bond of peace and love, even after moments of conflict. It's like a mermaid and a man, an alien and a man/woman, a god and a woman... The thoughts and imaginations I've had about this concept is one of my great motivators for a relationship with a woman. I know it sounds really far away from sexuality, which is odd by itself. I'm sure it is the result of my bad experiences with women.

 

It has always been hard, but I am and really want to still be determined.

I know people say relationships shouldn't be a goal and should be something that just happens. No problem with that, but I'm having a problem with people who think it shouldn't be a target, especially when my life experience comes into play.

 

 

 

I hope you can help me, and I mostly hope there is still hope.

 

Thank you for reading

[Redhead14]

Hello,

 

Please excuse this messy thread. It's hard for me to express my issue in an organized manner.

 

If you're wondering, when I say true love, I don't mean ideal love. I mean love, where the pace is thorough, being emotionally open towards each other while knowing we can always love each other (love each other as much as possible because there are always things to hate about each other), no games, no objective demands (such as X degree, X friends, X knowledge, etc), just two people, man and woman, connecting as positively and greatly as possible. No breaking up without talking about it before with the other side, no intuitive negative assumptions (these are always driven by fear). We must both be strong to take on whatever comes in the relationship.

It has been a childhood dream to be with a woman (girl at childhood times). I've had attractions towards women, yet some sort of natural fear and with time other fears based on things I've heard and experience about relationships.

I don't know how to explain this the best way.

Anyway, my problem with women has always been fear.

Elementary school has given me bad experience about how a woman is. Although I had a close girl friend, I once offered her to be boyfriend and girlfriend, she accepted it and after 2 weeks refused the idea because she didn't want others to think badly of her (I was a "nerd" in my grade).

It didn't stop me from finding love with a woman.

 

There are more details to this, and many more details to other relationships I had with women, but I won't go into it for now because it's allot.

Overall, all relationships I've had with women were difficult in a way, though I never let it stop me from fulfilling a relationship with one.

 

The more rejections and breakups I've experienced, the more painful the thought of being with a woman. Some of my close friends have discouraged me, lowered my self-esteem and confidence with women when I told them about my experiences. They always mocked me, talked about things I've done wrong (don't do this and that because she may think this and that). One of the even hinted that I am not meant to be with women (he also said that about himself). I got away from them because of that (and other reasons), and hopefully for good. They never cared that they hurt me, they mostly laid the blame on me for being sensitive.

It saddens me that when I offer a woman to meet up, she either says ok and doesn't respond to messages, doesn't respond after the offer or doesn't even respond to initiative messages I write to her on Facebook. It seems some women I've known are not even interested in talking to me at all.

 

Story: Recently, I saw someone from my grade at a bus. I talked to her, chatted about various subjects. It felt very pleasant. When she got off, I called her and told her I'm looking to reunite with some people from school and was wondering if she'd like to meet up. I was a little stuck when I asked her, because it's very unusual for me to approach a woman with no dating intention. She said sure, without hesitation, and to contact her on facebook.

I contacted her a day after since I had to check my plans for the weekend, and she hasn't responded ever since, and I think she saw my message.

 

I'm having some struggles with sexual orientation. I want to believe it's because I greatly lack women relationships, of any kind.

I desire a relationship with a woman so much, that when I'm having a nice conversation with one, I can see this as a dating opportunity. I'm not interested in playing games and putting the masks. I want the truth.

I've also been sexually attracted to women, but I mostly suppressed that drive because I mainly love women for their emotional nature. That's also a struggle I've been having. I also really hate some other natures (gossiping, not telling why one suddenly breaks up, hiding thoughts and feelings which are needed to be talked about...).

Another reason for not listening to feelings of attraction well is because I think about women so much that I think many aspects of her and questioning if marriage is possible. I know it sounds crazy, but it's true..

I have a hard wire for marriage inside, and it has been keeping me from going with the flow of attraction.

 

I have also discovered that I am capable of loving everyone. It has been suppressed by some family members. For instance, when I was young (about 10-13) I really loved interacting with younger family relatives, even babies. My big brother told me not to do it because it's not right. With time I got away from loving children because of that, and other reasons such as departing from family members because of some problematic relationships between home and the others.

I am easily capable of a loving relationship with men (whatever it may be, I don't intend a romantic one), and again come hidden feelings, which my close friends have been developing with times, which lead to a sudden shift from close friendship to a conflicting relationship. Hiding emotions, mocking me with time, all because of their own weaknesses. Yet I feel I've been damaged, still, I intend on recovering and strengthening myself away from emotional disclosure.

My mom has always told me I can be a great father because of my sensitive and thoughtful personality. I love nurture and bonding, but have also learned the reality of growing a child.

I'm in no hurry for such option though. Right now what matters to me is what will be between me and a woman. That is what matters to me most right now.

There is another fascinating thing about the love of a man and a woman. It's that extraordinary feeling that despite being different beings (man, woman), the fact that it is possible to create a strong bond of peace and love, even after moments of conflict. It's like a mermaid and a man, an alien and a man/woman, a god and a woman... The thoughts and imaginations I've had about this concept is one of my great motivators for a relationship with a woman. I know it sounds really far away from sexuality, which is odd by itself. I'm sure it is the result of my bad experiences with women.

 

It has always been hard, but I am and really want to still be determined.

I know people say relationships shouldn't be a goal and should be something that just happens. No problem with that, but I'm having a problem with people who think it shouldn't be a target, especially when my life experience comes into play.

 

 

 

I hope you can help me, and I mostly hope there is still hope.

 

Thank you for reading

 

My friend you are rowing a boat that many, many people are rowing out there in the dating world. I blame it on society and attitudes toward dating. The dating pool is contaminated by people who simply don't know what they want or what to look for in a dating scenario if they want a relationship. It's also contaminated by people who have been hurt in previous relationships and simply have not processed it all sufficiently enough to let go of the past and be brave going into the future.

 

I know people say relationships shouldn't be a goal and should be something that just happens. -- Well, a relationship shouldn't be a main focus or goal, however, you do have to know whether or not you want one and then date with that goal in mind and be able to manage emotions and expectations going into new dating scenarios in order to be able to observe and maintain objectivity while evaluating potential partners. Be cognizant of what your needs and wants are and observe whether the person is/has the ability to meet them. If you are doing that for yourself, you are minimizing the potential for being hurt and able to move on with minimal "damage" so to speak if things don't work out.

 

Dating is a process, not an event. And, there will certainly be way more people who aren't right for you than people who are. It's just a fact that needs to be accepted. Until you do find the right one, you should be more focused on having a fulfilling life as a single, independent man in your own right and not dwelling on whether or not you have an SO or not. If you find someone you'd like to date, great, but be patient, observant, have your needs and wants clear in your head and see how it goes each time, one date at a time. And, dates lots of people, take a chance with each one, just manage your emotions and expectations and enjoy them and take something positive away from each experience, learn from those experiences.

 

Anyway, my problem with women has always been fear. -- There is a quote I like -- "Fear does not control me, I face it so as to control it".

[preraph]

There is no hurry about figuring out your sexual orientation. If anxiety and fear are ruling your social life, then maybe you need some help with it. If you are still in school (not college but younger), this is the time of life most of us feel insecure and are finding our way with the opposite or same sex.

 

Unless you feel anxiety is ruling your life in general, then you just need to stop overthinking everything and trying to figure out your own end game and just do what feels right for you. If dating women doesn't feel right, don't do it unless one comes along that is the exception. Yes, do stay active and don't just stay totally in your comfort zone all the time, but realize most people don't really get super comfortable with themselves or have their sexual stuff figured out until sometime in their 20s. Hormones at a younger age can create all kinds of doubts and urges that will get more directional later when they're not fluctuating as much.

 

Please stop stressing about it. Do what feels good to you, period. Good luck.

[tndawg]

There is never an easy way to deal with relationships. Have you ever been to a good counselor to talk through these issues? Do you think that would help?

[Gloria25]

I don't think switching sexual orientation and/or being open to dating "anyone" - regardless of gender is going to solve dating woes.

 

I listen to Dr. Laura on the regular...both female/female and male/male peeps in relationships call about the same issues male/females have.