Ab3GG Posted July 27, 2016 Posted July 27, 2016 About 3 and a half years ago my BF bought a hunting camp that is about 5 hours away from our home. At the time he was thinking about buying it I told him that it is his decision but to keep in mind I hate long drives and I am not the camping type so he should not expect me to be going along with him very often. Of course he went ahead and bought it anyway, it is very rustic, no electric, no phone, no neighbours and only a very small town about 15 minutes away with only one restaurant and not a whole lot else. If you like seclusion and rest this is the place to be, however it is not for me. For the past three years I have made one trip per year to the camp with him, I cannot say that I really enjoyed anything about it other than spending time together but I did not complain at all any of the times I was there. My issue is that even though I told him not to expect me to go along every time he goes he expects me to go with and when I don't he tells me I am not fun and that he should find a girlfriend that enjoys doing the things he enjoys. Honestly I am really sick of hearing it and have told him many times if that is the way he feels he should break up with me and find someone else. Generally we get along very well and other than the camp we have a lot in common and complement each other well. We have been together for over 10 years. Am I wrong to not go along more often? I have interests that he does not share, if I ask him to do something with me and he says no that is the end of the discussion, I don't ask again or try to make him feel guilty for saying no even though a lot of the times I would like for him to come along. The other problem is that he cannot say no when someone asks us to do something, even if it is something we don't really want to do. This weekend we are going away with a group of people, the entire thing got screwed up and what we are actually doing is not at all what we originally intended to do, when I suggested not going he got mad and said I never want to do anything and I am no fun. I feel like it is okay to say no when someone asks you to do something you don't want to do, even if you don't have an excuse other than you just don't want to do it. He has a real problem with this, I guess he feels people will get mad or something. I'm not sure. So please share your thoughts, I really don't think I am awful but I would like to hear some objective opinions. Thanks.
serial muse Posted July 27, 2016 Posted July 27, 2016 (edited) About 3 and a half years ago my BF bought a hunting camp that is about 5 hours away from our home. At the time he was thinking about buying it I told him that it is his decision but to keep in mind I hate long drives and I am not the camping type so he should not expect me to be going along with him very often. Of course he went ahead and bought it anyway, it is very rustic, no electric, no phone, no neighbours and only a very small town about 15 minutes away with only one restaurant and not a whole lot else. If you like seclusion and rest this is the place to be, however it is not for me. For the past three years I have made one trip per year to the camp with him, I cannot say that I really enjoyed anything about it other than spending time together but I did not complain at all any of the times I was there. My issue is that even though I told him not to expect me to go along every time he goes he expects me to go with and when I don't he tells me I am not fun and that he should find a girlfriend that enjoys doing the things he enjoys. Honestly I am really sick of hearing it and have told him many times if that is the way he feels he should break up with me and find someone else. Generally we get along very well and other than the camp we have a lot in common and complement each other well. We have been together for over 10 years. Am I wrong to not go along more often? I have interests that he does not share, if I ask him to do something with me and he says no that is the end of the discussion, I don't ask again or try to make him feel guilty for saying no even though a lot of the times I would like for him to come along. The other problem is that he cannot say no when someone asks us to do something, even if it is something we don't really want to do. This weekend we are going away with a group of people, the entire thing got screwed up and what we are actually doing is not at all what we originally intended to do, when I suggested not going he got mad and said I never want to do anything and I am no fun. I feel like it is okay to say no when someone asks you to do something you don't want to do, even if you don't have an excuse other than you just don't want to do it. He has a real problem with this, I guess he feels people will get mad or something. I'm not sure. So please share your thoughts, I really don't think I am awful but I would like to hear some objective opinions. Thanks. Of course you are not awful! To me it sounds like there's some undercurrent beneath all this. He knew at the outset that you weren't interested in camping much, but he probably hoped you'd just go along with it, as he is apparently the sort of person who does just that (except that, oddly, he doesn't accompany you on your preferred outings -- is that because he genuinely isn't interested, because you don't ask, or because he's punishing you for not joining him at the cabin??). I can understand that he's disappointed that you're not more excited about something he's excited about -- but taking potshots at you ("you're no fun" is a crappy thing to say) and threatening breakups (even crappier) is childish and passive-aggressive on his part. Obviously he's stewing because you two aren't on the same page about something that matters to him. But this doesn't mean you're at fault - you just have a different perspective on what together time is all about. You guys have been together a long time, so I'm hesitating to say "not compatible" but I think those snide comments of his are not only hurtful but pretty destructive. I think you guys need to have an honest conversation about why this is happening, and "you don't go camping with me often enough" or "you're no fun" are NOT answers to this question. Perhaps couples therapy could get you to a place where you get past his resentment and into some more opening-up, honest territory? Edited July 27, 2016 by serial muse
amaysngrace Posted July 27, 2016 Posted July 27, 2016 Maybe ask him to sell the camp and buy an RV. The scenery changes and he still gets to camp.
GunslingerRoland Posted July 27, 2016 Posted July 27, 2016 I don't know what to think about your relationship, after around 7 years together he's making major purchases without you. He has a hobby that he spends most of his summer doing that you don't partake in. And no I don't blame you, I like camping, but spending 10 hours every weekend driving to the middle of nowhere, just doesn't sound that great to me either.
normal person Posted July 27, 2016 Posted July 27, 2016 You sound totally reasonable. If you told him you'd go once in a while and you do without complaining, great. But he won't make any compromises for you. My issue is that even though I told him not to expect me to go along every time he goes he expects me to go with and when I don't he tells me I am not fun and that he should find a girlfriend that enjoys doing the things he enjoys. Honestly I am really sick of hearing it and have told him many times if that is the way he feels he should break up with me and find someone else. He honestly should, I think. You'd both be better off. I'd break up with him.
CarrieT Posted July 27, 2016 Posted July 27, 2016 Why don't you break up with him? What has this relationship going for it that is good for YOU? Are there any of your hobbies or interests that you two share?
NTV Posted July 27, 2016 Posted July 27, 2016 If it's a big enough deal... why's he gotta be the one to break it off? Why aren't you able to do that?
Mr. Lucky Posted July 27, 2016 Posted July 27, 2016 My issue is that even though I told him not to expect me to go along every time he goes he expects me to go with and when I don't he tells me I am not fun and that he should find a girlfriend that enjoys doing the things he enjoys. Do you have issues you've expressed to him over the amount of time and/or money he invests in the camp? In your mind, does he go too often? Mr. Lucky
pteromom Posted July 27, 2016 Posted July 27, 2016 He doesn't need to talk YOU into going or expect you to be a dude. He needs to find some DUDE friends who enjoy hunting to go with! Then he and his dude-friends can go off killing animals and sleeping in the cold while you and your girly-friends go shopping and have mani-pedis. I mean, if you expected him to go get mani-pedis with you and he said he didn't like doing that, would it be fair to call him "no fun"? You are a WOMAN. You don't want to do dude things. Has nothing to do with how fun you are as a person. (shaking head)
Author Ab3GG Posted July 28, 2016 Author Posted July 28, 2016 I do not have any issues with him going to the camp or the amount of money he spends on it. I have my own money and we do not have any joint accounts or expenses so we are each free to spend as we see fit. I have never once had a problem with him going to the camp, in fact I look forward to him going sometimes as it give me time to catch up on things at home without having him in my way.
CarrieT Posted July 28, 2016 Posted July 28, 2016 So I will ask again... What has this relationship going for it that is good for YOU? Are there any of your hobbies or interests that you two share? I'm curious why - after 3 1/2 years - you are both happy with such separate lives (i.e. bank accounts, vacation homes, etc...)
Mr. Lucky Posted July 28, 2016 Posted July 28, 2016 I have never once had a problem with him going to the camp, in fact I look forward to him going sometimes as it give me time to catch up on things at home without having him in my way. That rings a bell . I play a lot of competitive tennis, including some travel leagues and tournaments out of town. And there are times in the offseason when I'm helping my wife around the house, she'll say "don't you have a match to play somewhere"? I can take a hint... Mr. Lucky
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