My ex's boyfriend is cheating on her

[hoellein]

I have two kids with my ex. We broke up 6 years ago and we have a good relationship with each other now. I left her for another woman, who I married and have been married to for 5 years.

 

My ex has always been insecure and self-conscious. She gets hurt easily and is very emotional. She's a really sweet person, she was a good partner and she's a great mother. She's just too motherly. She's willing to do anything for anyone, to the point of being a doormat. By the end of our relationship she felt like my mother rather than my fiance. She has never been the super sexy/sexual woman. She's attractive in the cute/pretty way, but she's not the kind of women you spot and think how sexy she is and want to hook up with or have great sex with. She was the right person to mother my children, not the right person to be with. She makes a very high salary so that attracts men I think.

 

Before we met she had two long term teenage relationships, both cheated. Then I met my (now) wife and left my ex to be with her. Yes, I was a POS.

 

After we broke up she was in a serious relationship for a couple years, he cheated and the relationship ended. Saying she was a mess is an understatement. My kids ended up staying with me more, for a while.

 

She's been seeing a man for maybe a year that a close friend of mine knows well. That friend told me the man she's seeing is for sure sleeping with other women. My friend has been there when he picks up other women an talks about women he sleeps with. I've met him, he seemed like a fine guy.

 

Do I tell her? On one hand, it's NONE of my business. The day I said "I don't" instead of "I do" I lost the right to be involved in her romantic life. We're close on a co-parenting level and friendly, but we don't talk about much other than our kids. We use to talk more, but she kept hoping we'd get back together and I had to step back.

 

But on the other hand, she is the mother of my children. I care about her and don't want her getting hurt. I've seen what is does to her. Not to mention STDs or HIV that could take her from my kids. That's a man that is around my children and a man they could get attached to. First and foremost, I don't want my kids getting hurt. Either way, they could get hurt. I want to protect them. My kids have said he's around a lot lately and stays at night. Which to me, means it's getting serious.

 

My wife's opinion is to tell her, with proof. And that she shouldn't date anymore. They have never liked each other, they get along but only for the kids. Honestly, I want my ex to be happy and find a good man. I want to stop feeling like she's waiting for my to leave my wife and go back to her. And I want to stop feeling like sh*t for walking out in the first place.

Edited July 27, 2016 by hoellein

[NTV]

Two different things:

 

 

1) it's her business. she could already know. given her history with guys she mighta even given up on finding one that is faithful.

 

 

It'd almost be understandable if she did.

 

 

2) do you really wanna stop feeling like crap for doing something horrible? I'd think without that feeling, then you'd risk doing it again.

[hoellein]

Two different things:

 

1) it's her business. she could already know. given her history with guys she mighta even given up on finding one that is faithful.

 

It'd almost be understandable if she did.

 

2) do you really wanna stop feeling like crap for doing something horrible? I'd think without that feeling, then you'd risk doing it again.

 

I've considered that, that she already knows. I don't want to bring it up if she already knows or would be embarrassed about me knowing.

 

My kids are going to get attached to this guy. I'd hope she that she doesn't know and isn't just staying with him anyway.

 

 

I see your point, if I didn't feel bad maybe I'd do it again. But I constantly feel like crap, especially when things are going wrong for her.

[dpass]

You're right. It's none of your business what she does in her love life. How do you think she'll feel if the man who left her (I'm guessing at the alter) is also the man to crush her world again. It's a huge slap in the face and like you'll never let her be happy. You say you want her to be happy, then just let her be. Telling her that yet another (what 5th?) "man" is cheating on her isn't going to make her happy.

 

If she is such a good mother than she will guard her children's hearts and protect them.

 

NTV could be right... She may very well know that he is cheating and has given up at this point. I can see how it would be very difficult to believe a man can be faithful when none have been, even the father of her children. If so, bringing it up is only going to rub it in her face.

 

And you know what. From what you wrote... she is the type of woman that you want to settle down with and marry. Sure, she might not be the sexiest thing on the planet that wants to jump your bones and do all sorts of crazy sh&t. But at the end of the day, when you are growing old. That is who you want by your side. Not the once super sexy lady who lost her only redeeming quality.

 

At most, and I mean at most, someone else lets her know. Preferably someone who has seen it first hand and it isn't a game of he said-she said. If your friend wants to let her know, then so be it. But it is not YOUR place.

[Mrlonelyone]

I have two kids with my ex. We broke up 6 years ago and we have a good relationship with each other now. I left her for another woman, who I married and have been married to for 5 years.

.....

 

My wife's opinion is to tell her, with proof. And that she shouldn't date anymore. They have never liked each other, they get along but only for the kids. Honestly, I want my ex to be happy and find a good man. I want to stop feeling like she's waiting for my to leave my wife and go back to her. And I want to stop feeling like sh*t for walking out in the first place.

 

What your wife said is the right thing to do. You have kids with this Ex. IF you have hard proof her current man is cheating you have a duty to report that.

 

Think of how it might be if she married this guy then she found out he was a cheater. What would that do to your kids.

 

Maybe make sure your wife is with you when you tell her about this.

[l8estnews]

She needs to know. But I think the news coming from you won't be good. You are that person who left her despite the good intentions etc. So, you bringing this news feels like double whammy for some reason.

 

I feel so bad for her. She seems like a pretty good and kind woman but the world is punishing her for that.

[NTV]

Yeah, if you do decide to tell her, is it possible to tell her anonymously?

[stillafool]

My goodness you've been broken up 6 years, you are now married and she's still hoping you'll come back? How sad. If you do tell her this guy is cheating she may think that you are just saying that because you are jealous therefore thinking you are still interested in her.

[JewelD]

You don't actually have proof. You have a friend telling you something which will mean even less to your ex coming from you.

 

Sounds like you want to tell her in the hopes that it will make you less of a jerk for what you did, alas, it will not. She's your ex, unless the man is harming your children, you need to stay out of it.

 

I mean come on, catch an STD that will take her away from your children? Chances are if he had anything, that ship has already sailed.

 

And your wife needs to stay even further out of it than you. Who is she to say this woman should not date anymore? Clearly she wants her to be unhappy. I wouldn't have even told her bc if they get into it in the future, that's the first thing your wife will blurt out to hurt her.

[Toodaloo]

Seems to me that your ex is making the same mistakes over and over and over and over again...

 

If you really want to help her I would get her some self help books that will encourage her and help her to have some gumption...

 

Because that is the only reason you married someone else who to me sounds as though she is jealous... a lack of gumption. Once she gets that a great guy will come along and snap her up. Until then she will do this over and over and over...

[NTV]

Really, to be honest man, you came here looking for advice. You identified one issue, but you also mentioned this underlying guilt you're facing.

 

 

I think the guilt is the bigger issue. Using your words 'constantly feeling like crap', really and truly isn't good for your children. You mentioned them as your connection to your ex, and your concern for her is an extension of your care for them and your guilt.

 

 

As an adult you have an obligation to yourself to deal appropriately with the things you face. If you're ill, you go to the hospital to seek treatment. If As a father you have an even greater responsibility to attempt to model appropriate behaviors. So if you know you're facing dealing with this psychological issue, dealing with it in the appropriate way (counseling, etc.) is something you should demonstrate for your children.

 

 

Not dealing with it can lead to negative side-effects. Even if you are able to mask the 'feeling like crap' around them, you probably aren't at 100% when you feel that way....

 

 

At least that's my opinion.

[anthonyflame]

I say tell her. Wait til you have undeniable proof

[Springsummer]

I am surprised how a doormat can make lots of money in today's world.

 

anyhow, I guess she must have never read the book 'why men love bitches'. It's written for nice/doormat girls.

[hoellein]

My friend went out with her boyfriend Saturday and sent my ex a snapchat of her boyfriend saying how sexy other women there were and making out with another woman. I guess she can do with that information whatever she wants. They were together for a year and I think they were going to move in together so I don't know what she will do about it. Telling her (well having a friend do it) is all I can do unless he actually hurts my children.

 

 

I am surprised how a doormat can make lots of money in today's world.

 

anyhow, I guess she must have never read the book 'why men love bitches'. It's written for nice/doormat girls.

 

She's not in a position were she has to be the strong, leader type. She works in the medical field in a very high demand position. High demand = high pay.

 

And you know what. From what you wrote... she is the type of woman that you want to settle down with and marry. Sure, she might not be the sexiest thing on the planet that wants to jump your bones and do all sorts of crazy sh&t. But at the end of the day, when you are growing old. That is who you want by your side. Not the once super sexy lady who lost her only redeeming quality.

 

You know what, when I first met my ex one of the first things I thought was "that's the girl I'm going to marry". I know she had heard before that she's "the girl you marry, not the girl you (take home from a party, date for fun, or something like that)."

 

That being said, my wife is a wonderful woman. She definitely has more good qualities than just her appearance. I'm not the kind of man to marry someone just because they are attractive. Being sexy doesn't mean **** if they are ugly on the inside, and we all know, looks fade.

 

Seems to me that your ex is making the same mistakes over and over and over and over again...

 

If you really want to help her I would get her some self help books that will encourage her and help her to have some gumption...

 

Because that is the only reason you married someone else who to me sounds as though she is jealous... a lack of gumption. Once she gets that a great guy will come along and snap her up. Until then she will do this over and over and over...

 

I don't think that would go over well... "Hey, here are the kids they had a great time. Oh, and also here are some self-help books so you will stop being such a doormat".

 

She does have to do something but that's not my place to interfere.

 

I mean come on, catch an STD that will take her away from your children? Chances are if he had anything, that ship has already sailed.

 

And your wife needs to stay even further out of it than you. Who is she to say this woman should not date anymore? Clearly she wants her to be unhappy. I wouldn't have even told her bc if they get into it in the future, that's the first thing your wife will blurt out to hurt her.

 

I meant HIV. Which he could transmit at any point, from a new partner.

 

My wife wants to win. In my mind, I married HER, that is "winning". She's jealous that my kids are with my ex and not her. She doesn't say it but I think she would be happier if my ex wilted away alone and miserable. That makes her sound horrible, but she's not. They aren't friends by any means, but they get along and can have conversations with each other. They text each other pictures of the kids, that kind of thing. But there is nothing between them beyond the kids.

 

My wife and I have a completely open book marriage and it has done us well. We share everything, if we feel like we need to hide something then we shouldn't be doing it or need to think about the situation more.

[minimariah]

She's jealous that my kids are with my ex and not her.

 

sooooo... let me get this straight. you have a wife... who is probably doing some serious parental alienation, doesn't understand that she isn't those children's MOTHER, doesn't respect their mother and wants to erase her from the children's lives, wants to WIN = feels insecure and full of doubt OR her understanding of life is on a level of a preK child...

 

and you think your X being cheated on is a problem...? THAT is what you decide to focus on...? THAT is your #1 problem...? that's like worrying about neighbour's grass not being green enough while your entire house is on fire.

 

help your WIFE first, find her a good therapist -- it is so painfully obvious that SHE is the one who needs it the most in this story + she represents the biggest threat to your children's health and development. THAT's who you should be focusing on... not a woman who's been out of your life for YEARS.

 

what kind of custody arrangement do you have anyway...? you mentioned that the kids are staying with you & your wife more... so i assume that YOU have the primary custody or at least joint physical custody...? but your wife is STILL troubled? after 6 years... she STILL can't handle the fact that you have children with another woman? how on Earth did you miss this GIGANTIC problem?

Edited August 1, 2016 by minimariah