No_Go Posted July 28, 2016 Posted July 28, 2016 Because he likes her other qualities, just like OP's BF. In the given example, 30 lbs would have changed how she looks drastically unless she's 6'5 tall. He can be attracted to thinner or chubbier body type, but not to both simultaneously. The reason that he's attracted to both versions of her is that he likes her other qualities, call it inner beauty if you want. My friend gained 30 pounds.' She went from being thin to chubby. Her boyfriend was ALWAYS wildly attracted to her.
Author FaithInTheDark Posted July 28, 2016 Author Posted July 28, 2016 I appreciate all the responses.. It's help gain perspective... What's stood out for me is A-i need to loose weight for MYSELF... it's been an issues in the back of my mind for years... B- it is a wonderful thing to have a man that loves me for the person I am... But (should I be grateful for having someone that loves me even if in overweight? ) c.... I feel like knowing this guy isn't head over heels with my looks really damaged how I look in the mirror. I think I deserve someone that is thrilled with how I look because inner and outter beauty is a complete package ....but yes I could be a way better version of myself Yesterday I read all the comments and could not help but still feel super hurt about this. I can't mop and feel sad... I have to get up and work for a hot body that I always wanted before I met him. The damage is still there.... But he really does love me I know that. There's alot of positive aspects to this and alot of negative... It's going to take alot of work yo build back the confidence I once had.... I used to be one of the most confident people I knew until I heard this from my boy friend. I am very sensitive person.. Always have been.
Author FaithInTheDark Posted July 28, 2016 Author Posted July 28, 2016 Again he isn't a bad guy for being honest and I appreciate having a guy that gets my quality as a person... That doesn't happen often But I want him to think in a sexy woman... That's critical... But yes... I can't dump my baggage and expect him to make me feel better.. I have to make myself happy.. It's not his responsabily but I do expect to feel beautiful around my bf
Gaeta Posted July 28, 2016 Posted July 28, 2016 You don't need to be hot. You need to feel good and you need to be in a healthy bracket. If you try to fit into some celebrities shoes you will fail. Only 10% of population are born with the genetics to look like the hot celebrities. Remain grounded in what you want. Good luck 1
sandylee1 Posted July 28, 2016 Posted July 28, 2016 I then directly asked him if he would be more inclined to have sex more often if I was a thinner person.* He's said it might be a possibility This is what would worry me.^^^^^^ I'm not thin, but every boyfriend I've ever had and my husband have always wanted lots of sex, regardless of my size.
Dis Posted July 28, 2016 Posted July 28, 2016 I think there maybe more issues here than just whether or not the bf finds the OP attractive or not. From a previous thread. Thank you Elaine! I made the same point before. I think some posters may not be aware that the OP has created 7 different threads about problems she's had with this 1 guy. OP, its clearly not working between you two. If you need to make 7 different threads allllll about problems your having with 1 guy...you need to be realistic and end it. Instead you're posting on here...trying to justify the incompatibilities between you and your bf...searching for other poster's opinions that sugar coat the reality of your relationship. You're spending your time creating thread after thread....complaining and complaining when you should just be proactive and end the relationship. There are many many different issues between you and your bf...this new issue is just the tip of the iceburg. I'm annoyed just reading your threads hun. What do you want us to do for you? Lie to you and tell you that you and your bf are perfectly compatible.....ignore your previous 6 threads and tell you everything is fine in your relationship??? Time to stop whinning and get out hun....its getting old 1
Author FaithInTheDark Posted July 28, 2016 Author Posted July 28, 2016 Thank you Elaine! I made the same point before. I think some posters may not be aware that the OP has created 7 different threads about problems she's had with this 1 guy. OP, its clearly not working between you two. If you need to make 7 different threads allllll about problems your having with 1 guy...you need to be realistic and end it. Instead you're posting on here...trying to justify the incompatibilities between you and your bf...searching for other poster's opinions that sugar coat the reality of your relationship. You're spending your time creating thread after thread....complaining and complaining when you should just be proactive and end the relationship. There are many many different issues between you and your bf...this new issue is just the tip of the iceburg. I'm annoyed just reading your threads hun. What do you want us to do for you? Lie to you and tell you that you and your bf are perfectly compatible.....ignore your previous 6 threads and tell you everything is fine in your relationship??? Time to stop whinning and get out hun....its getting old If you're so annoyed fromr reading it and then throw shade at me. I'm not looking for sugar coating, I'm using this site for the purpose of sharing relationship situations and getting advice... I can post whatever I want and if you interpret it as whining that's your choice. People post threads and other people relate and share thoughts.. Isn't that the idea I find this site really helpful ... Lol like I would seek out complete strangers to lie to me so I think. I'm compatible... Get real... Maybe my bf and I have alot of problems I get it but don't feel the need to judge me and shame me for using this site 1
Dis Posted July 28, 2016 Posted July 28, 2016 If you're so annoyed fromr reading it and then throw shade at me. I'm not looking for sugar coating, I'm using this site for the purpose of sharing relationship situations and getting advice... I can post whatever I want and if you interpret it as whining that's your choice. People post threads and other people relate and share thoughts.. Isn't that the idea I find this site really helpful ... Lol like I would seek out complete strangers to lie to me so I think. I'm compatible... Get real... Maybe my bf and I have alot of problems I get it but don't feel the need to judge me and shame me for using this site I'm judging you for staying in a relationship thats not working And for coming here to complain over and over instead of being proactive and ending the relationship Maybe you should start a thread titled, "Need help to work on myself and my self esteem" Instead of settling by staying with a guy who wont have sex with you and doesnt find you physically attractive I'm not throwing shade...I'm telling you the truth 1
Author FaithInTheDark Posted July 28, 2016 Author Posted July 28, 2016 I'm actually finding some humour in the fact you think you actually know who I am. Good day
SunnySide0418 Posted July 28, 2016 Posted July 28, 2016 I just read your other posts too. This relationship is a joke from the very beginning. I think you're totally settling. That he's not that attracted to you is the last of your problems. You should be with someone who can't get enough of you.. Boys His behavior is not meeting your needs. 1
Leigh 87 Posted July 28, 2016 Posted July 28, 2016 IDK... He IS attracted to you - obviously, because he is your BF, otherwise he would have left. Do you need a verbal confirmation from him that you're wildly attractive to boost your confidence? He reacted like a typical guy - told you the truth. He is attracted to you physically but is more attracted to your other qualities. I'd actually be happy if my BF tells me this. I don't want to be considered an arm candy but a wholesome human being with a range of qualities. Well some women like my friend and I, have bfs who not only admire and respect our inner beauty, and we truly click with, but are also smitten with our looks. Women can get both. It doesn't have to be one or the other. I promise...I am an average sized woman. I am not thin or very pretty. I am average with a cute face and yet I manage to find men who are head over heels with my looks and personality.
Shining One Posted July 28, 2016 Posted July 28, 2016 what IS there to be confident about when your own boyfriend admits to not being head over heeks about you?Wouldn't a truly confident person not need any external validation whatsoever? 1
Leigh 87 Posted July 28, 2016 Posted July 28, 2016 The Op has said in her other threads that she has known this guy for years... and he never wanted to commit to her up until recently. This makes sense now... he admitted to bot being head over heels about her looks. Then he took YEARS to even fgure out that he wanted to date her. So he obviously never fell for her. She was just around, was a nice person,, and the women he fell hard for snd felt real chemistry and magnatism towards left him. He figured that he couldnt necessarily get the woman he was truly into. There is a STRONG correlation between men who are not head over jeels about their partners looks, and men who are just not head overheels about their partner at all. Men who feel this way tend to skip the butterflies and infatuatioj stage. They never fall hard. Tbey do not go through that stage where every text or call-- they get a racing heart hoping it is their new love. I believe relationships need both stages; the heady falling in love stage where both parties fall hard. And then they grow to truly love one another after the in love stage precedes it. The Op and her bf skipped the in love part. Now, posters like No Go abd Gaeta have stated that they prefer to skip the infatation stage and they prefer to grow to love someone rather than getting to exoerience the giddy stage along the way. On the other hand, my friend, and many posters here have stated that they need the sizzling chemistry where their men are wildly attracted to them. I need tis stage too, on the way to true love of course. Most women can get a guy who falls for their looks and inner beauty. I am not thin nor pretty. Yet I met aguy who fell hard fkr my looks ss well as my inner qualities. The thing about me is- I have confidence. I know that I am gorgeous to SOME men, and that SOME men are gunna fall all over themselves for me-- despite my looks not being hot ir beautiful to the vast majority of men.
Leigh 87 Posted July 28, 2016 Posted July 28, 2016 I dated men like the OPS guy. For 2.5 years. He ended up leaving me. Bis next gf was beautiful. He later aditted that he and I ckicked better and made each other laugh more, but that he was wildy attracted to her snd he would rather have that than a funnier girlfriend. It always did bother me how he wouldnt be all over me. He never felt that " he couldnt get enough of me".
Leigh 87 Posted July 28, 2016 Posted July 28, 2016 Wouldn't a truly confident person not need any external validation whatsoever? Some people need a guy who is enamoured snd smitte with their looks. I know plenty of confident women who need this.
CryForNoOne Posted July 28, 2016 Posted July 28, 2016 Some people need a guy who is enamoured snd smitte with their looks. I know plenty of confident women who need this. You can be confident and insecure at the same time. I know from personal experience ;-)
No_Go Posted July 28, 2016 Posted July 28, 2016 My logic was AND not OR. Her BF IS attracted to her looks as well. Just MORE to her inner beauty (which constitutes for more than one quality, so the compliment is stronger) I like my looks so I don't care if my BF or anybody else validates me in that respect. Either way I'm confident in my body so I don't need to hear it from another person OP needs to strengthen her confidence, and she'll instantly feel more attractive independently of her BF. Well some women like my friend and I, have bfs who not only admire and respect our inner beauty, and we truly click with, but are also smitten with our looks. Women can get both. It doesn't have to be one or the other. I promise...I am an average sized woman. I am not thin or very pretty. I am average with a cute face and yet I manage to find men who are head over heels with my looks and personality. 2
OnlyHonesty Posted July 28, 2016 Posted July 28, 2016 Men aren't nearly as complicated as women. If he gets an erection and initiates sex with you, he's attracted to you. Whether it's for inner beauty or outer beauty is irrelevant. Women are not complicated at all.
No_Go Posted July 28, 2016 Posted July 28, 2016 Well my first love chose objectively less attractive woman than me, 10 years older than me etc. Go figure out men. I dated men like the OPS guy. For 2.5 years. He ended up leaving me. Bis next gf was beautiful. He later aditted that he and I ckicked better and made each other laugh more, but that he was wildy attracted to her snd he would rather have that than a funnier girlfriend. It always did bother me how he wouldnt be all over me. He never felt that " he couldnt get enough of me".
No_Go Posted July 28, 2016 Posted July 28, 2016 Leigh you are pretty and have a great body, but you're terribly insecure. Infatuation is your preference which is ok. But have you ever asked yourself why men go gaga towards a not so pretty woman or stay indifferent towards real beauties (think Adriana Lima's husband cheated on her! With a next door girl) Think about it, you may get some insights The Op has said in her other threads that she has known this guy for years... and he never wanted to commit to her up until recently. This makes sense now... he admitted to bot being head over heels about her looks. Then he took YEARS to even fgure out that he wanted to date her. So he obviously never fell for her. She was just around, was a nice person,, and the women he fell hard for snd felt real chemistry and magnatism towards left him. He figured that he couldnt necessarily get the woman he was truly into. There is a STRONG correlation between men who are not head over jeels about their partners looks, and men who are just not head overheels about their partner at all. Men who feel this way tend to skip the butterflies and infatuatioj stage. They never fall hard. Tbey do not go through that stage where every text or call-- they get a racing heart hoping it is their new love. I believe relationships need both stages; the heady falling in love stage where both parties fall hard. And then they grow to truly love one another after the in love stage precedes it. The Op and her bf skipped the in love part. Now, posters like No Go abd Gaeta have stated that they prefer to skip the infatation stage and they prefer to grow to love someone rather than getting to exoerience the giddy stage along the way. On the other hand, my friend, and many posters here have stated that they need the sizzling chemistry where their men are wildly attracted to them. I need tis stage too, on the way to true love of course. Most women can get a guy who falls for their looks and inner beauty. I am not thin nor pretty. Yet I met aguy who fell hard fkr my looks ss well as my inner qualities. The thing about me is- I have confidence. I know that I am gorgeous to SOME men, and that SOME men are gunna fall all over themselves for me-- despite my looks not being hot ir beautiful to the vast majority of men.
CryForNoOne Posted July 28, 2016 Posted July 28, 2016 This makes sense now... he admitted to bot being head over heels about her looks. Then he took YEARS to even fgure out that he wanted to date her. So he obviously never fell for her. She was just around, was a nice person,, and the women he fell hard for snd felt real chemistry and magnatism towards left him. He figured that he couldnt necessarily get the woman he was truly into. There is a STRONG correlation between men who are not head over jeels about their partners looks, and men who are just not head overheels about their partner at all. Men who feel this way tend to skip the butterflies and infatuatioj stage. They never fall hard. Tbey do not go through that stage where every text or call-- they get a racing heart hoping it is their new love. This is a recipe for disaster. I've seen this play out with way too many couples. The girlfriend eventually starts pressuring him to wed and/or have kids. If someone better doesn't come along, the guy eventually caves. This almost always ends in a sexless marriage until one side or the other gets the nerve to divorce, or worse have an affair. I hate to say it, but this is like 50+% of relationships in America. I don't know if it is as bad in other cultures but it's terrible here...
thecrucible Posted July 29, 2016 Posted July 29, 2016 I think that overall it's good to be honest (but tactful) with each other in a relationship rather than sounding insincere. Even though I am sensitive, I prefer this from a man in a relationship than him lying due to fear of my response to him. I don't think a man has to see me as the best looking woman in the world to be in love with me, but it would be nice to be thought of as beautiful as an overall package. I can see what he means. Whenever I have been in love, I see the whole person and their soul not just what they look like. I know that sounds really cheesy but it's true. I would still notice objectively attractive people but my heart would be with the man I was with. I would only fantasise about better looking men if I felt unappreciated in my relationship. The more intense attraction fades into a familiar comfort but I'd still enjoy this loving feeling as long as I felt that our romance was being nurtured. Over time you also appreciate shared experiences and the 'friendship' side of the romance more. It doesn't mean that the passion is totally dead, it's just an evolution of the relationship. You partner can be the person that just 'gets' you. I think a good man who loves you won't tell you to lose weight. It was good of your bf to suggest getting active together. He sounds compassionate and understanding about the fact that life sometimes gets in the way of looking your very best. If you have an interest in looking good it boosts your mood and makes you feel attractive for your partner. I wouldn't totally let myself go but I wouldn't beat myself up if i wasn't in tip-top condition either. I like it when a man is also modest about his looks and not vain as he will likely cut me more slack. I also think men are less shallow than we give them credit for. Everyone appreciates beauty but imo especially as looks change, men appreciate more sides to sexuality than just looks - personal qualities they particularly value e.g. confidence and a zest for life.
thecrucible Posted July 29, 2016 Posted July 29, 2016 I'd like to add actually (having read more of the comments) that I also believe that having a partner who's sexually attracted to you is really important. Part of that is encompassed in my phrasing of 'romance being nurtured' from both sides. As I said, he doesn't have to find me the most beautiful woman he has ever seen but I would like to feel that we both turn each other on. In my experience, it's horrible when it's one sided for that person's self-esteem. I've definitely experienced the difference between a man who's not as attracted to me having sex with me and a man who has the hots for me. You can tell the difference when you know. Obviously sex is not the be all end all but it is part of bonding. If you feel a lack of interest in sex from your partner then it hurts your self-esteem. I'm not sure if this is just a 'crucible' thing or a woman thing but if I have hots for him initially, it'll still be there if he gains a little weight further down the line. To me chemistry is not directly related to looks.
ashy555 Posted July 29, 2016 Posted July 29, 2016 and LOL - what IS there to be confident about when your own boyfriend admits to not being head over heeks about you? I am confident - in fact, I KNOW there are many men who admire my looks, and I am confident enough to wear what I want and feel attractive, while at the same time knowing I am not actually conventionally or objectively gorgeous or even good looking necessarily! If my own bf wasnt head over heels for my looks and everything - the whole package - I would feel like crap. And I did in my past relationships, where the guy was not head over heels for me:sick: uhhhh I know she feels like crap.. HENCE why I am trying to help make her feel better.. Not pull her down and make her feel worse than she already is Of course there are plenty of relationships with attraction to looks and personality. I said it would be hard to have a lasting relationship on JUST looks. Ya get me?? What did you want me to say? Dump him?
Els Posted July 29, 2016 Posted July 29, 2016 Sorry if you answered and I missed it, but I'll repeat my question: What problems are you having in the bedroom? Is that not what prompted all this? 4
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