Kuchi2 Posted July 26, 2016 Posted July 26, 2016 Lately I've had many things in my mind. Issues with my family, my ex (child's dad), house repairs that's costing financially, college, and even a pregnancy scare. Boyfriend of 8 months knows about it all, down to the last one. I'm just mentally exhausted and I sometimes feel like screaming or staying in bed all day, without any interruptions- this I dont tell my bf. I extremely love my bf, and he is very supportive, helps me in many ways, and out of his very busy schedule, spends atleast 2 hrs with me every day. But I have been feeling I just want to be alone. Just not think. Not do anything. Just alone. And I dont mean breakup, I just want some space to think. I love him so much, and dont see myself ever breaking up with him, he is an amazing friend, aswell as partner. Is this normal? I dont know how to tell him to not visit me for a few days so I can just go into alone mode and have me time. I dont know if I'm just being too emotional by me thinking this way..
joyful Posted July 26, 2016 Posted July 26, 2016 i understand how you are feeling. can you get away for a few days so that it is clear that you are not taking a break from the relationship but actively seeking rejuvenation?
Author Kuchi2 Posted July 26, 2016 Author Posted July 26, 2016 i understand how you are feeling. can you get away for a few days so that it is clear that you are not taking a break from the relationship but actively seeking rejuvenation? No, I can't take time off from work, and I won't be totally alone as I still have obligations as a Mother, and keep my child 4 days a week. I don't want it to sound as if he's bugging me, because he's not.
joyful Posted July 26, 2016 Posted July 26, 2016 perhaps you can tell him what you post here. tell him you are unbelievably drained and need a few days to yourself. when people hear that their partner needs "space", they tend to think it is a prelude to a breakup. in this case, your need for absolute quite downtime makes so much sense. it is important for partners to be able to give each other what they need. and you need a moment to yourself...
biker23 Posted July 26, 2016 Posted July 26, 2016 I have definite opinions here. It is all about communication. I am still struggling through this with a woman and it can be very hurtful. In person, you need to discuss it. Give boundaries. Reassure him. Or he might freak out and do the opposite and try to check in on you, making sure everything is OK and that you arent upset or something isnt wrong etc..etc.. And I would suggest not make it indefinite. Say I want a week (for example) on my own without any contact. Then reach out when the week is up.
WhirlwindGuy Posted July 26, 2016 Posted July 26, 2016 To me, if you are in a relationship that you are truly happy in, you don't ever really "need space" Space naturally happens due to obligations like work, keeping up relationships with friends, extracurricular activities, etc. But there doesn't need to be planned "space" where you aren't allowed to be together for no other reason than to just give space. That, to me at least, spells much bigger issues. If I am stressed out about life and feeling really under the gun, the last thing I would want to do was to push away the person that I loved and that loved me and that brought me comfort and calm. I would want them around more to console and listen to me. This is just my perspective though. 2
Author Kuchi2 Posted July 26, 2016 Author Posted July 26, 2016 To me, if you are in a relationship that you are truly happy in, you don't ever really "need space" Space naturally happens due to obligations like work, keeping up relationships with friends, extracurricular activities, etc. But there doesn't need to be planned "space" where you aren't allowed to be together for no other reason than to just give space. That, to me at least, spells much bigger issues. If I am stressed out about life and feeling really under the gun, the last thing I would want to do was to push away the person that I loved and that loved me and that brought me comfort and calm. I would want them around more to console and listen to me. This is just my perspective though. I understand what you're saying and at some point, I am the same way. Like I said, he knows of all my issues that has me over the edge, and he does bring some peace and insight. We spend every day together, but we don't live together yet. I am not sure why, but I just need a day or 2 to recollect myself i guess.
smackie9 Posted July 26, 2016 Posted July 26, 2016 Good lord just tell him you need a little ME time!!! A little vay cay 4
adarna Posted July 26, 2016 Posted July 26, 2016 I understand what you're saying and at some point, I am the same way. Like I said, he knows of all my issues that has me over the edge, and he does bring some peace and insight. We spend every day together, but we don't live together yet. I am not sure why, but I just need a day or 2 to recollect myself i guess. I am a lot like you. Even if I'm really happy in the relationship, I too need some space when there are a million things going on and I'm stressed and mentally exhausted. I think you should just tell him that. You need a day or two to recollect yourself. "Me time" like Smackie said. That's the best approach IMO because everyone needs that from time to time. I wouldn't use words the words "space" or anything like "don't call me, I'll call you." Those are the scary words that make the situation sound worse than it really is. 2
JulioJulio2016 Posted July 26, 2016 Posted July 26, 2016 It sounds like you are going through a lot. And I think anyone would want some time alone given what you are dealing with. I think you can basically tell your boyfriend what you have written here. If he cares about you he will understand. If he loves you, he will definitely understand. If my girlfriend were feeling like you, I would want her to tell me she needs some space and time. If that would make her happy, it would honestly make me happy. It sounds like your boyfriend is a good guy so he will understand. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted July 26, 2016 Posted July 26, 2016 I am a lot like you. Even if I'm really happy in the relationship, I too need some space when there are a million things going on and I'm stressed and mentally exhausted. I think you should just tell him that. You need a day or two to recollect yourself. "Me time" like Smackie said. That's the best approach IMO because everyone needs that from time to time. I wouldn't use words the words "space" or anything like "don't call me, I'll call you." Those are the scary words that make the situation sound worse than it really is. All of this, especially the last paragraph. OP, I would more or less explain it to him the way you posted it here. Reassure him that you love him and appreciate everything he does, and that you're not ending the relationship. As suggested above, I would avoid the use of the word "space" or "break" as that can be misinterpreted. Let him know you still wish to continue the relationship and just need a few days on your own to unwind in your proverbial "lady cave" so that the personal tension you're experiencing doesn't spill over into your relationship with him. The most important thing here is clear communication. If you're still okay with a daily call or some messages here and there, let him know. Whatever your boundary is, explain it and see if he will meet you half-way. If you two generally get along well and are respectful of each other, this will probably not become a big issue.
Author Kuchi2 Posted July 28, 2016 Author Posted July 28, 2016 Just a small update. I did tell him I needed alone me time on Tuesday night and at first he didn't get why. He thought I was mad at him or something. And to make it all worse, I had forgotten that Wednesday was technically our 8th month anniversary, and he mentioned how I want my alone me time at the wrong time (and he got me a present ). So, the next 2 days, he was fine. He told me he understood and wants to give me all the time I needed to refresh myself since I told him I didn't want it to affect our relationship with all that's in my head. But I've come to realize, that even-though this me time was essential (mostly spent it doing things with my son alone), but that I didn't like it as much as I thought I would. I have missed seeing my boyfriend every day like we have been. I have missed his presence quite alot. We have non-stopped texted/talked since the me alone time, so it wasn't really all that me alone time lol. Now I know for next time, I'll ask for me time a different way. Maybe like a spa day or small get-away weekend without anyone but myself. I understand that we all need to recharge one way or another from our hectic lives, but not so much at the expense of our loved ones (atleast for me lol) 2
preraph Posted July 29, 2016 Posted July 29, 2016 See? You really did need the "me" time. It fixed you and put things in perspective. You should take a day every couple of weeks for yourself and tell him in advance. 2
preraph Posted July 29, 2016 Posted July 29, 2016 To me, if you are in a relationship that you are truly happy in, you don't ever really "need space" Space naturally happens due to obligations like work, keeping up relationships with friends, extracurricular activities, etc. But there doesn't need to be planned "space" where you aren't allowed to be together for no other reason than to just give space. That, to me at least, spells much bigger issues. If I am stressed out about life and feeling really under the gun, the last thing I would want to do was to push away the person that I loved and that loved me and that brought me comfort and calm. I would want them around more to console and listen to me. This is just my perspective though. I can't wait until you have kids and are actually asked to stay around and help out with chores and the kids. And THEN we'll see if you need space.
Els Posted July 29, 2016 Posted July 29, 2016 I don't see anything wrong at all with wanting a day or two to yourself occasionally. If you were wanting WEEKS without any contact with him then I'd question your R, but a day? Nah. Perfectly normal. I agree that it would be best framed under 'spa day' or some sort of activity where you pamper yourself. Glad everything worked out for you though! 1
Author Kuchi2 Posted July 29, 2016 Author Posted July 29, 2016 I told him last night that next time I feel this overwhelmed, that I won't need a few days of me time, that I'll just use a day or two for a spa or to pamper myself (retail shopping ). He said it was his fault for not spoiling me and that it's his job to make sure I get to pamper myself (I'm so lucky!). But I told him it's not his fault nor his job. So he asked me to just tell him when I start feeling this way before it gets bad and he will arrange a me day. 2
joseb Posted July 29, 2016 Posted July 29, 2016 See? You really did need the "me" time. It fixed you and put things in perspective. You should take a day every couple of weeks for yourself and tell him in advance. Yip - this is a good idea. Personally I'm at a point in my life that even if I was with the most perfect person imaginable, I'd still need a day or two a week alone.
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