Am I being selfish?

[Mysteryman9110]

Hello everyone. I would like some input. I'm a 31 year old guy living in Asia and my gf is 26. She is a sweet girl, but she is very traditional and still lives with her family. The problem is that she lives about 1 1/2 hours by subway away from me and does not live alone. We can only see each other one time a week. The distance isn't really the problem, it's the fact that she doesn't have her own place. We usually alternate, sometimes I go to her area and sometimes she comes to mine.

 

The issue is that when i travel to see her I usually have to buy a hotel room if we want to be intimate with each other. I feel like because I have my own place that we should hang out near my place more. I usually pay for the room and sometimes its 70 or 80 bucks a pop. If I don't do this then it could be a few weeks before we have the time to be physical again. I feel like I am spending a lot of money every month when I don't really have to.

 

I would be cool with this, but this is just the beginning. My gf still wants to go to dinner, movies, coffee shops and other things that cost money. I am willing to sacrifice some things to make this work, but I feel like she is not willing to stop spending in other areas in order to compensate for the extra expenses. Am I being selfish in expecting her to come to my area for our alone time or should I just bite the bullet? I feel like the physical intimacy is something we BOTH need to make sure is taken care of, but it seems like she doesn't really care enough to make the same sacrifices that I am to make this work.

 

Thoughts?

[SevenCity]

You are not being selfish at all. I'm not sure how "traditional Chinese culture" fits into her behavior, but for me a girl has to meet me half way.

 

Any girlfriend worth girl I've ever been with was always willing to open up her wallet and take on some of the financial responsibilities. I understand that she would like for her to come to you, but after a while she should crave intimacy enough were she is willing to book a hotel room on her dime.

 

I'm not ready to say she's a gold digger, but she sure sounds selfish.

[l8estnews]

I am a 26 yr old who also lives in Asia, and my advise is for you to talk about this. She's 26, and even if you are the guy and the older one, it doesn't mean that the whole cost of dating will be on you!

 

I dunno, but this relationship is a two-way thing and dating must be an effort of two people, not just on the guy side.

[Scrab22]

You can go to your place more often, and use her home as a place for a less physically intimate place and a more emotionally intimate place.

[Mysteryman9110]

Well, she did tell me today that she would split the cost of the hotel with me. But then she wants to do other things too, such as movies, dinner etc. I told her to take care of the food and movie. She is definitely not a gold digger and I think I painted her in a bad light. She is a good girl, but she always wants to do stuff that is completely unneeded.

 

I'm perfectly happy staying home, cooking for us and putting on a movie and taking it easy. If I go to where she is and I book the hotel even if I only pay half she will want to go do 4 or 5 other things as well. Last week she came to my apartment and I bought dinner for her and cooked. When i picked her up she said ' Oh you just only want to go to your place " I don't only want sexual things, I just want to be alone with her and chill out some weekends. It feels like she needs a lot of external entertainment and I'm perfectly happy just being with her and relaxing at my place. Even after I cooked her dinner she said " Do you only want to just stay here all day " . I have a hard time understanding her need for constant outside stimulation when we are together.

[Mysteryman9110]

You can go to your place more often, and use her home as a place for a less physically intimate place and a more emotionally intimate place.

 

No go. She lives with her family. I don't want her 90 year old grandma eye balling me while I am sitting there talking with her grand daughter.

[SevenCity]

Well, she did tell me today that she would split the cost of the hotel with me. But then she wants to do other things too, such as movies, dinner etc. I told her to take care of the food and movie. She is definitely not a gold digger and I think I painted her in a bad light. She is a good girl, but she always wants to do stuff that is completely unneeded.

 

I'm perfectly happy staying home, cooking for us and putting on a movie and taking it easy. If I go to where she is and I book the hotel even if I only pay half she will want to go do 4 or 5 other things as well. Last week she came to my apartment and I bought dinner for her and cooked. When i picked her up she said ' Oh you just only want to go to your place " I don't only want sexual things, I just want to be alone with her and chill out some weekends. It feels like she needs a lot of external entertainment and I'm perfectly happy just being with her and relaxing at my place. Even after I cooked her dinner she said " Do you only want to just stay here all day " . I have a hard time understanding her need for constant outside stimulation when we are together.

 

That is a bigger problem. I'm a home body myself and would much prefer to stay home than go out. She sounds like the opposite.

 

26 is young and she probably wants to go out and experience the world. As you are older, and sound like a home body, you would rather not.

 

Additionally, the financial impact of going out is real. If you spend $75 every time you go out then that's $300 a month that could be put toward things like savings. Often women have no idea the value of money because everything is paid for by someone else (especially her since she lives at home and does not appear to have any financial obligations).

 

I don't think her desire to go out will change in the short term. As much as you get annoyed going out, she probably feels the same way as when you stay in.

[preraph]

Tell her straight up, I'm going broke paying for hotels and it's got to stop. You need to come to my town at least half the time.

[tndawg]

What do you really want in this relationship? Is it something yo are looking at for long term? Cultural differences can be an issue in the best of situations. You may call me "old fashioned" but I believe the physical part of the relationship should be part of the committed long term relationship (marriage). Is that what you see in this relationship?

[Springsummer]

What do you mean by 'traditional'? - I assume premarital sex isn't one of the traditions?

[basil67]

The stuff she wants to do is not "unnecessary". Well, it may be to you - but for many of us, going out and doing stuff is part of what makes life interesting. It's also known as Dating.

 

Even married couples who've got caught up in a rut are advised to make a Date Night once a week and do something nice together.

 

If what she wants to do costs money, then it's perfectly reasonable for the two of you to split the bill (same goes for the motel room). But also consider things which aren't expensive. Walking through interesting part of the city. Picnics. Rivers/oceans etc. Galleries and museums

 

Don't fall into the rut that my ex-h did. Among some of our issues was the fact that he only ever wanted to stay home. In the end, I couldn't deal. Can't tell you how great it was to find a new guy who was happy to go out for lunch. Or a picnic. Or beach.

 

As the two of you are quite different, there MUST be compromise. She can learn to appreciate staying in and you can learn to appreciate going out and doing fun/interesting stuff.

 

Well, she did tell me today that she would split the cost of the hotel with me. But then she wants to do other things too, such as movies, dinner etc. I told her to take care of the food and movie. She is definitely not a gold digger and I think I painted her in a bad light. She is a good girl, but she always wants to do stuff that is completely unneeded.

 

I'm perfectly happy staying home, cooking for us and putting on a movie and taking it easy. If I go to where she is and I book the hotel even if I only pay half she will want to go do 4 or 5 other things as well. Last week she came to my apartment and I bought dinner for her and cooked. When i picked her up she said ' Oh you just only want to go to your place " I don't only want sexual things, I just want to be alone with her and chill out some weekends. It feels like she needs a lot of external entertainment and I'm perfectly happy just being with her and relaxing at my place. Even after I cooked her dinner she said " Do you only want to just stay here all day " . I have a hard time understanding her need for constant outside stimulation when we are together.

[Mysteryman9110]

Just because I don't want to go out every weekend or I don't feel the need for constant entertainment doesn't mean I don't appreciate going out. Our first date we went to Disney World ( Well.. The asian version ) . We have also had dinner on the river, went walking around different parts of this city, went shopping for her dads birthday, went on two different picnics ( one on river and one near a lake ) went to a pet cafe, bike riding.. Should I go on? This is in the span of 3 months and she has came to my apartment a grand total of 2 times.

 

I enjoy going out, but I feel like she needs to chill out a bit and just enjoy just me and her more. I should be enough for her. I am thinking of settling down some time and getting married and I don't want to be with someone who cannot sit alone in a room with me for a few hours on a weekend without feeling the need to go do something else all the time.

 

For her there is little downside to going out because I pay for so many things . I also crave sex more than once a week, but I settle for that because its all we can see each other. Even when I compromise and settle for once a week she still tries to put going to the movies and other random things ahead of our alone time. It isn't just about sex ( although it is a bit part! ) I am a man and I need that physical side of the relationship to be strong. I don't like to be treated like I'm her source of entertainment. I feel like we should make fun together by being together, and not by having to go places in order to enjoy each others company.

[preraph]

I get it. There are people who can never be happy just relaxing. When you think about it, almost anyone can get along with anyone as long as they are both out doing fun things. But would they be good company just to sit around with? If not, it's not a long-term match.

[Mysteryman9110]

I get it. There are people who can never be happy just relaxing. When you think about it, almost anyone can get along with anyone as long as they are both out doing fun things. But would they be good company just to sit around with? If not, it's not a long-term match.

 

Exactly! I feel like some people's idea of what a romantic relationship is seems to be more of an activity partner. No offense to any women here, but if I wanted to go do something fun and needed some company I would probably just invite one of my male friends. I feel like when you do other things on a date, while those things can be fun, you are really not getting closer with that person except on the most superficial level. Sure, you will have memories, but how well can you really get to know someone while watching a movie in a theater for example?

 

My life is already fun, I don't need a woman to do activities with. I want someone that will be there with me in bad times and NOT someone who cannot even handle spending time with me without other types of stimulation. I feel like people and relationships grow in tough times. Tough times make for interesting people. I want a woman that will be with me through some actual tough times, and I would rather not be with a woman who thinks that a couple quiet evenings at home is too much for her. People have such attention spans nowadays that it feels harder and harder to connect with most people.

[SevenCity]

Exactly! I feel like some people's idea of what a romantic relationship is seems to be more of an activity partner. No offense to any women here, but if I wanted to go do something fun and needed some company I would probably just invite one of my male friends. I feel like when you do other things on a date, while those things can be fun, you are really not getting closer with that person except on the most superficial level. Sure, you will have memories, but how well can you really get to know someone while watching a movie in a theater for example?

 

My life is already fun, I don't need a woman to do activities with. I want someone that will be there with me in bad times and NOT someone who cannot even handle spending time with me without other types of stimulation. I feel like people and relationships grow in tough times. Tough times make for interesting people. I want a woman that will be with me through some actual tough times, and I would rather not be with a woman who thinks that a couple quiet evenings at home is too much for her. People have such attention spans nowadays that it feels harder and harder to connect with most people.

 

This seems to me like an epiphany or "Ah ha" moment. Are you sure want to continue with this one?

 

Your observations are right on the money and completely valid. It's hard not hearing her side, but you seem vastly more mature and vested in having a serious relationship.

 

One time with my ex we were getting ready to go to her house in another state. She stood up and collapsed on the floor. I called 911 and raced her to the hospital and stood by her the entire time she was there, back again the next day, and nursed her back to health for a week. Of all the good times and fun we had, I look at that one as one of the defining moments of our relationship.

 

It's easy to be with someone when times are good. It's when times are bad that define a person and your relationship. Is this the type of girl who will stick by you when times are bad?

[NTV]

Are you her boyfriend or her wallet?

[preraph]

Exactly! I feel like some people's idea of what a romantic relationship is seems to be more of an activity partner. No offense to any women here, but if I wanted to go do something fun and needed some company I would probably just invite one of my male friends. I feel like when you do other things on a date, while those things can be fun, you are really not getting closer with that person except on the most superficial level. Sure, you will have memories, but how well can you really get to know someone while watching a movie in a theater for example?

 

My life is already fun, I don't need a woman to do activities with. I want someone that will be there with me in bad times and NOT someone who cannot even handle spending time with me without other types of stimulation. I feel like people and relationships grow in tough times. Tough times make for interesting people. I want a woman that will be with me through some actual tough times, and I would rather not be with a woman who thinks that a couple quiet evenings at home is too much for her. People have such attention spans nowadays that it feels harder and harder to connect with most people.

 

I'm female and used to have a female roommate friend like that. She couldn't sit still. I dealt with it by never going in the same car with her anywhere because we'd never get home. I find it exhausting. Decades later after she had her son, I took them to the lake and it was just a day trip, so we needed to get there and back. But she can never just go do one thing. She has to keep stopping and getting distracted and wanting to change course. I had to finally set my foot down because she kept wanting to stop at just stupid places repeatedly all along the way. I finally asked her if she wanted to spend the day at multiple Braum's Ice Cream shops or if she wanted to get on the water. She's like a fly, just keeps flitting around. The guy she married wasn't like her. He held the fort down and I guess didn't worry about what she was doing gone all the time. But it takes a real secure person to be with someone like that -- and also she ran them both into the ground financially, of course, constantly spending.

[Mysteryman9110]

This seems to me like an epiphany or "Ah ha" moment. Are you sure want to continue with this one?

 

Your observations are right on the money and completely valid. It's hard not hearing her side, but you seem vastly more mature and vested in having a serious relationship.

 

One time with my ex we were getting ready to go to her house in another state. She stood up and collapsed on the floor. I called 911 and raced her to the hospital and stood by her the entire time she was there, back again the next day, and nursed her back to health for a week. Of all the good times and fun we had, I look at that one as one of the defining moments of our relationship.

 

It's easy to be with someone when times are good. It's when times are bad that define a person and your relationship. Is this the type of girl who will stick by you when times are bad?

 

I definitely see things the same way as you. And the truth is that I don't know if she will be with me when times are bad. I have only known her for 3 months, so we are still getting to know each other. For me personally, relationships are about compromise. There are certain things that are deal breakers, but I think that a lot of things can be worked out. Nobody in this world is perfect and I accept that there will be faults with all people. Her faults are something I can live with. She is a really great girl in many other areas. I also have to accept some of the blame. In the beginning I took my gf to amusement park, nice restaurant, and stayed at some nice hotels. I got her to accept a level of comfort in the beginning to show her a good time, but now I need to reign in some of the spending.

 

I misspoke when I made the thread. My gf is 24, and I am 31. To be honest when I was 24 I was a freaking moron. I ran up a lot of student loan debt at that age, which is the whole reason why I need to watch my spending nowadays. So it's hard for me to be too hard on her because I think that age and maturity will help her to be more grounded in the real world... I hope.

[Bialy]

This person you're dating has an odd concept when it comes to dating and getting to know someone in a relationship.

 

For me, I totally agree with you. The point of being in a relationship is to enjoy emotional and physical intimacy and closeness with someone --- you don't need to be entertained every single time for that.

 

Something as simple as a walk in the city, dinner at home, a movie, and the rest of the evening relaxed together is NOT unreasonable. It's very sweet and more of a bonding moment.

[Bialy]

It sounds like the bar was set high and she feels this is perfectly normal.

 

It's not. Constant spending on entertainment isn't normal. Sure, every once and a while as a treat. But it's just not sustainable. Does she love spending time with you without draining your wallet --- that's the question.

 

Another thing - YOU'RE the one living solo - SHE should be visiting you 80% of the time. That's only fair. It's insane that you have to book a hotel in her area when you have a place of your own.

Edited July 31, 2016 by Bialy

[elaine567]

My gf is 24, and I am 31.

 

It may only be 7 years but you appear to be world's apart.

You want to spend time being cosy at home and having sex and she wants to be out on the town seeing life and having fun.

You are looking for a wife and she is looking for a guy who will show her a good time and date her.

 

She wants a partner to "do" things with, you want her to be your stay at home partner, whilst you actually "do" things with your buddies.

That isn't really going to work well long term.

[SevenCity]

I definitely see things the same way as you. And the truth is that I don't know if she will be with me when times are bad. I have only known her for 3 months, so we are still getting to know each other. For me personally, relationships are about compromise. There are certain things that are deal breakers, but I think that a lot of things can be worked out. Nobody in this world is perfect and I accept that there will be faults with all people. Her faults are something I can live with. She is a really great girl in many other areas. I also have to accept some of the blame. In the beginning I took my gf to amusement park, nice restaurant, and stayed at some nice hotels. I got her to accept a level of comfort in the beginning to show her a good time, but now I need to reign in some of the spending.

 

I misspoke when I made the thread. My gf is 24, and I am 31. To be honest when I was 24 I was a freaking moron. I ran up a lot of student loan debt at that age, which is the whole reason why I need to watch my spending nowadays. So it's hard for me to be too hard on her because I think that age and maturity will help her to be more grounded in the real world... I hope.

 

It may not be normal for everyone, but all my RLs started like that. In the "courting" phase I take them out a lot more to have fun and show I'm a fun guy. However, I don't have the money to continue it forever. Nor to I want someone who needs that either.

 

I have a mortgage and expenses to worry about and especially my retirement. I won't meet those goals of I'm spending a car payment per month in entertainment.

 

I could do better by doing that stuff once and a while, but not all the time.

 

At her age I wasn't thinking about long term goals either.

[Mysteryman9110]

We have been texting.She said that we should cut down on the sexy time so that I can save money on the hotel costs. I finally cracked and told her if she is that worried she should come see me in my city. She said that the traveling makes her tired. She definitely has to travel pretty far to see me, but its not really my fault that she doesn't own her own place. I don't like how her solution is to just cut down our sex life from once a week to once every two weeks.

 

It's frustrating because when we go out to eat she doesn't worry about the money. Just yesterday I spent 30 dollars for her to eat. ( I wasn't hungry ) . I feel like she is treating our sex life as something that isn't necessary, but going out to these random picnics is more of a priority to her.

[Els]

From my perspective as a woman who lived in Asia up til my early-mid 20s, I'll comment on the two issues that I think you have with the current situation:

 

1) You're worried there might be a basic incompatibility in the future, where she wants to go out ALL the time. I think it might be a bit much to extrapolate that from your current situation, where you are only meeting each other once a week or so. It's not unreasonable for her to want to go out every visit in that case, as one outside-the-house date a week is really on the low side for a young couple with no kids IMO. Just to be clear, after you go out to movies/dinner/etc, you DO go back to your place or the hotel room, and spend the evening together there, right? She is not against that?

 

2) Money concerns. Very valid especially given the hotel room cost. However, you've said she has agreed to split the costs for the room? In that case I think there is no reason why the two of you shouldn't still take turns to see each other as long as the cost of your accommodation is split.

 

My response probably differs from that of most other posters here, but I am responding based on the cultural context (that we share). As 'unfair' as it may seem, dating expectations for men in Asia are somewhat higher than in the West, especially if you are significantly older than her (as you are). It's generally 'expected' for men to pay for most dates, and generally also 'expected' for him to travel to her. In this case, where you are splitting the traveling and hotel costs, I think you probably are already doing 'less' than the average Asian man (not bashing you for this, it's entirely your prerogative and choice, just stating facts).

 

No easy answers here. If you want to buck tradition and ask her to split the costs of dates as well, that is totally fine, but you may find your dating pool in Asia rather reduced if you do. If you really want to do that, dating a woman your age or slightly older might be your best bet.

[Bialy]

If the sex is infrequent (and her solution is less sex), the distance is complicating things, and you feel like an ATM --- what keeps you in this?

 

Will you be moving closer to her eventually or will she be moving to your area?