Author Darien 76 Posted July 28, 2016 Author Posted July 28, 2016 yes he was not faithful. she divorced him.
sandylee1 Posted July 28, 2016 Posted July 28, 2016 I asked him why he didn't value me as a girlfriend and stop seeing her and his response was "cause i never stopped feeling responsible for her." Does this make sense to any of the men here? Why did they split up? My brother is divorced and they have 3 kids. He will not do chores over there in respect of his new wife. His daughter once complained about something being broken for ages and I asked if he could maybe just fix it. He said no ... because he had to consider how his wife felt about it. So if my brother won't help where he has kids .... your BF has no excuse to go round there ... but he wants to and he'll never ever stop. 1
Author Darien 76 Posted July 28, 2016 Author Posted July 28, 2016 I really appreciate all of your feedback. Awful situation when you try to be a decent person to others.
smackie9 Posted July 28, 2016 Posted July 28, 2016 I really appreciate all of your feedback. Awful situation when you try to be a decent person to others. The only person you weren't decent to was you......you need to think about YOU for once. 3
Bialy Posted July 28, 2016 Posted July 28, 2016 He has wasted your time! Don't let him waste anymore. He doesn't value you. At the 6 year mark, you shouldn't be seeing someone once a week or an occasional weekend. That is just crazy. My ex lived 30 minutes away and sometimes had to drive an hour in traffic -- we would still see each other 2-4 days a week. Your "boyfriend" is getting his sexual desires and needs met elsewhere. Yes, I think 100% he is cheating.
Author Darien 76 Posted July 28, 2016 Author Posted July 28, 2016 I feel very hurt and that I have screwed up my future.
Redhead14 Posted July 29, 2016 Posted July 29, 2016 I feel very hurt and that I have screwed up my future. You have not screwed up your future. That is yet to be written and is now all yours and unencumbered by this man. You are still a young and vibrant woman with lots to look forward to. Once you have re-established yourself as a secure, independent woman in her own right, you will make a full life for yourself whether or not you have a man in your life. Don't let this experience keep you from moving forward as soon as you can. Don't let this guy have anymore of your emotional energy or time by lamenting over all this. He doesn't deserve it.
mortensorchid Posted July 29, 2016 Posted July 29, 2016 Fixing his ex wife's AC at 2 am? That's strange and shady enough without all the extras you put in. I'd reconsider the situation. Don't stay with him because you don't want to put forth the effort into finding someone new. I know a few couples like this, they're not very happy with themselves or with each other.
Author Darien 76 Posted July 29, 2016 Author Posted July 29, 2016 So I ended things with him after thinking things through and reading the posts. He didn't sound very affected on the call which disturbed me after knowing him for 6 yrs. I asked why he didn't reconcile with his ex and was told "because she doesn't want that and I don't want to.". I said to him what you're doing by not having boundaries with your ex is not the right thing and you will ultimately have to change that or you'll always lose your girlfriends. His response was "I'm not having another girlfriend after you." We used to speak often during the day. The silence is really noticeable to me. I'm posting here and going to bed early. Kinda seems like he did not really love me.
Author Darien 76 Posted July 29, 2016 Author Posted July 29, 2016 Little more info about his ex. She is approx 32 lives in city has a good job. Seems like a capable woman. Very attractive too. She seems to move a lot and has moved about 4 times to different apartments since their divorce. Each time she will call him and he will go with his car and assist with her move. He says he feels he ruined her life with the divorce so if he can help her then he will. The AC was a new AC he took her to Best Buy to purchase then helped her get it back to apartment and install it for her. She takes subway and doesn't have a car. Does that make all of this ok? It still has made me uncomfortable that he didn't respect my feelings. He started telling me about these visits after the fact bc we would fight and that destroyed my trust in him a lot. 1
TXGuy Posted July 29, 2016 Posted July 29, 2016 Little more info about his ex. ... est Buy to purchase then helped her get it back to apartment and install it for her. She takes subway and doesn't have a car. Does that make all of this ok? No it doesn't make it ok and it doesn't matter anymore. You broke up with him remember? Time for no contact. 1
sandylee1 Posted July 29, 2016 Posted July 29, 2016 This man is as useful as a knitted condom. If motherhood is something you want, might I suggest that you consider having some of your eggs frozen with a fertility clinic. If you meet someone else this might still enable you to have that chance. 2
Lois_Griffin Posted July 29, 2016 Posted July 29, 2016 Do you guys think he is sleeping with his ex wife? He says he isn't - that he sees her as a cousin. He showed me the receipts for the supplies that were purchased to fix the AC and that his friend in construction went with him to do the repair bc he does not know how to. Either way even if he isn't sleeping with her I am uncomfortable with this relationship they have and doesn't seem like he respects my feelings regarding it or really on any other topic for that matter. He says he loves me but this doesn't feel loving a lot of times. When we are in person he is very loving and attentive so that confuses me. He bought me a nice laptop last week and said I deserved it. What is he getting out of this? He says he has stayed bc he is hopeful things would get better and that he fears my anger. But how can things get better when he keeps doing the same things to upset me? I am at a total loss. feels like leaving and moving on is the only option being that he quit therapy. I think he's sleeping with a lot of people, not just his ex. He's sneaky, slimy, shady and arrogant. And if you believe he was 'helping' fix his ex's AC at 2:00 am, then I have some oceanfront property in Kansas I'd like to sell you. Some guys like to have a 'main' woman in their lives but they also like to screw around every chance they get - while their main woman waits for them at home, 100% loyal and devoted and only too happy to throw together a sandwich for them after they come home from a night of tom-catting. That's who you're with. One of those types. The type who'll throw out a few hundred bucks to buy you a laptop to shut you up so he can continue his whoring around while you blissfully wait for him at home and think he's the best thing since sliced bread.
Lois_Griffin Posted July 29, 2016 Posted July 29, 2016 yes he was not faithful. she divorced him. Oh Jesus. I already knew that before you posted it. You already wasted 6 years on this hot mess, don't waste another 6 years trying to figure out why you weren't 'good enough' for a lying cheater who has to live with his parents. He's a complete loser. 1
DramaInPajamas Posted July 29, 2016 Posted July 29, 2016 Little more info about his ex. She is approx 32 lives in city has a good job. Seems like a capable woman. Very attractive too. She seems to move a lot and has moved about 4 times to different apartments since their divorce. Each time she will call him and he will go with his car and assist with her move. He says he feels he ruined her life with the divorce so if he can help her then he will. The AC was a new AC he took her to Best Buy to purchase then helped her get it back to apartment and install it for her. She takes subway and doesn't have a car. Does that make all of this ok? It still has made me uncomfortable that he didn't respect my feelings. He started telling me about these visits after the fact bc we would fight and that destroyed my trust in him a lot. Seriously who cares about his ex! You shouldn't. You know so much about this woman. What about you? Why cant you care about your own life? 2
Bialy Posted July 29, 2016 Posted July 29, 2016 You sound very fixated on his ex: THINK ABOUT IT THIS WAY... You only know what he has told you about her. There's a reason they divorced --- he most likely treated her the same way as he did to you! I honestly doubt he was only seeing his ex - I think he just felt it was a good story to maintain his lying to you. What you have gone through is not easy!!! we are here for you! 1
Bialy Posted July 29, 2016 Posted July 29, 2016 His response to you breaking up with him was COLD! EXTREMELY COLD. He did NOT emotionally invest in you at all.
Author Darien 76 Posted July 29, 2016 Author Posted July 29, 2016 Good morning and thank you loveshack posters. I have been reading your posts since I woke. Lot of smart people on here with a lot of experience. Something that is sticking out to me is that he would get very angry when I would point out areas that needed to be improved - and yes many of these areas were with him. For example drinking until 4am and not calling me if he said he would, hiding the phone that time, boundaries with his ex. As I brought up issues he would be angry and not work on them either. He told me he felt our relationship is "toxic." Please help me to understand what I did to make things toxic. I feel like he is just a toxic immature person who will be toxic with any decent girl. What are your thoughts on this statement by him? It makes me feel like I did something wrong and I would like to know what I did wrong with him to be told something like that. Thank you.
Author Darien 76 Posted July 29, 2016 Author Posted July 29, 2016 I just want to make sure I am saying this right. He has left me with the impression that he will move on and have a relationship that isn't toxic due to me. He felt that he couldn't trust me. He would say "I can't tell you things because I don't trust you." I did nothing untrustworthy so I don't even understand that. What the ????
Redhead14 Posted July 29, 2016 Posted July 29, 2016 I just want to make sure I am saying this right. He has left me with the impression that he will move on and have a relationship that isn't toxic due to me. He felt that he couldn't trust me. He would say "I can't tell you things because I don't trust you." I did nothing untrustworthy so I don't even understand that. What the ???? Well, we do not know both sides of the story, however, just seeing what you've written here, it's clear that he was not invested in you on any level. Of course, he will say it's your "fault" and turn it on you, he's just a selfish man. It was a toxic relationship for YOU. This man was poison. And, likely doing what he did with you and a couple of other women. I don't know what's up with him doing all he does for his ex. You say he feels guilty, he should apparently. But more than that, he is a selfish person so there is something he is getting from that scenario, some benefit or he wouldn't be doing it and it's not about being altruistic. I question the mentality of his ex as well. He cheated, she divorced him and hasn't slammed that door. Unless there are children involved, there shouldn't be any regular contact. Yeah, the can remain friendly and civil, but there's no need for all that he does. Beyond that, even though you've been "together" for 6 years, you two never really spent enough quality time to create a bond that would allow trust. Even you didn't trust HIM. You've been questioning things with him for quite some time. Kudos to you for ending things with him. Please be resolved to never speak to him ever again. Delete his number, block him on everything and keep moving.
Author Darien 76 Posted July 30, 2016 Author Posted July 30, 2016 I really could use your help right now. I started going over dates and things in my mind that didn't add up. Like he told me he was helping with a film shoot on a Friday, but surprise the shoot didn't start until the following Saturday. So I called to confront him now and he didn't answer. I know it's over and I don't want this *****bag back. Please give me some support or advice about why I shouldn't bother confronting him. I am so angry right now about these lies and cheating.
Redhead14 Posted July 30, 2016 Posted July 30, 2016 I really could use your help right now. I started going over dates and things in my mind that didn't add up. Like he told me he was helping with a film shoot on a Friday, but surprise the shoot didn't start until the following Saturday. So I called to confront him now and he didn't answer. I know it's over and I don't want this *****bag back. Please give me some support or advice about why I shouldn't bother confronting him. I am so angry right now about these lies and cheating. Don't bother confronting him. He doesn't care if you go off on him. He's not going to feel badly. It's not going to change anything. If anything, you will simply be referred to as another "crazy ex". And, in his head or maybe even out loud say, "wow, it took you 6 years to figure out I was lying to you all this time?" Let this go. Go no contact. Delete, block, done. 1
stillafool Posted July 30, 2016 Posted July 30, 2016 I really could use your help right now. I started going over dates and things in my mind that didn't add up. Like he told me he was helping with a film shoot on a Friday, but surprise the shoot didn't start until the following Saturday. So I called to confront him now and he didn't answer. I know it's over and I don't want this *****bag back. Please give me some support or advice about why I shouldn't bother confronting him. I am so angry right now about these lies and cheating. Why are you calling him when you've already broken up? He doesn't care. When you think about the terrible way he has treated you keep silent or journal. Use those bad things he did to you as remembrance as to why you dumped him. There's no reason to confront him because he doesn't care.
Author Darien 76 Posted July 30, 2016 Author Posted July 30, 2016 I feel awful right now that he gets to skip off loving life while I have to get through the pain of this. It's not right. Anything you have to say to comfort me I would greatly appreciate. I am hurting and in tears.
Zahara Posted July 30, 2016 Posted July 30, 2016 I really could use your help right now. I started going over dates and things in my mind that didn't add up. Like he told me he was helping with a film shoot on a Friday, but surprise the shoot didn't start until the following Saturday. So I called to confront him now and he didn't answer. I know it's over and I don't want this *****bag back. Please give me some support or advice about why I shouldn't bother confronting him. I am so angry right now about these lies and cheating. I think deep down inside you knew long before that there was a likelihood that he was cheating. You may have suppressed it far enough in order to avoid it. Now that it's ended, it's all coming up to surface. Now that he's discarded you so easily, you're angry and looking for ways to provoke him and to make him accountable for where you are. He's not going to do that because you chose to accept it. You knew, OP. There were too many red flags for you to suddenly now be surprised with your findings. You need to block him, delete his number, and accept that for the past 6 years, he never treated you the way you deserved and will not do so now. So nothing can come from contact. Eliminate him from your life. 1
Recommended Posts