elelome Posted July 26, 2016 Posted July 26, 2016 Hi everyone, I'm new in this forum. I'm feeling very anxious and confused at the moment. Yesterday I sent an angry text to a guy I was dating a month ago and now I don't know very well how I feel. I told him that I felt mistreated by him, that he is acting stupid by just hooking up with every girl he meets in bars and then saying that he feels unhappy and empty and that I deserved better. I have got no answer and that makes me feel humiliated. Maybe even his friends are laughing at my message and talking about how crazy I am... The thing is that he was my first date experience after my mum's cancer treatment, it had been a very tough year full of hospitals and chemos... and then I met this guy. He seemed head over heels about me, he talked about future plans and how we should go to the cinema and the beach and then suddenly disappeared. A month later he reappeared and said he felt sorry for having ignored me, said he liked me but wasn't ready for a committed relationship. He proposed a friends with benefits situation and I accepted in the hope that it eventually would lead to something else. Four days later I got pissed off because he was ignoring my texts again and I told him that a friends with benefits situation wasn't something that made me happy and that we should stop seeing each other. Somehow, my anger has been building up inside me and I kinda exploded yesterday and wrote him that message but I feel stupid, and I know that I acted needy and I feel terrible and ashamed. I don't want to be seen as needy by other men and scare them. In the message I sent him I didn't call him names, I even said that I wish we had met in another moment of his life when he would feel more connected to having a commited relationship but even so I had been really pissed off by his behaviour. Please, any advice is helpful. I'm feeling pretty low. Thank you all.
frigginlost Posted July 26, 2016 Posted July 26, 2016 Hi everyone, I'm new in this forum. I'm feeling very anxious and confused at the moment. Yesterday I sent an angry text to a guy I was dating a month ago and now I don't know very well how I feel. I told him that I felt mistreated by him, that he is acting stupid by just hooking up with every girl he meets in bars and then saying that he feels unhappy and empty and that I deserved better. I have got no answer and that makes me feel humiliated. Maybe even his friends are laughing at my message and talking about how crazy I am... The thing is that he was my first date experience after my mum's cancer treatment, it had been a very tough year full of hospitals and chemos... and then I met this guy. He seemed head over heels about me, he talked about future plans and how we should go to the cinema and the beach and then suddenly disappeared. A month later he reappeared and said he felt sorry for having ignored me, said he liked me but wasn't ready for a committed relationship. He proposed a friends with benefits situation and I accepted in the hope that it eventually would lead to something else. Four days later I got pissed off because he was ignoring my texts again and I told him that a friends with benefits situation wasn't something that made me happy and that we should stop seeing each other. Somehow, my anger has been building up inside me and I kinda exploded yesterday and wrote him that message but I feel stupid, and I know that I acted needy and I feel terrible and ashamed. I don't want to be seen as needy by other men and scare them. In the message I sent him I didn't call him names, I even said that I wish we had met in another moment of his life when he would feel more connected to having a commited relationship but even so I had been really pissed off by his behaviour. Please, any advice is helpful. I'm feeling pretty low. Thank you all. a) Don't beat yourself up. b) Honestly, he was up front with you about nothing more than FWB. c) It was good of you to let him know that you're not comfortable with that. d) You're hurt, and you lashed out. It happens. We all have done it. e) Don't beat yourself up. It's not a reflection of who you are as a person, the lashing out is a reflection of feeling rejected in this situation. f) oh yeah, don't beat yourself up. :-) 1
Zahara Posted July 26, 2016 Posted July 26, 2016 It's hard to let it go and the silence is deafening but you have to move on from this. You have to take full accountability for where you are because 1) he disappeared 2) he reappeared a month later 3) stated he does not want to be in a relationship 4) proposed FWB. Choices YOU made. He was straightforward with you. And not responding to your text messages during FWB -- you are someone he has sex with, that's it but you saw it as more, as potential. He probably felt you getting needy and attached with all the contact and ignored you. Block him. Don't let him into your life again. 1
Author elelome Posted July 26, 2016 Author Posted July 26, 2016 Thank you both for your answers. I havee been working on this issue, on not being needy and not having so much potential from someone new in my life. And I am starting to accept that some of my behaviour is not helpful and that I need to be responsible for my decisions, but this fills me with immense guilt. My head goes on and on and I don't stop repeating myself why did I even bother to keep contacting him when the signs that he only wanted sex were clear... I feel very guilty. It's just that he seemed so nice the first dates and so eager to make plans, he repeated how special I am... then he invited me to have dinner with his friends and acted weird, and all of a sudden no contact and after that he says that he wanted a FWB situation. Why this makes me feel so low?
Zahara Posted July 26, 2016 Posted July 26, 2016 Thank you both for your answers. I havee been working on this issue, on not being needy and not having so much potential from someone new in my life. And I am starting to accept that some of my behaviour is not helpful and that I need to be responsible for my decisions, but this fills me with immense guilt. My head goes on and on and I don't stop repeating myself why did I even bother to keep contacting him when the signs that he only wanted sex were clear... I feel very guilty. It's just that he seemed so nice the first dates and so eager to make plans, he repeated how special I am... then he invited me to have dinner with his friends and acted weird, and all of a sudden no contact and after that he says that he wanted a FWB situation. Why this makes me feel so low? People are always on their best behavior in the beginning. So, take the "nice" and "eager" with a grain of salt. Don't build that into genuine interest in your head. It makes you feel low because you feel rejected. You feel devalued by his actions. You should not define your worth based on his actions. It's made you feel that you weren't good enough to have a relationship with but rather just sex. It's normal that you feel this way but you have to take into consideration that YOU allowed him to repeatedly reject you so the lesson to learn is when they treat you less than or disrespect you, you should not reopen the door and let them back in. You create boundaries for yourself of what you WILL and WILL NOT accept and you don't compromise. 1
Author elelome Posted July 26, 2016 Author Posted July 26, 2016 People are always on their best behavior in the beginning. So, take the "nice" and "eager" with a grain of salt. Don't build that into genuine interest in your head. It makes you feel low because you feel rejected. You feel devalued by his actions. You should not define your worth based on his actions. It's made you feel that you weren't good enough to have a relationship with but rather just sex. It's normal that you feel this way but you have to take into consideration that YOU allowed him to repeatedly reject you so the lesson to learn is when they treat you less than or disrespect you, you should not reopen the door and let them back in. You create boundaries for yourself of what you WILL and WILL NOT accept and you don't compromise. You are right. It is just that I, stupidly, thought that he could change and see suddenly that he wanted a relationship with me if I was around acting like the perfect version os myself for him. I have prioritized my fantasies of a relationship over my self-respect. This is what makes me feel so ****ty, the fact that it is me who has mistreated me and he has witnessed that. Oh dear, I have acted sooo stupidly Now another guy was texting me every day and has suddenly stopped so I have decided to delete his number and let him contact me if he wants to, because I don't want to send texts to someone who doesn't want/deserve them. I seem condemned to repeat a pattern and attract men who act and speak differently and who do not want a commited relationship.
Zahara Posted July 26, 2016 Posted July 26, 2016 You are right. It is just that I, stupidly, thought that he could change and see suddenly that he wanted a relationship with me if I was around acting like the perfect version os myself for him. I have prioritized my fantasies of a relationship over my self-respect. This is what makes me feel so ****ty, the fact that it is me who has mistreated me and he has witnessed that. Oh dear, I have acted sooo stupidly Now another guy was texting me every day and has suddenly stopped so I have decided to delete his number and let him contact me if he wants to, because I don't want to send texts to someone who doesn't want/deserve them. I seem condemned to repeat a pattern and attract men who act and speak differently and who do not want a commited relationship. When a man doesn't want a relationship with you and you offer up sex, and trust that he knows your motives, he's going to keep you where you are because if you don't demand self-respect for yourself, why would he? Never ever think sex is going to change things and if you have to ACT like a perfect version of yourself to make a man like/accept you -- you'll be contorting into all sorts of versions to satisfy the man you're with because you have no true self. I think you need to put dating aside. You don't sound emotionally/mentally healthy or strong to date and maybe that's why you keep repeating your patterns. I don't know your history, but maybe you should stay single for awhile, introspect and look inward, build your self-confidence and work on establishing a relationship with yourself first before you go seeking men and trying to mould yourself into what you believe THEY deserve. 1
Author elelome Posted July 26, 2016 Author Posted July 26, 2016 When a man doesn't want a relationship with you and you offer up sex, and trust that he knows your motives, he's going to keep you where you are because if you don't demand self-respect for yourself, why would he? Never ever think sex is going to change things and if you have to ACT like a perfect version of yourself to make a man like/accept you -- you'll be contorting into all sorts of versions to satisfy the man you're with because you have no true self. I think you need to put dating aside. You don't sound emotionally/mentally healthy or strong to date and maybe that's why you keep repeating your patterns. I don't know your history, but maybe you should stay single for awhile, introspect and look inward, build your self-confidence and work on establishing a relationship with yourself first before you go seeking men and trying to mould yourself into what you believe THEY deserve. I know for certain that I am not suffering from any mental health issue and that is a very serious assumption to make. Never thought I would feel worse after writing here. I made some mistakes, that is true, but I just wanted some perspective and a bit of empathy, not a psychiatric prescription.
Zahara Posted July 26, 2016 Posted July 26, 2016 I know for certain that I am not suffering from any mental health issue and that is a very serious assumption to make. Never thought I would feel worse after writing here. I made some mistakes, that is true, but I just wanted some perspective and a bit of empathy, not a psychiatric prescription. I didn't mean to imply or assume that you are mentally ill but mentally strong/healthy as in mindfully capable of creating healthy boundaries for yourself. You have been on a path with a certain mindset -- destructive -- and that needs to change and it is likely due to lack of self-confidence, co-dependence, negative programming, your past, etc., hence a pattern of getting involved with the same type of men and accepting less than you deserve. I apologize for upsetting you. It was not meant to insult or degrade you. Please post and ask for guidance as there will be many here to help you. Again, I'm sorry. Good luck, stay strong and take care. 1
feelsobullied Posted July 26, 2016 Posted July 26, 2016 We often blame ourselves and beat ourselves up for mistakes rather then forgive and understand why we did it. Maybe you were needy because of your partners behavior and maybe, you are just better off in a relationship but due to the rejection are not able to see it .. Some of us can hit the gym, die their hair and refurbish their looks quicker then others. Work on attracting someone better
Recommended Posts