Past bf/gfs/SOs

[bachdude]

Way too much --- im honestly not even interested --- and if she starts babbling about one of her ex's i usually change the subject as quick as possible

 

I'm with you on this. I've had some of these conversions turn into inquisitions too. Just question after question. Gads!!

[Els]

There's a pretty wide middle ground between 'constantly talking about exes in too much detail' and 'NEVER talking about past relationships ever'. I don't think I could be with a person who was on either end of the spectrum. The former for obvious reasons, and the latter because I think that in LTRs it just naturally comes up sometimes. If you're so very guarded that you could never utter a word about an ex (like, even information about whether you've had a LTR before, and if so how long, or such), I personally don't feel it bodes well for an intimate and trusting relationship.

[Timshel]

**pffft**

 

Well, my period is coming so maybe I need to hide in my little box till the storm blows over.

 

I was driving today and I was just angry. It's like I'm on fire.

 

So, lemme chill out before I breathe fire on him over nothing.

 

 

Nothing better than a straight shooter.

If this guy doesn't think your tops, he's an idiot.

[salparadise]

I find hte way a person speaks about their past relationships to be an interesting insight into the way they've handled processed loss and relationships gone wrong.

 

If someone can't talk about an ex without bitterness, that's a red flag in my book.

 

A person's past is part of them. One of the most troubling aspects of dating for me is the way people like to "edit" their history, to pretend this person, who they shared a bed with, no longer exists and no longer matters.

 

True. Everyone creates a narrative that works for them. People have a need to reinforce an acceptable concept of self, so the narrative they create tells you a lot more about how they need to see it, how they choose to reconcile incongruities, etc., than anything truly objective. But it does provide a lot of insight, so I'm always game to hear the story... and to notice how their emotions are affected by the telling of it. If it raises their blood pressure... tread carefully.

[ASG]

 

Yes, some people are friendly with an ex's friends/family....but for me that's like you see them walking down the street, you exchange polite "Hellos"...not calling, texting, emailing them on the regular.

 

 

That's different for everyone though.

 

My mom and dad keep in semi regular contact with my brother's ex, who is now married to someone else. I also still remain friends with her and see her on occasion (though not very often, cause I live away). They exchange xmas presents! There is nothing wrong with it. Even though my brother is adamant he doesn't want to be her friend (she left, he wanted he back, she wanted to be friends, he didn't), our only rule is that we never talk about my brother with her. And it works.

 

My ex's ex was also in regular contact with his family. It never bothered me. He wasn't hung up on her or anything. There was just a relationship there that they didn't want to lose.

 

 

 

And isn't this guy a FWB? Should you be this invested in someone who you're not committed to?

[Gloria25]

Nothing better than a straight shooter.

If this guy doesn't think your tops, he's an idiot.

 

I wouldn't call him an "idiot", but "immature". He's too young to want and/or recognize a good woman. Well, I thought he did like me a bit...but I was wrong.

 

I don't know. We had it out today and it's over. He blamed me for trying to "force" him to move in with me and called me crazy and all that.

 

I just think he wanted out and is doing the typical avoidance...and when confronted, put it on the other person. I also think that he's seeing other people cuz how can you say you "need" me and that time will come where we can spend more time together, and now that you're free from studying you're not even trying to see me for 10 minutes. He claims a "guy" friend is coming into town to "surprise" him and he's been busy prepping for the visit, but really? I wanted to celebrate him doing his exam with dinner, coffee, just chillin'; and, no, he doesn't have to report to me. But, we've met to do quickies. So, if you're not even wanting to see me for a quickie, I can't help to wonder if you're pulling back cuz of something? But no, he put the blame on me for being upset that he seems to be pulling back.

 

See, I should have followed my instinct when I met him months ago. I put off dating him cuz of the age difference, him being busy with school. I knew him being busy with school wouldn't leave him with much time for someone. And yes, I read online stories of people dating/married to who studied what he's studying and the strain it puts on relationships.

 

But I felt I was patient and flexible with him, but, because of his lack of maturity - he's not ready to appreciate a woman. He's still in "bro's before H's" mode in his life and he's commented about how he gets "frivolous" with his time - even to people he cares for; and, how "Latina fury" was unleashed on him in the past. So, I'm not gonna take it personal. I think he's not in a place in his life where he can appreciate a woman.

 

It still kinda stings, cuz I don't know, I thought he felt a bit more cuz like the first weeks we started really seeing each other, he texts me like at 2AM on a Wednesday asking if I still wanted to see him and I thought that was odd for someone who just wanted FWB. So, I didn't see his text until the next day cuz I program my phone to not allow any sounds to come in (except alarms) from 2AM - 10AM. So, I saw his text the next day, but with my schedule. From when I get up I'm busy until I hit work and I sneak in texts during break or at my desk (when I'm not busy). So, I didn't text him till like late the next day and that's when the funny behavior started.

 

He'd like say let's try Friday, and Friday rolls around and I don't hear from him and I have to contact him. I felt as if he was putting it on me to see if I was really into him. And, I got mad one time and he said something happened to his phone and I felt bad and he seemed sincere and concerned...but,

 

It happened again, and I got mad. Then, he was like other excuses. And then, I started seeing this pattern where he's like "whatever" and when I call him on it, he starts putting it on me.

 

I didn't have this issue with my last FWB. He was 42. We didn't even text as much as I do with my current guy. We actually e-mailed. And, it was easy. Just like once a week, a quick "Hi, how are you, what's going on. Wanna meet?" And, we come up with a date/time/place. Maybe once or twice he couldn't make it, but I never had to call him. He'd reach out to me first. So, I don't get why with this 26 year old guy, just basic respect and communication - even for a FWB situation was like too much for him.

 

And, then he wants to make it look like I'm crazy, but hello...if you're doing crazy stuff, you're gonna make someone crazy. Again, I didn't ever have this issue with my last FWB cuz my last FWB didn't give me a reason to be crazy. We agree to meet and that's that. I had no reason to be upset - anything. Also, my last FWB was just nicer. He always brought me flowers. We'd go to eat and stuff. He always was asking me if I needed help with this/that. He would just look around my house and car and just take on stuff without me asking. He even offered to rebuild my closet.

 

And, then this guy... Mr. 26 yr old? He's just so contradictory. He'll be like "I need you, can't wait to get done with this studying, I think about you...etc." But, it's me doing all the work to make time for us to see each other. And yes, I know his studies and all that. And yes, I believe I was beyond understanding, flexible, and had genuine support/care for him - but I think he didn't appreciate that and saw me more as being a doormat.

 

Then, in our little spat today he took offense to me inviting him to move in with him. And, I'm still here trying to pick my mouth off from the ground. Cuz, I'm not a fan of shack-ups. But, gosh darn, everyone is doing it and I guess because of our situations, I figured I'd give it a try. I was not trying to manipulate him into becoming "mine" or anything. I mean, my sis-in-law's friend, who is 42, just moved in with some 23 yr old and they barely know each other. And, I did feel kinda awkward after I suggested moving in with him - to the point that the next day I texted him about it and said I was cool with him if he didn't wanna do it. So, I don't get where today he's like saying I was trying to talk him into moving in with me - as if I was pressuring him into something and/or trying to manipulate the RL into a certain way. Hello, if he didn't text me at 2AM when we first met - asking if I wanted to see more of him and other things he does/says (i.e. "needing" me) I wouldn't have felt comfortable in asking him to move in.

 

It also stings cuz how can this guy go from "needing" me - to talking to me like he did today? Either he's crazy or he was just playing me? I don't see why he had to feel like he had to sweet talk me to get some. I really was attracted to him and liked him and now I just feel sick and stupid. I guess he wasn't as a nice person I thought he was. Well, then he'll be a perfect fit for the career field he's studying for. They're all jerks who could care less about the lives they destroy.

 

Now, I have and am trying to do some introspective thinking. I wonder if me not being able to orgasm and me being hot/cold made him do the things he did to upset me...and then I responded to what he did...and, then he thinks I'm crazy. In other words, I hope it wasn't me sending mixed signals to him. But, even if I did, I think I was very cool and sweet to him and even let him know that I got stuff going on and not to take personal stuff. But, oh well, I don't know what more I could have done here.

 

So, I've learned my lesson here. #1 Stay away from FWB/casual situations - cuz I guess like most women, I'm not built to just have fun without developing feelings.; #2 Stay away from younger guys. I mean, yes age does make a difference; and, #3 Follow my instincts. I had a feeling dating a younger guy with all those studies was going to be difficult and pretty much impossible - yet gave it a try and here we are.

[carhill]

Ok, have you ever asked your SO about his/her past and/or most recent bf/gf/SOs?

 

If so, how did it come up in conversation? Did you flat out ask them to tell you about their past?

Back when I was dating my exW, she did talk about her prior marriages and a few boyfriends. I didn't really quiz her, rather women seem to just spill out all kinds of stuff in my presence, to this day even. It just happened. I don't have a SO now but would imagine the same thing that goes on periodically with women in general, mostly MW's now, would happen again.

 

 

 

Also, on the receiving end, how did you respond and feel about being asked about your past?

Didn't bother me then and doesn't now. I recall telling exW about the lady I was dating at the time I met her and a past GF or two and my involvement with a MW back in my 20's. Pretty normal stuff. Mixed bags we are.

 

Lastly, should we be asking someone about who they dated in the past? Why/why not?

 

IMO, that's a personal thing. Some folks are open. Others private. Others mixed. I can't read minds so just take what comes my way and match it up with life experience and accept it and move on. If things click in the now, that works for me.

[MrDuck]

Its really not something thats a big deal for me so i dont really think much about bringing it up

 

I guess the thing is if you know someone for while before dating them (me and my gf work together and became friends and then more) you kinda get a feel for there realationship past (same as you get a feel for what there childhood was like, and how they get on with there siblings, and how they did at school, without asking direct questions)

I think its something that just comes up in random stories here and there and ultimatly you piece together the jigsaw of the person...

 

My gf knew about my ex and our realtionship because obviously it had came up in conversation, people normally wonder how come im raising my son by myself. And ive never made any secret of the fact that before my ex i didnt take relationships very seriously and i had a lot of flings, its not like im proud of it but it is what it is i dont hide any aspect of my past.. shes never asked me for an exact number or anything.. which is good because i couldnt give her one!

 

When we first started to date i told her straight i hadnt been in a relationship since having my son because i wanted her to know that it was a big deal to me and that i was taking us seriously!

 

She had mentioned an ex before once or twice at work.. i did ask her after a while of being in a realtionship only because.. our physical relationship was progessing quite slowly and i wanted to better understand where she was coming from. I asked her in a no pressure jokey way (cause i guess thats how i deal with all slighly awkward situations) she told me the basics. Shes a private girl, thats cool i dont need ins and outs, all i care about is our realtionship, im not bothered about whar went before.

[Timshel]

Gloria....sorry that you are hurting. Try not to over-analyze why things did not work out with this guy. It didn't for a reason and it is not about nitpicking who said/did, what/when. He wasn't the right one for you.

 

Let yourself feel sad, grieve and do not beat yourself up about it. You never know who or what is around the corner.

 

I would not suggest fwb, no understanding of this concept at all....but I risk being flogged or some 'wizened backlash.' Sex is a super intimate experience...for me.

 

Relationships take time and mutual care to develop, for me, it would be strange to have everything unfold in interview like conversations. The more quality time spent...the more you know. As Mr. Duck said, the pieces start to come together as the relationship progresses.

 

Take care of yourself Gloria....this will pass.

[Gloria25]

Gloria....sorry that you are hurting. Try not to over-analyze why things did not work out with this guy. It didn't for a reason and it is not about nitpicking who said/did, what/when. He wasn't the right one for you.

 

Let yourself feel sad, grieve and do not beat yourself up about it. You never know who or what is around the corner.

 

I would not suggest fwb, no understanding of this concept at all....but I risk being flogged or some 'wizened backlash.' Sex is a super intimate experience...for me.

 

Relationships take time and mutual care to develop, for me, it would be strange to have everything unfold in interview like conversations. The more quality time spent...the more you know. As Mr. Duck said, the pieces start to come together as the relationship progresses.

 

Take care of yourself Gloria....this will pass.

 

Thanks for the kind words

 

I agree with you and Mr. Duck, next time I will not play Russian Roulette with my emotions and engage in another FWB type situation. I also won't spend the time with someone worried about it ending, going bad, etc. I did that a lot with him and even vocalized it on the regular and that probably was a bummer. Next time I will relax, go with the flow and if it doesn't work out...oh well. If it does, great.

 

I don't know, I guess with him I really got knocked off of my feet cuz I didn't expect him to have so many qualities for me to just be a FWB. So, trying to balance not getting hurt with enjoying time with him just turned it weird and awkward.

[The_Onceler]

As an adult, I don't think people necessarily need to ask specifically about each others' past. It seems to me that such information will come to light organically. You will naturally talk about your life experiences, and that will have to include the people who were in your life at those times.

 

As you get more intimately involved, probably you will learn more and more about your partner's past. Much of what we do and do not want from our relationships results from past experience. So, you will likely hear or say stuff like, "I want to do this, and here is why..."