tolve Posted July 26, 2016 Posted July 26, 2016 I like a guy friend and told him how I felt. He turned me down after 'thinking about it', and is not seeing anyone else. It was all super awkward. After all of this soon after he then asked me to go with him to his pop's cabin. I declined the invite. I then wrote on here asking for advise on how I could persuade him to like me in a cool classy way. I actually decided to take advice that LS posters gave that said walk away and I totally walked away and just did not contact him at all. So he is back now like a bolt from the blue. I got a message from him. 'Where are you????????? I haven't heard from you in forever so I thought I'd check in. I hope you're doing good? Are you??? I bought a new car, cool right? When are we having dinner. I'm out of town for work, when I get back ok?' This was weird in itself as he hadn't got in touch with me either. I replied one line about the car. He gets right back about something else and then sends several messages finally sending one asking again if I'm doing good. Finally I reply and say 'I'm fine. Sure get in touch when you get back and we can do dinner.' He replies 'yeah cool. When I get back' Is this him just trying to get the friendship back on track? Or is he trying to spend time with me to further workout if he has romantic feelings. I have to admit I do not see anything in the message above apart from him trying to be friends again. So I'm going to make an excuse and not see him when he does get back as if I am to get over him I just cannot see him. It's been a painful process for me but I know I have to walk way but I just don't get it. If you care that much about a girl, and the way he has been with me in the past it's like he really does care on a really deep level about me and he can't bare to lose me. But if he cares so much and can't bare to lose me why can't he give the relationship a shot? He's going to lose me anyway as there is no way I'm hanging around to see him with a girlfriend. I guess I'm just confused as I've been brought up being told that no guy cares that much for a girl platonically and if he does care for in a romantic way why would you turn it down?
Versacehottie Posted July 27, 2016 Posted July 27, 2016 I like a guy friend and told him how I felt. He turned me down after 'thinking about it', and is not seeing anyone else. It was all super awkward. After all of this soon after he then asked me to go with him to his pop's cabin. I declined the invite. I then wrote on here asking for advise on how I could persuade him to like me in a cool classy way. I actually decided to take advice that LS posters gave that said walk away and I totally walked away and just did not contact him at all. So he is back now like a bolt from the blue. I got a message from him. 'Where are you????????? I haven't heard from you in forever so I thought I'd check in. I hope you're doing good? Are you??? I bought a new car, cool right? When are we having dinner. I'm out of town for work, when I get back ok?' This was weird in itself as he hadn't got in touch with me either. I replied one line about the car. He gets right back about something else and then sends several messages finally sending one asking again if I'm doing good. Finally I reply and say 'I'm fine. Sure get in touch when you get back and we can do dinner.' He replies 'yeah cool. When I get back' Is this him just trying to get the friendship back on track? Or is he trying to spend time with me to further workout if he has romantic feelings. I have to admit I do not see anything in the message above apart from him trying to be friends again. So I'm going to make an excuse and not see him when he does get back as if I am to get over him I just cannot see him. It's been a painful process for me but I know I have to walk way but I just don't get it. If you care that much about a girl, and the way he has been with me in the past it's like he really does care on a really deep level about me and he can't bare to lose me. But if he cares so much and can't bare to lose me why can't he give the relationship a shot? He's going to lose me anyway as there is no way I'm hanging around to see him with a girlfriend. I guess I'm just confused as I've been brought up being told that no guy cares that much for a girl platonically and if he does care for in a romantic way why would you turn it down? Oh wow, you did listen to the advice! Great. And it's working. See? You think in too much of black and white terms yourself and apply it to him. That's obviously not how he processes things or considers the potential of a relationship. You look at it as an "end goal" thing and less baby steps whereas he seems to think of things in smaller increments. It makes sense to me. Just even the way you have posed the question and information here make me think you may have come on too strong, too absolute with him. Ok, next step: Good answer so far. Talk about the car. lol. When guaranteed he wants to get some information/assurance that you are still into HIM, care about him. Small talk, do that. Let him put in more effort at this point. He is your friend, one who you've given some distance to because it is best for YOU. Again with the absolutes!!! NO! I can hear that you still like him and care. So you don't need to say more, text more to him. Just wait for his next move. Supposed to contact you when he's back and take you to that dinner. Don't be too eager to make it happen or fit it into your schedule (remember, it's important to show and have your own busy life since he risked letting that opportunity with you slip by). Ball is in his court by his own suggestion ("cool, will be in touch when i get back" or whatever he said). He is probably hoping to get the friendship back on track AND/OR see what his feelings could be for you. He may not process things with such an "end goal" or calculated plan in mind. Just knows he misses you in some way. I think he has more than just friend feelings BUT you need to be careful of how you manage the next step. Since he has been the skittish one, let him do the leg work, ie come to you, make the effort. Do not let him just do the friend thing but do not pressure him for more or spill any feelings or thoughts about you as a couple onto him. Indifference, demoted friend. Try that. NOT cold. Just that he lost priority in your life and will only get back priority with his effort. Do not be passive-aggressive in doing this. All you really need to think of is how he has not EARNED a place of high priority in your life and missed his chance for it. You don't hate him nor are making him pay. He's a friend. Keep things of short duration and surface-y subjects for now. Basically respond to his effort; don't initiate. Make sense?
Zippy2000 Posted July 27, 2016 Posted July 27, 2016 If you care that much about a girl, and the way he has been with me in the past it's like he really does care on a really deep level about me and he can't bare to lose me. But if he cares so much and can't bare to lose me why can't he give the relationship a shot? Speaking from a man`s point of view and the same with women too. If we arent attracted to you and dont have any feelings for you. We will NOT give a relationship a shot but we only want you as a friend. Nothing wrong with being friends and I have had women who have asked me out and I ve told then no and have just been nothing but friends. You cant force a relationship with him if he doesnt have any feelings and he is only contacting you as he misses your company as a FRIEND and nothing else. 1
Larryville Posted July 27, 2016 Posted July 27, 2016 Speaking from a man`s point of view and the same with women too. If we arent attracted to you and dont have any feelings for you. We will NOT give a relationship a shot but we only want you as a friend. Exactly, while I may meet some nice people sometimes after that initial meeting I clearly am not feeling it... (I know some women have done and thought the same about me) it's just part of meeting and dating. You test drive a car, not quite feeling it you walk away...
Author tolve Posted July 31, 2016 Author Posted July 31, 2016 Versacehottie, I did listen to your advise. I thought about it but realized I had to walk away. I totally get what you're saying about the absolutes. I do think in black and white, for me it's either this or that. I do not do gray. I guess I did come on strong with him, because I asked straight up if he wanted a (serious) relationship. I can see how he thought I was pitching for a ring in the not too distant future, I wasn't btw, but I can see how he thought that. I guess the only way forward is to meet with him, be casual and if he wants to do the leg work he can. I'm now getting that I need to make it casual and fun. I have to admit it has made me wonder if this is where I tend to go wrong with men, coming on as 'too serious with a plan' and not a 'see where it goes' type of gal. 1
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