bennychase Posted June 30, 2005 Posted June 30, 2005 I have been dating this girl for two and a half years. Recently, about 3-4 months ago, she decided she needed a break. This need for a break came right after I bought both the wedding and engagement rings. She knows I bought them. She says this break is a time for her to mature, improve her self esteem (which she has problems with) and date other people, and her overall goal is to get this stuff out of her system now so at the end of the summer so, when she gets back from New York, she will be ready to be serious about our realtionship. She is in NY until mid August. Meaning I will be dealing with this until then. Here is the most recent email she sent me. She sent this tonight. I just want to know what you all think about my situation. EMAIL: Your emails have been so sweet! and i miss you so much. Do you want good news or bad news first? Good news? ok! I am learning gutiar. My gutiar teacher said I learn very fast. I've learned "sweet home alabama" "johnny jump up" "what i got" and four more. some blues. my gutiar teacher is also teaching me to sing. He agrees with you - i have too much vabrado in my voice. My swimming lessons are going awesome...and children's leader is going great. we've had the cutest babies in the world so far. I am taking care of infants. they are cute! two of them im teaching how to walk. its adorable. My self esteem has its ups and downs, i deff. had a down yesterday. there is A LOT of drama going on here. no one can keep a secret...and everyone knows what everyone else is doing. SOOOO much drama...so much drama that even general hospital couldn't keep up! Soooo, I'm going to do the Variety Show. Have you ever seen a skit done called stomp? You get brooms and trash cans and you make music out of it. Its me and three other guys. sooo im excitied to get practice and cheograph some stuff ! But there are things I have to tell you. Yes, its about boys.... but just to let you know....they (yes two guys) do know about you and know where i stand with you. I like to make that known to people so they don't get too attached. I'm glad you are having fun! I have changed alot too it seems. I am so happy with myself. And, well, with me casually dating, I have found that I can be myself...and still be dating someone. I felt as though I couldn't do that with you because I was insicure about myself. and whenever I would be hanging out with some other guy my mom would be like "nicole...you're not being very fair to benny" when...really...you didn't really care if i hung out with guys. So with that...i am learning. Here is what I have done -- in all cliff notes version. I hooked up (meaning..kissed) a guy. I was with him for three days...and now I am with another guy. I guess we are sorta casually dating. I'm trying to put everything out there now...I know this will hurt you, and I am sorry for this hurt I have caused. And yes, I have slept with them too (Slept meaning just laying down and sleeping not sex of any flavor) But nothing else. The guy I am casually dating now knows where I stand with you. There is A LOT more drama going on -- but that is the gist of it. Like...guy #1 still has a huge crush on me...and I'm not looking for anything serious...and he tested my limits. I am a strong person thats why I broke it off with guy #1 b/c I felt that he didn't respect me. guy #2 resepcts me...and is a great guy...but also knows i have someone waiting for me. but...any questions/comments please tell!! well i miss you sweetie! and tell me if you have any...GIRL issues. i kinda hope you do -- not so i can feel better about myself..but to know you are having fun...with girls.. too love you and can't wait to see you! Nicole END OF EMAIL We chatted for a few minutes after she sent the email. I asked her the following: Benny: I just need to know whether or not you are still 100% sure about us. Are you? Nicole: when i get back i would like to dicuss it with you to see where we both stand - and yes, i am 100% seroius with that Nicole: i would like to see how we work together as a couple...with my new slef and all Benny: But your not 100% serious about us getting back together ... that was the question Nicole: understand? and if we can do that...then i am 100% seroius about us getting back together Nicole: yes i am seroius about us getting back together -- im just trying to have fun right now Benny: its cool your having a great time, im sure you need this getaway Nicole: i dont want you to go on and on how im not respect our relationship b.c I AM! Nicole: i do need this benny...more than anything!!!! Nicole: and i thank you for waiting for me Benny: No, i wasnt going in that direction Benny: because i know you need this Nicole: i do love you...and respect our relationship and everything we have been thru Nicole: i do need this -- and i am finding sooo many things out about myself I have no clue how to handle this. I am trying to play it cool so I dont come across like a needy wuss, but inside I am being torn apart! I am hanging out with other girls and trying to have a good time but how can I when the girl whom I love so dearly is in NY messing around with other guys?!? This has brought me so much pain and uncertainty. I want to trust in her and trust that she will be coming back to me. I don't know how to continue "playing it cool" without hurting even more. Anybody have any advice for me??
Zaira Posted June 30, 2005 Posted June 30, 2005 It looks to me as if she has used you AND expects you to be there when she has finished having her fun. ie. she wants to have her cake and eat it too If it were me, I would try to move on with my life - there are women out there that will NOT treat you like this EVER!!!!!!!!!!!
Author bennychase Posted June 30, 2005 Author Posted June 30, 2005 I am meeting and haging out with other girls but thats it. I have not kissed anyone or doen any of the things she has done. I just can't right now because I love her so much! Then again, if thats how I feel, then using the same logic one could argue that she doesnt love me as much as I love her. "there are women out there that will NOT treat you like this EVER!!!!!!!!!!!" Yeah, where are they?? I have yet to meet one! Am I screwing myself by having hope that she will come back and everything will be the way it was only better now that all this is over? I have a friend who went through the same thing with his girlfriend of 3 years at the time. They got things out of thier system and are happily married now. My friend told me to play it cool and date other people but dont rely on her. When she gets back, talk about things and take it from there. Is that reasonable?
Zaira Posted June 30, 2005 Posted June 30, 2005 It sounds reasonable, for sure. Only YOU know how you feel about her and if you ARE willing to wait. I know I couldn't start seeing a guy (esp if I thought I was going to marry him) again after he'd been sleeping around AND telling me the things your girl has - the bit where she said she can be herself around these guys, but didn't think she could with you (just doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to me). I wouldn't go around dating/kissing other girls just because she is seeing other guys though - that will just cause heartache all round. If you feel the time is right, then start seeing other people, otherwise use this time to find happiness within yourself.
rastafari Posted June 30, 2005 Posted June 30, 2005 you got to hit the eject button man and get out of there. she is treating you like you are one of her girlfriends by telling you all that crap about the guys she is with... "know this will hurt you, and I am sorry for this hurt I have caused" then why the hell is she doing it if she really cared. thats how i see it. i mean your sitting there with wedding rings and there girl is off kissin on two other guys and telling you all about it. cut her off man, NC all the way. you need to heal because i know you are hurting real bad...forget about her, she is mentaly abusing you. save those rings for somone else. thats my opinion, but everything should work out and falll into its place. if you marry her, it will happen. but im telling you NC all the way. nothing no calls, so responses, make her wonder. she will chase you down once she knows your not there for her. thats my two cents
rastafari Posted June 30, 2005 Posted June 30, 2005 its not for that long anyway, its only like a month. "set her free" it sounds like she is comming back for shure though. i think you should leave her completely alone.
Author bennychase Posted June 30, 2005 Author Posted June 30, 2005 rastafari: The reason she says these things are because we agreed to tell each other what all was going on including with other people. When I agreed to this I wasn't sure how it was going to feel to hear about her with some other guys. I know now it really hurts. BTW, she had 'Casually Dated' one other guy for a month before she left for NY. She has been in NY since June 13th. I don’t know if NC is the right choice. On one hand I feel it would help me heal, and on the other, we agreed to keep communicating throughout this break so we do not become and are not strangers when she comes back around in August. Why? Because she still maintains she wants to be with me and only me when she comes back. Then again, It is only for a month or so and I do need to heal and she just may need to know that as far as I am concerned, enough is enough. Hell, now I am confused.
moimeme Posted June 30, 2005 Posted June 30, 2005 Sometimes the only way to understand what a treasure you have is to do some comparison. You two are both fairly young and I'm guessing neither of you had a lot of other relationships before deciding to marry. She may have had people telling her it's too soon to marry and that she needs to live more before making that choice. Right now, she's comparing those guys to you and you come out on top every time. She's banishing her fears/worries that her decision to marry you might have been because you two have become a habit. While I wouldn't suggest that everyone do this before they marry, I know that I would want someone to be 1000% sure he wanted to marry me and so if that meant he had to go out with a couple other people a few times just to be sure, then that would be much better than him doubting his reasons for his decision. I think people fall in love far too easily and agree to marry too quickly and then feel bad about it. She's doing something very unconventional but if it results in her marrying you with zero doubts, you'll be far ahead of a lot of couples who marry having doubts and end up divorcing because of those doubts.
sanne Posted June 30, 2005 Posted June 30, 2005 ok benny, listen very closely to what I say as this could save you a lot of heartache and trouble. I don't care if you guys promised to talk and communicate during the break, you have to let go right now. You must, and I repeat must, institute NC. Trust me, this is for your own personal well being more than anything. You are her backup. She is sleeping with other guys, don't believe her b.s. for a second. You shouldn't have to deal with this from someone who supposedly loves you. Tell her politely that you love her with all your heart and always will, but that you cannot continue going on like this for any longer. And just walk away. If she is the right girl for you, SHE WILL COME BACK FOR YOU. Please trust me on this one man, she will have so much more respect for you if you do this. And you will be a much stronger person as well, it's a win-win situation. I hope you make the right decisions and listen to the great advice given here. We don't tell you these things because we want you to suffer, we tell you them because we've all been in your shoes and would never want to make the same mistakes again.
rastafari Posted June 30, 2005 Posted June 30, 2005 Originally posted by sanne ok benny, listen very closely to what I say as this could save you a lot of heartache and trouble. I don't care if you guys promised to talk and communicate during the break, you have to let go right now. You must, and I repeat must, institute NC. Trust me, this is for your own personal well being more than anything. You are her backup. She is sleeping with other guys, don't believe her b.s. for a second. You shouldn't have to deal with this from someone who supposedly loves you. Tell her politely that you love her with all your heart and always will, but that you cannot continue going on like this for any longer. And just walk away. If she is the right girl for you, SHE WILL COME BACK FOR YOU. Please trust me on this one man, she will have so much more respect for you if you do this. And you will be a much stronger person as well, it's a win-win situation. I hope you make the right decisions and listen to the great advice given here. We don't tell you these things because we want you to suffer, we tell you them because we've all been in your shoes and would never want to make the same mistakes again. do exactly what sanne is saying. i know you two agreed on talking about everything that is going on. but she needs to explore herself and whatnot, and she cant fully do that by holding on to you. like sanne is saying, if she is the right girl she Will come back. everything will fall into its place, no sense in pushing things becuase it is a waist of energy and worries. and by her telling you that she is doing all this stuff with other people just has to be crushing you, dont put up with it. i completely agree with sanne. this is for you man. you cant go on livin like that.
konfused Posted June 30, 2005 Posted June 30, 2005 Leave that broad NOW. Don't wait a second. It happened once and it will happen again. It hurts way worse the second time around because you could almost feel it happening.
javaespressons Posted July 1, 2005 Posted July 1, 2005 I really have to say that I'm sorry to you- because I know exacty how it feels. I read your story and felt like it was my own writing because I am in the exact same situation. I have been best friends with "Jenn" for a few years, and with her for almost 2. Our relationship has been very good, although hard because we leave about 90 minutes from each other (college). Because of work, I am not home for the summer like she wishes that I was. As a result, many bad things have happenned. She announced that she needs a break on Monday night- something that I saw coming a mile away. Now I am hearing about her times with other guys (both before and after our break) and just can't stop wanting to die over it. It's actually really depressing me, so I'm now looking to see a counselor. I just feel bad, because this really sucks. I really hope that this works out for both of us. If you need someone to talk to, IM me sometime. AIM: Javaespressons Good Luck!
Author bennychase Posted July 1, 2005 Author Posted July 1, 2005 It is hard and I can definitely feel your pain as well. The hardest part for me is not so much the fact that we don't see each other all of the time, we lived 3 hours away from each other during the 2 1/2 years of being together, or even that she wanted to take this break. The hardest most painful and devastating part about this break is SHE IS WITH OTHER GUYS! The fact that I have devoted myself to her these past 2 years and then all of the sudden without any warning she wants to see other guys! Maybe moimeme is right. I have dated a lot more than she has, I am 24 and she is 20, and she probably does feel she needs to experience other guys. Hell, she says she does. She makes it very clear. She says she ultimately wants to be with me for the rest of her life but she needs to experience other things before devoting herself to our relationship. She says she needs to mature and more self-confident before she can be completely happy being with me. For me I don't know why this hurts so much because I know she is just kissing and fooling around a little. I know she is not having sexual encounters with these guys. She is not like that. We made it clear in the beginning of this break that as long as we ultimately want to be together, we will not doing anything more than casually date and there will be NO sexual encounters of any flavor with anyone. I am keeping a blog of emails sent and received from her as well as pretty much everything that is happening while on this break: http://bennychase.myblogsite.com/blog/NicoleBreakinNY javaespressons: I have added you to my buddy list. My screen name on AOL: BennyChase
sanne Posted July 1, 2005 Posted July 1, 2005 benny i don't wanna sound like an ass but i can assure you with 99.9% certainty that she is having sex with other men. what part of seeing and experiencing other guys didn't you understand? she wants to experience relationships with other types of guys, and yes this will almost certainly include sex with other guys. what you don't need right now is to worry about this. you seem like a smart and level headed guy, trust me it sounds like this girl is for sure coming back to you so why fret over this now. use this as your opportunity to hook up with other girls too.
Author bennychase Posted July 1, 2005 Author Posted July 1, 2005 Sanne, you are right. I think she is probably coming back to me but the last thing I need to worry or think about is what she is doing with other guys. When I do, I get angry and it brings me down a few notches. My friend, who I mentioned earlier and he has been through the same thing, told me yesturday that as long I a play it cool, meet other women if I want, don't think about what she is doing worrying instead about myself, and have fun while on this break I will survive. He also added: Oh, and for gods sake don't ever say anything to her that makes you sound like a needy little wuss (good advice for any man in any situation). I sent him the complete chat we had after she sent me the email I posted up here. He also read that email. He was proud. He said he kept waiting for me to say something stupid and regrettable but I never did The point is, I have nothing to loose by waiting for her as long as I can live my life as normal. As long as I do what I want and don't let this 'break' and what she is doing on this 'break' drag me down. If I do these things and we don't get back together, well, at least I will have my sh** in order. And if we do get back together, I will have my Sh** in order.
IrrationalEmotions Posted July 3, 2005 Posted July 3, 2005 This is a classic very immature girl. My advice to you is to get out while you can. This girl doesn't care about anyone but herself. Trust me, I have been there. Shes not mature enough to get married, and it looks like you are. I'm in the same situation right now, and for a long time I didn't know what to do. Find a girl who wouldn't do this crap to you. You deserve better than this girl. She tries to make it look innocent, but really she is just a slut, thats all there is to it. Sorry to be so harsh here, but I'm in pretty much the same situation.
Sal Paradise Posted July 3, 2005 Posted July 3, 2005 HELL NO, don't wait for that manipulative ****! She is using you and wants to see what else is out there and if she doesn't find anything better she will settle for you.
upsetnhurt Posted July 3, 2005 Posted July 3, 2005 Benny, Are you guys really ready for marriage? Is she still in sleep away camp? How old are both of you cause I did not know there was a sleep away camp for adults?
javaespressons Posted July 6, 2005 Posted July 6, 2005 I have tried to refrain from saying this... but I really think it needs to be said. It looks like almost all of you are doing your best to break these two up and lump them into the same missery that you share with oneanother. I've seen several assumptions here about how she is definately sleeping with other men, how she is manipulative, how she doesn't care about anybody but herseld, how he would be so much better off without her, and worst that she is a slut. I think what none of you realize is that you know NOTHING about her or what she is going through. Let's take a look at the character of this girl that we know... We know first that she has been very honest and said that she needs a break, but notice that she did not say she needs to sleep with other men. Thus we have a break with open communication, but seeing that it's a break the comunications will be infrequent and not as fullfilling as it was before the break. So both members of this break communicate, isn't it obvious that they are talking about what they are doing with other people, becasue afterall they do have many friendly qualities as well. At this point we have a girl and a boy who are on break, and have promised not to sleep with other people. Neither party has been at all dishonest with the other, so why would we assume that she is sleeping with anyone else? She is telling him about some things that she does, why ont it all. We have no reason to believe she is dishonest, so why do we? So now we have a crossroad. She is on a break trying to regain her self-esteem and experience a little more of the world before she settles down for marriage. This is actually a really really good idea- it would be best to get this done down that 5 years down the road. Now he has a choice to make, to give her this break and deal with the interim pain that comes with it. His desirable outcome would be for her to end with him, and I hope that she does. But now lets see what her desirable outcome is: to be happy and have self-esteem. My point is this: You can all sympathize and feel sorry for the feelings that benny is going through right now, that is completely natural. What you can NOT do it tell him what he should do, or make outlandsh assumptions about Nicoles character, intentions, or personality. You DON'T know that she's a slut! You DON'T know that she is sleeping with other people! YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HER!!! I think it anything she should have equal sympathy, for she too is probably having a hard time with this and is dealing with it the best that she can. I only hope that she has some better support resources than all of you...
sanne Posted July 7, 2005 Posted July 7, 2005 java i think your getting the wrong ideas here. we are all trying to save benny from further misery. what good is it gonna do for him to sit and listen to his ex-gf tell him stories about who she is hooking up with? we aren't telling him to write her off completely, we are just saying its best if he stopped worrying about her and started getting on with his own life. why should he be forced to sit and wait while his ex goes around and hooks up with other people? and your right, my assumptions about this girl as biased. anytime i hear the words "i need a break", it registers in my mind as "i want to bang other guys". but i'm usually 99% right in that regard.
javaespressons Posted July 7, 2005 Posted July 7, 2005 I understand what you are trying to do, I just don't agree with how you are doing it. As far as your presumptions go, keep them in check. It's not possible to be 99% correct in the regard that breaks mean that she/he wants to 'bang' other people. It could yes, but don't make an ass of yourself by throwing out assumptions. Telling Benny that she is probabaly 'banging' other guys does not save him misery, but rather causes him more by having to think about it. Just show a little more respect for it, and be atleast a little optimistic. God forbid the day that you need a break and it is for the most honest of intentions.
sanne Posted July 7, 2005 Posted July 7, 2005 i personally think breaks are just coverups for deeper issues. sure we all need time apart now and then, but real breaks like this are generally representative of a much larger problem.
IrrationalEmotions Posted July 7, 2005 Posted July 7, 2005 The whole idea of needing a break is ridiculous. It just shows that the relationship isn't working. What is she going to do after they get married and she starts feeling this way again? Chances are, this is an indicator of how she will behave for the rest of her life when confronted with difficult situations. If you really care about her a lot, then maybe you don't mind getting kicked around a bit like this. But make no mistake, the fact that she is willing to do this to you signifies a real lack of respect for your feelings. There are two groups of people on these forums it seems. There are the realists, and the optimists. The optimists seem to think that present behavior isn't a severe indicator of the person's character. Why not just get on with your own life, and let the chips fall where they may? You certainly shouldn't "wait" for her. After all, she isn't waiting for you. If it's meant to be, it will happen.
Sal Paradise Posted July 7, 2005 Posted July 7, 2005 Originally posted by javaespressons I understand what you are trying to do, I just don't agree with how you are doing it. As far as your presumptions go, keep them in check. It's not possible to be 99% correct in the regard that breaks mean that she/he wants to 'bang' other people. It could yes, but don't make an ass of yourself by throwing out assumptions. Telling Benny that she is probabaly 'banging' other guys does not save him misery, but rather causes him more by having to think about it. Just show a little more respect for it, and be atleast a little optimistic. God forbid the day that you need a break and it is for the most honest of intentions. I would say that 90% of most breaks are done so the person can see whats out there, it could be for other reasons but you can't ignore the majority. Whether she sleeps with them or not why the hell should he be her damn security blanket? If she is unsure he is the one what right does she have to ask him to put his trust into her? No one should have to do that. He has to put himself first in this situation because that is what she is doing. She wants it both ways, you can't have it both ways. If there are problems in the relationship then work on them, there is no need to break up. If she needs some space to find her own life, fine she can do that without breaking up. The only reason for a break is so she can evaluate whats out there and whether she wants him. So he should wait around be her little lap dog while she decides if she wants him or not? So she can go test drive a newer model and decide if she wants an upgrade? That is complete and utter BS. I didn't give the advice to dump her because I am miserable. I am in a great relationship. You can't have a great relationship if you allow people to walk all over you. If he allows her to do this he will always wonder in the back of his mind what she did during the break, he will always wonder if she settled for him. There is no pause button in a good relationship, if its not on its off. Besides the best way to wake her up to what she has is to make her realize she will lose it if she takes it for granted.
Author bennychase Posted July 7, 2005 Author Posted July 7, 2005 I really do appreciate all of the advice both 'Realistic' and 'Optimistic' posted. I found out a couple of days ago that she will be in NY until August 20, and I probably will not be able to see her until the 27th at the earliest. Before this break we both agreed to see other people, to my dismay, and I made it clear to her that I will not put my life on standby for her while she fools around with other guys and finds herself. The problem is I feel as though I am stuck in a rut. I am hurting everyday because I am torn between: My life is not on standby and I am doing everything I can to keep moving forward and being happy, yet everyday I hurt because I feel like this 'break' is a rain cloud following me everywhere I go constantly drizzling on me. Thus, I can't seem to truly move on. What is keeping me from just telling her I am done is simply the What If's involved with throwing in the towel. What if I give up and we never talk again? What if I hang on and continue pressing forward, hoping that each day this gets easier, and stick it out until August? What if she comes back in August and she wants nothing to do with me after I have waited for 5-6 months? What if she comes back and we are completely happy together? I don't know. And I have been struggling with these damn questions for such a long time. they are burdens I am sick of bearing because of her. Its funny because before she left for NY she said these next few months would be the easiest for her. Well, they are by far the hardest months I have ever faced! I sent her an email Tuesday requesting that she makes time to talk seriously with me on the phone; though, I did not tell her what I want to talk about. If she calls I will feel out how the conversation goes and base my final decision on how the conversation goes and how we both feel. If she does not call, or does not want to talk about us - I am done!
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