Messed up, do I have a shot at a second chance?

[laker93]

Hi Everyone,

 

First I would just like to thank everyone that reads this to try and help me.

 

So basically I broke up with my girlfriend/fiancée about two months ago when I went to go see her, we were in a long distance relationship for just under 2 years. I'm 22, she was 30 and after she started to withdraw from the relationship when she saw me hit a bump in the road in my life for a couple of months where I had a lot going on in my life such as finishing university, starting a business and looking for work.

 

When I went to go see her I was not in the best of states either because it was just after university and I was still pretty stressed but worried if I didn't go I might lose her. Once I was there with her she broke up with me and said the reason she broke up with me was because she said she felt emotionally responsible for both of us and she basically thought I was not up to the job to take care of her emotionally.

 

I did not really handle things that well when I saw her because I will still in a pretty bad place, therefore she told me that because of that, she fell out of love. But she only told me her issues after breaking up and did not give me a chance to try and meet her needs, I admit I made mistakes but she never communicated her needs to me until we broke up.

 

She did not want to speak to me after so I decided not to contact her for a month, during that month I thought about where I went wrong and how I could improve myself, I actually agree with her now that I was not up to the job at the time but now I feel much better mentally (basically I feel like I'm ready). I tried going on a couple of dates but I wasn't interested in any of the girls I tried dating.

 

After that I initiated contact and she seemed responsive so we started talking light conversations and after a couple of weeks I asked if I could come see her as a friend and try and smooth things over. I thought the only way I'm going to win her back is if I can show her I've changed and can be there for her emotionally and try to re-attract her in person which I'm confident I could do, but she did not want to see me because she thought I was not over the relationship.

 

Technically she is only half true, I'm over the relationship but want to try and win her back because I really believe she is the one for me.

 

I've had advice from people saying I should just try and text her to get her re attracted, but I'm really not sure of what to do next to try and get a second chance. I feel like if I take things to slow I might lose her to someone else, and if I take things to fast I might push her further away.

 

Can anyone give me any advice on how I might be able to win her back or even if I have a chance? I do really love this women, as I thought we were going to get married. Thanks in advance

[ExpatInItaly]

She was pretty clear that she does not want you to come and see her.

 

Do you know if she is dating someone else?

[laker93]

She was pretty clear that she does not want you to come and see her.

 

Do you know if she is dating someone else?

 

Thanks for the reply and I'm fairly confident she is not actually dating other guys and shes defiantly not in a relationship. Weather shes in the initial stages of talking to other guys I've got no idea, probably as I guess shes got no reason not to.

 

I just dont know if there is anything I can do to try and at least re-attract her, I know without attraction there is nothing. I know I cant get her to get back with me and restart the old relationship as its like kicking a dead horse, but i dont know if there is any way to start fresh and leave the past behind to show her the new me.

[Giggles666]

My advice, do the no contact as moving on and not re-attracting her. Don't waste your time with her, it's over for now at least.

 

You're 22, you have many years ahead of you, do not waste them.

[leia1028]

I put something in the "Second Chance" section about me getting a second chance with my boyfriend, if you read it I hope it helps somehow. I did things that led to our breakup, and I knew that there were changes that I had to do to make any future relationship better. Trying to be friends with him after the break up was not a good idea because so many feelings were involved still. I wanted to prove to him that I changed, but it wasn't something that could happen overnight (even though I kept thinking or believing I did and wanted to prove it to him the next day). There was so much drama because there was no improvement from either side when finally we had to go NO CONTACT. We didn't talk for over a month, which was a struggle but something we both needed to reflect on ourselves which is similar to your situation. Looking back, I'm grateful for the breakup because it did help me to grow as an individual and I changed because of it.

I blocked my boyfriend through text and social media during the time of NC, which helped alot! On his end, he told me that he heard about how happy I was from other people and even saw pictures of me in others social media enjoying my life (even though I was sad, i just forced myself to go out and try to have fun lol). I didn't re-attract him, he got re-attracted to me. I did want my boyfriend back, but at the same time I didn't hold onto that hope and kept focusing on improving myself to make any future relationship better whether it was with him or not. Which is what you need to do too.

 

I wouldn't recommend texting her to re-attract her. She may need more space and may just be seeing you as desperate. Trying too hard or forcing something that isn't ready, she will go further away. My advice is to continue what you're doing and prove to her and yourself how much you changed after the breakup, because she will see it and other girls will be attracted to that new you as well. It's going to be a challenge, but stop focusing on how to win her back and keep focusing on you because she fell for you before and she may want to be with the same happy person you were except this time improved in many aspects and you go prove it. Good luck and hope this helped somehow.

[Redhead14]

Hi Everyone,

 

First I would just like to thank everyone that reads this to try and help me.

 

So basically I broke up with my girlfriend/fiancée about two months ago when I went to go see her, we were in a long distance relationship for just under 2 years. I'm 22, she was 30 and after she started to withdraw from the relationship when she saw me hit a bump in the road in my life for a couple of months where I had a lot going on in my life such as finishing university, starting a business and looking for work.

 

When I went to go see her I was not in the best of states either because it was just after university and I was still pretty stressed but worried if I didn't go I might lose her. Once I was there with her she broke up with me and said the reason she broke up with me was because she said she felt emotionally responsible for both of us and she basically thought I was not up to the job to take care of her emotionally.

 

I did not really handle things that well when I saw her because I will still in a pretty bad place, therefore she told me that because of that, she fell out of love. But she only told me her issues after breaking up and did not give me a chance to try and meet her needs, I admit I made mistakes but she never communicated her needs to me until we broke up.

 

She did not want to speak to me after so I decided not to contact her for a month, during that month I thought about where I went wrong and how I could improve myself, I actually agree with her now that I was not up to the job at the time but now I feel much better mentally (basically I feel like I'm ready). I tried going on a couple of dates but I wasn't interested in any of the girls I tried dating.

 

After that I initiated contact and she seemed responsive so we started talking light conversations and after a couple of weeks I asked if I could come see her as a friend and try and smooth things over. I thought the only way I'm going to win her back is if I can show her I've changed and can be there for her emotionally and try to re-attract her in person which I'm confident I could do, but she did not want to see me because she thought I was not over the relationship.

 

Technically she is only half true, I'm over the relationship but want to try and win her back because I really believe she is the one for me.

 

I've had advice from people saying I should just try and text her to get her re attracted, but I'm really not sure of what to do next to try and get a second chance. I feel like if I take things to slow I might lose her to someone else, and if I take things to fast I might push her further away.

 

Can anyone give me any advice on how I might be able to win her back or even if I have a chance? I do really love this women, as I thought we were going to get married. Thanks in advance

 

she said she felt emotionally responsible for both of us and she basically thought I was not up to the job to take care of her emotionally. -- If that's the way she feels, it's because she wasn't communicating. And, she wants you to be an emotional tampon???

she never communicated her needs to me until we broke up. -- She wants a mind-reader????

I really believe she is the one for me. -- If she were the one for you, she would have been communicating effectively with you. If there is no communication, there is no relationship. You would be doing all the work in this relationship and probably were anyway.

 

Keep moving.

[fromheart]

I'll be honest as to what I'm thinking and I hope it doesn't offend.

 

Date someone closer to your own age, who's at the same stage of life that you are. You're 22, a 30 year old woman is going to have different goals and values. You've got many more joys, downers and mistakes to be made before you can figure out who you are, and what you want in a long term relationship.

 

Your ex isn't taking care of herself emotionally, she's not relationship material yet. You really are better off without her. An emotionally needy partner becomes a ball and chain after a while.

 

 

If you get dumped, the best thing to do is to not initiate any contact whatsoever. Just walk away completely and live your life as a single person. As long as you want to get back with her, you'll push her away.

Your best chance of re attracting an ex is to genuinely move on. Not act it out, because she or any other girl will see that a mile off. Genuinely do it.

 

But with this one, I really say let her go.

[laker93]

Thanks for everyone input, I will take all of it into consideration.

 

I think I will try and move on and not contact her and see how I feel with time and maybe send her an email and be honest with her, if I still feel the need. However I dont feel I will ever be able to re-attract her by moving on because we live far away so I feel if I dont make some kind of an effort, it will never happen. Which obviously is not what I would like.

[laker93]

she said she felt emotionally responsible for both of us and she basically thought I was not up to the job to take care of her emotionally. -- If that's the way she feels, it's because she wasn't communicating. And, she wants you to be an emotional tampon???

she never communicated her needs to me until we broke up. -- She wants a mind-reader????

I really believe she is the one for me. -- If she were the one for you, she would have been communicating effectively with you. If there is no communication, there is no relationship. You would be doing all the work in this relationship and probably were anyway.

 

Keep moving.

 

Thanks for your reply, I replied with a conclusion above this post but wanted to respond to this.

 

I think she is very traditional when it comes to gender roles, which is why she thinks the man should not show emotional and take care of his wife etc.

 

I'm a little more progressive and don't believe in gender roles as such but because I love her, I wanted to make her happy and accepted who she was.

 

I agree with you that I think she should of communicated because by not, I felt like she basically set me up for failure. But I think maybe for her this was something that her past boyfriends may of given her because they were more involved in her culture, as she is from Jordan which is very conservative and traditional and I'm from the UK. So maybe she thought that I should of done it naturally which is why maybe she thought I was not capable or doing what she needed.

 

I'm not defending her but just trying to view it from her perspective.

[laker93]

I put something in the "Second Chance" section about me getting a second chance with my boyfriend, if you read it I hope it helps somehow. I did things that led to our breakup, and I knew that there were changes that I had to do to make any future relationship better. Trying to be friends with him after the break up was not a good idea because so many feelings were involved still. I wanted to prove to him that I changed, but it wasn't something that could happen overnight (even though I kept thinking or believing I did and wanted to prove it to him the next day). There was so much drama because there was no improvement from either side when finally we had to go NO CONTACT. We didn't talk for over a month, which was a struggle but something we both needed to reflect on ourselves which is similar to your situation. Looking back, I'm grateful for the breakup because it did help me to grow as an individual and I changed because of it.

I blocked my boyfriend through text and social media during the time of NC, which helped alot! On his end, he told me that he heard about how happy I was from other people and even saw pictures of me in others social media enjoying my life (even though I was sad, i just forced myself to go out and try to have fun lol). I didn't re-attract him, he got re-attracted to me. I did want my boyfriend back, but at the same time I didn't hold onto that hope and kept focusing on improving myself to make any future relationship better whether it was with him or not. Which is what you need to do too.

 

I wouldn't recommend texting her to re-attract her. She may need more space and may just be seeing you as desperate. Trying too hard or forcing something that isn't ready, she will go further away. My advice is to continue what you're doing and prove to her and yourself how much you changed after the breakup, because she will see it and other girls will be attracted to that new you as well. It's going to be a challenge, but stop focusing on how to win her back and keep focusing on you because she fell for you before and she may want to be with the same happy person you were except this time improved in many aspects and you go prove it. Good luck and hope this helped somehow.

 

Thanks for your reply, it helped. I agree maybe it's a similar situation, however because we live so far away, but I fear if I do completely let her go from my life I will never see her again, thus lose the chance to ever re-attract her.

 

She is not young and I know she wants to settle down with a family etc, so I dont feel like time is on my side if you know what I mean.

[laker93]

she said she felt emotionally responsible for both of us and she basically thought I was not up to the job to take care of her emotionally. -- If that's the way she feels, it's because she wasn't communicating. And, she wants you to be an emotional tampon???

she never communicated her needs to me until we broke up. -- She wants a mind-reader????

I really believe she is the one for me. -- If she were the one for you, she would have been communicating effectively with you. If there is no communication, there is no relationship. You would be doing all the work in this relationship and probably were anyway.

 

Keep moving.

 

past boyfriends more close to her culture and AGE*

[laker93]

I'll be honest as to what I'm thinking and I hope it doesn't offend.

 

Date someone closer to your own age, who's at the same stage of life that you are. You're 22, a 30 year old woman is going to have different goals and values. You've got many more joys, downers and mistakes to be made before you can figure out who you are, and what you want in a long term relationship.

 

Your ex isn't taking care of herself emotionally, she's not relationship material yet. You really are better off without her. An emotionally needy partner becomes a ball and chain after a while.

 

 

If you get dumped, the best thing to do is to not initiate any contact whatsoever. Just walk away completely and live your life as a single person. As long as you want to get back with her, you'll push her away.

Your best chance of re attracting an ex is to genuinely move on. Not act it out, because she or any other girl will see that a mile off. Genuinely do it.

 

But with this one, I really say let her go.

 

Thanks for your reply and dont worry I'm not offended.

 

I agree with you that I think I should date someone closer to my age, however love is not logical.

 

Also I think the reason she is emotionally needy is because she believes in gender roles and that the man takes care of everything. I accepted that when I got with her but obviously when I was having a tough time at university I guess she decided that I could not handle it.

 

I would like to say I'm fairly mature and understand who I am but just had a bad patch in life and did not realise that she did not want to support me because she doesn't believe that a women should do that, not that she did not care. Which I did not understand until it happened lol.

 

But regarding the goals and stuff, even though we had a big age difference we had the same goals in that we wanted to get married and settle down. Because I've started a company, I have responsibilities anyway and cant just drop it and go travel the world which is why I thought it would be good to get a serious relationship which I thought I had.

 

As I've said in the above posts, I feel that because we live so far away, if I decide to not to talk and let her go out my life, then I will completely lose any chance of re-attracting her.

[leia1028]

Thanks for your reply, it helped. I agree maybe it's a similar situation, however because we live so far away, but I fear if I do completely let her go from my life I will never see her again, thus lose the chance to ever re-attract her.

 

She is not young and I know she wants to settle down with a family etc, so I dont feel like time is on my side if you know what I mean.

 

My boyfriend and I are currently long distance as well so I understand that struggle. And I also understand your point that she wants to settle down and have a family. Dont let fear give in to your actions and your decisions, because contacting her or trying to stay connected just because there's "not much time" can also drive a person away therefore losing any chance of re-attracting her as well. You cant be over a relationship when you want to win her back. She knows you're not trying to hang out just as a friend. You have to show her that you changed, that you're strong and that you can be happy without her. Also if you two are planning on making it work, there are changes that need to be made on her side to make a future relationship better such as communicating her needs. Even when you have improved your side and changes are not made on hers, the relationship can still lead to arguments eventually heading to another breakup.

[laker93]

My boyfriend and I are currently long distance as well so I understand that struggle. And I also understand your point that she wants to settle down and have a family. Dont let fear give in to your actions and your decisions, because contacting her or trying to stay connected just because there's "not much time" can also drive a person away therefore losing any chance of re-attracting her as well. You cant be over a relationship when you want to win her back. She knows you're not trying to hang out just as a friend. You have to show her that you changed, that you're strong and that you can be happy without her. Also if you two are planning on making it work, there are changes that need to be made on her side to make a future relationship better such as communicating her needs. Even when you have improved your side and changes are not made on hers, the relationship can still lead to arguments eventually heading to another breakup.

 

I'll take all that on board, thanks for the support.