Numb .. describes this OW [3 month update]

[ChickiePops]

Why does it matter if their relationship is good or not? Are you hoping to restart the affair?

[Cyra]

Labfx, just read your original post. I relate so much to what you have gone through. I had a similar experience where xMM told his wife he loved me and was leaving to be with me, they told the kids and all their family and off he went, only to go back 2 days later. I genuinely thought that since he told everyone, that was it and I could not comprehend how he could go back into the fallout he had created. But WOW your ex went even further, filed for divorce, organized jobs and moved a fair distance to be with you! No wonder you were convinced that he had made up his mind! I imagine it must have been super confusing for you, as it was for me I just couldn't understand it and still cannot tbh.

 

Have you heard from him since at all? The fact BS is contacting you definitely shows that things are not rosy, IMO. She is feeling insecure and mistrustful of him (rightfully). But I think you are doing the right thing in not engaging. My xMM's BS never contacted me, had she done so shortly after DDay I probably would have engaged and offered all the details that I am sure he'd left out, but now I would ignore her. I don't want anything to do with any of them.

 

Can I ask you, how are you getting on? What have you been doing to cope? Do you feel like you are over it? I am a month and a week from when he went back to wife and dumped me with a nasty NC letter, and I am still struggling and obsessing.

 

I know it is so hard, I wish you all the best! x

Edited October 31, 2016 by Cyra

[grassisorisntgreener]

The BS in my situation contacted me for over 3 years.... I still expect to hear from her all the time.

 

He isn't giving her the security she needs to feel safe in her marriage.

[cocorico]

The BS in my situation contacted me for over 3 years.... I still expect to hear from her all the time.

 

He isn't giving her the security she needs to feel safe in her marriage.

 

Why did you tolerate this?

[aileD]

Most married men get so caught up in their affairs that they become oblivious to reality. I think many of these married men really do want to have a life with the other woman but the truth of the matter is they can’t. The idea of leaving the wife for the other woman sounds much easier to do when spoken out loud but very hard to actually do when faced with that decision.

 

When confronted with the option of either losing their wife and children or losing the other woman, time and time again the married man chooses his family.

 

I have read hundreds and hundreds of stories of affairs and each and every time a married man is faced with the choice of losing his family or losing his mistress, he has always chosen his family.

 

No matter how much a married man cares for his other woman very few of them can stand the bond he has created with his wife and children. Wife and children are at the top of a married man’s list alongside stable employment and financial security. Very few forces on earth can shatter that bond which is why time after time the other woman loses out.

 

LabFx I say all of this with a lot of sympathy because I understand that 8 years is a long time to invest your heart into someone.

 

My husband did the same thing to his OW as yours did to you, with a few exceptions. There wasn't any distance and he did it to her not just once but many times.(don't give him the opportunity to do it again!)

 

And he did it the same way. Left her in the middle of the night one time (after we agreed to divorce and had a great talk and I wished him well), had me come and get him out of her vehicle when she was in work and he was waiting for her in her car, packed his stuff and left when she went to the store.

 

I think what a few people have said is accurate, and by no means do I mean to trivialize your pain or you as a person ....but. For most men this happens to--they loved the fantasy of you and your relationship but when faced with reality? You're not the first choice. They fell into the addiction of you. Of the excitement and intamacy and not having to deal with all the humdrum and daily problems that come along with regular life.

 

They live in this bubble with you and because you both "love" each other soooooo much you think everyone will see it and wish you well (my H actually thought I would be happy for him).

 

But then reality hits and these MM are slapped in the face with what exactly their affair with you means.

 

It means betrayal. Yes sure their kids are older, it's not about age. My daughter is 16 and even though we reconciled she still does not want a relationship with her father. Why? Because he betrayed ME. Not because he betrayed her or her brother. Because he hurt and betrayed HER MOM. So kids, it doesn't matter how old they are. And then there is everyone else in his life who now sees him as a horrible man for cheating on his wife and family. That's a big blow and makes one look a little closer at themselves in the mirror.

 

It also means facing reality of a new life. He's older and now he has to start all over. That's huge. He spent his entire life/marriage working to get somewhere and I'm sure him and his wife have shared dreams for the future

 

Now he has to start from scratch financially, emotionally, and build new dreams..,but what if he really wants the old ones?

 

Then there is his wife. No matter what he told you over the years about her, the truth is that it probably wasn't the full truth. What woman would date a married man who says his marriage is awesome, perfect and he loves his wife more than anything? He has to downplay it.

 

The truth is his marriage probably got stagnant, as a lot do over time if you don't care for them when kids come along and the stresses of life take over. They probably got along fine but lost their passion. He may believe that she doesn't care about him because she's too busy with the kids or work. for some men, D-Day reveals to them just how much their wife does love them. My husband was shocked I didn't want a divorce, he really thought I didn't love him. In reality I was just overwhelmed with life and kids and work .

 

Once they realize that the problems in their marriage might have been all a misunderstanding, or not what they thought....then they start thinking---wow if I could fix this wth my wife and she's willing....I could have it all. I could keep my kids, my home my dreams my lifestyle...my wife is willing to work on our marriage and fulfill all the intimacies that the OW filled...then there's no need for and OW or to leave his whole life behind.

 

I know that seems like it makes you out to be nothing. You're not nothing. You got caught up too and he probably does love you. But if he can get that love from his wife too, then she has more to offer because she has his history and his kids and his comfy life.

 

You deserve better than to be a choice. Now is the time for you to act. You gave him a chance and he blew it. Now there is no excuse for going back to him. Don't be like my HUsbands X-OW. She did the dance a bunch of times with him before he totally cut it off completely with her and left her alone and destroyed financially and emotionally.

 

If you still want a relationships With him, cut off all contact but before you do, tell him that you are giving him the time and space to figure out his marriage without your involvement. He has to want to end the marriage for him and not for you.

 

And if he does, he will need some time alone to deal with the emotions that come With ending a family and a 21 year relationship. He should live alone for at least 6 months or u til the divorce is final before he calls you and asked you out on proper date.

 

Please learn and read here. I hope you are spared any more continuing pain.

Edited October 31, 2016 by aileD

[Labfx]

In reply to #45. No to your questions.

Edited October 31, 2016 by Labfx
clarify post.

[Labfx]

She is feeling insecure and mistrustful of him (rightfully). But I think you are doing the right thing in not engaging. My xMM's BS never contacted me, had she done so shortly after DDay I probably would have engaged and offered all the details that I am sure he'd left out, but now I would ignore her. I don't want anything to do with any of them.

 

Can I ask you, how are you getting on? What have you been doing to cope? Do you feel like you are over it?

 

insecurity was admitted in several msgs. I mind my business. Work, sleep, think, and take care of my responsibilities. Over him ... no and not expecting to. Not sitting here pining either as another poster implied. Its not me initiating contact.

 

And on a side note, two fellas last week flirted with me (one pushing hard for my number) and guess what... BOTH of the a$$e$ were married too. And before anyone here states that I lead-on or seek out a married man - that is absolutely not the case.

 

Now, I'll get back to my microscope.

[buglet78]

Labfx - I can relate to your original post. My xMM started moving things into my house, only to turn around and go back two days later (in my case, he and his W had spoken to the leaders of their church, and they had decided from there to work on their marriage). We had those same extensive, detailed conversations about our future together too. I felt like a total idiot after him starting to move into my house :/

 

Regarding your follow-up, I would contact the authorities. No matter what transpired, harassment is harassment. I would also block her from contacting you again.

[sophinla]

My brother was a MM and he did the exact same thing to OW. Moved out, started divorce proceedings and then moved right back home and stopped divorce proceedings. I was his confident the entire process, so I can tell you what happened in my brother's case, but of course every situation is different.

 

Basically my brother under estimated the hurt his affair brought upon his wife and children, and over estimated his own ability to ignore those hurt. He said he may still divorce a few years down the road, but he will never marry his OW, too much bad blood and baggage to make it work, and divorce itself is already a monster to deal with. If he ever divorce, he said he will do it right and date a woman that respects marriage, yes very ironic coming from him, but that is how most men think when it comes to marriage.

 

Also he didn't want to be the bad guy when they divorce. In his children's eyes, a divorce because daddy cheated on mommy and another woman took daddy away is a lot more devastating than a divorce because mommy and daddy don't get along. THAT of course also puts him in a bad light in his family's eyes, and he doesn't want to deal with that. Yes my brother is a selfish and calculative MM, but the OW should know how he is the minute he betrayed his own wife and family.

 

It is all a fair game, and OW is always in a passive position. Best to leave other's women's men where they belong.

Edited November 1, 2016 by sophinla

[lftbehind]

He may have started another affair with someone new and she is picking up on old habits he did when he was with you so she assumes it is you he is talking/contacting. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

 

I don't necessarily believe one a cheater, always a cheater. People can learn from their mistakes and decide that they don't want to keep being a cheater.

[Miss Clavel]

A better analogy:

 

Mary and Caroline are BFF at primary school. One day Caroline decides to play with Isabelle instead. Mary wonders where Caroline is, and one day finds out she's playing with Isabelle. She is upset when Caroline tells her she likes Isabelle better. A few days later, Caroline wants to play with Mary again. Mary insists on parading Caroline as her BFF in front of Isabelle. When Isabelle doesn't react with jealousy, Mary scribbles all over Isabelle's drawings.

 

A WS is not "stuff" to be stolen or retrieved. A WS is an agentic being who decides if their own voilition to transfer their affection, loyalty, love, body or whatever to another.

 

a ws is a cheatin liar. and once they are discovered, it is a betrayal, a violation, the same as a burglary. things are stolen. stuff like trust and dignity.

 

i'm not too fussed about isabelle and caroline since they are not married. they do not have a home together, investments or children. nor have they taken any vows.

 

however, if they were my kids i'd have to speak to them about playing with other people's emotions.

[cocorico]

 

 

In his children's eyes, a divorce because daddy cheated on mommy and another woman took daddy away is a lot more devastating than a divorce because mommy and daddy don't get along.

 

 

 

He's taught his kids that people are objects to be carted off by other people against their will? What kind of messed-up parenting is that?

[Labfx]

He's taught his kids that people are objects to be carted off by other people against their will? What kind of messed-up parenting is that?

 

Kids are adults not babies.

[sophinla]

He's taught his kids that people are objects to be carted off by other people against their will? What kind of messed-up parenting is that?

 

Yep all messed up, a typical blame shifting, conflict avoidant cheater, just like most MMs.

[sophinla]

a ws is a cheatin liar. and once they are discovered, it is a betrayal, a violation, the same as a burglary. things are stolen. stuff like trust and dignity.

 

i'm not too fussed about isabelle and caroline since they are not married. they do not have a home together, investments or children. nor have they taken any vows.

 

however, if they were my kids i'd have to speak to them about playing with other people's emotions.

 

Exactly.

 

And that new girl Isabelle sure sounds innocent doesn't she? Except we all know that she's not. She knows that Caroline made a vow with Mary not to play with other girls, and she should find another girl to play with. She also knows all Caroline needs to do is tell Mary honestly she doesn't want to play with her any more, then Isabelle can really play with Caroline on the public playground, instead of having to go into the janitor's room every time.

 

Well let's just hope that when the principal catch them in the janitor's room, she will give them a good talk on honesty, integrity and self respect, so that they don't grow up to become cheaters or women that let cheaters have their way.

Edited November 1, 2016 by sophinla

[Josmatjes]

Kids are adults not babies.

 

Kids are kids and they don't need to know about issues that they don't have any understanding about. All they need to know is that they did nothing wrong and they are still loved!