Ibelieveinlove Posted July 26, 2016 Posted July 26, 2016 My fiance has been divorced for 18 years. He and his ex-wife have one child, who just turned 18. He has two other children by two other women, to whom he has never married. I don't have any kids and I've never been married. Before we started dating, I questioned him extensively about the co-parenting relationship he has with all of his children's mothers. He told me that he only speaks to them concerning the kids, and there are no left over feelings for any of them. My irritation is that I am sick of hearing about his ex-wife, and I'm probably being a bit over sensitive here, but I'm to the point where I'm annoyed by ANY mention of her. He had the nerve to say that her sister is still like a sister-in-law to him, like wtf? And he's damn near obsessed with his ex father-in-law. He tells me everything, which I'll admit is a good thing, but he thinks this justifies maintaining familial relations with his ex's family. I understand that her family is also his daughter's family, but shouldn't his ties ONLY be with the mother of his child and not her extended family? I need advice from the Loveshack community. This is my first time dating a man with children and having to deal with the presence of past loves in my relationship. We've had many arguments about this, so please help me become a more understanding person.
CryForNoOne Posted July 27, 2016 Posted July 27, 2016 It sounds like you are being too sensitive. How is the ex-sister-in-law or ex-father-in-law a threat to your relationship in any way whatsoever? He has children with that other women so they are forever part of his extended family. You brought up the extended family more than you did the ex's themselves. That suggests to me he really isn't obsessing over them but just maintaining a healthy relationship with his kids and their extended family. If you want a relationship with a divorced family man who is honest, this is what it looks like. Would you rather he be dishonest or not be a good father? If you can't handle it, you shouldn't date divorced men with kids... 1
Ami1uwant Posted July 27, 2016 Posted July 27, 2016 He may have had a good relationship with the in laws. He may have been friends with her brother before he met her. Maybe the inlaws side with him in the fact their day ghetto screwed him over. When you share a child the ex will always be a part of their life until the child effector moves out on their own. Through high school and college.
bubbaganoosh Posted July 27, 2016 Posted July 27, 2016 You have a built in family and he'll always have a ex wife not to mention two kids for previous relationships. You sure this is the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with? Obviously he doesn't like to wear condoms and is he still paying support for the kids? 3
leogirl876 Posted July 27, 2016 Posted July 27, 2016 This wouldn't work for me. A man with 3 kids by 3 different women is a red flag for me, but maybe that's just me. Now, if he's just casually mentioning the ex-wife in which it deals with their kids, that's one thing, but if he's talking about her like he still wants to be with her, then I wouldn't stay in the relationship. I'm strictly against dating someone who already has kids. I don't have any, and I find it very difficult for people who don't have kids to understand what's it's like for people who do. If you are going to marry this man, you should sit down and have a good, thorough conversation with him about your concerns and fears. It's highly recommended you do this BEFORE you walk down the aisle, not after. Good luck! 1
Toodaloo Posted July 27, 2016 Posted July 27, 2016 3 children by 3 women... Still banging on about his ex to the point where you are uncomfortable... You are engaged? How long have you been together? I have a sneaky suspicion that your answer will be not all that long... Sorry to say that this guy you have sounds highly irresponsible to me... 1
PegNosePete Posted July 27, 2016 Posted July 27, 2016 I think it's perfectly healthy to have at least a cordial relationship with his daughter's grandparents and aunt? It would make family gatherings pretty awkward otherwise. But if it really grates you, the solution seems pretty simple to me. Tell him you are sick of hearing about his ex-wife and her family. If he understands and tones it down (in front of you at least) then all good. If not, then you will have to reevaluate whether this is a deal breaker for you or not. But if you're already having "many arguments" about it then I think it's an incompatibility and it's time for you to move on. 2
Dork Vader Posted July 27, 2016 Posted July 27, 2016 Okay, I'll put the 3 kids by 3 different women thing aside. 1. He does not have clear boundaries set with his Ex wife and their family. Even if he does, they are not boundaries that meet your expectations of what is and is not acceptable. 2.The endless gushing about any Ex, is annoying too anyone. Sure it's one thing to talk about the Co-parenting relationship. But beyond that, I would get annoyed by it as well. The relationship is over a done with or it is not. Do you really think you can not do better? Plenty of men out there who don't have kids or at the very least don't have kids with 3 different women. Further more you do realize that by marrying this man you will be co-parenthing his children. You will be financially supporting them in some way or another.
Art_Critic Posted July 27, 2016 Posted July 27, 2016 I think you need to tell him how you feel.. although I think him having a relationship with his ex-inlaws is perfectly fine since there are children. I know people who do stuff with their ex-inlaws all the time when the children are involved.
Omei Posted July 27, 2016 Posted July 27, 2016 You were a single lady with no kids I think if you were to find a single man with also no children you would be happier and better fitted. You would get the attention you want without having to share, maybe don't limit yourself to this? There are plenty in the sea wouldn't you rather be with someone who's more free to travel and spend time with you? Just a thought. Woman without children tend to be more active in life and can get bored with someone who's always tied down.
pteromom Posted July 27, 2016 Posted July 27, 2016 I think you are being too sensitive. If in-laws become your family and are integrated in your life due to your children/their grandchildren, then of COURSE they will always be in your life! And if he spent a long time being married to his ex, of course a lot of his stories will include her. So I don't see the big thing in either of these. However - you get to decide what works for you and your life. Imagine going to his child's wedding and his ex and her entire family is there. Christmases and Easters and 4th of Julys with these people coming in and out of your lives. Are you ok with that or not? If not, you should just cut the cord now and only date men without children. And there is nothing wrong with figuring out what works for you.
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