I promise I wasn't snooping! Potential cheating?

[Ellejay]

It started when I when I logged on Facebook through his laptop. (My laptop died & he doesn't mind if I use his laptop). He rarely uses Facebook because he believes that social media is detrimental as it keeps you in this "bubble" (which I do agree haha), so I found it odd that he was logged on. I didn't really think too much about it & since all I wanted to do was search this Bernie Sanders group on Facebook, I didn't really think it would be necessary to log out.

 

As I typed the name on the search bar, I saw more than 10 other womens' names he had searched in the last month. The girls looked beautiful & I'm not going to lie, killed my self esteem a little bit (I know I shouldn't have clicked them, but I got curious lol). Not too long ago, I questioned if he had attraction to anyone at his work because his demeanor significantly changed; more confident, a girl coworker gave him a phone because he doesn't have a phone, charming to others even when I was next to him to the point where I thought he was flirting! It just seems like he LOVED the attention.

 

Now, I would like to believe he & I have great communication, so I approached his change in personality to where I was calm & asked him if he had attraction for someone else & gave him reasons to why I would assume so. He was livid & claimed that it aggravates him that his past will always haunt him (cheated on his 2 girlfriends) & doesn't want to be looked at like his Dad (Dad was a cheater & abused his mom, passed away when he was 2 years old).

 

It has nothing to do with those factors though... It was that instinct I had, based upon current incidents! I considered dating him & looked passed his mistakes because it honestly seemed like he learned from them... Now I'm starting to question it. He has been snappy which in turn causes us to argue frequently, but claims that it's the stress from work & school, which is understandable. But I mean in order to alleviate that stress, it seems like he's looking for other outlets when I'm TRYING to make it easy for him at home. I also help with his homework & prepare his lunch! Clean the room, etc.

 

I just found the Facebook searches today & haven't talked to him about it.

 

We've been together for 2 years & we live together. What should I do?

 

Men who have cheated in the past, what's your take on this?

Edited July 27, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~6

[I Just Wanna b Happy]

How old are you two?

[Ellejay]

Opps, forgot to mention that. I am 21 & he is 26. Both going to school.

[bachdude]

Well, I'm not seeing any evidence of cheating here. I think you are reading into this quite a bit.

 

 

But it sounds to me you do have an issue of trusting him, because of his past.

[smackie9]

Cheaters are also liars.....and turn blame or divert/distract when questioned.

 

it's one thing to have a one night drunken mistake, but it's another to be a serial cheater who had affairs.

 

I believe he is still a cheater, and up to his usual tactics....the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree as they say.

[smackie9]

Maybe he thinks it's not stepping over the line to flirt, and have emotional affairs, because sex isn't involved.

 

His response reflects guilt. Remember go by his actions.....follow your instincts.

[Zahara]

Cheated on both his girlfriends and hates being compared to his father who was a cheater. Seems like someone can't handle the truth.

 

I would never date a guy knowing he's cheated in both relationships. How did you decide that he gained a lesson from his previous behavior? How did he confirm to you that he is a changed person?

 

Also, stop being his mother. It's not attractive. He's a grown man able to clean his own room and cook his own food. It makes him lazy and dependent. He should play an active role in taking care of himself.

[Ellejay]

Well, I'm not seeing any evidence of cheating here. I think you are reading into this quite a bit.

 

 

But it sounds to me you do have an issue of trusting him, because of his past.

 

I felt like I was kind of being paranoid, but given that there were ONLY WOMEN names he searched, that kind of piqued my curiosity... He even searched for a girl he had a fling with in the past ( he has had sex with 15 other girls). I did at first when we started dating, I was very attentive to his actions & it seemed like he was really loyal & honestly learned from his mistakes. I would like to think that it doesn't really cross my mind about his past now, & I just question his current actions. I can't help but to think that he misses the attention he had with other girls.

[I Just Wanna b Happy]

It's plausible to think he's still in his "playa stage". At 26, the average male hasn't even experienced half of his sexual goals yet. Settling down is more than likely not a priority. You might want to have a real talk with him because you may be in for a surprise if you doing a little more digging.....

[Ellejay]

Cheated on both his girlfriends and hates being compared to his father who was a cheater. Seems like someone can't handle the truth.

 

I would never date a guy knowing he's cheated in both relationships. How did you decide that he gained a lesson from his previous behavior? How did he confirm to you that he is a changed person?

 

Also, stop being his mother. It's not attractive. He's a grown man able to clean his own room and cook his own food. It makes him lazy and dependent. He should play an active role in taking care of himself.

 

Yeah, I didn't think I would either. In fact, I came across someone who was a potential partner, but their past bothered me so it didn't advance any further. He is the first that I have dated with a cheating past actually. I realized he changed due to his relationship with his mom & his feelings towards his dad. His mom & him have a significantly close relationship & when he talks about his dad or past, there is that sense of guilt he has which it seems like he would never want to go through again. I've heard that cheaters will always be cheaters, which repelled me from past potential partners, but with him I didn't feel that way...

 

LOL, yeah I know. But honestly I just want to alleviate his stress that he encounters with Full Time work & FUll Time school. I want home to be a place where he doesn't have to deal with stress, so that's why I do all the little things. When I say "help" with homework, I don't mean do his homework by the way. How can I be less of a mother then? In terms of being a helpful girlfriend, wouldn't little things I do for him contribute?

[Ellejay]

It's plausible to think he's still in his "playa stage". At 26, the average male hasn't even experienced half of his sexual goals yet. Settling down is more than likely not a priority. You might want to have a real talk with him because you may be in for a surprise if you doing a little more digging.....

 

Actually, he's had 15 other sexual partners already. He was the one who wanted to settle down initially, whereas I didn't (being 19 at the time). I don't find that I have that issue of settling down anymore. I should talk to him though about it, because with like my situation, things can change. Thanks.

[JewelD]

You're not married so you don't have to do any of those things for him, honestly. If you're both paying bills, you should both share the responsibility of taking care of the house.

 

and you don't think he's changed if you took the time to notice what women's names popped up. I'm unsure of what fb feature would allow you to even see when these names were searched unless you continued clicking further onto his account.

 

You obviously don't trust him, he's acting guilty of something, (a female coworker gifted him a phone?? Why?), since you live together, you're either going to have to move out or silently deal with it honestly.

 

He doesn't seem like the type of guy who's going to admit to anything and if you bring up this facebook thing, it's not going to end well, because it is snooping and you can't say you accidentally happened upon it.

 

If you feel like something is going on, you should end it. You can cook and clean for him all day, it won't stop him from cheating on you if that's what he wants to do.

[bachdude]

I guess all the posters here have tried, found guilty, and hung your boyfriend.

[Ellejay]

Maybe he thinks it's not stepping over the line to flirt, and have emotional affairs, because sex isn't involved.

 

His response reflects guilt. Remember go by his actions.....follow your instincts.

 

You are right... It just sucks to hear that cheaters will always cheat, because I took that risk of thinking he would change. But ultimately, it's the reality. Maybe he isn't physically cheating, but emotionally is a possibility, & it is still cheating. Thank you.

[bachdude]

May I remind everyone here that there is absolutely no evidence of cheating here except FB searches.

 

 

I've looked up all kinds of people on FB, including past GF but it was strictly out of curiosity. That is a far cry from cheating.

 

 

And about honesty, he did admit to you he cheated two times before. That took some courage because he could have lost the opportunity for a relationship with you for confessing that.

 

 

He's also been open about his father's past, knowing that could also cause the OP to run the other way.

 

 

I think the responses here are complete and total BS.

[Zahara]

I realized he changed due to his relationship with his mom & his feelings towards his dad. His mom & him have a significantly close relationship & when he talks about his dad or past, there is that sense of guilt he has which it seems like he would never want to go through again.

 

Don't base his relationship with his parents as your measuring stick for change. I dated a man that frowned upon his brother who was a cheater. Spoke ill about his mother (cheater) but had a great relationship with his father. We were together for awhile so I had the opportunity to see him and his mom get closer and mend as he finally forgave her. All the while thinking he was upstanding, he was actually cheating behind my back. I'm not saying your boyfriend is cheating but you're gauging past behavior as a very strong sign of future behavior on a flimsy measuring stick.

 

Just keep your antenna up. Cheaters, and he's done it more than once are liars. They don't just switch and do a 180 and become people with a moral compass. Now you know what to look out for seeing that he's perusing other women so just be aware.

 

LOL, yeah I know. But honestly I just want to alleviate his stress that he encounters with Full Time work & FUll Time school. I want home to be a place where he doesn't have to deal with stress, so that's why I do all the little things. When I say "help" with homework, I don't mean do his homework by the way. How can I be less of a mother then? In terms of being a helpful girlfriend, wouldn't little things I do for him contribute?

 

You're not his wife or mother. He's a 26 year old man that needs to learn how to bear life's difficulties and responsibilities. You're enabling laziness. Even with you doing all these things, he's still snappy and grouchy. Helpful girlfriend -- when you're running an errand for yourself, check if he needs something picked up. If you're going to feed yourself, cook a meal for the both of you then. Otherwise, chores need to be shared. None of this cleaning his room, packing his lunch, doing his laundry...I bet you bear most of the chores in the home without him contributing much other than his grumpiness.

[Dis]

This doesnt sound good hun...no one can be sure but a few things bother me....

 

-Another woman gave him a phone??? You dont think that was because she wanted a way to contact him so giving him a phone was the perfect way to do that???

 

-10 women....10...popped up in his fb search..not one or two....10

 

-He was defensive before when you questioned him...thats always a red flag...honest men who dont cheat have no reason to get defensive

 

-He's cheated on his previous gfs...I dont always assume a cheater never changes but considering his shady behavior and his age...he's probably still at it

 

I'll share alittle about my ex of 2 and a half years...after I broke up with him I starting putting the pieces togther...obvious signs that he was cheating were right in front of my face but I failed to see them...I still dont know why

 

-When I went onto the fb login page on my laptop (which he used) all of the emails that were ever used to log into fb pop up...he had 5 different emails that he used to sign into fb...which means he had 5 different fb accounts...I only knew of one. It always meant he had 5 different email adresses...I only knew of one

 

-For some weird reason one of his email adresses popped up on my phone (It was one of his secret email adresses, I didnt know about it)...it had something to do with google plus connecting with my phone...still dont know how it worked...I had no idea whos email it was so I clicked on it and saw emails from BBW dating websites (I'm not overweight so that still baffles me)...I was really confused by that so I showed him and he grabbed the phone away from me...got really pissed and deleted everything

 

-He was always super secretive with his phone...to the point that if I walked up from behind him while he was on it he'd loose his s***t

 

These were only a few of the pieces...there were more.

 

The reason I'm telling you this is because its obvious when a man is cheating...but perhaps because of our love for them...we cant see whats right in front of our noses.

 

Be objective hun...I'm not saying he 100% is but....keep an eye out....and again be objective

[Omei]

I've met a few guys who claim they don't have any social media or barely use it, when in fact theyre using it as an outlet.

 

Who knows there isn't enough evidence against your boyfriend but given his past its possible.

 

Its hard to have a relationship worrying if he's gonna repeat the past I don't blame you at least your not blind in thinking your the special one I think considering the possibly is normal.

[Ellejay]

May I remind everyone here that there is absolutely no evidence of cheating here except FB searches.

 

 

I've looked up all kinds of people on FB, including past GF but it was strictly out of curiosity. That is a far cry from cheating.

 

 

And about honesty, he did admit to you he cheated two times before. That took some courage because he could have lost the opportunity for a relationship with you for confessing that.

 

 

He's also been open about his father's past, knowing that could also cause the OP to run the other way.

 

 

I think the responses here are complete and total BS.

 

Like what you've said, I think it's my own insecurities about his past, honestly. It just doesn't help due to the current situations that make me question his loyalty. I'm sure if I were to date someone else with a different past, I wouldn't draw this conclusion right now. I have only been with one other guy & one sexual partner, so I guess I'm a little bit insecure with his past...

 

In regards to you checking up on your ex GF, it had nothing to deal with you wanting to get back with them right? I guess my concern is that he has searched 10 other beautiful women. No men just strictly women. It makes me think he misses those one night stands days, you know? I have never had a one night stand, so I wouldn't know lol.

 

If I do catch him in the act of cheating, I have no problem in leaving him. I'm just conflicted if this is something to be worried about is all. I am opening to hearing his side, as there are always different sides to a story; just not black & white. As to why I am not quick to end this relationship with him, UNLESS I do catch him in the act.

 

Thank you.

[Ellejay]

Don't base his relationship with his parents as your measuring stick for change. I dated a man that frowned upon his brother who was a cheater. Spoke ill about his mother (cheater) but had a great relationship with his father. We were together for awhile so I had the opportunity to see him and his mom get closer and mend as he finally forgave her. All the while thinking he was upstanding, he was actually cheating behind my back. I'm not saying your boyfriend is cheating but you're gauging past behavior as a very strong sign of future behavior on a flimsy measuring stick.

 

Just keep your antenna up. Cheaters, and he's done it more than once are liars. They don't just switch and do a 180 and become people with a moral compass. Now you know what to look out for seeing that he's perusing other women so just be aware.

 

 

 

You're not his wife or mother. He's a 26 year old man that needs to learn how to bear life's difficulties and responsibilities. You're enabling laziness. Even with you doing all these things, he's still snappy and grouchy. Helpful girlfriend -- when you're running an errand for yourself, check if he needs something picked up. If you're going to feed yourself, cook a meal for the both of you then. Otherwise, chores need to be shared. None of this cleaning his room, packing his lunch, doing his laundry...I bet you bear most of the chores in the home without him contributing much other than his grumpiness.

 

Wow, that's remarkable. I would assume since they are aware of the repercussions & perceive the cheaters negatively, it would steer them away from those actions. Thank you for sharing your experience & I'm glad you got out of that relationship. You seem like a strong woman!

 

Hahah, I guess it derives from my cousin's wife who lives with us & is completely lazy. My cousin would complain to me how she does not work or cook or clean & it caused him to cheat... I guess subconsciously I do things to avoid that, without even knowing it may cause him to cheat too lol!

[Dis]

Like what you've said, I think it's my own insecurities about his past, honestly. It just doesn't help due to the current situations that make me question his loyalty. I'm sure if I were to date someone else with a different past, I wouldn't draw this conclusion right now. I have only been with one other guy & one sexual partner, so I guess I'm a little bit insecure with his past...

 

In regards to you checking up on your ex GF, it had nothing to deal with you wanting to get back with them right? I guess my concern is that he has searched 10 other beautiful women. No men just strictly women. It makes me think he misses those one night stands days, you know? I have never had a one night stand, so I wouldn't know lol.

 

If I do catch him in the act of cheating, I have no problem in leaving him. I'm just conflicted if this is something to be worried about is all. I am opening to hearing his side, as there are always different sides to a story; just not black & white. As to why I am not quick to end this relationship with him, UNLESS I do catch him in the act.

 

Thank you.

 

Hun, very few woman are afforded the opportunity to catch their man in the act of cheating....that rarely happens...most men are too smart for that

 

If you chose to ignore all the warning signs and wait for imperical proof (that you're never going to get) you're allowing him to drag you through the mud

 

Have respect for yourself hun!

 

My friend has a husband who cheats on her left and right..he's also very abusive and she hasnt left....never will. She see's pictures...in his phone.... of naked women doing god knows what to their ....you know what....and she says "I dont know for sure that he's cheating so unless I catch him in the act Im not leaving"

 

Really???? Really????

 

Sometimes the only proof we need is the proof we already have....and most of the time we're not going to get more than that

[Zahara]

Hahah, I guess it derives from my cousin's wife who lives with us & is completely lazy. My cousin would complain to me how she does not work or cook or clean & it caused him to cheat... I guess subconsciously I do things to avoid that, without even knowing it may cause him to cheat too lol!

 

When someone wants to cheat, they'll cheat regardless of who, what, when or how.

[Ellejay]

Hun, very few woman are afforded the opportunity to catch their man in the act of cheating....that rarely happens...most men are too smart for that

 

If you chose to ignore all the warning signs and wait for imperical proof (that you're never going to get) you're allowing him to drag you through the mud

 

Have respect for yourself hun!

 

My friend has a husband who cheats on her left and right..he's also very abusive and she hasnt left....never will. She see's pictures...in his phone.... of naked women doing god knows what to their ....you know what....and she says "I dont know for sure that he's cheating so unless I catch him in the act Im not leaving"

 

Really???? Really????

 

Sometimes the only proof we need is the proof we already have....and most of the time we're not going to get more than that

 

So are you telling me to break up with him?

 

See, the pictures are her evidence. Whereas with me, I have no evidence. 10 women he searches on Facebook, thats questionable... But I have not seen him have any messages with them. (I checked after lol I know) His phone he does not even use. It's collecting dust lol. We are always together unless we work.

 

In her situation, she has her proof! I don't have any. I thought this facebook thing is proof, but it's not valid. According to bachdude, it could be curiosity. Thats what I mean by that. I didn't see any friend requests on these women or messages or anything else. Just that.

 

In my defense, I don't want to assume he is downright cheating because of these searches. There are two sides to a story, & like what bachdude said, it could be sheer curiosity. Although I don't agree that he has to search 10 other girls lol! But it doesn't seem valid enough to leave him. That's absurd. He has never gave me the inclination that he is cheating on me until recently, but I could be wrongly accusing him.

 

He doesn't abuse me, & the only thing that is an issue is this. All relationships have their problems right? I feel like it would be absurd to deem it without having all the information. I have accused him of something else one time (not anything pertaining to cheating) because of my gut feeling, only to be wrong. That's why I'm being open. If I saw a nude pics though, OOOH that's a different story. There's no room for him to justify, nooope.

[katiegrl]

I want home to be a place where he doesn't have to deal with stress, so that's why I do all the little things. How can I be less of a mother then? In terms of being a helpful girlfriend, wouldn't little things I do for him contribute?

 

This is gonna sound a bit crude (coming from me), but if you want to be a great girlfriend.... be fun, playful, make him laugh, be great in bed and give awesome BJs.

 

If he can come home to that every night, trust me he will be one happy camper!

 

Much more so than your acting like his mother.... or worse, maid.

 

He may even cook for you!

Edited July 27, 2016 by katiegrl

[Ellejay]

This is gonna sound a bit crude (coming from me), but if you want to be a great girlfriend.... be fun, playful, make him laugh, be great in bed and give awesome BJs.

 

If he can come home to that every night, trust me he will be one happy camper!

 

Much more so than your acting like his mother.... or worse, maid.

 

He may even cook for you!

 

Hahahaha, no I'm glad you're being honest. He has said that he has loved getting BJ's from me. Actually we still have sex everyday & of course with foreplay comes along some head(; . We've even experimented here & there to keep out repetition. He has cooked for me before & we do cook with each other. It's just with finals coming along, he hasn't had much time making his lunch. I get free food at work so I don't have to deal with making my own so I thought for the meantime, I put in more work in chores to help him out. It's not going to be forever though, but if it really is an issue, I'll stop lol.